Hacking? They can all go to hell in a handcart!/July 15th 2011.
Richie - It's the time of the year when Mrs Bob and I prepare for our summer hols. Needless to say, old Wob's battered suitcase gets filled up pronto - a couple of hawaiian shirts, a couple of pairs of shorts, a hat to protect my comb-over - whereas Mrs Bob prevaricates for weeks before filling her seven cases with high end fashion after much use of old Wob's credit card. This year's holiday destination is a closely guarded secret, though, and as the big day approaches Mrs Bob's excitement grows. "Do we go on Africa swafari, Wob ? Or sunny Flowida ? Or is it womantic twip to exotic place on tiny island you take me ?" Well, I haven't let on Rich, but just imagine the joy in the Roberts household when she learns we'll be going on a two week caravan trip to Bridlington all courtesy of a super-soaraway Sun holiday voucher! Fish n chip suppers, warm ale and brass bands in the beer garden, a hearty morning stroll along the bitter North Sea-lashed pier - makes you proud to be British I say!
Friday
Tuesday
If Max Clifford deserves £1m, what price the Dowler family?/July 12th 2011.
Richie - My good friend trades union activist Dave Salt joined us in the snug Saturday night to celebrate the imminent demise of the vile and corrupt Murdoch media empire. Old Dave is a veteran of Wapping and Orgrive and, like most on the sensible Left, has been warning about the insidious influence of News International since the early 80s. "Thatcher's Tories bent over backwards to crush the print unions and allow Murdoch a free reign" he said cradling his pint of mild. "Who would have thought that Britain would be subjected to Stasiesque spying on an industrial scale and the PM would be Murdoch's official sock-puppet!" There was much mirth regarding Flashman Cameron and his inept performance during the crisis, unlike Red Ed who's showing much-needed backbone. "You can guarantee that Milliband will be targeted by NI's friends in the media, Bob. They'll be calling him a cross-dressing macaque monkey before the end of the week!" Now that's spooky, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Richie ?
Richie - My good friend trades union activist Dave Salt joined us in the snug Saturday night to celebrate the imminent demise of the vile and corrupt Murdoch media empire. Old Dave is a veteran of Wapping and Orgrive and, like most on the sensible Left, has been warning about the insidious influence of News International since the early 80s. "Thatcher's Tories bent over backwards to crush the print unions and allow Murdoch a free reign" he said cradling his pint of mild. "Who would have thought that Britain would be subjected to Stasiesque spying on an industrial scale and the PM would be Murdoch's official sock-puppet!" There was much mirth regarding Flashman Cameron and his inept performance during the crisis, unlike Red Ed who's showing much-needed backbone. "You can guarantee that Milliband will be targeted by NI's friends in the media, Bob. They'll be calling him a cross-dressing macaque monkey before the end of the week!" Now that's spooky, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Richie ?
Callous judges have sentenced Elaine to life without dignity/July 8th 2011.
Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning and, after a quick swill and hurried brush of the comb-over, I was first in the queue at the newsagent so as to catch up with this country's bestest columnist's thoughts about the shocking revelations of this week. And I must say, Lord Richie, I wasn't disappointed! Who would have thought that Red Ed Milliband is a dead-ringer for a macaque monkey! It simply beggars belief! Needless to say all law-abiding folk hope there will be a thorough police investigation into this sordid affair and that prominent Lefty heads will roll. In fact Richie I hear the PM himself is about to give a special press conference about this most important issue. Thank goodness we have cutting edge journos like yourself to keep us up to speed! How different from the vile Marxist Pol-Pottist lentil-knitting public-sector-loving Guardian with its daily tittle-tattle about the so-called "cuts" and outrageous attacks on our beloved private sector! Richie4PM I say!
Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning and, after a quick swill and hurried brush of the comb-over, I was first in the queue at the newsagent so as to catch up with this country's bestest columnist's thoughts about the shocking revelations of this week. And I must say, Lord Richie, I wasn't disappointed! Who would have thought that Red Ed Milliband is a dead-ringer for a macaque monkey! It simply beggars belief! Needless to say all law-abiding folk hope there will be a thorough police investigation into this sordid affair and that prominent Lefty heads will roll. In fact Richie I hear the PM himself is about to give a special press conference about this most important issue. Thank goodness we have cutting edge journos like yourself to keep us up to speed! How different from the vile Marxist Pol-Pottist lentil-knitting public-sector-loving Guardian with its daily tittle-tattle about the so-called "cuts" and outrageous attacks on our beloved private sector! Richie4PM I say!
Happy families? No, another miscarriage of justice/July 4th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, said the words that send a shiver down every honest fellow's spine. "Wob" she said. "I want likkle baby and I want likkle baby NOW!" Well, for the past few months old Wob has huffed and puffed without result and concluded that something must be wrong with Mrs Bob's internal fertility organs. But Mrs Bob didn't agree with my inexpert analysis and made an appointment with Dr Singh for a second opinion. Lo and behold, Rich, it transpires that old Wob's spermatozoa is of a particular type -Type Zzzzz. "Your sperm is so lazy that they simply turn over and go to sleep whenever I peer down my microscope into the petri-dish!" said our good doctor and signed me up to a healthy eating and exercise regime to rectify the problem. Meanwhile, after reading today's esteemed column, energetic Mrs Bob has booked a flight to Nigeria to buy fertility pills while I'm looking more gaunt, pale and anxious by the day! Mad I say!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, said the words that send a shiver down every honest fellow's spine. "Wob" she said. "I want likkle baby and I want likkle baby NOW!" Well, for the past few months old Wob has huffed and puffed without result and concluded that something must be wrong with Mrs Bob's internal fertility organs. But Mrs Bob didn't agree with my inexpert analysis and made an appointment with Dr Singh for a second opinion. Lo and behold, Rich, it transpires that old Wob's spermatozoa is of a particular type -Type Zzzzz. "Your sperm is so lazy that they simply turn over and go to sleep whenever I peer down my microscope into the petri-dish!" said our good doctor and signed me up to a healthy eating and exercise regime to rectify the problem. Meanwhile, after reading today's esteemed column, energetic Mrs Bob has booked a flight to Nigeria to buy fertility pills while I'm looking more gaunt, pale and anxious by the day! Mad I say!
Friday
Winter of discontent? More like a summer of selfishness/July 1st 2011.
Richie - Yesterday I joined my my old mate Trades Union activist Dave Salt on the picket line in support of hard working public sector workers who are the backbone of this great country. There was much amusement beforehand as we scrawled our home-made placards. Mine read: SHAMERON TELLS GOLD-PLATED PORKIES I SAY! while saucy Marcia Braithwaite scrawled PRIVATE SECTOR WORKERS GROW SOME AND STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Old Dave, a plain-talking Yorkshireman, went for the simple FAIR PENSIONS FOR ALL and I must say his brevity cut to the real substance of the issue. We're sending billions in foreign aid but not protecting our own, be they public or private employees. But it was Ed Milliband who caught the sharp end of our flak after his disgraceful refusal to support our worthy cause. One old Brummie dear with forty years service proudly held a banner which read MILLIPEDE IS A GUTLESS W***ER which proves that we soft southerners can be as plain-spoken as our northern bretheren!
Richie - Yesterday I joined my my old mate Trades Union activist Dave Salt on the picket line in support of hard working public sector workers who are the backbone of this great country. There was much amusement beforehand as we scrawled our home-made placards. Mine read: SHAMERON TELLS GOLD-PLATED PORKIES I SAY! while saucy Marcia Braithwaite scrawled PRIVATE SECTOR WORKERS GROW SOME AND STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Old Dave, a plain-talking Yorkshireman, went for the simple FAIR PENSIONS FOR ALL and I must say his brevity cut to the real substance of the issue. We're sending billions in foreign aid but not protecting our own, be they public or private employees. But it was Ed Milliband who caught the sharp end of our flak after his disgraceful refusal to support our worthy cause. One old Brummie dear with forty years service proudly held a banner which read MILLIPEDE IS A GUTLESS W***ER which proves that we soft southerners can be as plain-spoken as our northern bretheren!
It's Rumpy Pumpy's Flying Circus!/June 28th 2011.
Richie - I'm just back from a weekend at the vile Marxist love-fest Glasto where myself and Mrs Bob slummed it in a tent along with 200k others. Mrs Bob spent most of the weekend in the love field threading flowers into her hair and dancing half naked round pagan maypoles while old Wob managed to elbow his way to the front of the crowd on Sunday night to shake his tail feather at the wonderful Beyonce! Rather surprisingly, Rich, we met quite a few of your fans as we paddled in the mud. One chap said he agreed with your damning indictments of baby-eating union leaders like Bob Crow. "Littlejohn is bang on the money mate" he said. "Kick out all the criminal scrum and reclaim England for the Ingurlish. I reckon Littlejohn should run for President or summat. He'd sort everythin out!" It was at this point that a rather attractive member of the CSI squad arrested him for selling hallucinogenic cup-cakes and frog-marched him to the healing field to undergo tantric therapy for his crimes!
Richie - I'm just back from a weekend at the vile Marxist love-fest Glasto where myself and Mrs Bob slummed it in a tent along with 200k others. Mrs Bob spent most of the weekend in the love field threading flowers into her hair and dancing half naked round pagan maypoles while old Wob managed to elbow his way to the front of the crowd on Sunday night to shake his tail feather at the wonderful Beyonce! Rather surprisingly, Rich, we met quite a few of your fans as we paddled in the mud. One chap said he agreed with your damning indictments of baby-eating union leaders like Bob Crow. "Littlejohn is bang on the money mate" he said. "Kick out all the criminal scrum and reclaim England for the Ingurlish. I reckon Littlejohn should run for President or summat. He'd sort everythin out!" It was at this point that a rather attractive member of the CSI squad arrested him for selling hallucinogenic cup-cakes and frog-marched him to the healing field to undergo tantric therapy for his crimes!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)