HOW MUCH to watch Eric Pickles eat his weight in sausages?/March 26th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to launch a withering attack on unelected Shameron's tete-our-tetes in No 10 with assorted spivs, whingers and naer'do wells from the Citeh! Surely, Lord Rich, it can't be long now before the vile Coagulation government crumbles beneath the weight of its own sleaze and ineptitude! Like Old Wob, I bet you're sick of the daily parroting of the Tory party line by the likes of Maudlin Maude, Iain Dunkin Donut and Count Gideon the Impaler - propaganda cooked up by the billionaires attending Wisteria's 250k soirees. Privatising the NHS, dismantling the welfare state, a property building free-for-all, driving down wages to slave labour levels - and if anyone complains blame it all on Labour! Thank the lord you've now seen the light and are standing shoulder to shoulder with the honest working men and women who are the backbone of this great country! A triumph Lord Richie! You have cemented your place as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist! (Have you considered standing as a Labour MP in 2015 ?)(Hic!)
Tuesday
Thursday
PortaShrine - ideal for all your instant grief needs!/March 23rd 2012.
Richie - How we guffawed and tittered at the thought of all the yoghurt-knitting Lefties complaining about Tuesday's article in which you rightly moan about the goodwill shown by ordinary folk to Patrice Muamba. And it makes an Englishman proud, Lord Richie, to see you today mounting a sterling defence of your esteemed column! Why, it put me in mind of Shakespeare 'imself when, in one of the plays what he wrote, he scribbled the immortal line "The lady doth protest too much". But I must say the coup de grace is your inspired idea for a Portashrine! Genius sir! Genius I say! And why not a Porta-Right-Wing-Windbag to accompany the Portashrine to those not-so-sacred sites for murdered prozzies! The mechanical Windbag (batteries included) would be guaranteed to cause a grade 1 stink with its wilted prose, tatty research and badly written claptrap! "Up yours" it would wheeze. "The tarts were never gonna find a cure for cancer!" Why, you and Kelvin McKenzie could flog millions I say (Hic!)
Richie - How we guffawed and tittered at the thought of all the yoghurt-knitting Lefties complaining about Tuesday's article in which you rightly moan about the goodwill shown by ordinary folk to Patrice Muamba. And it makes an Englishman proud, Lord Richie, to see you today mounting a sterling defence of your esteemed column! Why, it put me in mind of Shakespeare 'imself when, in one of the plays what he wrote, he scribbled the immortal line "The lady doth protest too much". But I must say the coup de grace is your inspired idea for a Portashrine! Genius sir! Genius I say! And why not a Porta-Right-Wing-Windbag to accompany the Portashrine to those not-so-sacred sites for murdered prozzies! The mechanical Windbag (batteries included) would be guaranteed to cause a grade 1 stink with its wilted prose, tatty research and badly written claptrap! "Up yours" it would wheeze. "The tarts were never gonna find a cure for cancer!" Why, you and Kelvin McKenzie could flog millions I say (Hic!)
Tuesday
Pray 4 Muamba, but less of the fake tears/March 19th 2012
Richie - Only last night, while watching Paxo's uni quiz show, Mrs Bob No 3 and I heard the most frightful wailing from down the road. Well,I rolled up my copy of the DM, put on my protective goggles and went out to investigate. Would you Adam and Eve it, poor Marcia Braithwaite, local burlesque queen of these parts, was shreiking for all she was worth with her poor 92 year old mum lying prostate on the floor after a coronary attack! Needless to say, Old Wob swung into action. After calming Marcia and telling her to ring for an ambulance I proceeded, after taking out mum Braithwaite's false nashers, to give resusitation and defibrilisation as well as providing comfort and succour to the old bird by singing a medley of Motown favourites before the paramedics arrived. Glad to say Marcia's mum is doing fine but thought, Lord Richie, you'd give her a shout-out in your esteemed column, in the same manner that you asked for tea and sympathy when your dear old mumsy was ill. Pray4Braithwaite I say!
Richie - Only last night, while watching Paxo's uni quiz show, Mrs Bob No 3 and I heard the most frightful wailing from down the road. Well,I rolled up my copy of the DM, put on my protective goggles and went out to investigate. Would you Adam and Eve it, poor Marcia Braithwaite, local burlesque queen of these parts, was shreiking for all she was worth with her poor 92 year old mum lying prostate on the floor after a coronary attack! Needless to say, Old Wob swung into action. After calming Marcia and telling her to ring for an ambulance I proceeded, after taking out mum Braithwaite's false nashers, to give resusitation and defibrilisation as well as providing comfort and succour to the old bird by singing a medley of Motown favourites before the paramedics arrived. Glad to say Marcia's mum is doing fine but thought, Lord Richie, you'd give her a shout-out in your esteemed column, in the same manner that you asked for tea and sympathy when your dear old mumsy was ill. Pray4Braithwaite I say!
Friday
Coalition Airways - this one was never going to fly/March 15th 2012.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and myself experienced pre-flight turbulence at Heathrow airport en route to gay Paree for a recent weekend of sightseeing and ohh la la. Old Wob was summarily pulled over by over zealous security and forced to undergo a humiliating search after the scanner went beserk and regurgitated my baggage. All of my hand luggage was explored in full view of other passengers and I must say the security wallahs took great pleasure in holiding up my spandex as well as the gels, sprays and boxes of setting perm that holds my comb-over in place! As you can imagine, Rich, Old Wob was fuming especially when no reason could be found for the disruption. "I'll be writing to Lord Littlejohn. Britain's bestest columnist, about this gross intrusion of my yuman rights" I boomed to which the security staff tittered and said: "No one listens to that right-wing windbag anyway" before emptying out my luggage once again! It's mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's loony Britain I say!
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and myself experienced pre-flight turbulence at Heathrow airport en route to gay Paree for a recent weekend of sightseeing and ohh la la. Old Wob was summarily pulled over by over zealous security and forced to undergo a humiliating search after the scanner went beserk and regurgitated my baggage. All of my hand luggage was explored in full view of other passengers and I must say the security wallahs took great pleasure in holiding up my spandex as well as the gels, sprays and boxes of setting perm that holds my comb-over in place! As you can imagine, Rich, Old Wob was fuming especially when no reason could be found for the disruption. "I'll be writing to Lord Littlejohn. Britain's bestest columnist, about this gross intrusion of my yuman rights" I boomed to which the security staff tittered and said: "No one listens to that right-wing windbag anyway" before emptying out my luggage once again! It's mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's loony Britain I say!
Tuesday
Have you gone stark staring skyclad, Fletch?/March 13th 2012.
Richie - Thank God & St George that you're back! We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle have been holding candlelit vigils near the duck pond praying for your safe return! Needless to say your long absence from the unbiased pages of the DM gave rise to many an intrepid rumour. Old Arthur Groat of this parish was convinced you were on a secret mission to Syria, dodging snipers and death squads to uncover the truth of the bloody uprising. Marcia Braithwaite said Lord Richie was more likely to be embedded in Afghanistan, asking how in the name of sweet Jesus sixteen Afghani women and children could sleep-walk in front of that poor, stressed-out US Seal's assault rifle. Old Wob, though, thought Britain's bestest columnist was taking our unelected govt to task for making a right old Eton mess of our beloved National Health Service. However, it was a dopey bird standing in the village snug who guessed correctly that you were busy recycling 70s fodder which only goes to prove that even genius such as yourself has the occasional off day...or 2...or 7...or...10...or...Zzzzzzzz...(Hic!)
Richie - Thank God & St George that you're back! We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle have been holding candlelit vigils near the duck pond praying for your safe return! Needless to say your long absence from the unbiased pages of the DM gave rise to many an intrepid rumour. Old Arthur Groat of this parish was convinced you were on a secret mission to Syria, dodging snipers and death squads to uncover the truth of the bloody uprising. Marcia Braithwaite said Lord Richie was more likely to be embedded in Afghanistan, asking how in the name of sweet Jesus sixteen Afghani women and children could sleep-walk in front of that poor, stressed-out US Seal's assault rifle. Old Wob, though, thought Britain's bestest columnist was taking our unelected govt to task for making a right old Eton mess of our beloved National Health Service. However, it was a dopey bird standing in the village snug who guessed correctly that you were busy recycling 70s fodder which only goes to prove that even genius such as yourself has the occasional off day...or 2...or 7...or...10...or...Zzzzzzzz...(Hic!)
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