The unsung 'heroines' who champion feminism/December 30th 2011.
Richie - We're counting down to New Year's Eve here in the village snug! The ivories are tinkling, the fire is blazing and snifters are lining the bar aplenty! Old Arthur Groat, virtuoso spoon-playing octogenarian of these parts, has been providing the entertainment along with local super-size burlesque artiste Marcia Braithwaite who, in a rather tawdry imitation of Imogen Thomas, wrapped herself in gaffa tape and had to undergo emergency surgery at A & E! Last night, though, the annual Right Wing Windbag of the Year 2011 was crowned! Unfortunately, Rich, you came a poor seventh, behind such raving fruitcakes as Clarkson, Palin, Mckenzie, loopy Mel Philips and lovable nutter Nige Farage! However, you'll be pleased to hear that Tea Party pin up Glenn Beck romped home thanks to his completely ga-ga comments comparing the Norwegian Labour Party Youth Camp on Utoya to a Nazi rally! Richie - forget the tired old elf-n-safety-wheelie-bins routine and up your game in 2012 I say!
Thursday
Tuesday
The Makes You Proud To Be British Quiz/December 27th 2011.
Richie - Festive greetings from the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle! And what a swell time we've had! Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, rustled up a tasty Asian-inspired Xmas Day feast of turkey, brussels sprouts and pan-fried bamboo worms followed by traditional plum pudding with an added sprinkling of honey-fried grasshopper husks! I was also presented with many wonderful gifts, including a pair of Karl Marx slippers from my precocious grandson Bob Roberts junior, a "Ditch Milliband Now!" t-shirt from my good pal Trades unionist Dave Salt, and a box set of your esteemed Live & Unleashed TV show from Mrs Bob No 2 who, sadly, was never blessed with either taste or refinement! However, Rich, my Xmas was spoiled by a report on the Trotskyite BBC that our beloved royals open their pressies on Christmas Eve, following "German tradition." Shurely shome mishtake, Rich, and I hope you will use all your considerable research skills to refute the Beeb's treasonable accusation I say! (Hic!)
Richie - Festive greetings from the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle! And what a swell time we've had! Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, rustled up a tasty Asian-inspired Xmas Day feast of turkey, brussels sprouts and pan-fried bamboo worms followed by traditional plum pudding with an added sprinkling of honey-fried grasshopper husks! I was also presented with many wonderful gifts, including a pair of Karl Marx slippers from my precocious grandson Bob Roberts junior, a "Ditch Milliband Now!" t-shirt from my good pal Trades unionist Dave Salt, and a box set of your esteemed Live & Unleashed TV show from Mrs Bob No 2 who, sadly, was never blessed with either taste or refinement! However, Rich, my Xmas was spoiled by a report on the Trotskyite BBC that our beloved royals open their pressies on Christmas Eve, following "German tradition." Shurely shome mishtake, Rich, and I hope you will use all your considerable research skills to refute the Beeb's treasonable accusation I say! (Hic!)
Twinkle, twinkle, little...WHAT?/December 20th 2011.
Richie - We attended my precocious grandson Bob Roberts jnr's school nativity last week. Not content with bagging the lead role as the wisest of the three wise men, the feisty 11 year old (who has ambitions to be Labour PM by the age of 40) had also been allowed by his teachers to write, produce, and direct the production. As you can imagine, Rich, in Bob jnr's version the downtrodden townsfolk of Nazareth rose up against the vile Tory-led coagulation, replacing it with a democratic socialist government of the people. The final number was a musical extravaganza demanding decent pensions for both private and public sector workers after which the show ended with Young Bob bagging Mary, the hottest girl on the block, and riding off into the desert sunset. Of course, flushed with his success, he's now re-considering his career options, looking to the stage rather than politics. But after the Krankies' sordid revelations this week I'm trying desperately to talk him out of it I say!
Richie - We attended my precocious grandson Bob Roberts jnr's school nativity last week. Not content with bagging the lead role as the wisest of the three wise men, the feisty 11 year old (who has ambitions to be Labour PM by the age of 40) had also been allowed by his teachers to write, produce, and direct the production. As you can imagine, Rich, in Bob jnr's version the downtrodden townsfolk of Nazareth rose up against the vile Tory-led coagulation, replacing it with a democratic socialist government of the people. The final number was a musical extravaganza demanding decent pensions for both private and public sector workers after which the show ended with Young Bob bagging Mary, the hottest girl on the block, and riding off into the desert sunset. Of course, flushed with his success, he's now re-considering his career options, looking to the stage rather than politics. But after the Krankies' sordid revelations this week I'm trying desperately to talk him out of it I say!
Santa Claus ain't coming to town.../December 6th 2011.
Richie - Our village has been preparing for a make-do and mend festive season. The pub has been decorated with trimmings cut from old washing powder boxes and our happy clappy vicar Rev Pritchard replaced the church nativity decoration with a photo of Arch Druid Williams in order to cut costs, scaring local children half to death. Of course there is much extra work this year with food parcels to distribute to public sector workers and local farmers on red-alert in case their animal stock is rustled by starving city dwellers. And with electricity prices going through the roof Old Wob can no longer afford his Xmas light show at Castle Roberts (featuring Che Guevara as baby Jesus) and will instead place a miserly tea candle in the front window. Worst of all though Rich will be the absence of Santa's grotto which is traditionally situated near the village duck pond. After last year's fiasco when Santa, a repentent banker, tried to top himself, we thought better of it! (Shoot em all I say!)
Richie - Our village has been preparing for a make-do and mend festive season. The pub has been decorated with trimmings cut from old washing powder boxes and our happy clappy vicar Rev Pritchard replaced the church nativity decoration with a photo of Arch Druid Williams in order to cut costs, scaring local children half to death. Of course there is much extra work this year with food parcels to distribute to public sector workers and local farmers on red-alert in case their animal stock is rustled by starving city dwellers. And with electricity prices going through the roof Old Wob can no longer afford his Xmas light show at Castle Roberts (featuring Che Guevara as baby Jesus) and will instead place a miserly tea candle in the front window. Worst of all though Rich will be the absence of Santa's grotto which is traditionally situated near the village duck pond. After last year's fiasco when Santa, a repentent banker, tried to top himself, we thought better of it! (Shoot em all I say!)
Friday
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, health 'n' safety and Plod: How regulation and high taxes are crippling small businesses/December 2nd 2011.
Richie - It's with great sadness that I report the demise of a well-known local business of these parts. Marge Butterworth set up her mobile cup-cake service back in the boom years of Gordon Brown. Much of her custom came from council departments and public sector workers who snapped up Marge's wares for meetings, birthdays and official functions. Now, though, with public sector wages and pension benefits being ground to dust poor Marge's trade has shrivelled to a halt and this week saw her pink van make its final run before the business was wound up. Needless to say, Marge is a broken woman but clear-headed enough to realise that all businesses depend on a vibrant public sector for their custom. Indeed Marge was at the forefront of the union march on Wednesday demonstrating against the loony policies of this vile unelected govt of the Tory featherweights! What a shame the private sector moaners who demonise the public sector don't realise they're biting the hand that feeds them I say!
Richie - It's with great sadness that I report the demise of a well-known local business of these parts. Marge Butterworth set up her mobile cup-cake service back in the boom years of Gordon Brown. Much of her custom came from council departments and public sector workers who snapped up Marge's wares for meetings, birthdays and official functions. Now, though, with public sector wages and pension benefits being ground to dust poor Marge's trade has shrivelled to a halt and this week saw her pink van make its final run before the business was wound up. Needless to say, Marge is a broken woman but clear-headed enough to realise that all businesses depend on a vibrant public sector for their custom. Indeed Marge was at the forefront of the union march on Wednesday demonstrating against the loony policies of this vile unelected govt of the Tory featherweights! What a shame the private sector moaners who demonise the public sector don't realise they're biting the hand that feeds them I say!
Monday
Never mind the ballots: Here's the Sexy Tories/November 29th 2011.
Richie - This morning I was explaining the nation's pension difficulties to my precocious grandson, Bob jnr. Young Bob has dreams of becoming Labour PM before the age of 40 and, according to his tutors, even at 11 years old is already a dead cert for a place at Oxbridge. After an hour's deep thinking he handed me a scrap of paper on which he'd written: "PM Bob Roberts' Patriotic Retirement Plan". It read: "There are about 10 million people over 50 in the UK workforce. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following provisos: 1) They must retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed. 2) They must buy a new car. Ten million cars ordered - car industry fixed. 3) They must buy a house/pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed. 4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - education fixed. 5) They must buy £100 worth of alcohol/tobacco/petrol a week...govt gets back money in duty/tax." He then skipped off to put his radical pension proposals to the attractive young girl next door. Pure genius I say, eh Rich ?
Richie - This morning I was explaining the nation's pension difficulties to my precocious grandson, Bob jnr. Young Bob has dreams of becoming Labour PM before the age of 40 and, according to his tutors, even at 11 years old is already a dead cert for a place at Oxbridge. After an hour's deep thinking he handed me a scrap of paper on which he'd written: "PM Bob Roberts' Patriotic Retirement Plan". It read: "There are about 10 million people over 50 in the UK workforce. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following provisos: 1) They must retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed. 2) They must buy a new car. Ten million cars ordered - car industry fixed. 3) They must buy a house/pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed. 4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - education fixed. 5) They must buy £100 worth of alcohol/tobacco/petrol a week...govt gets back money in duty/tax." He then skipped off to put his radical pension proposals to the attractive young girl next door. Pure genius I say, eh Rich ?
Tuesday
This elf 'n' safety madness is par for the course.../November 22nd 2011.
Richie - Here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle locals are preparing for next week's Day of Action against Shameron's vile Coagulation of the Unelected. Old Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player and farmer of these parts, has generously loaned one of his barns for activists to print off flyers and hammer together their "Shameron The Pension Snatcher" banners! Unfortunately though Rich, dark undemocratic forces have been at work. The barn has been targeted by anti-union thugs (probably tattooed, shaven-headed BNP-EDL louts) who've sprayed "Lefty Scum" and "Sack Striking Teechers" graffiti on Arthur's barn doors. But Old Wob came to the rescue. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I deployed three of my crack Polish security guards to take on the yellow-bellied right-wing critters! They soon legged it over the fields, one even falling into a cow pat such was his eagerness to escape! But it's a sad day when we have to rely on hard-working Poles to uphold our democratic rights, eh Rich? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?
Richie - Here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle locals are preparing for next week's Day of Action against Shameron's vile Coagulation of the Unelected. Old Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player and farmer of these parts, has generously loaned one of his barns for activists to print off flyers and hammer together their "Shameron The Pension Snatcher" banners! Unfortunately though Rich, dark undemocratic forces have been at work. The barn has been targeted by anti-union thugs (probably tattooed, shaven-headed BNP-EDL louts) who've sprayed "Lefty Scum" and "Sack Striking Teechers" graffiti on Arthur's barn doors. But Old Wob came to the rescue. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I deployed three of my crack Polish security guards to take on the yellow-bellied right-wing critters! They soon legged it over the fields, one even falling into a cow pat such was his eagerness to escape! But it's a sad day when we have to rely on hard-working Poles to uphold our democratic rights, eh Rich? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?
Friday
Springtime for Merkel, starring in no particular order.../November 18th 2011.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3's amateur operatic group were considering staging Springtime for Hitler as their March 2012 production. However, our happy clappy vicar, Rev Pritchard, who has always harboured a secret longing to tread the boards, has now written a brand new operetta entitled "The Sick Old Maid of Europe". Rather like Dickens' Miss Havisham, old maid Brittania is locked away frothing at the gills while the domineering - but rather sexy - Frau Saurkraut entertains her euro friends to a cultural parle in her boudoir. Things come to a rather unseemly head when old maid Brittania staggers down the stairs and demands to join in the fun! There follows an almighty hissy fit when she's ignored, culminating in Brittania's wig, teeth, falsies and wooden leg falling orf causing her to shrivel up and die. Best of all, Old Wob has bagged for himself the role of Richie, a British bulldog who pines for his dead mistress and sings the final number "I Might Be A Right-Wing Windbag, But I'm Ingurlish Through And Through". The show ends with Richie being put to sleep by Madmoselle Sarky for making a whoopsie on the carpet! Zoot Alors, Herr Rumpy, I say!
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3's amateur operatic group were considering staging Springtime for Hitler as their March 2012 production. However, our happy clappy vicar, Rev Pritchard, who has always harboured a secret longing to tread the boards, has now written a brand new operetta entitled "The Sick Old Maid of Europe". Rather like Dickens' Miss Havisham, old maid Brittania is locked away frothing at the gills while the domineering - but rather sexy - Frau Saurkraut entertains her euro friends to a cultural parle in her boudoir. Things come to a rather unseemly head when old maid Brittania staggers down the stairs and demands to join in the fun! There follows an almighty hissy fit when she's ignored, culminating in Brittania's wig, teeth, falsies and wooden leg falling orf causing her to shrivel up and die. Best of all, Old Wob has bagged for himself the role of Richie, a British bulldog who pines for his dead mistress and sings the final number "I Might Be A Right-Wing Windbag, But I'm Ingurlish Through And Through". The show ends with Richie being put to sleep by Madmoselle Sarky for making a whoopsie on the carpet! Zoot Alors, Herr Rumpy, I say!
Tuesday
Along with hard-working Polish plumbers we have countless criminals from former Iron Curtain countries/November 15th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair after my post-Newsnight snifter when I was awoken by my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3. "Wob! Wob!" she said in a terrified whisper. "I just see fanny-looking man in garden! Me sure he a metal-feef!" Well, as you can imagine Old Wob sprung into action. I put on my safety goggles and sneaked into the kitchen where I confirmed the faint outline of a Romanian Labour-supporting benefits cheat trying to prise off the tat from my ornamental sun dial. After locking Mrs Bob in a cupboard for her own safety I then made my way into the loft where I activated my anti-Romanian metal thief defences. Our hydraulic roof opened exposing an array of machine guns and tomahawk missiles which I trained on the unsuspecting lout below. After shouting a warning (in compliance with dastardly EU yuman rights legislation) I let rip with my armoury, vapourising not only the unsuspecting feef but much of the surrounding village. Another victory for the bulldog spirit I say!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair after my post-Newsnight snifter when I was awoken by my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3. "Wob! Wob!" she said in a terrified whisper. "I just see fanny-looking man in garden! Me sure he a metal-feef!" Well, as you can imagine Old Wob sprung into action. I put on my safety goggles and sneaked into the kitchen where I confirmed the faint outline of a Romanian Labour-supporting benefits cheat trying to prise off the tat from my ornamental sun dial. After locking Mrs Bob in a cupboard for her own safety I then made my way into the loft where I activated my anti-Romanian metal thief defences. Our hydraulic roof opened exposing an array of machine guns and tomahawk missiles which I trained on the unsuspecting lout below. After shouting a warning (in compliance with dastardly EU yuman rights legislation) I let rip with my armoury, vapourising not only the unsuspecting feef but much of the surrounding village. Another victory for the bulldog spirit I say!
Armed police! Drop the bread and step away from the duck pond/November 1st 2011.
Richie - This month is National Novel Writing Month and Old Wob is busy bashing his tablet all hours of the day in order to write 50k words before Nov 30th. Of course, Rich, my efforts will never match your own literary masterpiece, The Essex Joke Book For Dozy Birds, but I've come up with a plot which I think has a fair chance of success! My central character is a gobby duck named Dickie who squeaks and squarks each Tuesday and Friday, much to the annoyance of the locals. Things come to a head when Dickie's downtrodden neighbours feed him cheap white bread, causing his feathers to drop orf and his bill to subside until the once-famous duck is but a shadow of himself. Eventually elf n safety decide to relieve Dickie's suffering and put the rancid quacker to sleep. However, the local populace, sad that such a merry character should come to such a pitiful end, have him stuffed and mounted in the local snug where they drink snifters to his memory twice a week! A sure-fire bestseller I say!
Richie - This month is National Novel Writing Month and Old Wob is busy bashing his tablet all hours of the day in order to write 50k words before Nov 30th. Of course, Rich, my efforts will never match your own literary masterpiece, The Essex Joke Book For Dozy Birds, but I've come up with a plot which I think has a fair chance of success! My central character is a gobby duck named Dickie who squeaks and squarks each Tuesday and Friday, much to the annoyance of the locals. Things come to a head when Dickie's downtrodden neighbours feed him cheap white bread, causing his feathers to drop orf and his bill to subside until the once-famous duck is but a shadow of himself. Eventually elf n safety decide to relieve Dickie's suffering and put the rancid quacker to sleep. However, the local populace, sad that such a merry character should come to such a pitiful end, have him stuffed and mounted in the local snug where they drink snifters to his memory twice a week! A sure-fire bestseller I say!
How Jobcentres have turned into a Circus of Horrors/October 25th 2011.
Richie - Your wonderful, in-depth article regarding the vacancy for a knife throwing asisstant in Blackpool brought back memories of my own fleeting brush with stardom! It was during another Tory-induced recession back in the early 80s that Young Wob, down on his luck and cruelly victimised by the odious Thatcher, managed to find gainful employment with Hattie, the Busty Bearded Seductress who danced the seven veils. As her assistant I accompanied this pouting beauty to numerous bars and gentlemen's clubs of dubious reputation acting as compare and all-round dogsbody before this lithe, exotic creature titillated and beguiled paupers and millionaires alike, displaying her ample wares after a tantalising tease with silk and peacock feathers. A woman of few words it was only when I accidentaly barged into her dressing room that I discovered the truth: Hattie was a tattooed former lorry driver from Bradford who had undergone a backstreet snip in order to make ends meet! It's mad in Tory Britain I say!
Richie - Your wonderful, in-depth article regarding the vacancy for a knife throwing asisstant in Blackpool brought back memories of my own fleeting brush with stardom! It was during another Tory-induced recession back in the early 80s that Young Wob, down on his luck and cruelly victimised by the odious Thatcher, managed to find gainful employment with Hattie, the Busty Bearded Seductress who danced the seven veils. As her assistant I accompanied this pouting beauty to numerous bars and gentlemen's clubs of dubious reputation acting as compare and all-round dogsbody before this lithe, exotic creature titillated and beguiled paupers and millionaires alike, displaying her ample wares after a tantalising tease with silk and peacock feathers. A woman of few words it was only when I accidentaly barged into her dressing room that I discovered the truth: Hattie was a tattooed former lorry driver from Bradford who had undergone a backstreet snip in order to make ends meet! It's mad in Tory Britain I say!
Monday
Council igloos? It's their culture, innit!/October 21st 2011.
Richie - Greeings from the People's Islamic Republic of Misrata! As an upstanding small UK businessman Old Wob blagged a seat on a hastily arranged flight for Brit exporters bound for Libya as soon as news came through of the dictator's demise! On board were the usual suspects - arms dealers, taser salesmen, hi-vis jacket manufacturers, botox injectors, scotch egg suppliers & alcopops distillers, in short the finest goods Britain can offer a fledgling democracy! And what a first class welcome we received! We were escorted by a column of Mad Max lookalikes and shown the storm drain where Gaddafi was dragged to his inglorious end. Sad to say the volatile fighters didn't seem very interested in our wares - nor one Brit entrepeneur's suggestion that the drain be transformed into a lap dancing club called Mad Dogs - preferring instead to place orders for minarets, prayer mats and the latest hi-end fashion burkas for their womenfolk! It'll be democracy, Dave, but not as we know it, I say!
Richie - Greeings from the People's Islamic Republic of Misrata! As an upstanding small UK businessman Old Wob blagged a seat on a hastily arranged flight for Brit exporters bound for Libya as soon as news came through of the dictator's demise! On board were the usual suspects - arms dealers, taser salesmen, hi-vis jacket manufacturers, botox injectors, scotch egg suppliers & alcopops distillers, in short the finest goods Britain can offer a fledgling democracy! And what a first class welcome we received! We were escorted by a column of Mad Max lookalikes and shown the storm drain where Gaddafi was dragged to his inglorious end. Sad to say the volatile fighters didn't seem very interested in our wares - nor one Brit entrepeneur's suggestion that the drain be transformed into a lap dancing club called Mad Dogs - preferring instead to place orders for minarets, prayer mats and the latest hi-end fashion burkas for their womenfolk! It'll be democracy, Dave, but not as we know it, I say!
Move over Swampy, it's us who should be protesting/October 18th 2011.
Richie - Greetings from the Occupy the London Stock Exchange demo! Yesterday Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 fired up the Jag and hot-footed it to St Paul's in order to take part in the global struggle against loony-tunes capitalism! And what a swell time we're having, Rich! We've met all manner of honest folk - from hard-up grannies to university lecturers to small business owners who are sick to the back teeth of Shameron's Coagulation of the Featherweights! We all cheered when the wonderful Julius Assange spoke on the hallowed steps (and he's not a mere email hacker as you incorrectly say, Rich, but a courageous informant of what corrupt governments are up to, so get your facts right I say! Saint Julian puts to shame the lazy political commentators of this land who pontificate from their ivory towers!) This afternoon, after I've snoozed in my comfy chair, we intend to zip up the Roberts tent and catch a few West End shows. So, not only is Old Wob saving the world, Rich, but I'm saving a fortune in hotel bills! Mad I say!
Richie - Greetings from the Occupy the London Stock Exchange demo! Yesterday Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 fired up the Jag and hot-footed it to St Paul's in order to take part in the global struggle against loony-tunes capitalism! And what a swell time we're having, Rich! We've met all manner of honest folk - from hard-up grannies to university lecturers to small business owners who are sick to the back teeth of Shameron's Coagulation of the Featherweights! We all cheered when the wonderful Julius Assange spoke on the hallowed steps (and he's not a mere email hacker as you incorrectly say, Rich, but a courageous informant of what corrupt governments are up to, so get your facts right I say! Saint Julian puts to shame the lazy political commentators of this land who pontificate from their ivory towers!) This afternoon, after I've snoozed in my comfy chair, we intend to zip up the Roberts tent and catch a few West End shows. So, not only is Old Wob saving the world, Rich, but I'm saving a fortune in hotel bills! Mad I say!
Saturday
With 'victims' like these, the cuts can't be all bad!/October 14th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit at the Marxist-Leninist Pol-Pottist Left-leaning tree-hugging Gramci-ite, Jarrow-marching BBC! How dare these wet behind the ears liberals report that wimmin are having a rough time in our Tory-led utopia! The bleeding heart unemployed should get on their bikes and look for work in the same way that old Grandad Roberts used his initiative back in the 30s and set up an illegal factory selling cheap home-made meths! That dopey bird who can't be bothered to travel to another borough is a disgrace I say! Why, thousands of enterprising young people are going the extra mile to find a job. (Is she, methinks, a Labour voter ? Either way she isn't going to find a cure for cancer, eh Rich ?) Take young Adam Werritty - a credit to our nation! This honest, upstanding chap has travelled to such far away places as Hong Kong and Singapore to earn himself a crust! That's the kind of lie back and think of England bulldog spirit we need today! Auntie Beeb should get Adam on Strictly Come Fry A 16 Ounce Steak pronto I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit at the Marxist-Leninist Pol-Pottist Left-leaning tree-hugging Gramci-ite, Jarrow-marching BBC! How dare these wet behind the ears liberals report that wimmin are having a rough time in our Tory-led utopia! The bleeding heart unemployed should get on their bikes and look for work in the same way that old Grandad Roberts used his initiative back in the 30s and set up an illegal factory selling cheap home-made meths! That dopey bird who can't be bothered to travel to another borough is a disgrace I say! Why, thousands of enterprising young people are going the extra mile to find a job. (Is she, methinks, a Labour voter ? Either way she isn't going to find a cure for cancer, eh Rich ?) Take young Adam Werritty - a credit to our nation! This honest, upstanding chap has travelled to such far away places as Hong Kong and Singapore to earn himself a crust! That's the kind of lie back and think of England bulldog spirit we need today! Auntie Beeb should get Adam on Strictly Come Fry A 16 Ounce Steak pronto I say! (Hic!)
Tuesday
'Ello, John, got a new Motability motor?/October 11th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my precocious 11 year old grandson, Bob Roberts jnr, shook me awake. Young Bob is staying at Castle Roberts while his parents enjoy a well-earned break and is studying hard as he seeks to achieve his goal of becoming Labour PM around the year 2035. A considerate chap, Bob jnr had poured me an early-morning snifter and collected my copy of the DM. "Anything interesting in the news today ?" I asked, blurry eyed, to which Bob grimaced and stamped his little foot in frustration. "That Right-wing windbag Littlejohn is criticising the motability scheme" he snarled. "Why can't these Tory nutters understand that only governments and the public sector can stimulate an economy during recession. Take away the motability allowance and new car sales will collapse, leading to more unemployment and a higher benefits bill. I mean, it's not rocket science!" and with that young Bob skipped off into the garden to discuss endogenous growth theory with the attractive girl next door!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my precocious 11 year old grandson, Bob Roberts jnr, shook me awake. Young Bob is staying at Castle Roberts while his parents enjoy a well-earned break and is studying hard as he seeks to achieve his goal of becoming Labour PM around the year 2035. A considerate chap, Bob jnr had poured me an early-morning snifter and collected my copy of the DM. "Anything interesting in the news today ?" I asked, blurry eyed, to which Bob grimaced and stamped his little foot in frustration. "That Right-wing windbag Littlejohn is criticising the motability scheme" he snarled. "Why can't these Tory nutters understand that only governments and the public sector can stimulate an economy during recession. Take away the motability allowance and new car sales will collapse, leading to more unemployment and a higher benefits bill. I mean, it's not rocket science!" and with that young Bob skipped off into the garden to discuss endogenous growth theory with the attractive girl next door!
Sunday
Another triumph for the elf'n'safety headbangers/October 7th 2011.
Richie - I must say Old Wob, dressed in fishnets, wig and one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, had a tip top time at the Tory conference. During the morning I'd sit snoozing in the main half-filled hall with all the other half-baked delegates before retiring for a snifter or three ahead of the main afternoon speech. The Tory thought-police would be out in force before these speeches, trying to whip the faithful into a frenzy with all the vigour of Stalin's commissars but it was a hard job Rich to get enthusiastic about this nonsense and especially Shamcam's rambling dirge about highlighter pens. Even worse was Gideon's speech which dashed any hope of salvation from the upcoming economic Armageddon. And with today's news that the govt is moving away from guaranteeing bank savings, I'll be off to withdraw my stash in order to hide it under the bed! Little wonder that Tory delegates were engaged in gargantuan bouts of boozing! With this bunch of incompetents in charge we're doomed I say DOOMED!
Richie - I must say Old Wob, dressed in fishnets, wig and one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, had a tip top time at the Tory conference. During the morning I'd sit snoozing in the main half-filled hall with all the other half-baked delegates before retiring for a snifter or three ahead of the main afternoon speech. The Tory thought-police would be out in force before these speeches, trying to whip the faithful into a frenzy with all the vigour of Stalin's commissars but it was a hard job Rich to get enthusiastic about this nonsense and especially Shamcam's rambling dirge about highlighter pens. Even worse was Gideon's speech which dashed any hope of salvation from the upcoming economic Armageddon. And with today's news that the govt is moving away from guaranteeing bank savings, I'll be off to withdraw my stash in order to hide it under the bed! Little wonder that Tory delegates were engaged in gargantuan bouts of boozing! With this bunch of incompetents in charge we're doomed I say DOOMED!
Friday
Whatever the BBC say, Britain is still mainly white, Christian and straight/September 30th 2011.
Richie - Yesterday Old Wob mounted an undercover operation to gatecrash the Tory conference posing as a blue rinse lady of independent means. I slipped into one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, added a blonde wig, fishnets and heels, and infiltrated the local Tory coven making its way by coach to Manchester. And what a swell journey it was Rich! The champers flowed and Lady Mimsy Breakwater brought along a couple of Harrods hampers to lighten the journey. We sang all the favourite Tory songs, including "Shoot the Poor", "All Lefties Are Gay" and "We Are The Nasty Party" and much of the conversation yearned for a bygone England in which serfs were whipped to church on Sunday and crowds gathered at Tyburn to cheer public hangings and floggings. The only blemish was when the chair of the Young Tories got amorous on the back seat and burst one of my falsies. Thankfully there were plenty of I Love Maggie balloons floating about whereupon I stuffed two down my frontage and no one was any the wiser!
Richie - Yesterday Old Wob mounted an undercover operation to gatecrash the Tory conference posing as a blue rinse lady of independent means. I slipped into one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, added a blonde wig, fishnets and heels, and infiltrated the local Tory coven making its way by coach to Manchester. And what a swell journey it was Rich! The champers flowed and Lady Mimsy Breakwater brought along a couple of Harrods hampers to lighten the journey. We sang all the favourite Tory songs, including "Shoot the Poor", "All Lefties Are Gay" and "We Are The Nasty Party" and much of the conversation yearned for a bygone England in which serfs were whipped to church on Sunday and crowds gathered at Tyburn to cheer public hangings and floggings. The only blemish was when the chair of the Young Tories got amorous on the back seat and burst one of my falsies. Thankfully there were plenty of I Love Maggie balloons floating about whereupon I stuffed two down my frontage and no one was any the wiser!
Thursday
These terrorists should all be wearing orange jumpsuits, not jumping on a red London bus/September 27th 2011.
Richie - Greetings from Liverpool! Old Wob and my best mate union activist Dave Salt hot-footed it from the People's Republic of Dale Farm to the Labour conference just in time for Mister Ed's speech. And what a fine red-blooded speech it was! Putting the boot in to Southern Cross and the troughing bankers, giving it with both barrels to Fred the Shred and dopey Shameron - what a pity he didn't call for the odious Thatcher and her vile 80s cabinet to be prosecuted for crimes against the British people! However I was shocked when a group of young Tories who had sneaked in through a side door booed our illustrious former PM Blair! Needless to say Rich I went in search of the critters with a rolled up copy of the DM in order to teach em some respect! The day's only other blemish was at the after-speech knees up when I flirted with one of the sisters. In the spirit of comradely friendship I declared my admiration for her well-endowed fun bags and had to flee in fear for my manhood pronto!
Richie - Greetings from Liverpool! Old Wob and my best mate union activist Dave Salt hot-footed it from the People's Republic of Dale Farm to the Labour conference just in time for Mister Ed's speech. And what a fine red-blooded speech it was! Putting the boot in to Southern Cross and the troughing bankers, giving it with both barrels to Fred the Shred and dopey Shameron - what a pity he didn't call for the odious Thatcher and her vile 80s cabinet to be prosecuted for crimes against the British people! However I was shocked when a group of young Tories who had sneaked in through a side door booed our illustrious former PM Blair! Needless to say Rich I went in search of the critters with a rolled up copy of the DM in order to teach em some respect! The day's only other blemish was at the after-speech knees up when I flirted with one of the sisters. In the spirit of comradely friendship I declared my admiration for her well-endowed fun bags and had to flee in fear for my manhood pronto!
Friday
Beware of the Cornish Mutant Ninja Tortoises!/September 23rd 2011.
Richie - I must say we sat in the snug this afternoon agog - nay, entranced - by your most excellent column. Who would have thought that today, when Mahmood Abbas stood before the UN to make his impassioned and historical plea for Palestinian statehood, that Lord Richie Littlewon, Britain's Bestest Columnist, would produce such a literary masterwork! To symbolically equate the struggle of the PLO with a tortoise sanctuary in deepest Cornwall was nothing short of genius sir! The poor tortoises, penned in and deprived of their freedom, and subject to the intransigent whims of a jobsworth council official (obviously a coded swipe at Netanyahu) is a most telling metaphor - one that the venerable Swift would applaud! Old Arthur Groat was so overcome that his dentures fell out of his mouth and into his pint of mild. Lord Richie, your esteemed column has today greatly contributed to the cause of peace in the Middle East. Never will I look at a tortoise in the same way again I say! (Hic!)
Richie - I must say we sat in the snug this afternoon agog - nay, entranced - by your most excellent column. Who would have thought that today, when Mahmood Abbas stood before the UN to make his impassioned and historical plea for Palestinian statehood, that Lord Richie Littlewon, Britain's Bestest Columnist, would produce such a literary masterwork! To symbolically equate the struggle of the PLO with a tortoise sanctuary in deepest Cornwall was nothing short of genius sir! The poor tortoises, penned in and deprived of their freedom, and subject to the intransigent whims of a jobsworth council official (obviously a coded swipe at Netanyahu) is a most telling metaphor - one that the venerable Swift would applaud! Old Arthur Groat was so overcome that his dentures fell out of his mouth and into his pint of mild. Lord Richie, your esteemed column has today greatly contributed to the cause of peace in the Middle East. Never will I look at a tortoise in the same way again I say! (Hic!)
Tuesday
No, I'm not kidding. We really have to defend the Guardian/September 20th 2011.
Richie - Greetings from Free Dale Farm! Old Wob and my best mate Union activist Dave Salt fired up the Jag and travelled down last night to support the residents and owners of this land from the viscious ethnic cleansing programme initiated by Tory Basildon Council. And what bravery these people have shown Rich - heroes every one for standing up to the oppressive Tory state machine! In an age when troughing bankers are pocketing billions and holding our financial systems to ransom it beggars belief that millions of pounds of taxpayers money can be spent on forced evictions of the poorest people in the land - all on the petty grounds of lax planning laws. Needless to say, we're keeping an eye out for any Stasi NI reporters infiltrating the camp and many of the security personnel (immigrants mainly,I reckon,paid less than the minimum wage) are quietly sympathetic to the cause. Off now for a sing song round the campfire before I glue my comb-over to one of the tinkers' vans! Mad I say!
Richie - Greetings from Free Dale Farm! Old Wob and my best mate Union activist Dave Salt fired up the Jag and travelled down last night to support the residents and owners of this land from the viscious ethnic cleansing programme initiated by Tory Basildon Council. And what bravery these people have shown Rich - heroes every one for standing up to the oppressive Tory state machine! In an age when troughing bankers are pocketing billions and holding our financial systems to ransom it beggars belief that millions of pounds of taxpayers money can be spent on forced evictions of the poorest people in the land - all on the petty grounds of lax planning laws. Needless to say, we're keeping an eye out for any Stasi NI reporters infiltrating the camp and many of the security personnel (immigrants mainly,I reckon,paid less than the minimum wage) are quietly sympathetic to the cause. Off now for a sing song round the campfire before I glue my comb-over to one of the tinkers' vans! Mad I say!
Friday
Welcome to Dale Farm- twinned with Darfur/September 16th 2011.
Richie - A group of itinerant travellers set up camp on our village green this week, erecting lean-tos and various unstable structures made from corrugated sheets pilfered from a nearby skip. The group regailed locals with pitiful tales of anger and abuse to such effect that the good people of this parish began collecting food in support of their cause. What's more our happy-clappy vicar Rev Pritchard, in order to demonstrate their plight (and hoping for a good photo opportunity in the Church Times), took his sleeping bag and warmest dog collar and joined them in their camp. But the Rev called me in a flap: "All is not as it seems, Bob. These down and outs own luxury cars, watches and property in well-known tax havens." Turns out they were a motley collection of bankers bleating about their yuman rights and demanding UN support as a discriminated sub-section of society. Needless to say, when the truth was out we let em feel the full force of our displeasure and dipped em in the duck pond! That's the bulldog spirit I say!
Richie - A group of itinerant travellers set up camp on our village green this week, erecting lean-tos and various unstable structures made from corrugated sheets pilfered from a nearby skip. The group regailed locals with pitiful tales of anger and abuse to such effect that the good people of this parish began collecting food in support of their cause. What's more our happy-clappy vicar Rev Pritchard, in order to demonstrate their plight (and hoping for a good photo opportunity in the Church Times), took his sleeping bag and warmest dog collar and joined them in their camp. But the Rev called me in a flap: "All is not as it seems, Bob. These down and outs own luxury cars, watches and property in well-known tax havens." Turns out they were a motley collection of bankers bleating about their yuman rights and demanding UN support as a discriminated sub-section of society. Needless to say, when the truth was out we let em feel the full force of our displeasure and dipped em in the duck pond! That's the bulldog spirit I say!
Tuesday
Crims ain't what they used to be/September 13th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was woken by high pitched screetching and girlish yelps from ladies of a certain age. Of course, it was Tuesday and Mrs Bob No 3 was entertaining her fellow am-drammers at Castle Roberts where they were about to enjoy a read-through of their proposed autumn production, a musical version of The Great Train Robbery, written by our own happy clappy Reverand Pritchard. I attempted to hot-foot it to the snug but instead was subjected to the flirtatious attentions of said ladies before being ordered to provide tea and crumpets all round. The Rev explained that the musical would be a christian interpretation of the events of 1963 focusing on his belief that old time crims lived by a code of honour that is sadly lacking today. Indeed, the final number "They Wuz Good Honest Lads, M'Lud & Only Coshed A Train Driver To Death" should be sung in every school in the land, he said, to inject vim and much-needed moral vigour into our lazy feral yoof!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was woken by high pitched screetching and girlish yelps from ladies of a certain age. Of course, it was Tuesday and Mrs Bob No 3 was entertaining her fellow am-drammers at Castle Roberts where they were about to enjoy a read-through of their proposed autumn production, a musical version of The Great Train Robbery, written by our own happy clappy Reverand Pritchard. I attempted to hot-foot it to the snug but instead was subjected to the flirtatious attentions of said ladies before being ordered to provide tea and crumpets all round. The Rev explained that the musical would be a christian interpretation of the events of 1963 focusing on his belief that old time crims lived by a code of honour that is sadly lacking today. Indeed, the final number "They Wuz Good Honest Lads, M'Lud & Only Coshed A Train Driver To Death" should be sung in every school in the land, he said, to inject vim and much-needed moral vigour into our lazy feral yoof!
Friday
How do you plead? Deal or no deal?/September 9th 2011.
Richie - This week I took Mrs Bob on an awayday to Buck Palace after she'd nagged to see the royal wedding dress. I must say the old pocket book was hit hard, what with the entrance fee and a glossy souvenir. But Old Wob gamely tried to look interested as gaggles of Americans, Japs and blue rinses from the shires Ooohed and Aaahed at a bit of expensive white material, counting each stitch of lace as though it had been knitted by The Virgin herself. I was hoping Pippa's undercrackers would be on show too but no such luck and after two hours of weary palace-wandering I convinced Mrs Bob we should retire for a spot of lunch at a high end eatery. Would you Adam and Eve it, Rich, sitting at the next table was a top ranking Tory politico, gorging himself on lobster, oysters and other expensive treats. "There's good honest folk in Worcester who have less to spend in a month than the cost of your meal" I said to which he gave me the finger and growled: "Naff off you Labour oik!" Disgraceful, I say!
Richie - This week I took Mrs Bob on an awayday to Buck Palace after she'd nagged to see the royal wedding dress. I must say the old pocket book was hit hard, what with the entrance fee and a glossy souvenir. But Old Wob gamely tried to look interested as gaggles of Americans, Japs and blue rinses from the shires Ooohed and Aaahed at a bit of expensive white material, counting each stitch of lace as though it had been knitted by The Virgin herself. I was hoping Pippa's undercrackers would be on show too but no such luck and after two hours of weary palace-wandering I convinced Mrs Bob we should retire for a spot of lunch at a high end eatery. Would you Adam and Eve it, Rich, sitting at the next table was a top ranking Tory politico, gorging himself on lobster, oysters and other expensive treats. "There's good honest folk in Worcester who have less to spend in a month than the cost of your meal" I said to which he gave me the finger and growled: "Naff off you Labour oik!" Disgraceful, I say!
Monday
Cabbage EVERY day? Get me the Wicked Witch now!/September 6th 2011.
Richie - Saturday I donned my best cherry red Dr Marten boots, turned-up jeans, bracers, and Ben Sherman shirt and infiltrated the EDL march in London. Along with three Ingurlish patriots named Todger, Bodger and Dozy Dave from Barking I enjoyed a pre-march skinful of ale, each of us downing eight pints before smashing our glasses on Dozy Dave's thick head. After joining all the other fun-loving EDL marchers at Waterloo Station we sang our favourite racist songs, pulled nasty faces and gave the finger to a group of little Asian kids standing outside a sari shop. Unfortunately though, Rich, my new mates had their big day out cut short. Todger threw up in Smiths and was dragged yelping into a black mariah; Bodger was subjected to rendition after making threatening gestures towards the Israeli embassy; and Dozy Dave ended up in clink after knocking off a copper's helmet as he goose-stepped down the Mall performing the Nazi salute. Long live the peace-loving Ingurlish Defence League I say!
Richie - Saturday I donned my best cherry red Dr Marten boots, turned-up jeans, bracers, and Ben Sherman shirt and infiltrated the EDL march in London. Along with three Ingurlish patriots named Todger, Bodger and Dozy Dave from Barking I enjoyed a pre-march skinful of ale, each of us downing eight pints before smashing our glasses on Dozy Dave's thick head. After joining all the other fun-loving EDL marchers at Waterloo Station we sang our favourite racist songs, pulled nasty faces and gave the finger to a group of little Asian kids standing outside a sari shop. Unfortunately though, Rich, my new mates had their big day out cut short. Todger threw up in Smiths and was dragged yelping into a black mariah; Bodger was subjected to rendition after making threatening gestures towards the Israeli embassy; and Dozy Dave ended up in clink after knocking off a copper's helmet as he goose-stepped down the Mall performing the Nazi salute. Long live the peace-loving Ingurlish Defence League I say!
Thursday
Please Sir - is that you in Seven Brides For Seven Dwarves?/September 2nd 2011.
Richie - Benedict Garrett isn't the only one bringing his chosen profession into disrepute! A couple of nights ago I was enjoying a snifter in my comfy chair when I recieved a breathless call from Marcia Braithwaite. "Bob" she gasped. "Somebody has broken into my house!" Well, I immediately put on my safety goggles and rolled up my copy of the DM and went round pronto. Sure enough a t-leaf was at work in an upstairs room. I managed to surprise the critter and felled him with a swift blow only to discover that it was none other than our local bank manager! Seems the dishonest leech likes nothing better than to dress up in kinky burglar gear and fleece hard working folk of their savings and pensions. But that's not all! We're now on the look-out for a Tory Turnip who twice a week masquerades as a satirical columinst! He should be easily found, though, because he fills his rants with dodgy research and cut n paste parodies of long forgotten telly shows! Mad in ShamCam's rip-off UK say!
Richie - Benedict Garrett isn't the only one bringing his chosen profession into disrepute! A couple of nights ago I was enjoying a snifter in my comfy chair when I recieved a breathless call from Marcia Braithwaite. "Bob" she gasped. "Somebody has broken into my house!" Well, I immediately put on my safety goggles and rolled up my copy of the DM and went round pronto. Sure enough a t-leaf was at work in an upstairs room. I managed to surprise the critter and felled him with a swift blow only to discover that it was none other than our local bank manager! Seems the dishonest leech likes nothing better than to dress up in kinky burglar gear and fleece hard working folk of their savings and pensions. But that's not all! We're now on the look-out for a Tory Turnip who twice a week masquerades as a satirical columinst! He should be easily found, though, because he fills his rants with dodgy research and cut n paste parodies of long forgotten telly shows! Mad in ShamCam's rip-off UK say!
Monday
The Daleks are doing what, darling ?/August 29th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have yet another hissy fit against Auntie Beeb! My word - chaps kissing! Female detectives! Question Time audience members disagreeing with Tory policy! Whatever next! It's Left-Wing lunacy gorn stark raving mad I say! Like you, Rich, I yearn for that golden age when Jack Regan gave toddlers a good cuffing, when good honest entertainers blacked-up for The Good Old days, when Alf Garnett railed against darkies...those were the characters we all grew up with and loved, eh Rich ? How it pains me to watch all this liberal nonsense with its right-on attitude and namby-pamby presenters! I think the Beeb would do well to follow the lead of Sky with its non-stop diet of gay Glee luvvies, in-depth documentaries about Ladyboys, and endless repeats of the Simpsons! And if only the biased BBC news was as impartial as Fox the world would be put to rights in a jiffy, eh Rich ? Private broadcasting at its best, I reckon! And at only three times the price! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have yet another hissy fit against Auntie Beeb! My word - chaps kissing! Female detectives! Question Time audience members disagreeing with Tory policy! Whatever next! It's Left-Wing lunacy gorn stark raving mad I say! Like you, Rich, I yearn for that golden age when Jack Regan gave toddlers a good cuffing, when good honest entertainers blacked-up for The Good Old days, when Alf Garnett railed against darkies...those were the characters we all grew up with and loved, eh Rich ? How it pains me to watch all this liberal nonsense with its right-on attitude and namby-pamby presenters! I think the Beeb would do well to follow the lead of Sky with its non-stop diet of gay Glee luvvies, in-depth documentaries about Ladyboys, and endless repeats of the Simpsons! And if only the biased BBC news was as impartial as Fox the world would be put to rights in a jiffy, eh Rich ? Private broadcasting at its best, I reckon! And at only three times the price! (Hic!)
Friday
Hello, Jacqui, there's a Romanian family in my wine cellar/August 26th 2011.
Richie - There was an unseemly altercation in our snug this lunchtime. A group of university lefty-student types were sat reading the dailies. (We could tell they were lefties because hidden beneath their DM was a copy of The Guardian - nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more!). All was well until they started perusing your hallowed column and making derogatory remarks! 'I see Littlejohn is havin' a pop at Jacqui Smith and Labour again' one, wearing a Tame Impala T-shirt, smirked. 'Yeah' said his mate. 'He writes the same crap every week. Ignore him. He's just a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore.' Well, Richie, it was at this point that I sprang to your defence. I slammed down my snifter and went over to the little upstarts. 'How dare you accuse Britain's bestest columnist of being a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore' I roared, pointing at the hapless lefties. 'Why, Lord Richie is a bigoted, right-wing, BNP bore! Get your facts right next time, lefty punks!' Puh, the uneducated yoof of today, eh Rich!
Richie - There was an unseemly altercation in our snug this lunchtime. A group of university lefty-student types were sat reading the dailies. (We could tell they were lefties because hidden beneath their DM was a copy of The Guardian - nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more!). All was well until they started perusing your hallowed column and making derogatory remarks! 'I see Littlejohn is havin' a pop at Jacqui Smith and Labour again' one, wearing a Tame Impala T-shirt, smirked. 'Yeah' said his mate. 'He writes the same crap every week. Ignore him. He's just a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore.' Well, Richie, it was at this point that I sprang to your defence. I slammed down my snifter and went over to the little upstarts. 'How dare you accuse Britain's bestest columnist of being a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore' I roared, pointing at the hapless lefties. 'Why, Lord Richie is a bigoted, right-wing, BNP bore! Get your facts right next time, lefty punks!' Puh, the uneducated yoof of today, eh Rich!
Tuesday
This time next year, Reinaldo, we'll be billionaires/August 23rd 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit over Lord Mandy's swanky new £8m London pad. This self-styled Prince of Darkness is a very, very naughty boy I say! Why, former Tory cabinet ministers would never use ministerial contacts to feather their nests! They would never rake in a lucrative wedge on the blabbering circuit! Most are quite happy to leg it down the job centre after their term in office and claim income support for the rest of their natural! After 13 years of the vile Socialists thank goodness we have honest politicos like Gideon Osborne to rule over us. You'd never catch this humble multi-millionaire on a Russian oligarch's yacht! And our esteemed PM, unelected though he may be, is leading the way in moral fortitude by washing his hands of former best mate Coulsen in order to protect his own well-tanned hide. Once again Lord Wichie, Britain's bestest columnist by far, sniffs deep into the cess-pit of public life and discovers, er, not very much at all I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit over Lord Mandy's swanky new £8m London pad. This self-styled Prince of Darkness is a very, very naughty boy I say! Why, former Tory cabinet ministers would never use ministerial contacts to feather their nests! They would never rake in a lucrative wedge on the blabbering circuit! Most are quite happy to leg it down the job centre after their term in office and claim income support for the rest of their natural! After 13 years of the vile Socialists thank goodness we have honest politicos like Gideon Osborne to rule over us. You'd never catch this humble multi-millionaire on a Russian oligarch's yacht! And our esteemed PM, unelected though he may be, is leading the way in moral fortitude by washing his hands of former best mate Coulsen in order to protect his own well-tanned hide. Once again Lord Wichie, Britain's bestest columnist by far, sniffs deep into the cess-pit of public life and discovers, er, not very much at all I say! (Hic!)
Friday
Talk about adding insult to injury/August 19th 2011.
Richie - After a dismal fortnight underground avoiding the feral yoof of Ingurland's riots you'll be glad to know that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally re-emerged into the Worcester daylight. But not for long! Once we've stocked up our underground larder we'll be returning to the nuclear bunker at the bottom of our garden in anticipation of Gideon Osbourne's double-dip recession, scheduled for the winter. Needless to say, while I was above ground I called into the snug for a snifter or three and there was much talk about appropriate sentences. Arthur Groat is convinced that nothing less than ten years hard labour befits such odious crimes while Dr Singh reckons deportation to the wastes of Siberia would teach these leeches a lesson. But I disagree. Like Prince Charlie I reckon the poor bankers and politicians who caused this mess were victims of a macho gang culture. They need love, understanding, and a day trip to Alton Towers to help rehabilitate them back into society I say!
Richie - After a dismal fortnight underground avoiding the feral yoof of Ingurland's riots you'll be glad to know that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally re-emerged into the Worcester daylight. But not for long! Once we've stocked up our underground larder we'll be returning to the nuclear bunker at the bottom of our garden in anticipation of Gideon Osbourne's double-dip recession, scheduled for the winter. Needless to say, while I was above ground I called into the snug for a snifter or three and there was much talk about appropriate sentences. Arthur Groat is convinced that nothing less than ten years hard labour befits such odious crimes while Dr Singh reckons deportation to the wastes of Siberia would teach these leeches a lesson. But I disagree. Like Prince Charlie I reckon the poor bankers and politicians who caused this mess were victims of a macho gang culture. They need love, understanding, and a day trip to Alton Towers to help rehabilitate them back into society I say!
Monday
If Dave wants Wyatt Earp as Met chief, it's his call/August 16th 2011.
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour and Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly support our illustrious PM's vow to clean up Bwitain's Bwoken Society. As the stech of cordite in our cities begins to fade, his initiative to punish the parents of wrong-doers is like a breath of sweet scented spring air! So, we say the sooner the feckless mums and dads of Britain's troughing bankers are hauled out of their taxpayer-funded retirement homes on the Riviera the better! These oldies should be severely punished for rearing the obnoxious feral suits who have decimated our financial systems. As for the bankers themselves, well, perhaps a few lashings of the birch might put them back on the straight and narrow, eh Rich ? And once the PM has finished there perhaps he could move on to the parents of politicians who have bled the taxpayer dry. He might well start with Gideon Osborne's ma and pa - I hear the Chancellor allegedly made a hefty wedge or two flip-flopping his gaff! Ten years boot camp we say!
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour and Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly support our illustrious PM's vow to clean up Bwitain's Bwoken Society. As the stech of cordite in our cities begins to fade, his initiative to punish the parents of wrong-doers is like a breath of sweet scented spring air! So, we say the sooner the feckless mums and dads of Britain's troughing bankers are hauled out of their taxpayer-funded retirement homes on the Riviera the better! These oldies should be severely punished for rearing the obnoxious feral suits who have decimated our financial systems. As for the bankers themselves, well, perhaps a few lashings of the birch might put them back on the straight and narrow, eh Rich ? And once the PM has finished there perhaps he could move on to the parents of politicians who have bled the taxpayer dry. He might well start with Gideon Osborne's ma and pa - I hear the Chancellor allegedly made a hefty wedge or two flip-flopping his gaff! Ten years boot camp we say!
Thursday
The politics of envy was bound to end up in flames/August 11th 2011.
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour & Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly agree with your expert analysis regarding the riots. As you say the problems that led to this outrageous outburst of violence can be traced back 30 years to the odious Thatcher regime. In 1981 her lunatic Tory govt was busy preparing to decimate hard working communities and flog off our public utilities to foreign owners at a knock-down price - all part of a grand plan to decimate Britain's manufacturing base and introduce a low-wage slave economy centred on service industries. In the years to come we would see the introduction of casino capitalism, which has directly led to the current banking crisis, and a fawning alliance with Murdoch's dumbed-down propaganda machine News Int. Any notion of "society" was rejected in favour of a selfish me-me-me worship of material goods. Yes, an excellent analysis, Richie my old mukka. Have you ever considered a new career as a Marxist Professor of Modern Politics ?
Richie - We here at the Cum-to-Piddle Labour & Pigeon-fanciers Club wholeheartedly agree with your expert analysis regarding the riots. As you say the problems that led to this outrageous outburst of violence can be traced back 30 years to the odious Thatcher regime. In 1981 her lunatic Tory govt was busy preparing to decimate hard working communities and flog off our public utilities to foreign owners at a knock-down price - all part of a grand plan to decimate Britain's manufacturing base and introduce a low-wage slave economy centred on service industries. In the years to come we would see the introduction of casino capitalism, which has directly led to the current banking crisis, and a fawning alliance with Murdoch's dumbed-down propaganda machine News Int. Any notion of "society" was rejected in favour of a selfish me-me-me worship of material goods. Yes, an excellent analysis, Richie my old mukka. Have you ever considered a new career as a Marxist Professor of Modern Politics ?
Tuesday
Red sky at night, Tottenham's alight - as looters liberate everything from trainers to flat-screen TVs/August 8th 2011.
Richie - With world markets in turmoil, Britains cities ablaze, NI hacking phones on an industrial scale and a double dip recession to look forward to at Xmas it was with great relief that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 received news that our illustrious PM has finally returned from his 10k a week summer hols to take control of the situation. Needless to say, here in the Worcs. village of Come-to-Piddle residents have set in motion an action plan to protect life and property from the feral hoards of raging looters. The local snug, identified as a natural refuge, has been boarded up and well stocked should civilisation and the rule of law collapse. Meanwhile, at Castle Roberts, the nuclear bunker in our garden, last used during the Thatcher era, has been swept and made ready. The only slight difficulty, Rich, is the large volume of luxury cars clogging up our quaint roads but I have it on good authority these are just bankers making a dash for the ports before rough justice catches up with them. Mad I say!
Richie - With world markets in turmoil, Britains cities ablaze, NI hacking phones on an industrial scale and a double dip recession to look forward to at Xmas it was with great relief that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 received news that our illustrious PM has finally returned from his 10k a week summer hols to take control of the situation. Needless to say, here in the Worcs. village of Come-to-Piddle residents have set in motion an action plan to protect life and property from the feral hoards of raging looters. The local snug, identified as a natural refuge, has been boarded up and well stocked should civilisation and the rule of law collapse. Meanwhile, at Castle Roberts, the nuclear bunker in our garden, last used during the Thatcher era, has been swept and made ready. The only slight difficulty, Rich, is the large volume of luxury cars clogging up our quaint roads but I have it on good authority these are just bankers making a dash for the ports before rough justice catches up with them. Mad I say!
Vote online? Be careful what you click for.../August 5th 2011.
Richie - We attended a very moving rememberence service in the village church this week in solidarity with our Norwegian cousins who, as you might have heard, were recently the victims of an outrageous act of terrorist violence. The service was the idea of our happy-clappy vicar Reverend Pritchard who retains close ties to the Nordic countries through his partner, Torben, a Danish body-builder and army sergeant. After the service a spread was laid on with tea, coffee and Scandinavian fancies and conversation turned to the extreme right-wing ideology that drove Breivik to commit his vile crime. "How lucky you are" said Torben, visibly moved, "that here in the UK there are no irresponsible journalists writing badly researched, 1-sided articles in the national press causing tension and fuelling the hatred of deluded people like Breivik." Later, in the snug, Arfur Groat, octogenarian spoon playing virtuoso of these parts, gave a rousing rendition of the Norwegian and British national anthems. Amen to that, eh Rich ?
Richie - We attended a very moving rememberence service in the village church this week in solidarity with our Norwegian cousins who, as you might have heard, were recently the victims of an outrageous act of terrorist violence. The service was the idea of our happy-clappy vicar Reverend Pritchard who retains close ties to the Nordic countries through his partner, Torben, a Danish body-builder and army sergeant. After the service a spread was laid on with tea, coffee and Scandinavian fancies and conversation turned to the extreme right-wing ideology that drove Breivik to commit his vile crime. "How lucky you are" said Torben, visibly moved, "that here in the UK there are no irresponsible journalists writing badly researched, 1-sided articles in the national press causing tension and fuelling the hatred of deluded people like Breivik." Later, in the snug, Arfur Groat, octogenarian spoon playing virtuoso of these parts, gave a rousing rendition of the Norwegian and British national anthems. Amen to that, eh Rich ?
Kelly Brook and the jihad seekers' allowance/August 2nd 2011.
Richie - We've just returned from a two week caravan holiday in Bridlington, courtesy of a super soaraway Sun holiday voucher! And what a fun first week we had! Long snoozes on the pier, chip butties and tea on the sands, evening snifters in the pavilions, Mrs Bob spending my hard-earned like it was going out of fashion...But sadly things went downhill during week 2. A party of Scandinavians peeled off one fine day and incurred the wrath of local puritans who marched to the beach pronto with their little black books singing hymns about the terrors of the flesh! Needless to say, I put up a stern defence for allowing these Nordic beauties to display their ample assets to which the church-goers labelled me a perv and said my soul would burn for eternity in the hot-place! It all ended very unpleasantly, Rich, with fisticuffs at dawn and Wob placed in the cells for an afternoon. It's about time all these religious fruitcakes were cast off on a boat with a 1-way ticket to the promised land I say!
Richie - We've just returned from a two week caravan holiday in Bridlington, courtesy of a super soaraway Sun holiday voucher! And what a fun first week we had! Long snoozes on the pier, chip butties and tea on the sands, evening snifters in the pavilions, Mrs Bob spending my hard-earned like it was going out of fashion...But sadly things went downhill during week 2. A party of Scandinavians peeled off one fine day and incurred the wrath of local puritans who marched to the beach pronto with their little black books singing hymns about the terrors of the flesh! Needless to say, I put up a stern defence for allowing these Nordic beauties to display their ample assets to which the church-goers labelled me a perv and said my soul would burn for eternity in the hot-place! It all ended very unpleasantly, Rich, with fisticuffs at dawn and Wob placed in the cells for an afternoon. It's about time all these religious fruitcakes were cast off on a boat with a 1-way ticket to the promised land I say!
Friday
Hacking? They can all go to hell in a handcart!/July 15th 2011.
Richie - It's the time of the year when Mrs Bob and I prepare for our summer hols. Needless to say, old Wob's battered suitcase gets filled up pronto - a couple of hawaiian shirts, a couple of pairs of shorts, a hat to protect my comb-over - whereas Mrs Bob prevaricates for weeks before filling her seven cases with high end fashion after much use of old Wob's credit card. This year's holiday destination is a closely guarded secret, though, and as the big day approaches Mrs Bob's excitement grows. "Do we go on Africa swafari, Wob ? Or sunny Flowida ? Or is it womantic twip to exotic place on tiny island you take me ?" Well, I haven't let on Rich, but just imagine the joy in the Roberts household when she learns we'll be going on a two week caravan trip to Bridlington all courtesy of a super-soaraway Sun holiday voucher! Fish n chip suppers, warm ale and brass bands in the beer garden, a hearty morning stroll along the bitter North Sea-lashed pier - makes you proud to be British I say!
Richie - It's the time of the year when Mrs Bob and I prepare for our summer hols. Needless to say, old Wob's battered suitcase gets filled up pronto - a couple of hawaiian shirts, a couple of pairs of shorts, a hat to protect my comb-over - whereas Mrs Bob prevaricates for weeks before filling her seven cases with high end fashion after much use of old Wob's credit card. This year's holiday destination is a closely guarded secret, though, and as the big day approaches Mrs Bob's excitement grows. "Do we go on Africa swafari, Wob ? Or sunny Flowida ? Or is it womantic twip to exotic place on tiny island you take me ?" Well, I haven't let on Rich, but just imagine the joy in the Roberts household when she learns we'll be going on a two week caravan trip to Bridlington all courtesy of a super-soaraway Sun holiday voucher! Fish n chip suppers, warm ale and brass bands in the beer garden, a hearty morning stroll along the bitter North Sea-lashed pier - makes you proud to be British I say!
Tuesday
If Max Clifford deserves £1m, what price the Dowler family?/July 12th 2011.
Richie - My good friend trades union activist Dave Salt joined us in the snug Saturday night to celebrate the imminent demise of the vile and corrupt Murdoch media empire. Old Dave is a veteran of Wapping and Orgrive and, like most on the sensible Left, has been warning about the insidious influence of News International since the early 80s. "Thatcher's Tories bent over backwards to crush the print unions and allow Murdoch a free reign" he said cradling his pint of mild. "Who would have thought that Britain would be subjected to Stasiesque spying on an industrial scale and the PM would be Murdoch's official sock-puppet!" There was much mirth regarding Flashman Cameron and his inept performance during the crisis, unlike Red Ed who's showing much-needed backbone. "You can guarantee that Milliband will be targeted by NI's friends in the media, Bob. They'll be calling him a cross-dressing macaque monkey before the end of the week!" Now that's spooky, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Richie ?
Richie - My good friend trades union activist Dave Salt joined us in the snug Saturday night to celebrate the imminent demise of the vile and corrupt Murdoch media empire. Old Dave is a veteran of Wapping and Orgrive and, like most on the sensible Left, has been warning about the insidious influence of News International since the early 80s. "Thatcher's Tories bent over backwards to crush the print unions and allow Murdoch a free reign" he said cradling his pint of mild. "Who would have thought that Britain would be subjected to Stasiesque spying on an industrial scale and the PM would be Murdoch's official sock-puppet!" There was much mirth regarding Flashman Cameron and his inept performance during the crisis, unlike Red Ed who's showing much-needed backbone. "You can guarantee that Milliband will be targeted by NI's friends in the media, Bob. They'll be calling him a cross-dressing macaque monkey before the end of the week!" Now that's spooky, eh Rich ? Rich ? You there Richie ?
Callous judges have sentenced Elaine to life without dignity/July 8th 2011.
Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning and, after a quick swill and hurried brush of the comb-over, I was first in the queue at the newsagent so as to catch up with this country's bestest columnist's thoughts about the shocking revelations of this week. And I must say, Lord Richie, I wasn't disappointed! Who would have thought that Red Ed Milliband is a dead-ringer for a macaque monkey! It simply beggars belief! Needless to say all law-abiding folk hope there will be a thorough police investigation into this sordid affair and that prominent Lefty heads will roll. In fact Richie I hear the PM himself is about to give a special press conference about this most important issue. Thank goodness we have cutting edge journos like yourself to keep us up to speed! How different from the vile Marxist Pol-Pottist lentil-knitting public-sector-loving Guardian with its daily tittle-tattle about the so-called "cuts" and outrageous attacks on our beloved private sector! Richie4PM I say!
Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning and, after a quick swill and hurried brush of the comb-over, I was first in the queue at the newsagent so as to catch up with this country's bestest columnist's thoughts about the shocking revelations of this week. And I must say, Lord Richie, I wasn't disappointed! Who would have thought that Red Ed Milliband is a dead-ringer for a macaque monkey! It simply beggars belief! Needless to say all law-abiding folk hope there will be a thorough police investigation into this sordid affair and that prominent Lefty heads will roll. In fact Richie I hear the PM himself is about to give a special press conference about this most important issue. Thank goodness we have cutting edge journos like yourself to keep us up to speed! How different from the vile Marxist Pol-Pottist lentil-knitting public-sector-loving Guardian with its daily tittle-tattle about the so-called "cuts" and outrageous attacks on our beloved private sector! Richie4PM I say!
Happy families? No, another miscarriage of justice/July 4th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, said the words that send a shiver down every honest fellow's spine. "Wob" she said. "I want likkle baby and I want likkle baby NOW!" Well, for the past few months old Wob has huffed and puffed without result and concluded that something must be wrong with Mrs Bob's internal fertility organs. But Mrs Bob didn't agree with my inexpert analysis and made an appointment with Dr Singh for a second opinion. Lo and behold, Rich, it transpires that old Wob's spermatozoa is of a particular type -Type Zzzzz. "Your sperm is so lazy that they simply turn over and go to sleep whenever I peer down my microscope into the petri-dish!" said our good doctor and signed me up to a healthy eating and exercise regime to rectify the problem. Meanwhile, after reading today's esteemed column, energetic Mrs Bob has booked a flight to Nigeria to buy fertility pills while I'm looking more gaunt, pale and anxious by the day! Mad I say!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, said the words that send a shiver down every honest fellow's spine. "Wob" she said. "I want likkle baby and I want likkle baby NOW!" Well, for the past few months old Wob has huffed and puffed without result and concluded that something must be wrong with Mrs Bob's internal fertility organs. But Mrs Bob didn't agree with my inexpert analysis and made an appointment with Dr Singh for a second opinion. Lo and behold, Rich, it transpires that old Wob's spermatozoa is of a particular type -Type Zzzzz. "Your sperm is so lazy that they simply turn over and go to sleep whenever I peer down my microscope into the petri-dish!" said our good doctor and signed me up to a healthy eating and exercise regime to rectify the problem. Meanwhile, after reading today's esteemed column, energetic Mrs Bob has booked a flight to Nigeria to buy fertility pills while I'm looking more gaunt, pale and anxious by the day! Mad I say!
Friday
Winter of discontent? More like a summer of selfishness/July 1st 2011.
Richie - Yesterday I joined my my old mate Trades Union activist Dave Salt on the picket line in support of hard working public sector workers who are the backbone of this great country. There was much amusement beforehand as we scrawled our home-made placards. Mine read: SHAMERON TELLS GOLD-PLATED PORKIES I SAY! while saucy Marcia Braithwaite scrawled PRIVATE SECTOR WORKERS GROW SOME AND STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Old Dave, a plain-talking Yorkshireman, went for the simple FAIR PENSIONS FOR ALL and I must say his brevity cut to the real substance of the issue. We're sending billions in foreign aid but not protecting our own, be they public or private employees. But it was Ed Milliband who caught the sharp end of our flak after his disgraceful refusal to support our worthy cause. One old Brummie dear with forty years service proudly held a banner which read MILLIPEDE IS A GUTLESS W***ER which proves that we soft southerners can be as plain-spoken as our northern bretheren!
Richie - Yesterday I joined my my old mate Trades Union activist Dave Salt on the picket line in support of hard working public sector workers who are the backbone of this great country. There was much amusement beforehand as we scrawled our home-made placards. Mine read: SHAMERON TELLS GOLD-PLATED PORKIES I SAY! while saucy Marcia Braithwaite scrawled PRIVATE SECTOR WORKERS GROW SOME AND STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Old Dave, a plain-talking Yorkshireman, went for the simple FAIR PENSIONS FOR ALL and I must say his brevity cut to the real substance of the issue. We're sending billions in foreign aid but not protecting our own, be they public or private employees. But it was Ed Milliband who caught the sharp end of our flak after his disgraceful refusal to support our worthy cause. One old Brummie dear with forty years service proudly held a banner which read MILLIPEDE IS A GUTLESS W***ER which proves that we soft southerners can be as plain-spoken as our northern bretheren!
It's Rumpy Pumpy's Flying Circus!/June 28th 2011.
Richie - I'm just back from a weekend at the vile Marxist love-fest Glasto where myself and Mrs Bob slummed it in a tent along with 200k others. Mrs Bob spent most of the weekend in the love field threading flowers into her hair and dancing half naked round pagan maypoles while old Wob managed to elbow his way to the front of the crowd on Sunday night to shake his tail feather at the wonderful Beyonce! Rather surprisingly, Rich, we met quite a few of your fans as we paddled in the mud. One chap said he agreed with your damning indictments of baby-eating union leaders like Bob Crow. "Littlejohn is bang on the money mate" he said. "Kick out all the criminal scrum and reclaim England for the Ingurlish. I reckon Littlejohn should run for President or summat. He'd sort everythin out!" It was at this point that a rather attractive member of the CSI squad arrested him for selling hallucinogenic cup-cakes and frog-marched him to the healing field to undergo tantric therapy for his crimes!
Richie - I'm just back from a weekend at the vile Marxist love-fest Glasto where myself and Mrs Bob slummed it in a tent along with 200k others. Mrs Bob spent most of the weekend in the love field threading flowers into her hair and dancing half naked round pagan maypoles while old Wob managed to elbow his way to the front of the crowd on Sunday night to shake his tail feather at the wonderful Beyonce! Rather surprisingly, Rich, we met quite a few of your fans as we paddled in the mud. One chap said he agreed with your damning indictments of baby-eating union leaders like Bob Crow. "Littlejohn is bang on the money mate" he said. "Kick out all the criminal scrum and reclaim England for the Ingurlish. I reckon Littlejohn should run for President or summat. He'd sort everythin out!" It was at this point that a rather attractive member of the CSI squad arrested him for selling hallucinogenic cup-cakes and frog-marched him to the healing field to undergo tantric therapy for his crimes!
Watch out! It's Call Me Tony Martin/June 24th 2011.
Richie - This past week has seen an unsavoury incident in our village which has led to shock, swooning and open-mouthed dribbling throughout our placid community. A well-heeled middle aged couple who live in a desirable mock-Georgian house on the village outskirts had tragedy of the highest order visited upon them after the wife was discovered in the hallway by her hubby with her bonce shot off! After a thorough police investigation, it transpired that it was HE, no less, who was the culprit having mistaken his rather ample missus for a cat burglar! Of course, the local plod put a comforting arm around the poor chap and told him it was a mistake that any upstanding citizen could make whereupon the wife's remains were swept up and taken away pronto. Thankfully, after a day's mourning, he's now recovered sufficiently to start a new relationship with a 21 year old stunna from Essex, who's also been working as his personal PA these past few months! A happy end! Snifters all round I say!
Richie - This past week has seen an unsavoury incident in our village which has led to shock, swooning and open-mouthed dribbling throughout our placid community. A well-heeled middle aged couple who live in a desirable mock-Georgian house on the village outskirts had tragedy of the highest order visited upon them after the wife was discovered in the hallway by her hubby with her bonce shot off! After a thorough police investigation, it transpired that it was HE, no less, who was the culprit having mistaken his rather ample missus for a cat burglar! Of course, the local plod put a comforting arm around the poor chap and told him it was a mistake that any upstanding citizen could make whereupon the wife's remains were swept up and taken away pronto. Thankfully, after a day's mourning, he's now recovered sufficiently to start a new relationship with a 21 year old stunna from Essex, who's also been working as his personal PA these past few months! A happy end! Snifters all round I say!
Monday
Proof Bob Crow is a railway sleeper/June 21st 2011.
Richie - It's been Brian Haw week in our snug in recognition of this brave and couragous man's decade long protest opposite the Parliamentary grub house. What a thorn in the establishment Brian was! - a beacon of compassion and anger in these tired and cynical times! Of course, Old Wob didn't agree with all of Brian's sentiments (How can you accuse our illustrious former PM Blair of war crimes when it was Al Quaeda and the insurgents blowing the locals to smithereens!) However, Brian infuriated the arrogant politicos every time they emerged from their soiled Westminster den and for that we should give thanks. One other note: old Arthur Groat of this parish went so far as to decorate his cloth cap with all manner of brightly coloured socially-aware badges in imitation of the great man. It wasn't until closing time and the strained look on Arthur's face that we realised the old codger had pinned his cap to his skull and he was sent to A&E pronto! RIP Clarence Clemons and Brian Haws I say!
Richie - It's been Brian Haw week in our snug in recognition of this brave and couragous man's decade long protest opposite the Parliamentary grub house. What a thorn in the establishment Brian was! - a beacon of compassion and anger in these tired and cynical times! Of course, Old Wob didn't agree with all of Brian's sentiments (How can you accuse our illustrious former PM Blair of war crimes when it was Al Quaeda and the insurgents blowing the locals to smithereens!) However, Brian infuriated the arrogant politicos every time they emerged from their soiled Westminster den and for that we should give thanks. One other note: old Arthur Groat of this parish went so far as to decorate his cloth cap with all manner of brightly coloured socially-aware badges in imitation of the great man. It wasn't until closing time and the strained look on Arthur's face that we realised the old codger had pinned his cap to his skull and he was sent to A&E pronto! RIP Clarence Clemons and Brian Haws I say!
Saturday
The Ice Age is coming... don't panic!/June 17th 2011.
Richie - Your genius, sir, knows no bounds! Global Cooling indeed! - a quite brilliant idea worthy of the great Tolstoy imself! But do you know, Rich, the trouble your top-notch satire has caused ? Well, let me elaborate. I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by the hurried pitter-patter of my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3. The poor soul was rushing from room to room in order to hoard blankets, hot water bottles, vapour rub and all manner of wintery condiments. When I asked her why she replied: "Because Littlewon he warn us of giant winter fweeze, Wob!" Of course, after reading your esteemed column I assured her that Global Cooling was nothing but a fictitious conceit that had emerged Venus-like from Lord Richie's esteemed satirical mind. Well, Mrs Wob was mightily upset that the world was not in imminent danger of becoming a freezer box. Indeed, she let off a tremendous amount of much-needed hot air with many Thai obscenities directed towards your good self! Mad I say!
Richie - Your genius, sir, knows no bounds! Global Cooling indeed! - a quite brilliant idea worthy of the great Tolstoy imself! But do you know, Rich, the trouble your top-notch satire has caused ? Well, let me elaborate. I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by the hurried pitter-patter of my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3. The poor soul was rushing from room to room in order to hoard blankets, hot water bottles, vapour rub and all manner of wintery condiments. When I asked her why she replied: "Because Littlewon he warn us of giant winter fweeze, Wob!" Of course, after reading your esteemed column I assured her that Global Cooling was nothing but a fictitious conceit that had emerged Venus-like from Lord Richie's esteemed satirical mind. Well, Mrs Wob was mightily upset that the world was not in imminent danger of becoming a freezer box. Indeed, she let off a tremendous amount of much-needed hot air with many Thai obscenities directed towards your good self! Mad I say!
Tuesday
With Labour, there ain't no Sanity Clause/June 14th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 "Wob" she said. "Littlewon use big word today I no understand!" I yawned and perused your esteemed column with my index finger until Mrs Bob yelled "Stop!" at the word tricoteuse. Well, I delved back into my schoolboy French and vaguely recalled that the literal translation is knitter. But, having read the context in which the word had been used, I became certain there was a more sinister meaning. I discovered that it was also used as a name for women who frequented public executions during the French Revolution. "Ah" said Mrs Bob. "So Yvette Cooper she like to see executions!" Er, not quite, I said. "The UK is a civilised country. There are no public executions here." All very confusing. Then I remembered - Yvette Cooper is a LABOUR politician and therefore fair game for any derogatory insult, unlike the Tories who you continually cluck and fawn over like an old mother poule. At last - mystery solved! Snifters all round I say!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 "Wob" she said. "Littlewon use big word today I no understand!" I yawned and perused your esteemed column with my index finger until Mrs Bob yelled "Stop!" at the word tricoteuse. Well, I delved back into my schoolboy French and vaguely recalled that the literal translation is knitter. But, having read the context in which the word had been used, I became certain there was a more sinister meaning. I discovered that it was also used as a name for women who frequented public executions during the French Revolution. "Ah" said Mrs Bob. "So Yvette Cooper she like to see executions!" Er, not quite, I said. "The UK is a civilised country. There are no public executions here." All very confusing. Then I remembered - Yvette Cooper is a LABOUR politician and therefore fair game for any derogatory insult, unlike the Tories who you continually cluck and fawn over like an old mother poule. At last - mystery solved! Snifters all round I say!
Friday
The answer, my friend, ain't blowing' in the wind/June 10th 2011.
Richie - On my morning constitutional I noticed our happy-clappy vicar Rev Pritchard near the newsagents praising the fairies and offering communion to all and sundry. "Hallelujah to our good old Bish, eh Bob ?" he squealed and pointed out to me Arch Druid Williams' pronouncements in The Guardian regarding our vile, unelected Coagulation govt. Later, in the snug, the good Rev fell into animated conversation with a local Tory Turnip and High Church brimstone and treacle type who'd wandered in for happy hour. "The world is divided into two" thundered the Turnip "the hard-working and pious souls who will be embraced by the Lord on Judgement Day and the squalid, fetid unbelievers who will burn in Hell for all eternity!" At closing time, and well lubricated after a number of double snifters, I fell into the village duck pond and rose, covered in sludge and chip wrappings, just as the warring parties left the pub. "I have risen, I have risen!" I said and scared both half to death! Mad I say!
Richie - On my morning constitutional I noticed our happy-clappy vicar Rev Pritchard near the newsagents praising the fairies and offering communion to all and sundry. "Hallelujah to our good old Bish, eh Bob ?" he squealed and pointed out to me Arch Druid Williams' pronouncements in The Guardian regarding our vile, unelected Coagulation govt. Later, in the snug, the good Rev fell into animated conversation with a local Tory Turnip and High Church brimstone and treacle type who'd wandered in for happy hour. "The world is divided into two" thundered the Turnip "the hard-working and pious souls who will be embraced by the Lord on Judgement Day and the squalid, fetid unbelievers who will burn in Hell for all eternity!" At closing time, and well lubricated after a number of double snifters, I fell into the village duck pond and rose, covered in sludge and chip wrappings, just as the warring parties left the pub. "I have risen, I have risen!" I said and scared both half to death! Mad I say!
Wednesday
You're corrupt and you know you are/May 31st 2011.
Richie - Who would have thought it! An unpopular snakeoil salesman at the helm; pre-election jiggery-pokery with dodgy deals done behind closed doors; embarrassing internal strife; a staggering contempt for the ordinary scotch egg supporter on the street; the absence of a viable plan a,b,c or d...But enough of ShamCam's vile unelected ConDem Coagulation govt. It's the wretched FIFA I want to talk about! Our beloved game of footy is but a wispy shadow of its former self! A corporate cess-pit of prawn sarnies and champagne! How different from back in the early 70s when young Bob and his comb-over scarpered pronto down the wing, a midfield dynamo whose boots covered every inch of the pitch and every inch of the social club bar afterwards! Flat caps, Bovril, jumpers for goalposts, a punch-up at half-time, a snifter or two hidden down my shorts for a mid-match pick-me-up...Football was in good hands until we let Johnny Foreigner join in the fun! Blatter ? What is a Blatter, I say! (Hic!)
Richie - Who would have thought it! An unpopular snakeoil salesman at the helm; pre-election jiggery-pokery with dodgy deals done behind closed doors; embarrassing internal strife; a staggering contempt for the ordinary scotch egg supporter on the street; the absence of a viable plan a,b,c or d...But enough of ShamCam's vile unelected ConDem Coagulation govt. It's the wretched FIFA I want to talk about! Our beloved game of footy is but a wispy shadow of its former self! A corporate cess-pit of prawn sarnies and champagne! How different from back in the early 70s when young Bob and his comb-over scarpered pronto down the wing, a midfield dynamo whose boots covered every inch of the pitch and every inch of the social club bar afterwards! Flat caps, Bovril, jumpers for goalposts, a punch-up at half-time, a snifter or two hidden down my shorts for a mid-match pick-me-up...Football was in good hands until we let Johnny Foreigner join in the fun! Blatter ? What is a Blatter, I say! (Hic!)
Friday
It should've been me, shouted the groom's brother/May 27th 2011.
Richie - It's been 'Obama and Michelle Week' at our local in tribute to the US President's visit to this humble isle! Stars and stripes bunting hung from the rafters and local schoolkids sang patriotic American hymns in the beer garden before the village duck pond was touchingly re-christened "Freedom Lake". We regulars donned fancy American dress and watched the proceedings in the snug! Dr Singh looked swell as John Wayne while octogenarian Arthur Groat wore a over-tight Superman outfit and had to be taken to A & E. Marcia Braithwaite came as Marge Simpson and Mrs Bob did her best sozzled Sue Ellen impersonation, although many people mistook her for fruitcake-in-chief Sarah Palin. There was much merriment when plonker Shameron tried playing table-tennis with Obama and boos rang out when dopey Ken Clarke was filmed fast asleep. But there were tears of joy as Michelle gave her inspirational speech at Oxford. In fact, Rich, was so overcome that the zip broke on my Marilyn Monroe cossie and my falsies bounced onto the floor!
Richie - It's been 'Obama and Michelle Week' at our local in tribute to the US President's visit to this humble isle! Stars and stripes bunting hung from the rafters and local schoolkids sang patriotic American hymns in the beer garden before the village duck pond was touchingly re-christened "Freedom Lake". We regulars donned fancy American dress and watched the proceedings in the snug! Dr Singh looked swell as John Wayne while octogenarian Arthur Groat wore a over-tight Superman outfit and had to be taken to A & E. Marcia Braithwaite came as Marge Simpson and Mrs Bob did her best sozzled Sue Ellen impersonation, although many people mistook her for fruitcake-in-chief Sarah Palin. There was much merriment when plonker Shameron tried playing table-tennis with Obama and boos rang out when dopey Ken Clarke was filmed fast asleep. But there were tears of joy as Michelle gave her inspirational speech at Oxford. In fact, Rich, was so overcome that the zip broke on my Marilyn Monroe cossie and my falsies bounced onto the floor!
Wednesday
So, XXXX XXXXX, does your missus know you're here?/May 24th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, entered the lounge with a face like gathering thunder. "Wob Boberts!" she squealed. "Have you no remember the day today ?" Well, Rich, it took a while but I did remember: it was the day of Mrs Bob's citizenship ceremony! I dressed double pronto, fired up the Jag, and we made it with a good half hour to spare! And what a glorious gathering of new citizens we met! There was Khalid from Pakistan, Chin Yung from China, Mrs Patel from Lozells, and Omar from Africa amongst the thirty or so decent souls who were about to pledge their honour to Queen and country. Of course the post-ceremony chit-chat revolved around the quite disgraceful outing of Ryan Giggs. None of our new citizens could understand why the national press are so keen to upset preparations for Saturday's CL final and condemned the vicious news eds as traitors who should be hung from their goolies off Tower Bridge! That's the bulldog spirit I say!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, entered the lounge with a face like gathering thunder. "Wob Boberts!" she squealed. "Have you no remember the day today ?" Well, Rich, it took a while but I did remember: it was the day of Mrs Bob's citizenship ceremony! I dressed double pronto, fired up the Jag, and we made it with a good half hour to spare! And what a glorious gathering of new citizens we met! There was Khalid from Pakistan, Chin Yung from China, Mrs Patel from Lozells, and Omar from Africa amongst the thirty or so decent souls who were about to pledge their honour to Queen and country. Of course the post-ceremony chit-chat revolved around the quite disgraceful outing of Ryan Giggs. None of our new citizens could understand why the national press are so keen to upset preparations for Saturday's CL final and condemned the vicious news eds as traitors who should be hung from their goolies off Tower Bridge! That's the bulldog spirit I say!
Friday
It's not only rape victims betrayed by the system/May 20th 2011.
Richie - Last night saw the premiere of our Operatic Society's spring production! And what a gala evening it was for all concerned! Hello Dolly was the original musical of choice with the storyline transposed to the Gorbals. However, months of luvvie tantrums saw Hello Dolly being ditched and a hastily assembled new show (a comedy in the best G & S tradition called All Aboard The Big Society), rise from the ashes. Well, it proved to be a rip-roaring success, with Mrs Bob taking the lead and a saucy chorus of ladyboys flown in to add lashings of glam. Old Wob even made a cameo appearance, playing a right-wing windbag journo whose twice-weekly blatherings are ridiculed throughout the land! I appeared to great applause out of a wheelie bin and had to chase a busty health and safety official round the stage whilst singing "I might not be Tolstoy but I can parody a sit-com or two!" before my second number, "She Woz Only A Prozzie From Ipswich!" brought the bally house down! Mad I say!
Richie - Last night saw the premiere of our Operatic Society's spring production! And what a gala evening it was for all concerned! Hello Dolly was the original musical of choice with the storyline transposed to the Gorbals. However, months of luvvie tantrums saw Hello Dolly being ditched and a hastily assembled new show (a comedy in the best G & S tradition called All Aboard The Big Society), rise from the ashes. Well, it proved to be a rip-roaring success, with Mrs Bob taking the lead and a saucy chorus of ladyboys flown in to add lashings of glam. Old Wob even made a cameo appearance, playing a right-wing windbag journo whose twice-weekly blatherings are ridiculed throughout the land! I appeared to great applause out of a wheelie bin and had to chase a busty health and safety official round the stage whilst singing "I might not be Tolstoy but I can parody a sit-com or two!" before my second number, "She Woz Only A Prozzie From Ipswich!" brought the bally house down! Mad I say!
Monday
Robber spared deportation: When did 'family' mean some bird I met in the pub?/May 17th 2011.
Richie - Saturday I dusted off my blazer and cravat in the manner of Tim Nice But Dim and headed to London for the spectacularly unsuccessful Rally for Cuts debacle. To be honest, it should have been renamed the Really Freaky People Rally such was the assortment of nutters and loons on show! Our hallowed Auntie Beeb estimated the number to be 350 but 150 was nearer the mark, all bussed in from the outer reaches of political ga-ga land. Fruitcake-in-chief Nige Farage was there, of course, so too a number of Pimms swillers from that 'independent' organisation Taxpayers Alliance which, as we all know, is really a right wing ponzi scheme sponsored by the Tories. There were a few shouts of "Cut Libraries Now" and "Privatise the NHS" as well as one or two mutterings advocating the return of the workhouse. Unfortunately old Wob was found out when I gave a rousing rendition of The Red Flag near the MOD and was carted off pronto on a trumped-up charge of being drunk in a public place! Mad I say!
Richie - Saturday I dusted off my blazer and cravat in the manner of Tim Nice But Dim and headed to London for the spectacularly unsuccessful Rally for Cuts debacle. To be honest, it should have been renamed the Really Freaky People Rally such was the assortment of nutters and loons on show! Our hallowed Auntie Beeb estimated the number to be 350 but 150 was nearer the mark, all bussed in from the outer reaches of political ga-ga land. Fruitcake-in-chief Nige Farage was there, of course, so too a number of Pimms swillers from that 'independent' organisation Taxpayers Alliance which, as we all know, is really a right wing ponzi scheme sponsored by the Tories. There were a few shouts of "Cut Libraries Now" and "Privatise the NHS" as well as one or two mutterings advocating the return of the workhouse. Unfortunately old Wob was found out when I gave a rousing rendition of The Red Flag near the MOD and was carted off pronto on a trumped-up charge of being drunk in a public place! Mad I say!
Tuesday
In Haringey and Hackney humility hardly ever happens/May 10th 2011.
Richie - I squeezed myself into one of Mrs Bob's blue floral dresses, glued on my best wig and zipped up my thigh-skimming leather boots before infiltrating the local post-AV Tory party. And I'm pleased to report that our local Tory coven showed humility and humbleness as they marked Lord ShamCam of Misrata's victory! Lady Mimsy Fullerton-Breakwater set the evening off by showering the revellers with champagne while stockbroker Rupert Smidgin-Jones performed his acclaimed rap-song "Let's privatise the NHS" to great applause. Tarquin Lloyd-Buttersqueaker then provided the piece de resistance by unveiling a buffet that consisted of two suckling pigs, one named Nick and the other Vince. The merriment continued until the early hours with rousing choruses of "Bomb Haringey not Libya", "The LibDems are our favourite fag!" and numerous other German folk songs before old Wob was forced to scarper pronto when the chairman got amorous and one of my falsies exploded on the dancefloor! Mad I say!
Richie - I squeezed myself into one of Mrs Bob's blue floral dresses, glued on my best wig and zipped up my thigh-skimming leather boots before infiltrating the local post-AV Tory party. And I'm pleased to report that our local Tory coven showed humility and humbleness as they marked Lord ShamCam of Misrata's victory! Lady Mimsy Fullerton-Breakwater set the evening off by showering the revellers with champagne while stockbroker Rupert Smidgin-Jones performed his acclaimed rap-song "Let's privatise the NHS" to great applause. Tarquin Lloyd-Buttersqueaker then provided the piece de resistance by unveiling a buffet that consisted of two suckling pigs, one named Nick and the other Vince. The merriment continued until the early hours with rousing choruses of "Bomb Haringey not Libya", "The LibDems are our favourite fag!" and numerous other German folk songs before old Wob was forced to scarper pronto when the chairman got amorous and one of my falsies exploded on the dancefloor! Mad I say!
It's definitely Hitler, sir. He's only got one.../May 6th 2011.
Richie - While leafleting the outer regions of civilisation for Labour I met one of your biggest fans! Miserable Stinky Old Walter, as he's known locally, lives in a ramshackle prefab in the depths of the Worcester countryside. Walt is an advocate of self-sufficiency and can regularly be seen wandering along the A449 in search of roadkill. But contact with the grizzled old mucker is rare as callers are invariably put off by the razor-wire, BNP posters, and Keep Out signs, including one that proclaims all Pinkos should 'Burn in Hell'! Nevertheless, intrepid Wob went where no man has gone before and knocked on Walt's stinking abode, whereupon the unkempt, alcohol-salt-and tobacco-addicted ogre opened the door. 'Can we count on your vote Thursday Walt ?' I asked. And, as he went to fetch his shotgun, and I prepared to flee pronto, I caught a glimpse of a shrine to you, Rich, situated among the tons of rubbish, empty spirit bottles and rotting carcasses Walt keeps in his lounge. Mad I say!
Richie - While leafleting the outer regions of civilisation for Labour I met one of your biggest fans! Miserable Stinky Old Walter, as he's known locally, lives in a ramshackle prefab in the depths of the Worcester countryside. Walt is an advocate of self-sufficiency and can regularly be seen wandering along the A449 in search of roadkill. But contact with the grizzled old mucker is rare as callers are invariably put off by the razor-wire, BNP posters, and Keep Out signs, including one that proclaims all Pinkos should 'Burn in Hell'! Nevertheless, intrepid Wob went where no man has gone before and knocked on Walt's stinking abode, whereupon the unkempt, alcohol-salt-and tobacco-addicted ogre opened the door. 'Can we count on your vote Thursday Walt ?' I asked. And, as he went to fetch his shotgun, and I prepared to flee pronto, I caught a glimpse of a shrine to you, Rich, situated among the tons of rubbish, empty spirit bottles and rotting carcasses Walt keeps in his lounge. Mad I say!
A bullet in the brain was all this coward deserved/May 3rd 2011.
Richie - I nearly choked on my shreddies when I saw you'd devoted such a large chunk of your illustrious column to the insignificant tittle-tattle of Osama wheelie-bin's demise! As any journo worth his salt will tell you, the pressing question on the nation's lips today is: just what was Princess Bea thinking when she allowed her stylist to set that intergalactic deep-space-9 hat on to her pretty royal head! It reminded me of the aerial on my old portable black-and-white tv! It's lucky there were no US Navy Seals present at the Abbey - the poor girl would have been subjected to extraordinary rendition and carted off to Area 51 for alien testing! However, Rich, I must say we enjoyed a tip-top weekend of festivities here in the village snug as we watched the hallowed nuptuals on the big screen. With hindsight, Mrs Bob reckons Bea's hat was a secret US military satellite-tracking system that monitored Osama's final movements, giving vital info to Black Ops! Well done our royals I say!
Richie - I nearly choked on my shreddies when I saw you'd devoted such a large chunk of your illustrious column to the insignificant tittle-tattle of Osama wheelie-bin's demise! As any journo worth his salt will tell you, the pressing question on the nation's lips today is: just what was Princess Bea thinking when she allowed her stylist to set that intergalactic deep-space-9 hat on to her pretty royal head! It reminded me of the aerial on my old portable black-and-white tv! It's lucky there were no US Navy Seals present at the Abbey - the poor girl would have been subjected to extraordinary rendition and carted off to Area 51 for alien testing! However, Rich, I must say we enjoyed a tip-top weekend of festivities here in the village snug as we watched the hallowed nuptuals on the big screen. With hindsight, Mrs Bob reckons Bea's hat was a secret US military satellite-tracking system that monitored Osama's final movements, giving vital info to Black Ops! Well done our royals I say!
Thursday
The death of common sense and how our police are losing the plot/April 28th 2011.
Richie - Shame on you, Lord Littlewon! How sad that in this glorious Royal Wedding week you still feel obliged to give our brave plod a good kicking! How many lazy, incompetent journos are there on the planet I wonder ? No mention of those bozos, eh Rich ? Why, only yesterday, on our local news, we were told of 3 female coppers who courageously tackled an armed gang, displaying vim and heroism above and beyond the call of duty! No mention of these top-notch PC gals in the Richie column either! Instead, you continue to demean and debase this great country of ours in the very week our illustrious plod are doing their best to keep us secure from fanatics like Al-Quaida, the EDL, BNP, Donald Trump and other assorted fruitcake USA Baptists! As we put up the bunting in the snug and prepare for tomorrow's festivities, I say to you moaning minnies from Oz, Phuket, Marbella and all 3rd world ex-pat backwaters: God save our Queen! God save our Labour Party! And God save our glorious plod! (Hic!)
Richie - Shame on you, Lord Littlewon! How sad that in this glorious Royal Wedding week you still feel obliged to give our brave plod a good kicking! How many lazy, incompetent journos are there on the planet I wonder ? No mention of those bozos, eh Rich ? Why, only yesterday, on our local news, we were told of 3 female coppers who courageously tackled an armed gang, displaying vim and heroism above and beyond the call of duty! No mention of these top-notch PC gals in the Richie column either! Instead, you continue to demean and debase this great country of ours in the very week our illustrious plod are doing their best to keep us secure from fanatics like Al-Quaida, the EDL, BNP, Donald Trump and other assorted fruitcake USA Baptists! As we put up the bunting in the snug and prepare for tomorrow's festivities, I say to you moaning minnies from Oz, Phuket, Marbella and all 3rd world ex-pat backwaters: God save our Queen! God save our Labour Party! And God save our glorious plod! (Hic!)
Tuesday
Thanks for the laughter, John. See ya, Dave/April 26th 2011.
Richie - Like you we raised snifters in the snug to the memory of the great John Sullivan! May he rest in peace in that great Comedy Gold studio in the sky! But we shouldn't forget, Rich, that John was nurtured by that other beloved institution, the BBC. Without Auntie Beeb there would have been no Crazy Gang, no Python, no Fools & Horses, no Edmund Blackadder, no Office to name but a few. It just goes to show that, compared to the outrageous sums charged by biased private broadcasters for inferior product, the impartial Beeb offers superb value for money, I say! We also raised a snifter or two for another outstanding individual, namely Tim Hetherington, who was sadly killed while reporting the conflict in Libya. Here was a top class journo boldly doing what great journos do, getting to the heart of the story in order to educate and inform the public! What a shame other journos, especially those obsessed by mindless celebrity and wheelie bins, don't follow Tim's shining example I say!
Richie - Like you we raised snifters in the snug to the memory of the great John Sullivan! May he rest in peace in that great Comedy Gold studio in the sky! But we shouldn't forget, Rich, that John was nurtured by that other beloved institution, the BBC. Without Auntie Beeb there would have been no Crazy Gang, no Python, no Fools & Horses, no Edmund Blackadder, no Office to name but a few. It just goes to show that, compared to the outrageous sums charged by biased private broadcasters for inferior product, the impartial Beeb offers superb value for money, I say! We also raised a snifter or two for another outstanding individual, namely Tim Hetherington, who was sadly killed while reporting the conflict in Libya. Here was a top class journo boldly doing what great journos do, getting to the heart of the story in order to educate and inform the public! What a shame other journos, especially those obsessed by mindless celebrity and wheelie bins, don't follow Tim's shining example I say!
Wolfie Smith and the Tower Hamlets Taliban/April 19th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to stand up for this hard-done-by Christian feller from oop north! Live and let live, I say! Let people worship their fairies when and where they want! Indeed, my own company, Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U, allows employees to indulge in all manner of religious nonsense even though clients get heartily offended! Muslims, Christians, Martians - our company has seen em all! One example is the bright young girl who does our admin. A devotee of some wierd and wacky sect she prefers to be known as Princess Delora Hemlock from Deep Space 9 and comes to work dressed like a gothic version of Rowan Williams! But old Wob has never been afraid of entering into the spirit of religious faiths! Many's the time that I've donned my Darth Vader suit, fired up my light sabre and chased her round the office! And there's nothing better than dressing up in silk pantaloons and turban and shaking the Wobert's booty for Dawali - usually after several snifters in the snug I say!
Richie - How right you are to stand up for this hard-done-by Christian feller from oop north! Live and let live, I say! Let people worship their fairies when and where they want! Indeed, my own company, Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U, allows employees to indulge in all manner of religious nonsense even though clients get heartily offended! Muslims, Christians, Martians - our company has seen em all! One example is the bright young girl who does our admin. A devotee of some wierd and wacky sect she prefers to be known as Princess Delora Hemlock from Deep Space 9 and comes to work dressed like a gothic version of Rowan Williams! But old Wob has never been afraid of entering into the spirit of religious faiths! Many's the time that I've donned my Darth Vader suit, fired up my light sabre and chased her round the office! And there's nothing better than dressing up in silk pantaloons and turban and shaking the Wobert's booty for Dawali - usually after several snifters in the snug I say!
Friday
Is that an injunction in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?/April 15th 2011.
Richie - As a successful local businessman of these parts I was recently invited to a round-table event highlighting new start-ups. Normally I avoid these self-indulgent get-togethers but with Mrs Bob off at operatic rehearsals and the prospect of free snifters and nibbles I decided to show my face. And what a swell evening it was! A parade of new business initiatives were prodded onto the stage for our delectation, all of them providing a snapshot of the private-sector-led recovery! Marge, a single parent and former social worker, has launched a pet nail-trimming service and Brian, a former firefighter, has entered the competative market of male kiss-o-grams. Roger, a newly redundant health-and-safety officer, has set up as an Elvis-medium and ex-lollipop lady Katie is looking to corner the market in celebrity-themed cup-cakes! All have taken out huge bank loans to start them on their way. Well done the Tory-led Coagulation, I say, for gving these important industries a leg-up!
Richie - As a successful local businessman of these parts I was recently invited to a round-table event highlighting new start-ups. Normally I avoid these self-indulgent get-togethers but with Mrs Bob off at operatic rehearsals and the prospect of free snifters and nibbles I decided to show my face. And what a swell evening it was! A parade of new business initiatives were prodded onto the stage for our delectation, all of them providing a snapshot of the private-sector-led recovery! Marge, a single parent and former social worker, has launched a pet nail-trimming service and Brian, a former firefighter, has entered the competative market of male kiss-o-grams. Roger, a newly redundant health-and-safety officer, has set up as an Elvis-medium and ex-lollipop lady Katie is looking to corner the market in celebrity-themed cup-cakes! All have taken out huge bank loans to start them on their way. Well done the Tory-led Coagulation, I say, for gving these important industries a leg-up!
Tuesday
It's semi-detached suburban Dr Singh/April 12th 2011.
Richie - I nearly fell out of my comfy chair and spilt my morning snifter when I read today's column! I can proudly report that here in our village Her Madge's loyal British subjects will certainly not be clamouring for a one-way ticket out of Gatwick on April 29th! In fact, plans are well afoot for a knees-up on the village green with plenty of nosh and festivities to celebrate the royal marriage! My dear Thai wife's mother will be arriving for the occasion with Ladyboy members of her brass cymbal folk ensemble and Dr Singh's dholak drumming troupe will also provide entertainment. Marcia Braithwaite's Polish plumber husband is rustling up vodka and 'bigos' (a traditional hunter's stew) for the buffet table and even SWP aristo-activist Lady Tabitha Wilmott-Brown will be in attendance along with her latest squeeze, a famous African-born Prem League footy player. The only poopers will be local Tories and LibDems who have refused invites, too worried about meeting the angry hoi-polloi I say!
Richie - I nearly fell out of my comfy chair and spilt my morning snifter when I read today's column! I can proudly report that here in our village Her Madge's loyal British subjects will certainly not be clamouring for a one-way ticket out of Gatwick on April 29th! In fact, plans are well afoot for a knees-up on the village green with plenty of nosh and festivities to celebrate the royal marriage! My dear Thai wife's mother will be arriving for the occasion with Ladyboy members of her brass cymbal folk ensemble and Dr Singh's dholak drumming troupe will also provide entertainment. Marcia Braithwaite's Polish plumber husband is rustling up vodka and 'bigos' (a traditional hunter's stew) for the buffet table and even SWP aristo-activist Lady Tabitha Wilmott-Brown will be in attendance along with her latest squeeze, a famous African-born Prem League footy player. The only poopers will be local Tories and LibDems who have refused invites, too worried about meeting the angry hoi-polloi I say!
Friday
It's no wonder so many firms end up on the scrapheap/April 8th 2011.
Richie - I was settled in my comfy chair eating a scotch egg and listening to "Instellar Overdrive" by Pink Floyd when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 demanded that I take her out for the day. 'We never go out on nice twip anymore Wob" she said. "You no love me like in owlden days when we first meet!" Well, Rich, in order to prevent several hours of female waterworks I fired up the Jag and we headed along the A5 to north Wales. And what a delighful trip it was! We sat on the beach, saw some of the most beautiful scenery in the UK and finished off with a fish n chip supper on the quayside. The only blemish was when we were accosted by a middle-aged drunk. The man, we learned, had been driven to destitution after his catering business was axed by elf n safety. He'd been mixing meat that wasn't fit for human consumption into his products and was ruthlessly closed down! Yet another example of evil Labour, public sector jobsworths and small business red tape I say! Where will it end, Richie!
Richie - I was settled in my comfy chair eating a scotch egg and listening to "Instellar Overdrive" by Pink Floyd when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 demanded that I take her out for the day. 'We never go out on nice twip anymore Wob" she said. "You no love me like in owlden days when we first meet!" Well, Rich, in order to prevent several hours of female waterworks I fired up the Jag and we headed along the A5 to north Wales. And what a delighful trip it was! We sat on the beach, saw some of the most beautiful scenery in the UK and finished off with a fish n chip supper on the quayside. The only blemish was when we were accosted by a middle-aged drunk. The man, we learned, had been driven to destitution after his catering business was axed by elf n safety. He'd been mixing meat that wasn't fit for human consumption into his products and was ruthlessly closed down! Yet another example of evil Labour, public sector jobsworths and small business red tape I say! Where will it end, Richie!
Tuesday
When it comes to lawyers, Shakespeare called it right/April 5th 2011.
Richie - I put on one of Mrs Bob's floral spring dresses, wig, heels and falsies and infiltrated the local Tory spring fair. And would you adam and eve it, I discovered tip-top secret info! The Tory funded Taxpayers Alliance and other assorted lunatic fringe groups are planning a Pro-Cuts march in London next month! They're expecting between one and two thousand "supporters" (ie bussed-in Tory workers) to show support for the vile unelected ConDem govt's programme to push Britain back into medieval times! I suppose it will be a bit like those hard-nuts who can be seen demonstrating in support of Mad Dog Gaddafi on the six o'clock news - lots of wailing blue-rinse types from the shires demanding the closure of playgroups, libraries and everything else that makes this a civilised country to live in. One local Tory supporter, who couldn't keep his hands off my scotch eggs, even offered me a lift to the demo in his Porsche but I managed to scarper pronto before I was rumbled! Mad I say!
Richie - I put on one of Mrs Bob's floral spring dresses, wig, heels and falsies and infiltrated the local Tory spring fair. And would you adam and eve it, I discovered tip-top secret info! The Tory funded Taxpayers Alliance and other assorted lunatic fringe groups are planning a Pro-Cuts march in London next month! They're expecting between one and two thousand "supporters" (ie bussed-in Tory workers) to show support for the vile unelected ConDem govt's programme to push Britain back into medieval times! I suppose it will be a bit like those hard-nuts who can be seen demonstrating in support of Mad Dog Gaddafi on the six o'clock news - lots of wailing blue-rinse types from the shires demanding the closure of playgroups, libraries and everything else that makes this a civilised country to live in. One local Tory supporter, who couldn't keep his hands off my scotch eggs, even offered me a lift to the demo in his Porsche but I managed to scarper pronto before I was rumbled! Mad I say!
Thursday
It's the jolly boys' outing - directed by Quentin Tarantino/April 1st 2011.
Richie - How right you are to highlight in your esteemed column the vile EDL - that rag-tag of overweight tattooed baldies who can usually be found cheering on Millwall and Norman Tebbit at The Den! These racist, incoherent, belly-brains represent the worst of our sacred isle and it is heartening to know that you, Lord Richie, Britain's Bestest Columnist by far, are prepared to stand up and denounce the violence and terror these thugs bring to our streets. It is an affront to democracy that a few hundred drunks masquerading as English 'patriots' are allowed to inflict fear, division and intolerance into proud upstanding communities, so much so that hair-brained schemes to bus anti-social kids to Blackpool are given the nod. How different to the peaceful law-abiding public sector workers last week! That true English gent Sir Bobby Robson got it right when, as manager of Ipswich, watching the Millwall Nazis riot in 1978, he said to bring in the flamethrowers! That's the spirit I say!
Richie - How right you are to highlight in your esteemed column the vile EDL - that rag-tag of overweight tattooed baldies who can usually be found cheering on Millwall and Norman Tebbit at The Den! These racist, incoherent, belly-brains represent the worst of our sacred isle and it is heartening to know that you, Lord Richie, Britain's Bestest Columnist by far, are prepared to stand up and denounce the violence and terror these thugs bring to our streets. It is an affront to democracy that a few hundred drunks masquerading as English 'patriots' are allowed to inflict fear, division and intolerance into proud upstanding communities, so much so that hair-brained schemes to bus anti-social kids to Blackpool are given the nod. How different to the peaceful law-abiding public sector workers last week! That true English gent Sir Bobby Robson got it right when, as manager of Ipswich, watching the Millwall Nazis riot in 1978, he said to bring in the flamethrowers! That's the spirit I say!
Tuesday
Heaven knows, Call Me Dave could use a young Norman Tebbit today/March 29th 2011.
Richie - You may have been asleep over the weekend (or just watching Fox News) so allow me to bring you up to date with the important news. Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a thrilling few days in the capital where, along with half a million other hard working upstanding types, we marched against the vile unelected ConDem govt, leaving wet-behind-the-ears Cameron n Clegg in no doubt that proud British workers will not roll over and take their viscious cuts lightly! The atmosphere was friendly but doggedly defiant. The nurses, teachers, social workers, library staff, police, waste-operatives and fire workers who marched are the backbone of this nation - not the greedy bankers and Tory fat cats who are currently leading us all into the gutter. And as for Gormless Norman Tebbit - given the choice of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with either proud public sector workers or BNP footy hooligans from Millwall I know which the overwhelming majority of people would choose I say!
Richie - You may have been asleep over the weekend (or just watching Fox News) so allow me to bring you up to date with the important news. Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a thrilling few days in the capital where, along with half a million other hard working upstanding types, we marched against the vile unelected ConDem govt, leaving wet-behind-the-ears Cameron n Clegg in no doubt that proud British workers will not roll over and take their viscious cuts lightly! The atmosphere was friendly but doggedly defiant. The nurses, teachers, social workers, library staff, police, waste-operatives and fire workers who marched are the backbone of this nation - not the greedy bankers and Tory fat cats who are currently leading us all into the gutter. And as for Gormless Norman Tebbit - given the choice of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with either proud public sector workers or BNP footy hooligans from Millwall I know which the overwhelming majority of people would choose I say!
Friday
Who's the Wally with the Golly?/March 2th 2011.
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair trying to think of something suitable to buy my precocious grandson, Bob Roberts Jnr, as a gift for his eleventh birthday. Young Bob has set himself the goal of becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40 and demands we only buy him biographies of political titans of the age - Clinton, Mandelson, Blair, the cheeky chappie has read em all! But all work and no play makes Bob jnr dull, I say. So imagine my delight when I discovered a novelty gift doll called the WallyJohn! With puffed-up cheeks and an ample corsage, the WallyJohn is modelled on that peculiar breed of Right Wing media windbag who goes out of their way to be politically incorrect. Well, Wallyjohn proved to be a big hit with Bob jnr. He especially enjoyed the pull-cord at the rear of the doll that turned Wallyjohn purple and activated the catch-phrase "Who cares about the Japs!" The last I saw Bob jnr had invented a game called earthquakes and buried Wallyjohn in the garden! Mad I say!
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair trying to think of something suitable to buy my precocious grandson, Bob Roberts Jnr, as a gift for his eleventh birthday. Young Bob has set himself the goal of becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40 and demands we only buy him biographies of political titans of the age - Clinton, Mandelson, Blair, the cheeky chappie has read em all! But all work and no play makes Bob jnr dull, I say. So imagine my delight when I discovered a novelty gift doll called the WallyJohn! With puffed-up cheeks and an ample corsage, the WallyJohn is modelled on that peculiar breed of Right Wing media windbag who goes out of their way to be politically incorrect. Well, Wallyjohn proved to be a big hit with Bob jnr. He especially enjoyed the pull-cord at the rear of the doll that turned Wallyjohn purple and activated the catch-phrase "Who cares about the Japs!" The last I saw Bob jnr had invented a game called earthquakes and buried Wallyjohn in the garden! Mad I say!
Monday
Why my wife's PoW grandad wouldn't mark a minute's silence for the Japanese/March 22nd 2011.
Richie - We were enjoying weekend snifters in the snug and watching the latest news from Japan on the 60 inch flat screen tv behind the bar when a couple of gobby BNP activists walked in and demanded ale. Needless to say, Rich, our snug is welcome to all who observe common decency and manners. But these two invertebrates rubbed us up the wrong way with their spiteful comments. "Who cares about Japan!" one mumbled. "They're not like us, they've got funny eyes" sniggered his dozy mate. But our anger reached boiling point when the first shouted for all to hear: "The Japs lost the war and ain't gonna discover a cure for cancer! Who gives a toss!" It was at this point that my dear Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3 (who, incidentally, has family members living in Tokyo) executed a mid-air Bruce Lee-style kung-fu chop that blasted the nasty critters out of the door and onto their backsides in the street where they belong. That's what makes this country great I say! Eh, Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?
Richie - We were enjoying weekend snifters in the snug and watching the latest news from Japan on the 60 inch flat screen tv behind the bar when a couple of gobby BNP activists walked in and demanded ale. Needless to say, Rich, our snug is welcome to all who observe common decency and manners. But these two invertebrates rubbed us up the wrong way with their spiteful comments. "Who cares about Japan!" one mumbled. "They're not like us, they've got funny eyes" sniggered his dozy mate. But our anger reached boiling point when the first shouted for all to hear: "The Japs lost the war and ain't gonna discover a cure for cancer! Who gives a toss!" It was at this point that my dear Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3 (who, incidentally, has family members living in Tokyo) executed a mid-air Bruce Lee-style kung-fu chop that blasted the nasty critters out of the door and onto their backsides in the street where they belong. That's what makes this country great I say! Eh, Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?
Thursday
Next on the BBC... those wicked Tory cuts in full/March 11th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to give the Marxist-Leninist Broadcasting Corporation a good kicking! Who cares if Plod, lentil-munching teechers, firefighters, a few Florence Nightingales and far-away squaddies have their pensions decimated! They should all thank their lucky stars that pious Lord Gideon hasn't had to tax the air they breathe thanks to vile Gordy's reckless spending as he baled out the banks! I say the wealthy public sector spongers should give back their gold-plated pensions of 5k a year and help fund poor 27m a year Bob Diamond's struggle to put Barclays on an even keel! And Richie I was shocked - nay appalled - to see that dozy bird from The One Show wearing a red dress the other night...proof if it were needed that the odious Beeb is riddled with Trots! It's about time the tv licence was ended, I say, then we could all pay Saint Rupert 100 quid a month to watch live topless casino and the Sarah Palin Show! Well done Richie - cutting edge journalism at its best (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to give the Marxist-Leninist Broadcasting Corporation a good kicking! Who cares if Plod, lentil-munching teechers, firefighters, a few Florence Nightingales and far-away squaddies have their pensions decimated! They should all thank their lucky stars that pious Lord Gideon hasn't had to tax the air they breathe thanks to vile Gordy's reckless spending as he baled out the banks! I say the wealthy public sector spongers should give back their gold-plated pensions of 5k a year and help fund poor 27m a year Bob Diamond's struggle to put Barclays on an even keel! And Richie I was shocked - nay appalled - to see that dozy bird from The One Show wearing a red dress the other night...proof if it were needed that the odious Beeb is riddled with Trots! It's about time the tv licence was ended, I say, then we could all pay Saint Rupert 100 quid a month to watch live topless casino and the Sarah Palin Show! Well done Richie - cutting edge journalism at its best (Hic!)
Tuesday
Look out, Mr Mackay, it's Genial Hattie Grout/March 8th 2011.
Richie - I was sitting at table waiting for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 to serve me breakfast when I caught the sweet aromas of an unknown meat product sizzling in the pan. "Today we eat white woyal bwekfast, Wob!" Mrs Bob pronounced and set before me a plate of the most luscious bacon and eggs I've ever seen. It transpired that she had (at no small expense, I might add) been out buying Duchy Originals, the organically farmed and hand-spoken-to foodstuffs reared among the lush royal estates by Prince Charles. All profits from this noble organisation no doubt go to the deserving poor and as the bacon melted on my tongue and Mrs Bob nibbled on a succulent Royal chipolata I thought how lucky we are to be ruled by the House of Windsor. All of us have a few dubious buddies and poor much-maligned Prince Andrew is no different. Why, a good friend of mine once punched the chairman of the local Tory association on the hooter and I've never held it against him! God bless our royals I say!
Richie - I was sitting at table waiting for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 to serve me breakfast when I caught the sweet aromas of an unknown meat product sizzling in the pan. "Today we eat white woyal bwekfast, Wob!" Mrs Bob pronounced and set before me a plate of the most luscious bacon and eggs I've ever seen. It transpired that she had (at no small expense, I might add) been out buying Duchy Originals, the organically farmed and hand-spoken-to foodstuffs reared among the lush royal estates by Prince Charles. All profits from this noble organisation no doubt go to the deserving poor and as the bacon melted on my tongue and Mrs Bob nibbled on a succulent Royal chipolata I thought how lucky we are to be ruled by the House of Windsor. All of us have a few dubious buddies and poor much-maligned Prince Andrew is no different. Why, a good friend of mine once punched the chairman of the local Tory association on the hooter and I've never held it against him! God bless our royals I say!
Friday
Sack the sniffer wardens - not soldiers or cops/March 4th 2011.
Richie - I've just returned from Barnsley oop north after helping Labour give a bloody nose to Calamity Clegg and the vile unelected Sorry I Haven't A Clue govt. Whilst there I popped round to see my old chum Dave Salt, Trades Union activist and George Formby impersonator extraordinaire, who's busy planning a few Days of Rage in the capital. Whilst stoking the fire and dipping our lard cakes into our brew old Dave perused your esteemed column before chucking the DM into the flames "where it belongs". "I don't know about you, Bob, but it's the lazy, tax-evading journos who need to be culled, not coppers and squaddies putting their lives on the line." Well, I defended your honour, Richie, and said that you were feeling the squeeze just like everyone else. Why, I said, after 40 years hard graft poor Lord Littlewon has only just scraped together enough cash to buy a replacement bed! But Dave wasn't listening - he was too busy barking "Cleggy! Cleggy! Cleggy! Out! Out! Out!" with his army of Trotskyite whippets! Mad I say!
Richie - I've just returned from Barnsley oop north after helping Labour give a bloody nose to Calamity Clegg and the vile unelected Sorry I Haven't A Clue govt. Whilst there I popped round to see my old chum Dave Salt, Trades Union activist and George Formby impersonator extraordinaire, who's busy planning a few Days of Rage in the capital. Whilst stoking the fire and dipping our lard cakes into our brew old Dave perused your esteemed column before chucking the DM into the flames "where it belongs". "I don't know about you, Bob, but it's the lazy, tax-evading journos who need to be culled, not coppers and squaddies putting their lives on the line." Well, I defended your honour, Richie, and said that you were feeling the squeeze just like everyone else. Why, I said, after 40 years hard graft poor Lord Littlewon has only just scraped together enough cash to buy a replacement bed! But Dave wasn't listening - he was too busy barking "Cleggy! Cleggy! Cleggy! Out! Out! Out!" with his army of Trotskyite whippets! Mad I say!
Monday
Mind How You Go Awards 2011/March 1st 2011.
Richie - Last night was the annual Right Wing Windbags of the Year awards ceremony in the snug of our village local and I can report that all regulars were well suited and booted for the occasion. Up for grabs were the famous Windbag statuettes, cast in papier mache by local schoolchildren and fashioned in the shape of an overweight, vomit-drenched Fleet Street journo. Many of the awards were rather predictable. Sarah Palin won US Fruitcake of the Year for the third time and the EDL again beat the ailing BNP to the Knuckledraggers award. Mad Mel Philips grabbed another Howling at the Moon gong while Cuddly Nick Griffin was the ever-popular winner of the Funny Walks prize. However, you'll be pleased to learn that you won top honour - the prestigious Right Wing Windbag of the Year. Arthur Groat accepted the "Windy" on your behalf and made a long rambling speech about gay coppers, evil McBroon, and recycling bins that sent the audience into a deep slumber. Old Arfur did you proud I say!
Richie - Last night was the annual Right Wing Windbags of the Year awards ceremony in the snug of our village local and I can report that all regulars were well suited and booted for the occasion. Up for grabs were the famous Windbag statuettes, cast in papier mache by local schoolchildren and fashioned in the shape of an overweight, vomit-drenched Fleet Street journo. Many of the awards were rather predictable. Sarah Palin won US Fruitcake of the Year for the third time and the EDL again beat the ailing BNP to the Knuckledraggers award. Mad Mel Philips grabbed another Howling at the Moon gong while Cuddly Nick Griffin was the ever-popular winner of the Funny Walks prize. However, you'll be pleased to learn that you won top honour - the prestigious Right Wing Windbag of the Year. Arthur Groat accepted the "Windy" on your behalf and made a long rambling speech about gay coppers, evil McBroon, and recycling bins that sent the audience into a deep slumber. Old Arfur did you proud I say!
Friday
Dunkirk? No, it's more like Carry On Follow That Camel/February 25th 2011.
Richie - Yesterday was ConDem night in the snug of our village local and what mirth and merriment we had! Regulars had to dress up as a member of this truly inept government and we spent most of the evening running around like headless chickens apologising for our mistakes! Arthur Groat donned a body suit made out of three bales of hay and came as lardy Squire Pickles while Marcia Braithwaite impersonated tree-lover Spelman, complete with ketchup and comedy knife in the back courtesy of the PM. Dr Singh wandered aimlessly as Deputy Dawg Clegg and Frances, our landlady, did a fine impression of 16 pints Hague by strapping the remains of an ostrich egg onto her head! Of course, I donned my Bullingdon suit and played slimeball Shameron while Mrs Bob No 3 wore vampire fangs and cloak and came as Slasher Osbourne. The evening ended with a toast to our great former PM Blair whose foresight in dealing with Mad Dog Gaddafi has most likely prevented nuclear war in the Mid East! Chins up I say!
Richie - Yesterday was ConDem night in the snug of our village local and what mirth and merriment we had! Regulars had to dress up as a member of this truly inept government and we spent most of the evening running around like headless chickens apologising for our mistakes! Arthur Groat donned a body suit made out of three bales of hay and came as lardy Squire Pickles while Marcia Braithwaite impersonated tree-lover Spelman, complete with ketchup and comedy knife in the back courtesy of the PM. Dr Singh wandered aimlessly as Deputy Dawg Clegg and Frances, our landlady, did a fine impression of 16 pints Hague by strapping the remains of an ostrich egg onto her head! Of course, I donned my Bullingdon suit and played slimeball Shameron while Mrs Bob No 3 wore vampire fangs and cloak and came as Slasher Osbourne. The evening ended with a toast to our great former PM Blair whose foresight in dealing with Mad Dog Gaddafi has most likely prevented nuclear war in the Mid East! Chins up I say!
Tuesday
What on earth is Call Me Dave doing in Egypt?/February 23rd 2011.
Richie - With Mrs Bob No 3 safely packed away at rehearsals for the operatic society's spring production, I settled in my comfy chair with a snifter or three and caught-up with my favourite programmes on Auntie Beeb's wonderful iPlayer. And what a superb choice of entertainment our national broadcaster offers! Drama, current affairs, light entertainment, the best in sport and music - how lucky we are to have this national institution at our fingertips. I was particularly taken by the series The Human Planet - in fact, so enthralled that I watched six episodes in one sitting! My favourite bit was when the men of the Wodaabe tribe, smeared in red paint, adorned in the feathers of the paradise bird, and looking like exotic clowns, danced manically for their womenfolk in the hope of getting a date! It was such a sight, these showboaters huffing, puffing and preening to get themselves noticed, that I was at once reminded of our useless, unelected, blushing PM's visit to Egypt! Mad I say!
Richie - With Mrs Bob No 3 safely packed away at rehearsals for the operatic society's spring production, I settled in my comfy chair with a snifter or three and caught-up with my favourite programmes on Auntie Beeb's wonderful iPlayer. And what a superb choice of entertainment our national broadcaster offers! Drama, current affairs, light entertainment, the best in sport and music - how lucky we are to have this national institution at our fingertips. I was particularly taken by the series The Human Planet - in fact, so enthralled that I watched six episodes in one sitting! My favourite bit was when the men of the Wodaabe tribe, smeared in red paint, adorned in the feathers of the paradise bird, and looking like exotic clowns, danced manically for their womenfolk in the hope of getting a date! It was such a sight, these showboaters huffing, puffing and preening to get themselves noticed, that I was at once reminded of our useless, unelected, blushing PM's visit to Egypt! Mad I say!
Friday
Why it's time to call time on Question Time/February 18th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to give Question Time a good kicking! I have long held the view that Auntie Beeb's flagship political programme has become nothing more than a farce! The left-wing, BBC luvvies are forever cramming the panel with unsavoury individuals who do not reflect the thinking of the country as a whole - Pickles, Dunkin-Donut, Gideon Osbourne, the list is endless! I truly believe that Nick Griffin's tea was spiked with hallucinogenic drugs before he appeared, rendering him an incoherent lunatic and Holocaust-denier! We all know that cuddly Nick is a top geezer who usually speaks eloquently about all manner of wide-ranging subjects, including Nazi uniforms, Eva Braun's hair laquer and dear Adolf's love for German shepherds! But really, last night's programme took the biscuit! Whose idea was it to include bumbling stand-up comedian Nigel Farage on the panel ? It was nothing less than a blatant lefty plot to discredit the anti-EU cause! Bring back Listen With Mother I say!
Richie - How right you are to give Question Time a good kicking! I have long held the view that Auntie Beeb's flagship political programme has become nothing more than a farce! The left-wing, BBC luvvies are forever cramming the panel with unsavoury individuals who do not reflect the thinking of the country as a whole - Pickles, Dunkin-Donut, Gideon Osbourne, the list is endless! I truly believe that Nick Griffin's tea was spiked with hallucinogenic drugs before he appeared, rendering him an incoherent lunatic and Holocaust-denier! We all know that cuddly Nick is a top geezer who usually speaks eloquently about all manner of wide-ranging subjects, including Nazi uniforms, Eva Braun's hair laquer and dear Adolf's love for German shepherds! But really, last night's programme took the biscuit! Whose idea was it to include bumbling stand-up comedian Nigel Farage on the panel ? It was nothing less than a blatant lefty plot to discredit the anti-EU cause! Bring back Listen With Mother I say!
Tuesday
Those wicked 'Tory cuts' - women and children first/February 15th 2011.
Richie - I was intrigued to see a council job ad in our local newspaper, the Come-To-Piddle Blusterer, seeking two "Counselling Officers" to help people who have been scared half to death by reading Right-Wing Windbag Columnists like yourself. I made my way pronto to the local library to do further research but sadly it had already shut down. No matter, old Wob persevered, and managed to collar a council offcial in the know on the steps of county hall. Wishing to remain anonymous she said that more and more folk are becoming clinically depressed through reading the lunatic ramblings of yourself and Mel Philips. "Everybody knows Cameron is trying to palm the blame for cuts onto Tory and LibDem councils and that his Big Society is an embarrassing sham. By helping people negotiate govt propaganda in a safe and caring environment these posts will help save the NHS millions." In fact, she whispered, some people had become so obsessed with Lord Richie they wrote to him twice a week! Mad I say!
Richie - I was intrigued to see a council job ad in our local newspaper, the Come-To-Piddle Blusterer, seeking two "Counselling Officers" to help people who have been scared half to death by reading Right-Wing Windbag Columnists like yourself. I made my way pronto to the local library to do further research but sadly it had already shut down. No matter, old Wob persevered, and managed to collar a council offcial in the know on the steps of county hall. Wishing to remain anonymous she said that more and more folk are becoming clinically depressed through reading the lunatic ramblings of yourself and Mel Philips. "Everybody knows Cameron is trying to palm the blame for cuts onto Tory and LibDem councils and that his Big Society is an embarrassing sham. By helping people negotiate govt propaganda in a safe and caring environment these posts will help save the NHS millions." In fact, she whispered, some people had become so obsessed with Lord Richie they wrote to him twice a week! Mad I say!
Friday
Duck and duchesse potatoes for me, Fernando, and just a rocket salad for the bride-to-be.../February 11th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3 and her gaggle of playmates arrived at Castle Roberts to carry out rehearsals for the upcoming operatic society's spring production. The original plan, a version of Hello Dolly set in the Gorbals, has been scrapped and replaced by a new work called Dopey Dave's Big Society, written and directed by happy clappy Rev Pritchard. The musical is set in a post-apocalyptic Britain that has been decimated by spending cuts. The vile medieval thought-police persecute minorities and imprison single mothers and the unemployed are forced to work in global corporations for slave wages. Of course I did my best to ignore the screetching and wailing that passes for singing these days until it was announced that the Rev had written me a cameo role! I play a washed-up Right-wing columnist, government apologist and self-appointed windbag of the people named Dickie! How does our talented Rev think up these wonderful fictional characters I wonder ?
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3 and her gaggle of playmates arrived at Castle Roberts to carry out rehearsals for the upcoming operatic society's spring production. The original plan, a version of Hello Dolly set in the Gorbals, has been scrapped and replaced by a new work called Dopey Dave's Big Society, written and directed by happy clappy Rev Pritchard. The musical is set in a post-apocalyptic Britain that has been decimated by spending cuts. The vile medieval thought-police persecute minorities and imprison single mothers and the unemployed are forced to work in global corporations for slave wages. Of course I did my best to ignore the screetching and wailing that passes for singing these days until it was announced that the Rev had written me a cameo role! I play a washed-up Right-wing columnist, government apologist and self-appointed windbag of the people named Dickie! How does our talented Rev think up these wonderful fictional characters I wonder ?
Monday
Jungle drums and the politics of hate/February 8th 2011.
Richie - After cropping my hair, buying a pair of cherry red Dr Martens and having a swastika tattooed on my forearm, I go undercover dahn the Dog n Duck in Luton on Saturdy and infiltrate the EDL gathering. In the snug I meet up with three "patriots" named Chopper, Blubber and Psycho. "Them filthy foreigners take all our jobs" says Chopper, who's been happy on the dole for the past ten years. "Darkies eat strange food" says Blubber, tucking in to a plate of chips and curry sauce. "It's the rag-heads who are to blame for the cut in wheelie-bin collections" says Psycho, trying hard to read the cartoon in The Sun. We down several pints and march outside to greet the hundreds of thousands of EDL supporters. But, after scaring a few Asian nippers in a school playground and performing Deutchland Uber Alles with our arms held aloft, we realise that only a few hundred racist fruitcakes have bothered to turn up and about-turn to the pub for more ale and live footy! Mad in Sham-Cam's Ingurland, I say!
Richie - After cropping my hair, buying a pair of cherry red Dr Martens and having a swastika tattooed on my forearm, I go undercover dahn the Dog n Duck in Luton on Saturdy and infiltrate the EDL gathering. In the snug I meet up with three "patriots" named Chopper, Blubber and Psycho. "Them filthy foreigners take all our jobs" says Chopper, who's been happy on the dole for the past ten years. "Darkies eat strange food" says Blubber, tucking in to a plate of chips and curry sauce. "It's the rag-heads who are to blame for the cut in wheelie-bin collections" says Psycho, trying hard to read the cartoon in The Sun. We down several pints and march outside to greet the hundreds of thousands of EDL supporters. But, after scaring a few Asian nippers in a school playground and performing Deutchland Uber Alles with our arms held aloft, we realise that only a few hundred racist fruitcakes have bothered to turn up and about-turn to the pub for more ale and live footy! Mad in Sham-Cam's Ingurland, I say!
Thursday
From Cairo we go live to London where things are even worse.../February 4th 2011.
Richie - In my regal capacity as school governor I was invited to observe a sixth form Media Studies class at my local comp today. To add flavour I suggested to Miss that the young whippersnappers spent time studying your esteemed column. And study they did, Rich, perusing your hallowed words with silent vim and vigour that surprised all. Eventually a chap named Emo put up his hand and said: "Is this crap, like er, for real ?" I assured Emo that yes Lord Littlewon was indeed "for real" and represented a cherished tradition of political satire dating back to Swift. A girl with a stud through her nose shook her pretty head and said: "This really is like, er, major major crap. Nothing about tuition fees, nothing about the cuts in ed maintenance. Is this guy some kind of Right Wing fruitcake ?" I tried to defend your honour, Richie, but acknowledged that perhaps today's offering wasn't your finest hour and we moved on to a more relevant dude named Dickens. The Yoof of today, eh ?
Richie - In my regal capacity as school governor I was invited to observe a sixth form Media Studies class at my local comp today. To add flavour I suggested to Miss that the young whippersnappers spent time studying your esteemed column. And study they did, Rich, perusing your hallowed words with silent vim and vigour that surprised all. Eventually a chap named Emo put up his hand and said: "Is this crap, like er, for real ?" I assured Emo that yes Lord Littlewon was indeed "for real" and represented a cherished tradition of political satire dating back to Swift. A girl with a stud through her nose shook her pretty head and said: "This really is like, er, major major crap. Nothing about tuition fees, nothing about the cuts in ed maintenance. Is this guy some kind of Right Wing fruitcake ?" I tried to defend your honour, Richie, but acknowledged that perhaps today's offering wasn't your finest hour and we moved on to a more relevant dude named Dickens. The Yoof of today, eh ?
Tuesday
Good evening, caller, you're through to Jackboots Jacqui/February 1st 2011.
Richie - I was lounging in my comfy chair last Friday reading a biography of Le Petomane, the famous French flatulist. And what an interesting book it was! Did you know that this famous French farter didn't actually release any obnoxious gases during his stage act, being so talented that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles ? I also learned that he was by trade a baker and returned to his original profession late on in life before his death in 1945. Of course, I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to perfect my own version of the 1812 overture and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds suite, much to Mrs Bob No 3's disgust. But I must have made some progress because our next door neighbour threatened to call the fire brigade if my trumpeting didn't end! Eventually, exhausted by my noxious efforts, I remembered that Friday was the day you published your esteemed column Rich and returned to my chair! Mad I say!
Richie - I was lounging in my comfy chair last Friday reading a biography of Le Petomane, the famous French flatulist. And what an interesting book it was! Did you know that this famous French farter didn't actually release any obnoxious gases during his stage act, being so talented that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles ? I also learned that he was by trade a baker and returned to his original profession late on in life before his death in 1945. Of course, I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to perfect my own version of the 1812 overture and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds suite, much to Mrs Bob No 3's disgust. But I must have made some progress because our next door neighbour threatened to call the fire brigade if my trumpeting didn't end! Eventually, exhausted by my noxious efforts, I remembered that Friday was the day you published your esteemed column Rich and returned to my chair! Mad I say!
It's Lord Stratchclyde or Kevin Costner... Taste the Difference/January 25th 2011
Richie - Saturday afternoon we piles into the XJ6 - me, Bunty, Arthur Groat and Chopper - and heads towards Villa Park for the big evening clash with Man Citeh. All in high spirits as you can imagine singing songs about Villa's new prospective forward line Young, Bent and Keane! We have a snifter or three in the Witton Arms and then sign in to the hospitality suite for cocktail snifters and club sarnies all round. Well tanked up and fed we find our seats only to discover horror of all horrors that we're surrounded on all sides by members of the female persuasion! I mean, Rich, what is the world coming to ? Women attending footy matches! Next thing you know the blighters will be after jobs and the vote! No matter. All was forgiven when our new hero slotted home the winner. "We are Villa and we are Bent!" we sang while the girlies clapped and shouted "Ra-Ra-Ra" and "Well Done" and ate organic Ryveta crispbread with Philadelphia spread...shouldn't be allowed in a civilised country I say!
Richie - Saturday afternoon we piles into the XJ6 - me, Bunty, Arthur Groat and Chopper - and heads towards Villa Park for the big evening clash with Man Citeh. All in high spirits as you can imagine singing songs about Villa's new prospective forward line Young, Bent and Keane! We have a snifter or three in the Witton Arms and then sign in to the hospitality suite for cocktail snifters and club sarnies all round. Well tanked up and fed we find our seats only to discover horror of all horrors that we're surrounded on all sides by members of the female persuasion! I mean, Rich, what is the world coming to ? Women attending footy matches! Next thing you know the blighters will be after jobs and the vote! No matter. All was forgiven when our new hero slotted home the winner. "We are Villa and we are Bent!" we sang while the girlies clapped and shouted "Ra-Ra-Ra" and "Well Done" and ate organic Ryveta crispbread with Philadelphia spread...shouldn't be allowed in a civilised country I say!
Friday
What kind of dinner parties do you go to, Baroness?/January 21st 2011
Richie - In order to test the odious Baroness Warsi's theories about British dinner table natter, old Wob Boberts donned a hijab and black cloak-cum-dress (appropriated from our very own Reverand Pritchard's collection of clergical haute couture) and gatecrashed a few local dinner parties, passing myself off as an Afghani asylum-seeker named Brenda from Milton Keynes. First stop was Arthur Groat's annual "we hates veg" dinner for local farm labourers but all chat was replaced by grunts and burps as ten hefty navvies munched their way through pigs trotters and boiled sheep intestines. Next up was Dr Singh's oriental family finger buffet but this was cut short when the Doc's brother cornered me and interfered with my falsies. Last, I managed to sneak in to a champagne knees-up organised by the local Tory coven and I must say I was shocked by the foaming vitriol directed at the "outsiders" who they said were distorting cherished Brit values - namely the Cameroons and the pinko LibDems!
Richie - In order to test the odious Baroness Warsi's theories about British dinner table natter, old Wob Boberts donned a hijab and black cloak-cum-dress (appropriated from our very own Reverand Pritchard's collection of clergical haute couture) and gatecrashed a few local dinner parties, passing myself off as an Afghani asylum-seeker named Brenda from Milton Keynes. First stop was Arthur Groat's annual "we hates veg" dinner for local farm labourers but all chat was replaced by grunts and burps as ten hefty navvies munched their way through pigs trotters and boiled sheep intestines. Next up was Dr Singh's oriental family finger buffet but this was cut short when the Doc's brother cornered me and interfered with my falsies. Last, I managed to sneak in to a champagne knees-up organised by the local Tory coven and I must say I was shocked by the foaming vitriol directed at the "outsiders" who they said were distorting cherished Brit values - namely the Cameroons and the pinko LibDems!
Tuesday
Titter ye not, it's an Inconvenient Sooth/January 18th 2011.
Richie - It was a lazy Monday afternoon in the snug when Arthur Groat suggested we all have a wager on the content of your forthcoming column. Dr Singh said it was a dead cert that you'd at last tackle the Coulsen affair while old Arthur said Cameron's loopy ideas for "reforming" - or privatising - the NHS would be top of your agenda. Marcia Braithwaite went with bins and Gordon Brown and our landlady Frances (formerly Big Frank, BNP hardnut) suggested you'd give Blair a good kicking. Finally, I wagered that you'd devote your column to the gay and straight Worcester art students who got married as part of their degree project. Satisfied with our choices we all put a fiver in the kitty and returned to our snifters. However, my precocious 10 year old grandson Bob Roberts jnr demanded that he join in the fun too and wagered all his pocket money that you'd write an incoherent mess incorporating climate change, ancient Rome and Frankie Howerd. How we all laughed Rich! How we all laughed..
Richie - It was a lazy Monday afternoon in the snug when Arthur Groat suggested we all have a wager on the content of your forthcoming column. Dr Singh said it was a dead cert that you'd at last tackle the Coulsen affair while old Arthur said Cameron's loopy ideas for "reforming" - or privatising - the NHS would be top of your agenda. Marcia Braithwaite went with bins and Gordon Brown and our landlady Frances (formerly Big Frank, BNP hardnut) suggested you'd give Blair a good kicking. Finally, I wagered that you'd devote your column to the gay and straight Worcester art students who got married as part of their degree project. Satisfied with our choices we all put a fiver in the kitty and returned to our snifters. However, my precocious 10 year old grandson Bob Roberts jnr demanded that he join in the fun too and wagered all his pocket money that you'd write an incoherent mess incorporating climate change, ancient Rome and Frankie Howerd. How we all laughed Rich! How we all laughed..
Friday
MPs on reality TV? We've got a word for that, haven't we children!/January 14th 2011.
Richie - My precocious 10 year old grandson Bob Roberts jnr is staying with us and, as an aspiring politician who already has his beady little eye set on becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40, I've arranged for all the national newspapers to be delivered each morning so as to encourage him to read the best cutting edge political commentators of the day. I've also suggested that he read your column too, Richie, but I'm afraid he hasn't been impressed. "This Littlenutter bloke is nothing but a Tory windbag, grandad!" he said. "It's not ex-Labour MPs doing insurance commercials he should be worrying about but the appalling state of this nation under the vile, unelected CONDEM government, I say!" I tried to explain that your column was only taken seriously by a few Right-Wing nutters but he wasn't having it. "I'm going to write my own article all about troughing Tory MPs in the pay of big business" he said and promptly skipped off to enlist the help of the sweet young girl next door as his PA!
Richie - My precocious 10 year old grandson Bob Roberts jnr is staying with us and, as an aspiring politician who already has his beady little eye set on becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40, I've arranged for all the national newspapers to be delivered each morning so as to encourage him to read the best cutting edge political commentators of the day. I've also suggested that he read your column too, Richie, but I'm afraid he hasn't been impressed. "This Littlenutter bloke is nothing but a Tory windbag, grandad!" he said. "It's not ex-Labour MPs doing insurance commercials he should be worrying about but the appalling state of this nation under the vile, unelected CONDEM government, I say!" I tried to explain that your column was only taken seriously by a few Right-Wing nutters but he wasn't having it. "I'm going to write my own article all about troughing Tory MPs in the pay of big business" he said and promptly skipped off to enlist the help of the sweet young girl next door as his PA!
Monday
Need a lesson in economics, Alan? Try starting with Mr Micawber/January 10th 2011.
Richie - It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Ernest Groat, father of octagenarian spoon-playing virtuoso Arthur Groat. Old Ernie, who reached his centenary a good few years back, was a farmer, skin-flint, and whippet-whisperer renowned for his down-to-earth manner and dry as dust wit. Each day he'd hobble to the village duck pond to make sure all was spick and span before taking his seat in the snug and enjoying a snifter or three as he put the world to rights. But from May Ernie's cheerful demeanour slowly ebbed away as the vile CONDEM govts attacks on ordinary working people gathered pace. And yesterday, as lilly-livered PM ShamCam caved in on bankers' bonuses, Ernie took a sudden turn for the worse. He finally passed away this morning after reading your esteemed column, Richie. His final words were: "Oh sweet lord have mercy on my soul - I just can't take any more of Littlejohn's Tory propaganda bulls*** !" RIP Ernie I say! Your wisdom and insight will be missed!
Richie - It is with great sadness that I report the passing of Ernest Groat, father of octagenarian spoon-playing virtuoso Arthur Groat. Old Ernie, who reached his centenary a good few years back, was a farmer, skin-flint, and whippet-whisperer renowned for his down-to-earth manner and dry as dust wit. Each day he'd hobble to the village duck pond to make sure all was spick and span before taking his seat in the snug and enjoying a snifter or three as he put the world to rights. But from May Ernie's cheerful demeanour slowly ebbed away as the vile CONDEM govts attacks on ordinary working people gathered pace. And yesterday, as lilly-livered PM ShamCam caved in on bankers' bonuses, Ernie took a sudden turn for the worse. He finally passed away this morning after reading your esteemed column, Richie. His final words were: "Oh sweet lord have mercy on my soul - I just can't take any more of Littlejohn's Tory propaganda bulls*** !" RIP Ernie I say! Your wisdom and insight will be missed!
Friday
Are you being nicked? Fasten your seatbelt/January 6th 2011.
Richie - Well done for giving the vile knuckledraggers from the BNP a good kicking in your esteemed column! How dare these deranged excuses for human beings send obscene letters to Lord Billy Bragg's Dorset mansion! And if these racist animals have sent material of a similar hue to your good self, Lord Richie, you should put it in a sealed plastic bag and take it pronto to your nearest police station so that our upstanding law enforcement officers can investigate. The BNP - and EDL - constitute a threat to national security of the highest order and all members of these hideous organisations should be rounded up, put in an old fishing boat, and cast off from these shores in hope that they are never seen again! After all, these monosyllabic cretins are never going to discover a cure for cancer, eh Rich ? Peace and love to you Lord Richie! Harmony between all races I say! And if you're going to San Fransisco, Rich, make sure you wear a flower in your hair (nudge nudge wink wink!) Hic!
Richie - Well done for giving the vile knuckledraggers from the BNP a good kicking in your esteemed column! How dare these deranged excuses for human beings send obscene letters to Lord Billy Bragg's Dorset mansion! And if these racist animals have sent material of a similar hue to your good self, Lord Richie, you should put it in a sealed plastic bag and take it pronto to your nearest police station so that our upstanding law enforcement officers can investigate. The BNP - and EDL - constitute a threat to national security of the highest order and all members of these hideous organisations should be rounded up, put in an old fishing boat, and cast off from these shores in hope that they are never seen again! After all, these monosyllabic cretins are never going to discover a cure for cancer, eh Rich ? Peace and love to you Lord Richie! Harmony between all races I say! And if you're going to San Fransisco, Rich, make sure you wear a flower in your hair (nudge nudge wink wink!) Hic!
Monday
Happy New Year! And what do you think of it so far ?/January 3rd 2011.
Richie - As Mrs Bob No 3 and myself were about to descend into our nuclear bunker so as to escape the upcoming riots, VAT increases, fuel hikes and misery inflicted on us by the vile CONDEM govt, my mother arrived unexpectedly from the shires in a state of great distress. Her Land Rover, I noticed, was packed with suitcases and toiletries - always a bad sign - and I waited in nervous anticipation for an explanation. "Bob" she wailed. "It's all over! After 50 years as a member I've finally left the Tory party in protest at the savage cuts imposed on pensioners. What's more" she snivelled "I've sold my flat and come to stay with you for a few months. Tell the maid to put my bags in my room, will you!" After a few snifters she at last calmed herself and I promised to help find her a new political party to join. Of course, as a frothing Tory fruitcake she loathes Nigel Farage and UKIP, hates Griffin and the BNP, and despises Labour with all of her being, so there's only one alternative: Monster Raving Loony Party here she comes I say!
Richie - As Mrs Bob No 3 and myself were about to descend into our nuclear bunker so as to escape the upcoming riots, VAT increases, fuel hikes and misery inflicted on us by the vile CONDEM govt, my mother arrived unexpectedly from the shires in a state of great distress. Her Land Rover, I noticed, was packed with suitcases and toiletries - always a bad sign - and I waited in nervous anticipation for an explanation. "Bob" she wailed. "It's all over! After 50 years as a member I've finally left the Tory party in protest at the savage cuts imposed on pensioners. What's more" she snivelled "I've sold my flat and come to stay with you for a few months. Tell the maid to put my bags in my room, will you!" After a few snifters she at last calmed herself and I promised to help find her a new political party to join. Of course, as a frothing Tory fruitcake she loathes Nigel Farage and UKIP, hates Griffin and the BNP, and despises Labour with all of her being, so there's only one alternative: Monster Raving Loony Party here she comes I say!
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