Here we go again, another Day of Shame/December 30th 2010.
Richie - With nothing but strikes, riots, economic armageddon, VAT increases, fuel hikes, pay cuts, unemployment and all round misery to look forward to in 2011 (courtesy of this vile, unelected CONDEM govt) Mrs Bob No 3 and I will, on New Year's Day, descend into our home-made nuclear bunker and not re-appear until the foul troughing Tories and LibDems have been driven from office! The bunker, situated in our garden, is well-stocked and comfortable with enough snifters, books, board games, and I-Spy material to keep us occupied for a full 12 months (the expected life-span of ShamCam n Cleggy's Coagulation govt). After a rousing send-off on New Year's Eve in the snug Wob Boberts' postings will fall silent in protest at the authoritarian pygmies who are dragging this great and proud nation of ours through the gutter. I say, let us all hope that the democracy-loving forces of Britain sweep away this awful administration pronto! Farewell Lord Richie Littlewon of Windbag Way! (Hic!)
Thursday
Tuesday
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows/December 28th 2010.
Richie - With the vile ConDem austerity measures just around the corner Mrs Bob No 3 and I have been working hard over Xmas preparing for the economic armageddon that surely awaits us all. Our garden shed has been transformed into a nuclear bunker complete with snifters and snacks for a full twelve months (the expected life of this wretched govt) and today I'll be lowering my comfy chair into this underground chamber before locking up Castle Roberts and clambering down the ladder myself when the VAT increase kicks in. Even though I'm more than a tad sceptical about this climate charge malarkey I've had solar panels and a wind turbine installed so that I can at least watch Premier League footy as well as live pictures of the nationwide riots that will be a feature of 2011. My next project is a tunnel linking our bunker with the local snug which should help keep me sane until the glorious day when the ConDems fall and life returns to normal. Mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's nutjob UK I say!
Richie - With the vile ConDem austerity measures just around the corner Mrs Bob No 3 and I have been working hard over Xmas preparing for the economic armageddon that surely awaits us all. Our garden shed has been transformed into a nuclear bunker complete with snifters and snacks for a full twelve months (the expected life of this wretched govt) and today I'll be lowering my comfy chair into this underground chamber before locking up Castle Roberts and clambering down the ladder myself when the VAT increase kicks in. Even though I'm more than a tad sceptical about this climate charge malarkey I've had solar panels and a wind turbine installed so that I can at least watch Premier League footy as well as live pictures of the nationwide riots that will be a feature of 2011. My next project is a tunnel linking our bunker with the local snug which should help keep me sane until the glorious day when the ConDems fall and life returns to normal. Mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's nutjob UK I say!
Friday
Happy Christmas, now call off the war on Christians/December 24th 2010.
Richie - Taking inspiration from the Telegraph's intrepid band of teenage journalists I borrowed one of Mrs Bob's wigs, slipped into an XXL festive frock and fishnets, and infiltrated the local Tory party Xmas knees up held in an 80s wine bar. My daring undercover operation was to find out the true state of our Coaliton govt. and what I discovered, Rich, was shocking! Tarquin, a merchant winker, dismissed the Lib Dems as a bunch of "pink commie hoes"; Rupert, a company director, said that Clegg couldn't be trusted to send in the army when the anti-cut riots kicked off next year; and Lady Mimsy Fullerton-Breakwater, the local treasurer, said all Lib Dems should be excluded from govt because they didn't know how to hold a fish knife properly! However, I had to escape pronto when the inebriated chairman, attracted to my chest hair, popped one of my latex falsies and rumbled my disguise causing old Wob Boberts to flee down Worcester high street to shouts of "Vile Labour filth!" Mad I say!
Richie - Taking inspiration from the Telegraph's intrepid band of teenage journalists I borrowed one of Mrs Bob's wigs, slipped into an XXL festive frock and fishnets, and infiltrated the local Tory party Xmas knees up held in an 80s wine bar. My daring undercover operation was to find out the true state of our Coaliton govt. and what I discovered, Rich, was shocking! Tarquin, a merchant winker, dismissed the Lib Dems as a bunch of "pink commie hoes"; Rupert, a company director, said that Clegg couldn't be trusted to send in the army when the anti-cut riots kicked off next year; and Lady Mimsy Fullerton-Breakwater, the local treasurer, said all Lib Dems should be excluded from govt because they didn't know how to hold a fish knife properly! However, I had to escape pronto when the inebriated chairman, attracted to my chest hair, popped one of my latex falsies and rumbled my disguise causing old Wob Boberts to flee down Worcester high street to shouts of "Vile Labour filth!" Mad I say!
Tuesday
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... chaos all the way/December 21st
Richie - Our village has been submerged beneath tons of snow for the past few days, limiting the delivery of provisions. But, in a display of fine British values, a workers' co-op has been set up in the local snug so that the vulnerable and needy don't go without. My good friend Lady Tabitha Willmot-Brown donated several Harrods Xmas hampers to the cause and Mrs Bob No 3 has been rustling up a daily pot of her famous Thai stew. Needless to say, the frozen evenings are filled with merriment and the best of local entertainment! We've had Arthur Groat playing his spoons, Dr Singh performing his magic tricks, and Marcia Braithwaite's saucy XXL burlesque show is the talk of the county! On Saturday we're holding a Julius Assange benefit night with locals performing versions of your witty Xmas song re-writes! So your labours will, in a small way Rich, be supporting the cause of free speech and helping a truly brave man in his battle against authoritarianism! Well done Littlejohn I say!
Richie - Our village has been submerged beneath tons of snow for the past few days, limiting the delivery of provisions. But, in a display of fine British values, a workers' co-op has been set up in the local snug so that the vulnerable and needy don't go without. My good friend Lady Tabitha Willmot-Brown donated several Harrods Xmas hampers to the cause and Mrs Bob No 3 has been rustling up a daily pot of her famous Thai stew. Needless to say, the frozen evenings are filled with merriment and the best of local entertainment! We've had Arthur Groat playing his spoons, Dr Singh performing his magic tricks, and Marcia Braithwaite's saucy XXL burlesque show is the talk of the county! On Saturday we're holding a Julius Assange benefit night with locals performing versions of your witty Xmas song re-writes! So your labours will, in a small way Rich, be supporting the cause of free speech and helping a truly brave man in his battle against authoritarianism! Well done Littlejohn I say!
Friday
Why can't our own Cybermen zap the WikiLeaks man?/December 17th 2010.
Richie - How right you are to criticise namby-pamby whistleblower Julius Falange! How dare this Wikipeek supremo expose the slaughter of innocent men, women, children and journos in Afghanistan! These towel-heads are of no consequence, eh Rich ? and, as you said about the Ipswich prossies, weren't exactly gonna discover a cure for cancer! This androgenous Swedish mischief-maker should stick to front page headlines about wheelie-bins, the vile Labour Trots and trans-sexual tittle-tattle - the meaty stuff that really matters to alpha scribes, eh Rich ? And as for that multi award-winning Leftist traitor John Pilger, well, I say that his brand of campaigning journalism has no place in modern-day Britain and he should be embedded up to his eye-balls in concrete, preferably somewhere on the M6. You know, since I've been taking my new medication I've been coming round to your point of view on a number of issues, Rich. (Ketamine IS ok for a tickly cough, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?)
Richie - How right you are to criticise namby-pamby whistleblower Julius Falange! How dare this Wikipeek supremo expose the slaughter of innocent men, women, children and journos in Afghanistan! These towel-heads are of no consequence, eh Rich ? and, as you said about the Ipswich prossies, weren't exactly gonna discover a cure for cancer! This androgenous Swedish mischief-maker should stick to front page headlines about wheelie-bins, the vile Labour Trots and trans-sexual tittle-tattle - the meaty stuff that really matters to alpha scribes, eh Rich ? And as for that multi award-winning Leftist traitor John Pilger, well, I say that his brand of campaigning journalism has no place in modern-day Britain and he should be embedded up to his eye-balls in concrete, preferably somewhere on the M6. You know, since I've been taking my new medication I've been coming round to your point of view on a number of issues, Rich. (Ketamine IS ok for a tickly cough, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?)
Monday
Is this Paradise? Nah, Luton Airport/December 15th 2010.
Richie - Would you adam and eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a 10 day cruise round the Med. We steamed back into Southampton chirpy as can be and as the liner prepared to dock I left Mrs Bob on deck while I collected our luggage. I oversaw the transit of our bags onto dry land and into the boot of my trusty XJ6 and then set off on the long drive towards Worcester. It was only when I reached home and was settled in my comfy chair with a double snifter that I realised my terrible mistake. Yes, you've guessed it - I'd forgotten Mrs Bob! I called the cruise company who confirmed that a rather agitated Thai lady was seated in their office threatening divorce if I didn't return pronto to pick her up! I too suggested a courier service to my front door but the idea was rudely rejected in the strange Thai dialect that is her mother tongue. So, I drove all the way back to Southampton only to find that she'd fled to her sister in Epping where she's stubbornly remained! Mad I say!
Richie - Would you adam and eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a 10 day cruise round the Med. We steamed back into Southampton chirpy as can be and as the liner prepared to dock I left Mrs Bob on deck while I collected our luggage. I oversaw the transit of our bags onto dry land and into the boot of my trusty XJ6 and then set off on the long drive towards Worcester. It was only when I reached home and was settled in my comfy chair with a double snifter that I realised my terrible mistake. Yes, you've guessed it - I'd forgotten Mrs Bob! I called the cruise company who confirmed that a rather agitated Thai lady was seated in their office threatening divorce if I didn't return pronto to pick her up! I too suggested a courier service to my front door but the idea was rudely rejected in the strange Thai dialect that is her mother tongue. So, I drove all the way back to Southampton only to find that she'd fled to her sister in Epping where she's stubbornly remained! Mad I say!
Friday
World Cup Willie must be turning in his grave/December 3rd 2010
Richie - We locals gathered in the snug yesterday to watch the world cup draw. Arthur Groat and Dr Singh were in high spirits, re-enacting Hurst's 66 winner, and Marcia Braithwaite was flashing her St George bloomers to anyone willing to pay 50p into the charity Xmas fund. But what a disappointment, eh Rich ? We were let down by snake oil salesman Cameron, who sounded more like Toff Spice pleading with delegates that he "really really" wanted the World Cup to come to England. And what with Barmy Boris adding his size 11's to the mix the game was up well before Goldenballs started jerking the heart strings. What was needed was a world statesman on our team, a Blair or a Brown, not a 2nd rate unelected PM. Needless to say there was much dejection when the winning bid was announced but a few pints were downed and a rousing rendition of "There'll Always Be A Multi-Cultural England" saw us through. And who knows - a cryogenically frozen Wob Boberts might still be around for the 2030bid!
Richie - We locals gathered in the snug yesterday to watch the world cup draw. Arthur Groat and Dr Singh were in high spirits, re-enacting Hurst's 66 winner, and Marcia Braithwaite was flashing her St George bloomers to anyone willing to pay 50p into the charity Xmas fund. But what a disappointment, eh Rich ? We were let down by snake oil salesman Cameron, who sounded more like Toff Spice pleading with delegates that he "really really" wanted the World Cup to come to England. And what with Barmy Boris adding his size 11's to the mix the game was up well before Goldenballs started jerking the heart strings. What was needed was a world statesman on our team, a Blair or a Brown, not a 2nd rate unelected PM. Needless to say there was much dejection when the winning bid was announced but a few pints were downed and a rousing rendition of "There'll Always Be A Multi-Cultural England" saw us through. And who knows - a cryogenically frozen Wob Boberts might still be around for the 2030bid!
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