The Daleks are doing what, darling ?/August 29th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have yet another hissy fit against Auntie Beeb! My word - chaps kissing! Female detectives! Question Time audience members disagreeing with Tory policy! Whatever next! It's Left-Wing lunacy gorn stark raving mad I say! Like you, Rich, I yearn for that golden age when Jack Regan gave toddlers a good cuffing, when good honest entertainers blacked-up for The Good Old days, when Alf Garnett railed against darkies...those were the characters we all grew up with and loved, eh Rich ? How it pains me to watch all this liberal nonsense with its right-on attitude and namby-pamby presenters! I think the Beeb would do well to follow the lead of Sky with its non-stop diet of gay Glee luvvies, in-depth documentaries about Ladyboys, and endless repeats of the Simpsons! And if only the biased BBC news was as impartial as Fox the world would be put to rights in a jiffy, eh Rich ? Private broadcasting at its best, I reckon! And at only three times the price! (Hic!)
Monday
Friday
Hello, Jacqui, there's a Romanian family in my wine cellar/August 26th 2011.
Richie - There was an unseemly altercation in our snug this lunchtime. A group of university lefty-student types were sat reading the dailies. (We could tell they were lefties because hidden beneath their DM was a copy of The Guardian - nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more!). All was well until they started perusing your hallowed column and making derogatory remarks! 'I see Littlejohn is havin' a pop at Jacqui Smith and Labour again' one, wearing a Tame Impala T-shirt, smirked. 'Yeah' said his mate. 'He writes the same crap every week. Ignore him. He's just a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore.' Well, Richie, it was at this point that I sprang to your defence. I slammed down my snifter and went over to the little upstarts. 'How dare you accuse Britain's bestest columnist of being a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore' I roared, pointing at the hapless lefties. 'Why, Lord Richie is a bigoted, right-wing, BNP bore! Get your facts right next time, lefty punks!' Puh, the uneducated yoof of today, eh Rich!
Richie - There was an unseemly altercation in our snug this lunchtime. A group of university lefty-student types were sat reading the dailies. (We could tell they were lefties because hidden beneath their DM was a copy of The Guardian - nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more!). All was well until they started perusing your hallowed column and making derogatory remarks! 'I see Littlejohn is havin' a pop at Jacqui Smith and Labour again' one, wearing a Tame Impala T-shirt, smirked. 'Yeah' said his mate. 'He writes the same crap every week. Ignore him. He's just a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore.' Well, Richie, it was at this point that I sprang to your defence. I slammed down my snifter and went over to the little upstarts. 'How dare you accuse Britain's bestest columnist of being a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore' I roared, pointing at the hapless lefties. 'Why, Lord Richie is a bigoted, right-wing, BNP bore! Get your facts right next time, lefty punks!' Puh, the uneducated yoof of today, eh Rich!
Tuesday
This time next year, Reinaldo, we'll be billionaires/August 23rd 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit over Lord Mandy's swanky new £8m London pad. This self-styled Prince of Darkness is a very, very naughty boy I say! Why, former Tory cabinet ministers would never use ministerial contacts to feather their nests! They would never rake in a lucrative wedge on the blabbering circuit! Most are quite happy to leg it down the job centre after their term in office and claim income support for the rest of their natural! After 13 years of the vile Socialists thank goodness we have honest politicos like Gideon Osborne to rule over us. You'd never catch this humble multi-millionaire on a Russian oligarch's yacht! And our esteemed PM, unelected though he may be, is leading the way in moral fortitude by washing his hands of former best mate Coulsen in order to protect his own well-tanned hide. Once again Lord Wichie, Britain's bestest columnist by far, sniffs deep into the cess-pit of public life and discovers, er, not very much at all I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit over Lord Mandy's swanky new £8m London pad. This self-styled Prince of Darkness is a very, very naughty boy I say! Why, former Tory cabinet ministers would never use ministerial contacts to feather their nests! They would never rake in a lucrative wedge on the blabbering circuit! Most are quite happy to leg it down the job centre after their term in office and claim income support for the rest of their natural! After 13 years of the vile Socialists thank goodness we have honest politicos like Gideon Osborne to rule over us. You'd never catch this humble multi-millionaire on a Russian oligarch's yacht! And our esteemed PM, unelected though he may be, is leading the way in moral fortitude by washing his hands of former best mate Coulsen in order to protect his own well-tanned hide. Once again Lord Wichie, Britain's bestest columnist by far, sniffs deep into the cess-pit of public life and discovers, er, not very much at all I say! (Hic!)
Friday
Talk about adding insult to injury/August 19th 2011.
Richie - After a dismal fortnight underground avoiding the feral yoof of Ingurland's riots you'll be glad to know that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally re-emerged into the Worcester daylight. But not for long! Once we've stocked up our underground larder we'll be returning to the nuclear bunker at the bottom of our garden in anticipation of Gideon Osbourne's double-dip recession, scheduled for the winter. Needless to say, while I was above ground I called into the snug for a snifter or three and there was much talk about appropriate sentences. Arthur Groat is convinced that nothing less than ten years hard labour befits such odious crimes while Dr Singh reckons deportation to the wastes of Siberia would teach these leeches a lesson. But I disagree. Like Prince Charlie I reckon the poor bankers and politicians who caused this mess were victims of a macho gang culture. They need love, understanding, and a day trip to Alton Towers to help rehabilitate them back into society I say!
Richie - After a dismal fortnight underground avoiding the feral yoof of Ingurland's riots you'll be glad to know that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally re-emerged into the Worcester daylight. But not for long! Once we've stocked up our underground larder we'll be returning to the nuclear bunker at the bottom of our garden in anticipation of Gideon Osbourne's double-dip recession, scheduled for the winter. Needless to say, while I was above ground I called into the snug for a snifter or three and there was much talk about appropriate sentences. Arthur Groat is convinced that nothing less than ten years hard labour befits such odious crimes while Dr Singh reckons deportation to the wastes of Siberia would teach these leeches a lesson. But I disagree. Like Prince Charlie I reckon the poor bankers and politicians who caused this mess were victims of a macho gang culture. They need love, understanding, and a day trip to Alton Towers to help rehabilitate them back into society I say!
Monday
If Dave wants Wyatt Earp as Met chief, it's his call/August 16th 2011.
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour and Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly support our illustrious PM's vow to clean up Bwitain's Bwoken Society. As the stech of cordite in our cities begins to fade, his initiative to punish the parents of wrong-doers is like a breath of sweet scented spring air! So, we say the sooner the feckless mums and dads of Britain's troughing bankers are hauled out of their taxpayer-funded retirement homes on the Riviera the better! These oldies should be severely punished for rearing the obnoxious feral suits who have decimated our financial systems. As for the bankers themselves, well, perhaps a few lashings of the birch might put them back on the straight and narrow, eh Rich ? And once the PM has finished there perhaps he could move on to the parents of politicians who have bled the taxpayer dry. He might well start with Gideon Osborne's ma and pa - I hear the Chancellor allegedly made a hefty wedge or two flip-flopping his gaff! Ten years boot camp we say!
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour and Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly support our illustrious PM's vow to clean up Bwitain's Bwoken Society. As the stech of cordite in our cities begins to fade, his initiative to punish the parents of wrong-doers is like a breath of sweet scented spring air! So, we say the sooner the feckless mums and dads of Britain's troughing bankers are hauled out of their taxpayer-funded retirement homes on the Riviera the better! These oldies should be severely punished for rearing the obnoxious feral suits who have decimated our financial systems. As for the bankers themselves, well, perhaps a few lashings of the birch might put them back on the straight and narrow, eh Rich ? And once the PM has finished there perhaps he could move on to the parents of politicians who have bled the taxpayer dry. He might well start with Gideon Osborne's ma and pa - I hear the Chancellor allegedly made a hefty wedge or two flip-flopping his gaff! Ten years boot camp we say!
Thursday
The politics of envy was bound to end up in flames/August 11th 2011.
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour & Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly agree with your expert analysis regarding the riots. As you say the problems that led to this outrageous outburst of violence can be traced back 30 years to the odious Thatcher regime. In 1981 her lunatic Tory govt was busy preparing to decimate hard working communities and flog off our public utilities to foreign owners at a knock-down price - all part of a grand plan to decimate Britain's manufacturing base and introduce a low-wage slave economy centred on service industries. In the years to come we would see the introduction of casino capitalism, which has directly led to the current banking crisis, and a fawning alliance with Murdoch's dumbed-down propaganda machine News Int. Any notion of "society" was rejected in favour of a selfish me-me-me worship of material goods. Yes, an excellent analysis, Richie my old mukka. Have you ever considered a new career as a Marxist Professor of Modern Politics ?
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour & Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly agree with your expert analysis regarding the riots. As you say the problems that led to this outrageous outburst of violence can be traced back 30 years to the odious Thatcher regime. In 1981 her lunatic Tory govt was busy preparing to decimate hard working communities and flog off our public utilities to foreign owners at a knock-down price - all part of a grand plan to decimate Britain's manufacturing base and introduce a low-wage slave economy centred on service industries. In the years to come we would see the introduction of casino capitalism, which has directly led to the current banking crisis, and a fawning alliance with Murdoch's dumbed-down propaganda machine News Int. Any notion of "society" was rejected in favour of a selfish me-me-me worship of material goods. Yes, an excellent analysis, Richie my old mukka. Have you ever considered a new career as a Marxist Professor of Modern Politics ?
Tuesday
Red sky at night, Tottenham's alight - as looters liberate everything from trainers to flat-screen TVs/August 8th 2011.
Richie - With world markets in turmoil, Britains cities ablaze, NI hacking phones on an industrial scale and a double dip recession to look forward to at Xmas it was with great relief that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 received news that our illustrious PM has finally returned from his 10k a week summer hols to take control of the situation. Needless to say, here in the Worcs. village of Come-to-Piddle residents have set in motion an action plan to protect life and property from the feral hoards of raging looters. The local snug, identified as a natural refuge, has been boarded up and well stocked should civilisation and the rule of law collapse. Meanwhile, at Castle Roberts, the nuclear bunker in our garden, last used during the Thatcher era, has been swept and made ready. The only slight difficulty, Rich, is the large volume of luxury cars clogging up our quaint roads but I have it on good authority these are just bankers making a dash for the ports before rough justice catches up with them. Mad I say!
Richie - With world markets in turmoil, Britains cities ablaze, NI hacking phones on an industrial scale and a double dip recession to look forward to at Xmas it was with great relief that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 received news that our illustrious PM has finally returned from his 10k a week summer hols to take control of the situation. Needless to say, here in the Worcs. village of Come-to-Piddle residents have set in motion an action plan to protect life and property from the feral hoards of raging looters. The local snug, identified as a natural refuge, has been boarded up and well stocked should civilisation and the rule of law collapse. Meanwhile, at Castle Roberts, the nuclear bunker in our garden, last used during the Thatcher era, has been swept and made ready. The only slight difficulty, Rich, is the large volume of luxury cars clogging up our quaint roads but I have it on good authority these are just bankers making a dash for the ports before rough justice catches up with them. Mad I say!
Vote online? Be careful what you click for.../August 5th 2011.
Richie - We attended a very moving rememberence service in the village church this week in solidarity with our Norwegian cousins who, as you might have heard, were recently the victims of an outrageous act of terrorist violence. The service was the idea of our happy-clappy vicar Reverend Pritchard who retains close ties to the Nordic countries through his partner, Torben, a Danish body-builder and army sergeant. After the service a spread was laid on with tea, coffee and Scandinavian fancies and conversation turned to the extreme right-wing ideology that drove Breivik to commit his vile crime. "How lucky you are" said Torben, visibly moved, "that here in the UK there are no irresponsible journalists writing badly researched, 1-sided articles in the national press causing tension and fuelling the hatred of deluded people like Breivik." Later, in the snug, Arfur Groat, octogenarian spoon playing virtuoso of these parts, gave a rousing rendition of the Norwegian and British national anthems. Amen to that, eh Rich ?
Richie - We attended a very moving rememberence service in the village church this week in solidarity with our Norwegian cousins who, as you might have heard, were recently the victims of an outrageous act of terrorist violence. The service was the idea of our happy-clappy vicar Reverend Pritchard who retains close ties to the Nordic countries through his partner, Torben, a Danish body-builder and army sergeant. After the service a spread was laid on with tea, coffee and Scandinavian fancies and conversation turned to the extreme right-wing ideology that drove Breivik to commit his vile crime. "How lucky you are" said Torben, visibly moved, "that here in the UK there are no irresponsible journalists writing badly researched, 1-sided articles in the national press causing tension and fuelling the hatred of deluded people like Breivik." Later, in the snug, Arfur Groat, octogenarian spoon playing virtuoso of these parts, gave a rousing rendition of the Norwegian and British national anthems. Amen to that, eh Rich ?
Kelly Brook and the jihad seekers' allowance/August 2nd 2011.
Richie - We've just returned from a two week caravan holiday in Bridlington, courtesy of a super soaraway Sun holiday voucher! And what a fun first week we had! Long snoozes on the pier, chip butties and tea on the sands, evening snifters in the pavilions, Mrs Bob spending my hard-earned like it was going out of fashion...But sadly things went downhill during week 2. A party of Scandinavians peeled off one fine day and incurred the wrath of local puritans who marched to the beach pronto with their little black books singing hymns about the terrors of the flesh! Needless to say, I put up a stern defence for allowing these Nordic beauties to display their ample assets to which the church-goers labelled me a perv and said my soul would burn for eternity in the hot-place! It all ended very unpleasantly, Rich, with fisticuffs at dawn and Wob placed in the cells for an afternoon. It's about time all these religious fruitcakes were cast off on a boat with a 1-way ticket to the promised land I say!
Richie - We've just returned from a two week caravan holiday in Bridlington, courtesy of a super soaraway Sun holiday voucher! And what a fun first week we had! Long snoozes on the pier, chip butties and tea on the sands, evening snifters in the pavilions, Mrs Bob spending my hard-earned like it was going out of fashion...But sadly things went downhill during week 2. A party of Scandinavians peeled off one fine day and incurred the wrath of local puritans who marched to the beach pronto with their little black books singing hymns about the terrors of the flesh! Needless to say, I put up a stern defence for allowing these Nordic beauties to display their ample assets to which the church-goers labelled me a perv and said my soul would burn for eternity in the hot-place! It all ended very unpleasantly, Rich, with fisticuffs at dawn and Wob placed in the cells for an afternoon. It's about time all these religious fruitcakes were cast off on a boat with a 1-way ticket to the promised land I say!
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