Sorry, you can’t phone a friend, Mummy.../January 20th 2012.

Richie - Well I must say your quite brilliant and inventive column today made the Roberts household titter with unashamed glee as we breakfasted this morning! Who would have thought that the bestest columnist in the land would devote almost an entire article to "challenging" kids questions a la Outnumbered ? In fact, Rich, such was the sheer wonderfulness of your prose that I fired up the Jag and went hurtling down to the local school with my copy of the DM and collared my grandson and his mates at play. I gathered them round and made them read your hallowed prose so as to instill some much-needed vim and vigour into their tiny feral heads. The glazed look in their eyes was enough to confirm that they were indeed reading pure unadulterated genius. And as I walked back to the car I heard Bob jnr say: "What's the point of right wing windbags like Littlejohn ?" to which his chums answered as one "Dunno!" That's the bulldog spirit this country needs I say! Well done Lord Richie! (Hic!)