Stranded on the road to nowhere/December 27th 2012.

Richie - Greetings from the land of smiles! Old Wob is now in semi-retirement on a Thai beach! At last myself and Mrs Bob No 3 have managed to escape the gloom and misery of Shameron n Cleggie's unelected austerity government. No more hectoring by Tory millionaires! No more crippling back-door taxation! No more "We're all in this together" bull****! I  only wish I'd made the move a few years earlier! Now my biggest daily concern is whether to expose the ample Roberts corsage fully to the sun or not! Lots of plans to start up a little business venture or two as you can imagine. Bob Roberts' Tuk-Tuks4U and a fish n chip shop to cater for the growing number of ex-pats out here just two ideas under consideration. Of course there are things I'll miss about Old Blighty- (er, can't think of any just now!) So, I'll say farewell Rich. Old Rob is signing off for the final time. Off now to my luxury seaside abode which I've christened Wob Bobert's Happy End! You couldn't make it up I say! (Hic!)

Without brave whistleblowers, Ali Dizaei would be running the Met police/December 18th 2012.

Richie - In a week in which the period of notice for redundancies has been halved from 95 days to 45 days by the unelected Coagulation of the Featherbrained, making it easier for employers to sack workers and therefore sucking even more confidence out of people's lives, Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally finished packing up our junk ready to be shipped overseas to the Land of Smiles. The Roberts comfy chair and snifter cabinet have been carefully crated and Mrs Bob's array of colourful costumes have been wrapped in moth-proof paper. Needless to say, a long procession of good friends have stopped by to say their farewells, all vowing to leave Rip-off Tory UK as soon as their own circumstances allow. How many other hard working, law abiding citizens are being forced overseas by Shameron and his growth-averse Toffs I wonder ? Immigration isn't the problem, Rich. The relentless Tory-led war on decent honest people is the problem. All in it together ? Don't make me laugh I say! (Hic!)

Windmills for Africa... a policy to DIE for/December 7th 2012

Richie - Well the unthinkable has finally happened. Old Wob has sold up the business, put the house on the market and is leaving the UK with Mrs Bob No 3 for a new life in the Land of Smiles. This once great country of ours is being led to ruin by Shameron and his unelected Coagulation government. Wednesday's disgraceful attempt by Osbourne to fiddle the figures was the final straw. When a finance minister is applauded by his friends in the press for a deceitful performance more suited to a banana republic then you know the game's up and the lunatics have finally taken over the asylum. Sad to say, Rich, but Britain is well on the way to becoming a medieval fiefdom, isolated from europe and without influence in the world. So, it's time to head East where the future lies. In the new year Old Wob's new business - Bob's Tuk-Tuk's 4U - will be up and running and I'll be sunning the Roberts comb-over on a golden Thai beach. No more hectoring Tory Right Wing windbags to listen to! It'll be paradise I say!

Put your trousers on, Worzel... you're nicked/November 16th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by a strange and unsettlingly loud whirring noise coming from the direction of the garden. Well, I put on my safety glasses and rolled up my copy of the DM for protection and proceeded in an orderly manner outside to see what all the fuss was about. Would you Adam n Eve it, Rich, I was confronted by the sight of a police helicopter landing adjacent to my vegetable patch! After the rotor blades had spun their course out jumped a couple of plods tooled up to the hilt and brandishing automatic weapons. I was about to complain in the boldest terms about this invasion of my privacy when one of the plods alerted me that a vile journalist was on the loose poking his red-top nose into hard working people's bins in persuit of saucy tittle-tattle to fill up the pages of his rag. Needless to say our heroic plod nabbed the critter within minutes and hauled him into the boot of their chopper. The sooner Leverson clamps down on these feral journos the better I say!

Run for your life — it’s the Nonce Finder General/November 9th 2012.

Richie - As a dedicated socialist, small businessman, Labour activist and all round Obama fan of these parts, Old Wob was invited dahn to the smoke in order to celebrate the great man's re-election with Democrats Abroad, a fine, upstanding organisation comprising many well-heeled Obama supporters based in the UK. And so, kitted out in a new whistle and flute, and with the Roberts comb-over neatly in place, I hot-footed it to a swanky West End hotel to dance into the early hours with our Democratic cousins from across the Pond. Unfortunately, I lubricated myself with too many pre-party snifters and, jumping in the taxi at King's Cross, told the driver to to take me pronto to the Yanks Abroad post-election do. When asked which colour I supported I naturally said red, forgetting that the political colours in the US election are reversed from our own. I walked in to the hotel singing Obama's praises and "4 more years" only to realise that I'd been dropped at the GOP post election wake and was surrounded by assorted misogynists, gun-toting fruitcakes, racists, homophobes and all manner of lunatics in between, whereupon Old Wob turned into Worcester's Usain Bolt and made a hasty getaway! Mad I say! (Hic!)

This thief claimed thousands of pounds in fake expenses, yet he's protected by Parliament/November 6th 2012.

Richie - Well, we've all gathered in the snug to cheer on President Obama in his quest to win another term of office. And I must say it's looking good, Richie. All those fruitcake proclamations and downright lies by the Right wing windbags, saying that Obama would ship jobs to China, that women who get raped should grin and bear it, that 47 per cent of the American people aren't worth bothering asbout...all of these things showed the American Right for what they are - undemocratic, anti-American and a security risk to a great nation that was once admired by all. Let's hope that we now see the true buccaneering spirit of America under the leadership of this truly great President! All true Americans should now unite behind Obama I say and put aside their petty differences for the greater good. And shouldn't Tory dipstick Iaiain Dunkin Donut now resign after his inappropriate backing of Romney ? Well done Barack and Michelle Obama and all liberal Democrats! Four more years I say! (Hic!)

Welcome to London's hottest new nightspot - the Life On Mars lounge at The Yard/November 2nd 2012.

Richie - I read with great interest this week, in the pages of the world's greatest newspaper the Daily Mail no less, that Lord Coe has credited Cherie Blair with winning the Olympics for London !?! Who would have believed it, Lord Wichie ? The wife of our former illustrious Labour PM gave old Chirac a right rollicking when he sounded off about British cuisine, causing him to flee from the lobbying hall and miss out on potentially crucial votes! Let's hope that Cherie is soon elevated to the upper echelons of public office! But what a contrast with the flow of filth that has been uncovered from the Thatcher years! Our electricity, water, & media is now in the hands of foreign owners; the trains are worse than they were in Victorian times; the Tory deregulation of the 80s has led to an economic tsunami; and now Mrs Thatcher's best pal is revealed as a predatory paedophile of the highest order! The Thatcher regime was a national disgrace I say! What other horrors are lurking in the Tory cupboards I wonder ? (Hic!)

A journalist jailed for exposing tax cheats - don't kid yourself it couldn't happen here/October 30th 2012.

Richie - Phone tapping, harassment, bribery, hiding in bushes, treachery, stalking, lies, an incipid culture of dumbing down...but enough about journalists Rich! Today Old Wob wants to bring good news about Iaiain Dunkin Donut's welfare reforms! It so happened that Belinda Slouch, a single mother of 7 whose offspring have an inglorious history of terrorising the local neighbourhood, was hauled before the local welfare Czars and told to get a job pronto. Having never worked Belinda was found a job (using vast amounts of govt subsidy) in a DIY store, even though the owner wasn't in need of more staff but needless to say the pound signs were sparkling and he took her on board. Well, what a disaster! Ms Slouch lasted barely three days. Guzzling Carlsberg extra by the can she gave freebies to all her mates, threatened irate customers with a chain saw and, when she was reprimanded by the owner, nutted the old geezer so hard he spent a week in hospital! Another triumph for our Tory-led Coagulation of the gormless I say! (Hic!)

Yes, the BBC has some serious questions to answer, but who gave Savile the key to care homes and hospitals?/October 26th 2012.

Richie - It is with great pleasure that I can announce you have been chosen to receive a special lifetime award in recognition of your services over many years to Investigative Right-wing windbaggism! Yes Lord Wichie, the regulars in our local snug have decided that it's about time you were honoured for your many years as Britain's undisputed Bestest Columnist and a social commentator of the highest order. The judging panel, headed by octogenarian farmer and spoon-player Arthur Groat, paid particular tribute to your courage in exposing sexual deviancy among a small number of the nation's wheelie-bins. These vile, debauched bins you discovered lurking in the nation's gardens and on patios ready to pounce on naive and impressionable yoof. A major scandal was averted thanks to your sterling in-depth journalism, Rich. Because of you our boys and girls can now sleep soundly in their beds! The trophy, a mounted bin, is behind the bar awaiting collection. Well done sir I say! (Hic!)

Don't be such a W4lly Mr Speaker!/October 23rd 2012.

Richie - Sunday morning Old Wob donned his silver mankini and took part in the Birmingham half marathon, raising money for charities hit by the savage Nasty Party cuts. But sad to say things didn't exactly go to plan. As I got to the first bend opposite Islamic Relief I went down like a sack of spuds with chest pains. Well, our heroic ambulance service was soon on the scene but came to a sudden halt with a puncture. Because of Shameron's NHS cuts the AA recovery hadn't been renewed! But no matter, the paramedics rolled the Roberts corsage onto a stretcher and carried me towards the QE2 hospital. Unfortunately these hard working public sector workers ran out of puff but lo and behold the pains subsided and I made a miraculous recovery! I jumped off the stretcher, saw that I was only 100 metres from the finish line and sprinted home to raptuous applause in a record time for a 56 year old, raising thousands for those being neglected by the vile Tory-led Coagulation! Mad I say! (Hic!)

Freeze! Or the guide dog gets it/October 19th 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam n Eve it! Unemployment down AGAIN in the middle of a recession! Well, Old Wob and the other regulars in the village snug have been busy all week trying to work out this particular conundrum! "Perhaps Iain Dunkin Donut is a genius" said Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player of these parts, as he supped his half a mild. "Maybe Labour has got it all wrong" said local burlesque queen Marcia Braithwaite, her heaving chest casting a shadow over her ploughman's lunch. "The harsh Tory medicine must be working" said Dr Singh as he cleared an area near the bar and unravelled his prayer mat. Then bingo - it clicked! "Perhaps the Nasty party is forcing people into part time, non-pensionable non-jobs and subsidising the private sector with billions of pounds of taxpayers money!" I said. Well, Rich, we all breathed a sigh of relief and moved on to more difficult puzzles, namely the Tories' omnishambles regarding energy bills! Mad in Sham Cam n Cleggy's bwoken Bwitain innit! (Hic!)

Careful with those arrows – you’ll have somebody's eye out!/October 16th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning wearing his best mankini and putting in a few last minute circuits of the duck pond before Sunday's Birmingham half marathon. Never one to shirk a challenge I've put myself forward to raise much needed funds for local charities who are suffering after cuts instigated by our vile unelected Coagulation of the gormless government. Needless to say, Old Wob hasn't done much exercise since primary school when I used to chase Marcia Braithwaite round the canteen but you'll be pleased to know that I've been putting in the hard work every day for a whole week so I'm confident of running this popular race in double-quick time. Only thing, Rich, is that I get the occasional problem with chafing around the tender areas. Local farmer Arthur Groat gave me some of his home-made ointment in the snug and I must say it was surprisingly soothing until I discovered the main ingredient was pig dung! That'll keep Mo Farah and the elite runners in their place when I break from the front, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Jimmy Savile ? It's time they called in the New Tricks squad/October 12th 2012.

Richie - There was an unseemly incident in the village snug last night. A couple of middle aged loudmouths stood at the bar making derogatory comments about immigrants, the poor, the disabled - you know the kind, Rich - when the talk veered off towards the latest accusations against the infamous Savile. Well, these two monsters from the 70s decided it would be fun to make light of this serious news story by acting out a rather obnoxious skit based around the classic and much-loved telly comedy "On the Buses". Taking on the characters of Blakey, Reg and the others they made light of these young girls' trauma in the most offhand and vile way. "I bet she enjoyed taking a ride on the Number 69!" "They were all slappers in those days!" "Jim fixed it for her, hur, hur hur!" Well, Rich, as you can imagine there was uproar among the locals and the two were dragged outside and thrown in the village duck pond! Then we told 'em to sling their hooks and not show their faces again! Some people, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Foreign criminals can sleep easily in soft-touch Britain/October 9th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob donned a wig, heels and one of Mrs Bob's floral dresses and joined a mini bus filled with local Toffs bound for the Nasty Party conference in Birmingham. Well the champers was flowing and all were in good humour as we sang Nasty Party classics such as "We Hate the Poor", "Strip Workers of all their Rights" and "All Lefties are Gay!" After arriving at our hotel Lady Mimsy Tonkington-Nutter invited a few Tory bigwigs to her suite for drinks. Well, Rich, when I let slip I was a wealthy widow looking to make a large donation the top brass were sniffing round me like flies! I was offered all kinds of incentives, including the chance of being made a Baroness, a tempting offer that would turn any girl's head! Eventually the chat turned to a Tory 2nd term and plans to privatise the NHS, the Beeb, and put non-taxpayers in the workhouse. But I scarpered pronto when a high ranking party member demonstrated Jimmy Savile's seduction technique and my falsies burst! Mad I say! (Hic!)

If Savile was alive today, he'd be a star witness at Leveson - given the full 'Sir James' treatment and allowed to trash the Press/October 5th 2012

Richie - Old Wob has been hob-nobbing it at the Labour conference with my good pal union rep Dave Salt. And what a splendid time I had Rich! Out and about at night taking in Manchester's many splendid watering holes, then back in the conference hall at 10am to catch up on much-needed shut eye! We also attended a number of fringe events where the more "outspoken" (ie. rational-thinking) Labourites let off steam. There were speakers demanding everything from the re-nationalisation of the railways to the jailing of the vile bankers who have wrecked our economy. One speaker even called for the public takeover of the Right Wing press and cited you, Rich, as a gobby rabble-rousing Thatcherite journalist of the worst kind! Well, I stood up and defended your honour sir! "Lord Richie is a national treasure" I thundered "whose tireless work investigating corruption and sexual wrong-doing among wheelie-bins is second to none! How dare you Lefties enhance his reputation by calling him a proper journalist!" That told em, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Late Night Live with Call Me Dave/September 28th 2012

Richie - Having just returned from a two week holiday in the USA with Mrs Bob No 3, I was honored to visit the Ed Sullivan Theatre for a tour. While I was there I managed to collar one of Letterman's attractive young production assistants for a chat. Well, you can imagine how excited I was when she let slip that our useless growth-averse PM was set to appear on the Late Show - so excited in fact that I primed her with a list of pertinent questions the great Letterman may have wished to ask. "Ask the Tory toff why he sees fit to condemn disenfranchised kids who steal bottles of water but not bankers who steal billions of public money!" I said. "Ask him why, if he's so in favour of democracy and freedom, he's the PM of an unelected government. Ask him why he wants to stamp out loutish behaviour but won't sack his foul-mouthed chief whip who swears and causes offense to our hard-working police!" Well, Rich, I continued in this vein for a further thirty minutes or so. Eventually the poor girl's eyes started glazing over so, gentleman that I am, I thanked her for her time and gave my name as Nick Clegg! Mad in the USA I say! (Hic!)

Read my lips...No more Toytown taxes, Clegg/September 25th 2012

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have just returned from an eat to west coast holiday in the good ol' USA. And what a divided, polarised, anxious country it has become, Rich. We met the usual suspects on our travels - religious fruitcakes, Tea-Party nutters, the rich, the poor, hard-working Democrats fearful of the future - and were left with the impression of a war-weary, ungovernable country unsure of its role in the world and frightened of the Chinese dragon. Although Obama's star has fallen the Republican Party's knack of electing a candidate from the outer reaches of Planet Zog means that the President is almost assured of a second term. Hooray for that I say! Our final destination was New York where I celebrated my 58th birthday and had a syrup fitted by the Big Apple's finest which made me look ten years younger! Unfortunately a gust of wind took hold of it as we enjoyed a boat ride around the statue of liberty, hurling my new thatch high into the air and depositing it in the famous lady's torch! Mad I say! (Hic!)

Can you imagine the Queen topless ?/September 18th 2012.

Richie - Shame on you Lord Littlewon for criticising our beloved blue-blooded Royals! If the beautiful Kate wants to give her pert queenly jellies a tan in the privacy of her back yard, then she should be able to do so without interference from the garlic-chewing Gallic press! It is unpatriotic of you, sir, to side with the dastardly Frenchies! Indeed, as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist you should be leading the way and calling for Levenson to clamp down hard on all aspects of our sordid press! Our Royals are an inspiration to us all I say! Poor Prince Harry is single-handedly fighting for freedom in Afghanistan, Prince Andrew is heroically ab-sailing down the Gherkin for those less fortunate than himself, and Her Madge soldiers on regardless opening this, that and the other at an advanced age! They are a credit to the British bulldog spirit and deserve our unflinching support! Pray for Kate's royal jellies I say! (Hic!)

Tough childhood ? Get out of jail free/September 14th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 ran in to the lounge waving today's copy of the impartial DM. "Lord Wichie want Thatch to go on trial for football disaster!" she squealed. Well, Rich, I calmly took hold of the newspaper and perused your Friday hissy fit. I then tried to explain to Mrs Bob that she had, as usual, mis-read your esteemed column and that you were not implicating old witch Thatcher in the Hillsborough cover up even though many people are now beginning to do so. "Lord Richie supports old style Sweeney hard nut policing" I explained "just as he supports the lunatic economic policies of Tory govts from the 80s. He'd much rather rant against a poor frustrated Afghan immigrant who lobbed a brick than criticise the woman who single handedly took a wrecking ball to this great country of ours." Mrs Bob looked at me in shock - aghast that anyone should want a return to 1980s Thatcherite madness. Tut-tut. Immigrants like Mrs Bob really don't understand bonkers Britain do they Rich ?

Sorry seems to be the easiest word, Dave/September 10th 2012.

Richie - We regulars in the Come-to-Piddle village snug are wondering if Tory Toff Shameron will apologise for the vile Thatcher & Major governments of the 80s. After Thatcher's wrecking ball decimated the nation's manufacturing base, tore apart communities, flogged off the family silver and waged war against hard working families - the consequences of which we poor Brits are all still suffering - the least this wet-behind-the-ears Bullingdon Boy could do is say sorry for the lunatic Tory administrations of the past. In fact, Old Wob now wonders if it's time for CMD to quietly retire and hand over to Ed, Ed & Vince before this unelected Coagulation does even more damage to the economy. The proof is in the puddy, as dear old Grannie Roberts used to say, and, after a stellar summer of public sector Olympic achievement, it looks as though the Tories' austerity goose has been well and truly cooked! Shameron - get thee to a retirement home for failed Tory politicians I say!

He Who Dares Burgles.../September 7th 2012.

Richie- Would you Adam and Eve it! A vile burglar was caught red-handed in our village only last week! The critter broke into the multi-pound mansion of a local hard working hedge fund manager, crept into the kitchen and stole a tin of sardines from the fridge. It just so happened that one of my crack team of immigrant security guards was patrolling the area and apprehended the naer-do-well. We were surprised, Rich, when the burglar turned out to be an 82 year old female pensioner and well known bag lady of these parts. Needless to say she gave some cock n bull story about government cuts and her inability to pay soaring heating bills but we didn't buy a word of it. Many villagers wanted to carry out summary punishment with the hedge fund manager suggesting we cut off her hands and tying them round her neck as a warning to other thieves. In the end we gave her ten minutes in the village ducking stool and told the sodden old hag to sling her hook. These vile specimens need to be taught a lesson as I'm sure you'll agree I say! (Hic! Fart!)

Fat Barry: Paralympic gold medal fraudster/September 4th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and the people of the British Isles salute you sir, for having the courage to speak out against the lavish funds given by this vile unelected Coagulation to fraudulent private sector spivs! Fearless Lord Richie, Bwitain's Bestest Columnist, has at last highlighted the fury - nay, the volcanic outrage - felt by hard working DM readers as they see their tax money squandered on worthless private enterprises while our heroic public sector endures round after round of viscious cuts. The Porkies uttered by Chancellor Gideon Nobrain, that the nation's "wealth creators" will lead us all to prosperity, has been shown up for what it is - the deranged ramblings of a mentally unbalanced Toffy-Nosed Toad! G4S, A4E, hedge fund operators, Fat Barry - billions handed over in brown envelopes to the feckless and undeserving while hard working families are driven ever further into misery and poverty! Well done Richie! You are a true hero of the working classes! Lord Littlewon stands in the vanguard against lunatic Thatcherism! Long may it continue I say! (Hic!)

Olympic Gold - Win one, Get one free.../August 21st 2012.

Richie - How good it is to see you back to normal after last week's disaster about Assange! You certainly did get into a tangle on that one, eh Rich ? I said to Mrs Bob: "I hope Lord Littlewon treats us to one of his regular 6th form hissy fits about wheelie bins or Baby Eater Bob Crow instead of trying to master complex intellectual conundrums such as the nature of free speech!" We regulars also discussed, at great length in the snug, which Olympians should be honoured by Her Madge. Top Olympic totty Jess Ennis is a cert, as is Lord Wiggins for his contribution to aesthetically hand-crafted sideburns alone. But the biggest gong should go to Mohammad Farah, our greatest living Englishman! Surely Mo will have a special title created - Extraordinary Muslim Hero of Great Britain and the Commonwealth would suffice! And what a fine multicultural example to our kids Mo will be, draped in ermine and gold atop the Team GB bus singing Allah's praises, the whole country united in its respect and goodwill....Richie ? Richie ? You there Rich ?

I've heard of a Mexican standoff,but.../August 17th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and several other members of the Cum-to-Piddle Liberation Front have hot-footed it down to Knightsbridge to defend the human rights of Saint Julius of Assange. This brave man is not a computer hacker, Richie, as you and your Rightist chums like to label him, but a publisher who has exposed conspiracy and lies at the heart of governments around the world. Needless to say, exposing the truth is usually the job of news journos but many news jounos got into bed with the media moguls years ago and are only fit to write about buxom babes and toe the mogul line. How strange that you defend the rights of Gary McKinnon but can't wait to have Assange herded off to the nearest show trial! Anyone would think that it's because Assange's political views don't chime with your own. And since when has nacissism been a crime ? If it was then the courts would be packed with troughing journos and politicos! Pray for St Julius of Assange I say!

Here comes Jay-Tee and Ashley Cole, Aaaaarrrrghhhhh!/August 14th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have been parked in front of the telly these past 2 weeks cheering on multi-effnik Team GB, our Olympic scepticism banished after Lord Danny Boyle's inspired Marxist opening ceremony! Indeed, the Olympics have turned out to be a major poke in the eye for the UK's Right Wing Windbags! Who would have thought that the most lauded man in Britain would be a Somali-born Muslim named Mohammad ? Or that the private sector would prove itself to be the troughing, inefficient waste of space we all knew it was ? Or that the stars of the closing ceremony would be a procession of gay and bisexual singers and a reformed druggie singing I Am The Walrus ? The London games have been a triumph of multiculturalism and international harmony I say! Rather than an advert for Rightist dog eat dog competitiveness they were a vindication of equality and humility and the IOC mantra that it's the taking part that counts! Now, let's build on the success of multi-effnik Team GB, get rid of the unelected Tory-led Coagulation and bring some real pride back to our great nation I say! (Hic!)

Does everyone in Englandland go to school at Eton?/August 10th 2012.

Richie - One of Cameron's loopy "Happiness" Officers recently called on Castle Roberts as part of our hapless PM's attempt to try and gauge the mood of the nation. "Are you happy, Mr Roberts ?" asked a wet-behind-the-ears kid with a clipboard named Rupert, straight out of Oxford and ready to be parachuted into a safe Tory seat. Well, like any red-blooded Brit I slammed the door in his acne-riddled face. But he wouldn't take the hint and kept his finger on the doorbell until we relented. "Am I correct in thinking you're not happy  because you're a pinko Marxist Pol-Pottist Lefty, Mr Roberts ?"  By now, Rich, steam was pouring out of my nostrils and my face had turned the colour of beetroot. "I'm not happy because this useless unelected Coagulation govt is wasting hard-earned taxpayers cash on stupid surveys instead of investing in our stagnant economy" I ranted. Rupert then suggested I try and cheer myself up by reading some top-notch Right-Wing satire. "Have you tried Dickie Littlejohn's column ?" he asked by which time I was on my way to my shotgun cabinet and Rupert was fleeing down the driveway pronto!

Let's go for gold...not the shopping with violence we saw a year ago/August 7th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to blame the Pol Pottist Guardian and the Marxist-Feminist BBC for last year's riots! Why, everyone knows that Gardener's Question Time is nothing more than a viper's nest of Communist thinking and that the Guardian's vile expose of our upstanding bankers and journalists is a sinister Left Wing plot to undermine all that is great about this country! How dare those rioting feral yooves whinge and moan about being sent down for 10 years for pinching designer socks and branded water when our heroic bankers are working round the clock trying to rectify Labour's despicable attempt to fix the Libor rate and bring down the capitalist edifice that has served mankind so well. Those poor bankers who have inadvertantly misplaced trillions of squid have probably dropped it behind their Gucci sofas and yet the Lefties are demanding these innocents are banged up for 6 months - it's an outrage I say! And don't get me started about the Olympics, Rich. The DM was right to classify all those Team GB athletes with strange surnames as "Plastic Brits"! And that Trotskyite Danny Boyle, how dare he spend taxpayer's money on levitating industrial chimney stacks when our poor journos are being hounded by Maoist Leftie lawyers...(Note from Mrs Bob: "Wob given wong medicine in chemist and he not fanny today")

It's the closing ceremony and here comes Team GBH!/August 3rd 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my dear Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3, gave a high pitched squeal and woke me from my slumbers. "Wob! Wob! Lord Wichie become fanny Marxist!" she shouted and waved today's copy of the DM in my face. "Weed it, Wob - weed it qwickwee! It so so fanny!" Well, Rich, I read your pseudo-Marxist-Closing Ceremony skit, sighing and stifling the occasional yawn as I did so, then folded up the DM and handed it back to Mrs Bob. "Lord Richie hasn't become a Marxist" I said. "Bwitain's bestest columnist is merely indulging in his usual anti-Labour, anti-Trades Unionist, anti-working class satirical nonsense because he and his acolytes are so upset at Danny Boyle's brilliant Left-Wing Opening Ceremony." Mrs Bob looked crestfallen. "You mean Lord Wichie, he still miserwable Right Wing windbag like usual ?" I nodded my head and confirmed that it was so. And with that Mrs Bob went forlornly into the kitchen to rustle up a water bug and silkworm pupae mid-morning snack! Sad I say!

Welcome to the Equality Hotline, for Scribble press 3/July 30th 2012.

Richie - Yesterday's DM said that members of the cabinet attended a rehearsal of Sir Danny Boyle's Olympic extravaganza. Can you imagine, Rich, what must have gone through plummy Gove's mind ? "Oh my goodness...the Lefties have taken over the opening ceremony...There are people of ethnic origin amongst the performers...They're celebrating Great Ormond Street and the NHS! They're saying that capitalism is ripping the heart out of our green and pleasant land! Where is the Rejoice Rejoice of Thatcherism and all things Right Wing ? Call Dave! Call Dave! Abort! Abort!" In fact, Rich, I have it on good authority that in a section called British Right Wing Windbags, Lord Danny wanted you, Mel Philips, Kelvin McKenzie and Simon Heffer to emerge from wheelie bins, have a good rant about the pinko socialist Olympics, before being carted off in an NHS ambulance in straightjackets bound for Broadmoor! Unfortunately there wasn't enough time and it was a choice between you and Dizzee Rascal! No contest I say!

Postcard to MPs: Wish You Weren't Here!/July 27th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 are recovering from Sir Danny Boyle's wonderous 2012 Olympic opening ceremony! What a visual and spiritual feast it was, Rich - a show that truly made you proud to be British I say! The manner in which it charted our nation's development from rural socialist idyll to industrial capitalist madhouse was breathtaking! Lord Boyle's inspired defence of our beloved socialist NHS should be a warning to all those Right Wing windbags who want to flog off our hospitals to the highest bidder. And having the Queen, the UK's most celebrated public sector worker, make her acting debut in a Bond skit was pure genius! So well done to all who contributed to this socialist, multi-cultural extravaganza I say! The only thing that was missing was a section about wheelie-bins, troughing bankers and corrupt journos. In fact, stringing up a few bankers and journos from the rafters would've been an inspired way to begin the games. Eh Rich ? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?

Mr Chips is making a Come-Back - Whack-O!/July 17th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to celebrate the great teachers who have inspired us! Old Wob fondly remembers his own primary teacher Miss Olonghu, an attractive black Marxist lesbian who fled apartheid in South Africa way back in the late 60s. This gorgeous woman instilled in us a love of music, literature and cultural diversity and her motto was equal opportunity for every child to fulfil his or her potential. Needless to say, Rich, these are values which have stayed with me throughout my life and are values which our troughing Eton-educated masters seem duty bound to ignore. That ideological Right Wing wind bag Gove seems intent on dragging our educational system back into the medieval period! Dear Miss Olonghu returned to her native South Africa after apartheid was dismantled and I believe is still teaching to this day. The week she left these shores Old Wob gathered together a group of former students and we performed a traditional African song in the style of Ladysmith Black Mambazo complete with colourful robes, head-dress, and falsies! Rich - she was, er, overwhelmed!

Security ? Call Eddie the Eagle/July 13th 2012.

Richie - As a well respected small businessman of this parish and head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I naturally submitted an application to organise the security at London 2012. In a detailed pitch I offered a comprehensive package which included octogenarian Arthur Groat and his brothers checkings bags, local burlesque artiste Marcia Braithwaite patrolling the perimeter fence and my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's troupe of Ladyboys frisking spectators as they entered the Olympic stadium. My costings were on the low side, Rich, with Arthur and Marcia happy to be paid in beer and sequin costumes respectively and the Ladyboys content to frisk inside legs for free! Of course, management costs (ie cash for Old Wob's back pocket) would have been somewhat higher at £100 million but still a quarter of the total paid to G4S. Richie, I didn't even receive so much as a reply from the troughing Tory toffs sitting on the 2012 committee. How I bet they regret not awarding Bob the conract now, eh ? (Hic!)

The cops watch the boys who watch the girls go by/July 10th 2012.

Richie - I was driving Mrs Bob home from the local Labour Party ale and skittles night in the XJ6 when a Plod car screetched round a corner with sirens wailing and pulled us over. Three Plods emerged barking orders at us to put our hands in the air like we just didn't care, whereupon a meat wagon filled with a SWAT team leapt into action and surrounded us with shooters and night vision goggles! Well, I was outraged! "How dare you encroach upon the hard-won freedoms of an honest Englishman and his Thai-born missus!" I spluttered as a Plod helicopter hovered in the clouds, training its arc lights on Old Wob's bald spot! Thankfully there was a very reasonable explanation. It transpired they thought I was a spiv banker making off with yet more billions of taxpayer pounds and that Mrs Bob was one of the Dirty Digger's vile journos out wire tapping the phones of murder victims and their families. Needless to say, Rich, no offence was taken and, after a good banter and laughs all round, I told our brave Plod to keep up the good work and went on my way! (Hic!)

Slippery Uncle Sam spawned the vultures of Blame Direct/July 6th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob number 3 have just returned from a seven day trade jolly to the people's Republic of North Korea! Following our own beloved PM's diktat to seek out new markets a group of local business types decided to explore opportunities in the famously secretive state. I must say, Rich, it's an apalling place. Run by an arrogant, wealthy elite, ordinary folk subsist on welfare handouts amid stringent cuts to front line services. They're kept in place by an oppressive police and snooper apparatus that thinks nothing of shooting innocent bystanders on the underground or baton charging newspaper sellers to death on the streets of the capital. The media, of course, toes the party line and the star columnist, Wing-Sop Kimojohn, writes article after article about vile prozzies and baby-eating union leaders. Unfortunately the North Koreans weren't keen on doing much business, although Marcia Braithwaite's poodle parlour attracted their interest - but it all ended in tears when they asked for a sample to eat with their mid-day broth and noodles! Mad I say!

Bernie, Boris, Button and a big burn-up round Big Ben/June 28th 2012.

Richie - My precocious 12 year old grandson Bob Roberts jnr has been visiting and this morning his head was firmly stuck in a history book as he swotted up on our corrupt financial system for a school essay. "I mean, it's clear where the blame lies" young Bob said. "It's all the fault of the odious Thatcher and her loony 1980s Right Wing governments who de-regulated the banks." Well, needless to say Rich, I tried to explain that it was more complex than that and was the also the fault of Gordon McBroon and Baby Eater Bob Crow. But he wasn't buying it and also blamed the Tories for making a pact with the Murdoch devil. "I know! Why don't we see what Bwitain's Bestest Columnist has to say about the banking scandal ?" I said. Well, imagine our disappointment, Lord Richie, when we opened the DM to discover you'd written a primary school skit about F1 coming to London. "You see grandad ? The lot of 'em haven't got a clue!" said Bob jnr and skipped off to attend his Mandarin lesson. The feral yoof of today, eh Rich ?

A Taliban fighter claiming asylum in Britain? This is a Wolverhampton wanderer we'd be better off without/June 26th 2012.

Richie - I was oop north last week visiting my good friend Trades Unionist Dave Salt. Poor old Dave - like Wob no spring chicken - has been run off his feet these past few months as ordinary hard working folk flock to join his union in response to the lunatic Tory-led Coagulation govt's programme of mass poverty and unemployment. While we were sipping our ale in the snug of the Flat Cap & Ferret a Bolshie northerner, overhearing our chat, compared this great nation of ours to North Korea. Well, I was outraged Lord Richie, and told the critter he was talking out of his hooter! But driving home I began to consider the idea. And by gum, Rich, there's something in it! I mean, we're ruled and spied upon by a paranoid elite; a large proportion of the population survives on welfare handouts; we're fed lies and propaganda by a corrupt news media; and our slavish devotion to our head of state borders on hysteria! Break from the EU and the comparison will be complete! Beam me up comrade I say!

It always ends in penalties, it always ends in tears. RICHARD LITTLEJOHN says he can take the despair. It's the hope he can't stand.../June 25th 2012.

Richie - 19.00 hours in our local: Old Wob dressed in full England kit and sporting his best Bobby Charlton comb-over walks into the snug to be greeted by a huge cheer as the packed bar waits for kick off in heady anticipation. Arthur Groat is playing "Three Lions" on the spoons, resident GP Dr Singh - much derided this past week for his £1m pension pot - is buying everyone a drink, and local burlesque queen Marcia Braithwaite, wearing skimpy Union Jack bra and bloomers, is giving us all a good-humoured peek of her ample assets! Mrs Bob No 3 has laid on a spicy Thai finger buffet and a brand new 70 inch Sony 3D laser-guided telly has been installed for the occasion. Footy's Comin' home! What can possibly go wrong ? Cut to: 22.00 hours. The red, white and blue balloons have shrivelled. Arthur is sitting alone in a corner drinking himself into a stupor. Old Wob's comb-over is limp and lifeless. Dr Singh is in tears. Marcia has been taken to A & E after fainting when Italy scored their winner. We all trudge home in the drizzling rain. A great English summer tradition is over for another 2 years!

The troops being betrayed by the real enemy within/June 19th 2012.

Richie - Here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle we're preparing for the doctors strike by stocking up on essentials and opening a holistic drop-in centre for sickly residents. Needless to say my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 is at the forefront of this service and she's been busy brewing up a cauldron of her famous locust, bamboo worm pupae, and papaya ointment which is a fine antidote to most ailments. In fact Dr Singh, our local GP, has already benefitted from this mysterious south east asian goo. Shunned by locals outraged at his million pound a year pension pot, he arrived at his surgery to find graffiti scrawled on the door claiming "Pedos not wanted here" (a sad indictment of our semi literate society, Rich - Dr Singh originally trained as a paediatrician). Looking drawn and miserable Dr Singh was given a jar of Mrs Bob's cream and told to rub some on to his crown to help ward off depression. Instead he smeared it over his front door, removed the graffiti and saved himself a pretty penny in paint stripper! Well done Mrs Bob I say!

Trust me, you can't trust this lot with any more powers/June 15th 2012.

Richie - Last night we here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle were alerted that a snooper was on the prowl! The vile creature had been seen ferreting away in private dustbins and peeking through honest folks' windows in a gross intrusion of their privacy! Needless to say, Rich, Old Wob donned his safety goggles and rolled up his copy of the DM for protection and joined the local Neighbourhood Watch squad to hunt the critter down! We nabbed him sniffing around a discarded pair of Marcia Braithwaite's smalls. "Are you a public-sector jobsworth sent by the unelected Coagulation government to interfere in the lives of hard working taxpayers ?" we asked. The poor chap quivered and said no, he was merely a journalist for a major news organisation seeking material for tomorrow's front page. Well, Rich, how we laughed! What a misunderstanding! we said and took him to the snug for a merry evening of red-blooded banter about the bloated public sector and La Lopez's lush derriere!

Bulldozer ballet, a sex-mad smurf- it's Uncle Rich's Olympic jamboree/June 14th 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam & Eve it! I'd just finished my nutribran, green tea and russet breakfast concoction and settled in my comfy chair for a well deserved after-brekkie snooze when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 hurried into the living room holding today's copy of the DM. "Lord Wichie exercise his big column on Thursday!" she said. I couldn't believe my ears! "Bwitain's Bestest Columnist writing a column on Thursday ? Don't be silly, Mrs Bob! Lord Richie writes his column on Tuesday and Friday. The other days are reserved for lessen known windbags such as Mellie, McKenzie, Heffer and Glover." But Mrs Bob wasn't having it. "Look!" she said, thrusting the newspaper under my nose. "He write fanny thing about Olympics!" Well, imagine my surprise when I saw your unmistakable prose lighting up the page like a sodden banger on Bonfire Night. "Now you must write fanny post too, else Lefty trolls world over will be sad." I considered it, Rich, I really did, but instead tugged on my recliner and fell soundly asleep.

It's raining, it's pouring, that'll be the global warming.../June 12th 2012.

Richie - Unelected Shameron's army of Nannies have been pestering good honest folk around these parts. First, Middle Class Moira the community fat-watch officer burst into the snug just before the England match with her fresh-faced 5-a-day co-ordinators to admonish us regulars over the size of our corsages and promote healthy eating and exercise. Needless to say Moira was well and truly ridiculed. She eventually called it a day when Arthur Groat let rip as he followed her stretching routine and she scarpered for fresh air pronto! But that wasn't the end of it! Yesterday local schoolchildren, including my grandson Bob Roberts jnr, were forced to listen to one of plummy-mouthed Gove's education ministers map out the latest useless scheme to educate our kids, including learning poetry by rote! Well, young Bob promptly got up and recited the Red Flag, the Internationale and John Cooper Clarke's wonderful "Chickentown". Note to Gove: Stick that in your Tory pipe and smoke it I say (Hic!)

Kiss me goodnight, prison warder.../June 8th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit about diversity targets and effnik wimmin being given jobs! It's an outrage I say! Next thing you know there'll be effnik footy players and effnik doctors and effnik businessmen and wimmin and effnik this and effnik that...Whatever happened to that glorious effnik-free Bwitain we all used to love and cherish, eh Rich ? A place of milk and honey and coppers who'd give you a firm but gentle remonstration round the ear ole if they caught you dogging in a layby ? A glorious empire where effniks knew their place and bowed and curtsied like there was no tomorrow and where murderers were hanged by their scrawny necks, not locked up in a cushy prision to oggle at lush looking effnik wardens! And don't get me started about our dear royal family who were forced - nay, compelled - by the wishy-washy Labour loving liberal elite to clap and sing heartily to effnik singers at the jubilee concert! It's an outrage I say Lord Richie! An outrage! (Hic!)

Welcome to the Buck House of Fun/June 4th 2012.

Richie - Our village enjoyed a right old royal knees-up to celebrate Her Madge's diamond jubilee, the festivities culminating in a wet union jack t-shirt competition won by the heartily endowed Marcia Braithwaite who emerged Venus-like from the duck pond! But I must say the highlight was watching a re-run of the Marxist, Communist, Pol-Pottist, BBC's excellent jubilee coverage! What genius to have Anneka Rice and Fern Cotton involved in the proceedings! And good old Claire Balding played a blinder navigating all those butch olympic rowers during the boat jamboree! (Ooh er, missus I say!) But let us all thank the good lord Auntie Beeb didn't invite any Daily Mail Right-Wing Windbags to cast a shadow over the wonderful occasion! Can you imagine arch-miserabilists like Mad Mel, Fruity McKenzie, Cruella-de-Jan Moir or yourself, Lord Richie, sitting on the jubilee sofa moaning about all and sundry ? "It's all Gordon Brown's fault blah blah blah..." "Bob Crow is responsible for the rain blah blah blah..." "Labour MP's eat babies blah blah blah..." Three cheers for Her Royal Madgeness I say! Hic Hic! Hooway!

The barmy elf 'n' safety fears which stopped disadvantaged inner city kids from paddling in the sea/June 1st 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 have been busy organising the village jubilee party! And what a splendid knees up it promises to be! As well as a long table groaning beneath the weight of jubilee nosh stretching from the duck pond to the snug, we've secured a programme of entertainment representative of Bwitain's diverse heritage! Dr Singh will be performing with his bangra all-stars after which Marcia Braithwaite's burlesque belles have promised to tittilate us all with a saucy jubilee routine! Arthur groat will be performing his legendary spoon routine and Mrs Bob's troupe of Lady Boys have been flown in especially for the weekend. Even the local NF/EDL coven are doing their bit with a funny walk march and rendition of Deutchland Uber Alles! The highlight of the day will be the Jeremy Hunt Brown Nose competition in which competitors have to brown-nose a Right Wing Windbag! What a pity you can't join us Lord Richie - you'd be a dead cert to take first prize I say!

Step away from the paddling pool... you're nicked!/May 29th 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob was in the garden enjoying the weekend weather when I got into a heated debate with the moaning Tory minnies next door as I filled up the paddling pool for my precocious 11 year old grandson Bob jnr. Needless to say I thought they'd taken umbridge over my pert lime speedos but instead they berated me for wasting water during a hose pipe ban. Little did they know that I'd filled the pool with bottled Evian water but no matter, I gave the interfering busy-bodies a piece of mind. Later, when the dust had settled, Bob jnr, whose ambition is to become Labour PM, began to question the monopoly of the water companies in much the same way that you have done in today's column. Young Bob's analysis went far deeper than your lazy effort though as he blamed the vile Thatcher governments of the 80s and their policy of flogging off Britain's assets to greedy foreign types for a song. Well done Young Bob Roberts for pointing out that important fact I say!

The Eurovision crisis? It's all Greek to me, innit!/May 21st 2012.

Richie - We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle raised a snifter in honour of your stunning victory in the Herbert Mulch Right-Wing Windbag of the Year Award! Thoroughly deserved, I say! Your contribution to Right Wing Windbaggerism is indeed second to non, sir! One wonders how you find the time to dash off two thoroughly researched articles per week in between watching endless box sets of classic British comedy from the 70s & 80s - articles which educate and inform the great British public about fascinating subjects such as wheelie bins, high-viz jackets, and how Labour and the Unions are to blame for all the world's ills! You have, Lord Richie, transformed into an art form the ability to avoid any mention of how the Dirty Aussie Digger turned this great nation into a servile Stasi-like state and your famous "soft-touch" journalism, which dare not take to task the bonkers Thatcherites who have over the years destroyed our industrial heritage, is nothing short of a master class for future Right Wing Windbags to behold! So, three cheers for Bwitain's Bestest Columnist I say! Hic Hic! (Fart!)

How to avoid airport security: Wear a burka/May 11th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob booked a romantic mystery weekend as a surprise for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's birthday. Mrs Bob was so excited at her wonderful pressie that she decided to dress up in traditional Thai costume for the occasion. Well, there were gasps and applause from well wishers in our village as we emerged from Roberts Towers to our waiting limo (complete with flat screen tv and champers on tap!) Old Wob's comb-over and corsage well laquered and Mrs Bob's silken dress and immaculate hairdo worthy of the red carpet. But the day didn't go according to plan, Rich. The surprise destination was Luton which just happened to be hosting an EDL demo! Spying Mrs Bob in the back our limo was subjected to vile abuse from the raging fascist hoardes who accused her of being an Islamist and, worse, the daughter of Bin Laden. Of course, our weekend was ruined but no matter - as long as barmy right-wing-windbag stereotypes prevail all here in the UK will be fine, I say, innit! (Hic!) (Fart!)

Mr Justice Cocklecarrot and the Elf 'n' Safety Smurfs who had to escort 12 jurors across the road/May 8th 2012.

Richie - I must say, Lord Richie, you've incurred the wrath of Old Wob's loyal band of security operatives, car parking attendants and assorted high-vizzers. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I was organising the daily rota when I heard grumblings from my workforce about your esteemed column. "That Littlejohn is talking out of his hooter!" was the general tone of their complaints. As many of my employees are ex-forces they see your continual attacks upon low-paid hard-working men and women who are trying to keep our society secure and free of anti-social behaviour as a right kick in the goolies. "Littlejohn should come and do a 12 hour shift with us one night and see how he likes it!" they raged. Of course, Rich, I tried to explain that as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist it was your right to have a go at all and sundry but they wouldn't have it! Last I heard they were laying into the Dirty Aussie Digger for turning our country into a Stasi-like nightmare worthy of Kafka! Mad I say!

So that's why they're called Funny People/May 4th 2012.

Richie - Ooooh matron! How right you are to ignore the unelected Tory-led Coagulation's decimation in the local elections and concentrate on the alleged sexual peccadilloes of a deceased M16 officer! I must say, Lord Richie, we here in the village snug also carried out our own research into how a fully grown man could manage to climb into a holdall and lock himself in. Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-playing virtuoso of these parts, managed to fit his nimble frame inside the bag without difficulty and zipped it to within an inch of closure. Local burlesque queen Marcia Braithwaite, however, failed miserably to secure her well-rounded rear and jugs into our holdall and had to be rescued pronto by Old Wob's more than willing hands! It was Dr Singh, dressed in his jubilee underpants and snorkel suit, who took the plaudits though. In fact, he was so firmly ensconced that we had to take him to the local Fire Station to be cut free! Mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's paranoid & Bwoken Bwitain I say!

Freeze! It’s Dixon of Glock Green/May 1st 2012

Richie - How right you are to have an almighty hissy fit about our once beloved Plod! How dare the boys (and gals! PC! PC!) discard their mammary-shaped helmets for Ruskie balaclavas and their serrated rubber truncheons for glockenspiel pistols! But Plod isn't the only profession that's changed for the worst, Richie. Why, only yesterday I fell upon a money-grubbing rodent (formerly known as a journalist) rifling through my saucy neighbour Marcia Braithwaite's bins in the hope of discovering soiled undergarments or other items of titillation to splash across the front page. Having cornered the vile critter he confessed that his ambition was to usurp your good self as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist and dish the dirt on the great and the good and whoever else the Aussie Dirty Digger deems surplus to requirements! "I mean, it's every journos dream to have a gig like Littlejohn, mouthing off twice a week about Labour and the unions" he said. "That way you don't have to go out in the cold and do real research like wot I'm doin now!" Mad in ShamCam and Glegg's Bwoken Bwitain I say!

'Wanna buy a cheap sheep for supper?' How meat theft and rustling are making a comeback in these austere times/April 23rd 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! I looked through my french windows this morning and saw a Lesser Spotted Right Wing Windbag staring at me! Well, as a wet behind the ears liberal, Old Wob didn't consider blasting it with a shotgun. Instead I opened the frenchies and invited the creature in. As you know the Lesser Spotted Right Wing Windbag carries about its personage a foul odour and miserable angry demenour, fuming and dribbling at all and sundry. But its a scientific fact the species is really pining for love and affection and before long it was rolling on its back having its tummy and nether regions well and truly tickled! But in payment for my good nature the 2-faced creature deposited a mound of steaming effluence on my Wilton carpet and was subsequently booted out pronto! Last I saw it had crawled into next door's wheelie bin, it's natural habitat or so I'm told, and came to a messy end when a cleansing operative failed to check inside and chucked it in the masher! Mad I say!

Theresa May has been done up like a kipper over Abu Qatada/April 20th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob breathed a sigh of relief this morning as Ma Roberts finally climbed into her Range Rover and returned to the Tory shires after her extended Easter visit. But alas poor Ma left these parts not in the best of humour, having witnessed Teresa "Kitten Heels" May's balls-up of the Qatada deportation ontop of "Vlad the Impaler" Osbourne's botched budget and Wisteria's hilarious stand-up routine as he tried to convince the British public he partakes of a Cornish pastie now and again! "After 50 years a Tory Party member I'm going to rip up my membership card" she snivelled. "This is a government of first class incompetents and nincompoops, Wob!" Ma will now join the small number of loons and fruitcakes howling at the moon in support of anti-europe UKIP even though they had trouble spelling out to her their other policies when she rang to enquire about membership. "But we do enjoy a jolly get together once a week with champers and canapes" they said and that seemed enough to seal the deal! Mad in Sham & Cleggy's Bwoken Bwitain I say!

Taxing fast food won’t persuade people to eat lentils and mung beans/April 17th 2012.

Richie - Ma Roberts has been gracing us with her presence over Easter and invited round one of her Tory big-wig chums from these parts to partake in afternoon refreshment. Old Wob was duly banished from his own castle to the snug while Ma plied the goofy toff with my best snifters and fancies. Not content, the greedy porker sweet-talked his host into raiding the Roberts larder, wolfing down all and sundry, including my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's jar of honeyed cockroaches, a Thai delicacy but not for the faint hearted! Well, soon the Thatcherite nob was writhing on the floor complaining of a cardiac arrest and Old Wob was called to ferry him to A & E pronto where he moaned about the service and the number of ethnics who'd just happened to save his life. The staff had their fill when he ordered the nurses to deliver him his copy of the DM along with a full English and he was summarily kicked out this morning. Get these greedy Coalition hogs packed off to boot camp I say! (Hic! Fart!)

Coming up after the latest Salford news Corporation Street/April 13th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit about the Marxist Pol Pottist Trotskyite Arfur Scargill-worshipping Auntie Beeb's move to miserable drizzly Salford! Old Wob worked oop north when he was a nipper and what a grim place he remembers it to be! Full of strange northern folk who didn't at all speak Her Madge's lingo like wot we do Rich - all Commies and Trades Unionists who thought hard working ordinary folk should earn a decent wage and pension for their labour and enjoy a fully funded health care system that treats all and not just the wealthy few! Pah! Dangerous ideas as I'm sure you'll agree Rich! Why the delectable Susanna Reid wants to grace the cobbles with her abundant presence is beyond me! She ought to be shimmying dahn the old King's Road in her Laboutins, dopey good-looking bird like 'er, eh Rich ? In depth reports about phone-hacking, Syria, poverty and cuts - da Beeb ought to do some proper journalism and write about wheelie bins like Bwitain's Bestest Columnist!

On your Marx, it's the People's Protest Games/April 9th 2012.

Richie - Dear old mumsy (a blue rinse Tory Little Englander of the highest order) has graced us with her presence over Easter and this morning at brekkie she commandeered my copy of the DM eager to aquaint herself with Lord Richie's esteemed column. "Haw Haw Haw" she guffawed regarding your quip about the protester who scaled the shard. "Quite right too! Would've served the silly winker right if he'd fallen orf!" There followed an even louder "Ra! Ra! Ra!" as she poured over your pronouncements regarding boat race pooper Tenton Oldfield. "Put him against a wall I say and give it with both barrels!" she railed before ordering my dear Thai wife - or "the maid" as mumsy not very affectionally calls her - to pour more tea. It was only when she started reading your piece about polar bears that she looked somewhat dejected. "Pah! Can't silly Richie check his facts ? Everybody knows that polar bears don't eat penguins. They eat squirrels and live in Siberia! Hurry up with the bally toast, ffs maid! Really, you really can't get the staff these days can you!" Mad I say!

If you simply want to make someone's life a misery, press 3/April 6th 2012.

Richie - Just as I was settling down for a quiet Easter weekend in my comfy chair with a large snifter or three I heard the unmistakable crunch of familiar tyres on my driveway gravel. I peered through the curtains and sure enough saw the redoubtable figure of Ma Roberts clambering out of her Range Rover. "Hurry along Wob" she bawled "and tell the maid to attend to my luggage!" She was, of course, referring to my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was by now in tears at the thought of playing host to mumsy for the duration of the holiday. Once inside Ma let rip with her usual tales of woe from the English shires and the machinations of her local Tory coven of which she's been a member for the past 40 years. "I'm seriously thinking of joining UKIP" she raged. "That wooly Shameron isn't one of us. If he was a true blue he'd have re-introduced hanging and the poorhouse and the birch for all the drunken chavs and darkies blighting our lovely towns" whereupon she got plastered on gin, started a fight in the snug and fell into the duck pond, legs akimbo, with her knick-knacks on display for all to see! Mad I say!

Bikinis, beach burkas and bird flu - welcome to London 2012/April 2nd 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob's been laid up with a severe dose of botulism after scoffing a lukewarm pastie last week! I was asked at the till whether I wanted to pay full VAT on the piping hot delicacy or wait until it had cooled and save a few pennies. Needless to say, in these austere times I opted for the latter and stood brushing my comb-over until the snack had fallen below ambient temperature. Little did I realise that a vicious strain of bacterium would in the meantime spread and coagulate with the end result that after two bites I was rushed to A & E at death's door! Matters were further complicated when the ambulance driver fell woozy at the wheel due to the overpowering fumes from jerrycans of fuel stored in the rear following govt pronouncements! Mrs Bob tried to visit me in hospital but couldn't afford the car park fees and I was eventually released with orders from my doc to stay indoors until the unelected Tory-led coagulation had been driven from office! Mad I say!

HOW MUCH to watch Eric Pickles eat his weight in sausages?/March 26th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to launch a withering attack on unelected Shameron's tete-our-tetes in No 10 with assorted spivs, whingers and naer'do wells from the Citeh! Surely, Lord Rich, it can't be long now before the vile Coagulation government crumbles beneath the weight of its own sleaze and ineptitude! Like Old Wob, I bet you're sick of the daily parroting of the Tory party line by the likes of Maudlin Maude, Iain Dunkin Donut and Count Gideon the Impaler - propaganda cooked up by the billionaires attending Wisteria's 250k soirees. Privatising the NHS, dismantling the welfare state, a property building free-for-all, driving down wages to slave labour levels - and if anyone complains blame it all on Labour! Thank the lord you've now seen the light and are standing shoulder to shoulder with the honest working men and women who are the backbone of this great country! A triumph Lord Richie! You have cemented your place as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist! (Have you considered standing as a Labour MP in 2015 ?)(Hic!)

PortaShrine - ideal for all your instant grief needs!/March 23rd 2012.

Richie - How we guffawed and tittered at the thought of all the yoghurt-knitting Lefties complaining about Tuesday's article in which you rightly moan about the goodwill shown by ordinary folk to Patrice Muamba. And it makes an Englishman proud, Lord Richie, to see you today mounting a sterling defence of your esteemed column! Why, it put me in mind of Shakespeare 'imself when, in one of the plays what he wrote, he scribbled the immortal line "The lady doth protest too much". But I must say the coup de grace is your inspired idea for a Portashrine! Genius sir! Genius I say! And why not a Porta-Right-Wing-Windbag to accompany the Portashrine to those not-so-sacred sites for murdered prozzies! The mechanical Windbag (batteries included) would be guaranteed to cause a grade 1 stink with its wilted prose, tatty research and badly written claptrap! "Up yours" it would wheeze. "The tarts were never gonna find a cure for cancer!" Why, you and Kelvin McKenzie could flog millions I say (Hic!)

Pray 4 Muamba, but less of the fake tears/March 19th 2012

Richie - Only last night, while watching Paxo's uni quiz show, Mrs Bob No 3 and I heard the most frightful wailing from down the road. Well,I rolled up my copy of the DM, put on my protective goggles and went out to investigate. Would you Adam and Eve it, poor Marcia Braithwaite, local burlesque queen of these parts, was shreiking for all she was worth with her poor 92 year old mum lying prostate on the floor after a coronary attack! Needless to say, Old Wob swung into action. After calming Marcia and telling her to ring for an ambulance I proceeded, after taking out mum Braithwaite's false nashers, to give resusitation and defibrilisation as well as providing comfort and succour to the old bird by singing a medley of Motown favourites before the paramedics arrived. Glad to say Marcia's mum is doing fine but thought, Lord Richie, you'd give her a shout-out in your esteemed column, in the same manner that you asked for tea and sympathy when your dear old mumsy was ill. Pray4Braithwaite I say!

Coalition Airways - this one was never going to fly/March 15th 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and myself experienced pre-flight turbulence at Heathrow airport en route to gay Paree for a recent weekend of sightseeing and ohh la la. Old Wob was summarily pulled over by over zealous security and forced to undergo a humiliating search after the scanner went beserk and regurgitated my baggage. All of my hand luggage was explored in full view of other passengers and I must say the security wallahs took great pleasure in holiding up my spandex as well as the gels, sprays and boxes of setting perm that holds my comb-over in place! As you can imagine, Rich, Old Wob was fuming especially when no reason could be found for the disruption. "I'll be writing to Lord Littlejohn. Britain's bestest columnist, about this gross intrusion of my yuman rights" I boomed to which the security staff tittered and said: "No one listens to that right-wing windbag anyway" before emptying out my luggage once again! It's mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's loony Britain I say!

Have you gone stark staring skyclad, Fletch?/March 13th 2012.

Richie - Thank God & St George that you're back! We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle have been holding candlelit vigils near the duck pond praying for your safe return! Needless to say your long absence from the unbiased pages of the DM gave rise to many an intrepid rumour. Old Arthur Groat of this parish was convinced you were on a secret mission to Syria, dodging snipers and death squads to uncover the truth of the bloody uprising. Marcia Braithwaite said Lord Richie was more likely to be embedded in Afghanistan, asking how in the name of sweet Jesus sixteen Afghani women and children could sleep-walk in front of that poor, stressed-out US Seal's assault rifle. Old Wob, though, thought Britain's bestest columnist was taking our unelected govt to task for making a right old Eton mess of our beloved National Health Service. However, it was a dopey bird standing in the village snug who guessed correctly that you were busy recycling 70s fodder which only goes to prove that even genius such as yourself has the occasional off day...or 2...or 7...or...10...or...Zzzzzzzz...(Hic!)

The rich aren't all merchant bankers/February 24th 2012.

Richie - Yawn! Hic! Burp! Fart! How right you are to pen yet another article defending the indefensible bankers and gin-sozzled spivs who have brought this great country to its knees! I was a tiny bit worried you were going to write a special tribute to Marie Colvin, the courageous and passionate war correspondent who was murdered in Syria this week. Ms Colvin upheld the highest journalistic ideals and in 1999 in East Timor she was credited with saving the lives of 1,500 women and children from a compound besieged by Indonesian-backed forces. Of course she never managed to scale the journalistic heights that you have, Lord Richie, with your crusading in-depth analysis of wheelie bins and the cut of elf n safety high viz jackets. And who can forget your withering, well-balanced articles about the Ipswich prozzies and vile nasty Japs! Well done Rich I say! Let the other do-gooder journos write solemn praise in Ms Colvin's memory. Here in Richie-Land it's business as usual. Support the rich and to hell with everyone else! Hic! Burp! Zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Fight for the right to lie in bed all day/February 21st 2012.

Richie - How right you are to throw your considerable weight behind the unelected Coagulation's slave-labour scheme! Why should our beloved Tesco pay an honest wage for an honest day's graft when the loony Tories will subsidise their profit margins with taxpayers' cash ? This great country of ours didn't get where it is today through justice, fairness and equality for working people! What with record VAT, fuel, & food prices alongside mass unemployment, wage reductions and the slashing of pensions Osbourne's vision of a Victorian economy will be upon us quicker than you can say Welcome to the Poorhouse! It'll be a Little Englander's paradise! Why Marcia Braithwaite's feckless son was recently press ganged into Iain Dunkin Donut's latest hair-brained forced labour scheme and sent to work for a major international news company. He learned many valuable new skills, including how to down seven pints of ale during lunch, how to bribe police officers, and how to hack into the mobile phones of murder victims. He's also become an expert on the colour of Imogen Thomas' knickers! - just the kind of skills our sluggish economy needs to compete with those Asian Tigers I say! (Hic!)

Mr Pastry and the myth of public spending cuts/February 17th 2012.

Richie - How wonderful to see Her Worshipfulness, Our Beloved Queenie, giving it with both barrels on behalf of the C of E! This magnificent institution is, as her Ma'mness says, the spiritual marrowbone upon which we all nibble - a place of worship and reflection in this God-forsaken age where simple British souls can reflect and partake of ecumenical nourishment. So, feeling kinda humble, Old Wob brushed his comb-over and called by our village's house of worship for Sunday prayers. Sure enough, there was our happy clappy Rev Pritchard conducting a service of remembrance for the poor heroic Afghani children recently slaughtered by Nato bombs and leading prayers for the downtrodden Sun journalists who are now scarpering pronto to the European Court of Yuman Rights to fight their Satanic overlord, Digger Murdoch. I must say, Rich, hard-hearted Wob was moved to tears, so much so that I've decided to set up a charity called Help for Sun & Afghani Kiddie Heroes. All donations to Wob Boberts, Castle Roberts, Cum-to-Piddle, Worcs I say! (Hic!)

Scotland Yard Stasi and this sinister assault on a free Press/January 14th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob's just back from a ten day birthday jolly in gay Paree! And what a spiffing time we had! The Roberts comb-over and corsage was on full display along the Champs Elysee and in the nosheries around Le Tower Eiffel! There were snifters a plenty to enjoy in the brassieries of Montmartre and Mrs Bob treated me to a saucy knees up and dinner at the Moulin Rouge!I must say that our French cousins carry themselves with enviable grace and style going about their business with effortless panache and jeun est se quais. One of the highlights of the trip was a visit to the palace of Versailles to witness at first hand the splendour of Louis XIV and his lavish mob. Old Wob couldn't resist a peek in Marie Antoinette's bed and when there was a lull in the endless stream of Chinese tourists I shuffled in between the opulent covers for a quick snooze. Would you believe it, Rich, I woke up long after lights out and with most of the Paris gendarme dragging the sewers searching for me high and low! The trip ended with Mr Bob in a grade 1 hissy fit on the eurostar because I was discovered in another woman's bed! Ooh la la I say! (Hic!)

Rollover time on the benefit lottery/February 6th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to highlight this lotto-winning welfare sponger of the highest order! What right has this champers-swilling layabout to claim benefits after working and paying his NI contributions for the past forty years! It's an outrage! What's more, I bet he's also claiming the winter fuel allowance when he's sunning his ample corsage in Australia just like all those other feckless ex-pats out there on the Costa del Bingo! This nae'r do well should take a leaf out of Her Graciousness Our Beloved Queen's book I say and dedicate his life and good fortune to serving those less fortunate than ones-self. Why, even the head honchos at RBS and Railtrack have seen the light and are giving up their bonus payments out of the goodness of their hearts! There are plenty of charitable causes for Mr O'Shea to choose from. My personal favourite is the Gay and Lesbian Asylum Seekers Yoga And Yoghurt-Knitting Foundation which promotes positive spiritual vibes across the UK for folk of a nervous disposition. This is the kind of honest, upstanding organisation that has helped make Britain great I say! (Hic!) (Burp!) (Fart!)

Sky TV, Special Brew, Superkings...those benefit cuts in full/February 3rd 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! A viper's nest of feral state spongers has been uncovered right here in the upstanding Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle! The family in question live in a two million squid mansion and drive a fleet of luxury cars! The father is forever out on the golf course and the feckless mother has regular tummy-tucks and botox sessions at the local face transplant boutique. Their kids (FOUR of em, Rich, nudge nudge wink wink!) have got all the latest hi tech gadgets and go to private school. It's a life of luxury and the poor old UK taxpayer has been footing the bill! How come, you ask ? Well, it seems the father is a banker of the highest order and has been sucking the lifeblood out of the populace for years through excessive loan and credit card charges as honest working people struggle through life on slave wages. Needless to say, a vigilante mob carrying pitchforks and flaming torches left the snug at midnight to put right this terrible injustice and the family has now scarpered to their caribbean holiday home. In his defence the father blamed the Thatcher government of the 80s for deregulating the banks - an outrageous statement I say as we all know that Labour and Gordon McDonut Stalin Brown are to blame for the world's ills, eh Rich! (Hic!)

RBS: How to make a pig's ear out of a dog's breakfast/January 31st 2012.

Richie - As a much respected small businessman of these parts and head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I've been taking great interest in the goings on at RBS and the furore over top executive pay. Needless to say, in line with my staunch Labour principles, my company is well known for fair treatment of its workers. For example, when my supervising manager, Freddie "Ten Bellies" Wilson recently announced he was about to become a father for the ninth time at the ripe age of 58 Old Wob dug into the company coffers and shelled out for a mothercare baby pack and six cans of Boddingtons to wet the baby's head without hesitation. So, imagine my surprise when I emerged from my office yesterday to be confronted by my bolshie workforce demanding to see details of my salary, perks, bonuses and offshore accounts! "We want to know if we're all in it together, Bob" they said. Well, Richie, in the best traditions of Socialism I told em to mind their effing business and get back to work pronto else they'd all be up the road with their P45s!

At this rate we'll all be selling The Big Issue/January 24th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to have yet another (yawn!) hissy fit (yawn!) about the Trotskyite Leninist Pol-Pottist nest of communist vipers that is the BBC! How dare Evan Davis ask Iain Dunkin Donut pertinent questions about the Coagulation's desire to strip hard working families, who've paid tax and NI, of their right to claim decent benefits when Wisteria and Gideon chuck em all on the dole! The Beeb's anti-Right Wing bias is clear for all to see I say! Why, only this morning, that legendery bolshevik Quentin Letts was to be seen sitting on the breakfast sofa spouting his left-wing madness! And hardly a week goes by without Amanda "Castro" Platell, Kelvin "Stalin" McKenzie and "Red" Mel Philips cropping up on the airwaves to trouser a few more of Auntie's tax-payer funded shillings! Who knows, one day we might even see Richard "Brezshnev" Littlejohn on Question Time blowing his over-exposed hooter, although I doubt it - even the biased, lop-sided, loopy Beeb has standards! (Hic!)

Sorry, you can’t phone a friend, Mummy.../January 20th 2012.

Richie - Well I must say your quite brilliant and inventive column today made the Roberts household titter with unashamed glee as we breakfasted this morning! Who would have thought that the bestest columnist in the land would devote almost an entire article to "challenging" kids questions a la Outnumbered ? In fact, Rich, such was the sheer wonderfulness of your prose that I fired up the Jag and went hurtling down to the local school with my copy of the DM and collared my grandson and his mates at play. I gathered them round and made them read your hallowed prose so as to instill some much-needed vim and vigour into their tiny feral heads. The glazed look in their eyes was enough to confirm that they were indeed reading pure unadulterated genius. And as I walked back to the car I heard Bob jnr say: "What's the point of right wing windbags like Littlejohn ?" to which his chums answered as one "Dunno!" That's the bulldog spirit this country needs I say! Well done Lord Richie! (Hic!)

The worst job I ever had...An Ed Miliband lookalike/January 17th 2012.

Richie - With the Tory-led Coagulation's recession now upon us it was discovered that poor old Arthur Groat and his wife have been living on porridge and stewed grass since Crimbo and heating their cottage with dried fieldmouse droppings. With octagenarian Arthur not far off the knacker's yard it was suggested that his missus find gainful employment to supplement their meagre pension. But, with the UK jobmarket sinking faster than an Italian cruise ship, what hope could there be for an ugly bird in her late sixties with no experience of the real world ? It was only when we were perusing photos of DM columnists that Mrs Groat's true life vocation was found! Yes, she's now become a Rich Littlejohn double! EDL binge-drinking nights, BNP German-themed get-togethers, the Young Conservative Pinochet Appreciation dinner and dance - work has been flooding in! The real crowd pleaser is when she shouts out "They wuz only 6 dopey prozzies from Ipswich!" sending right-wing windbags from across the country into rapture! Nice work if you can stomach it I say!

Good evening, I'm from Ethics, in case you couldn't tell!/January 13th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to wax lyrical about the heroic men and women from our esteemed newspapers who risk life and liver to bring us the latest about Fergie's shenanigans, Giggsy's deceptions and Imogen's unselfish knockers! Where would the great British public be without this daily dose of gossip n hearsay ? In fact, Rich, it was Young Wob's greatest disappointment that he didn't cut the mustard as a journo and strive to become Britain's bestest columnist like what you are. Aged 16, employed by the Cum-to-Piddle Blower as a trainee reporter, I was sent on my first journalistic mission to file a piece about a wayward moggie who was stuck up a tree. Little did I know but the moggie in question belonged to a high ranking minister and, after a day's investigation at his country pile, we put the paper to bed with the headline TORY MP PINES FOR LOST PERSIAN PUSSY whereupon the editor was sacked and Old Wob told he'd never file another sentence in a British newspaper again! Mad I say!

Widescreen TVs, porn films, an antique fireplace.... so just how did you get away with fleecing the taxpayer, Jackboots?/January 10th 2012.

Richie - Oh woe! Woe! And thrice woe! I had to give up my organic anti-man-boob fitness and yoga class last week after collapsing in a heap and being rushed to A&E with a suspected heart murmur. Thankfully, rather like a knackered old boiler, it was more a case of severe over-heating of the Roberts corsage and, after spending a few days resting in my comfy chair, I'm now back to my tip-top self. But alas Old Wob has come to realise that he's not immortal and is on the final count-down to meet his maker. With this in mind I too volunteered at the local God-shop to help out on Sundays. After the relevant checks had been made I was put to work filling up the wine decanter and arranging the crackers. I did such a good job that the head warbler gave me a headline role in the Sunday service swinging the incense stick. Unfortunately though, as I paraded down the runway in my robes, the chalice came loose and lodged in the roof timbers causing a mass evacuation to the local snug! Mad I say!

Don't drink that lager Guv, it's not worth it.../January 6th 2012.

Richie - While Mrs Bob No 3 enjoys her annual holiday in Thailand Old Wob has been attending Vegetarian Pilates and Organic Anti-Moob Yoga Class all this week, the sweaty workouts supervised by a delectable and newly arrived Polish immigrant to these shores named Miss Katerina Kristova. Needless to say, Rich, I've kitted myself out with colourful top of the range trainers, body-hugging XXX lycra jumpsuit and spandex bandana in order to impress, plus spent a small fortune on all manner of scented sports gels to keep the Roberts comb-over in place. And I must say the results have already been stunning! My flabby corsage is beginning to firm up and my pale wan demeanour has been transformed into a radioactive lobster-red glow! In fact, I now feel, for the first time in years, as fit as a fiddle. so much so that I've been sprinting to the snug in double quick time every evening thereby gaining precious minutes for an extra snifter or three! Three cheers for Polish immigratiion I say!

Howzat! Now they've got us all by the googlies/January 3rd 2012.

Richie - This morning I went for my annual health MOT and a good hour was spent lying on a couch having my ample corsage poked and prodded by Dr Singh's long bony fingers. "Mr Bob, you need fresh air and exercise" he said "and less snifters and fatty breakfasts. I'm going to recommend you attend a course with our new Polish health worker, Miss Kristova." Needless to say Rich I was expecting to meet a redoubtable sour-faced ogre with a bottle of cod liver oil in one hand and an anti-cholesterol injection in the other. So imagine my delight when I was introduced to a slender Elle McPherson lookalike who examined my pitiful condition in great detail and suggested I sign up for her vegetarian Pilates and organic anti-moob yoga class! Well, the first workout is this evening so I've been using my crimbo gift vouchers to buy up all manner of lycra sportswear in order to impress this delectable creature! If Miss Kristova is typical of EU immigration to the UK then Old Wob's all for it I say!