Welcome home - to an avalanche of junk mail!/August 31st 2010.
Richie - I was lounging in my outdoor comfy chair with a Bank Holiday snifter when I heard the unmistakable sound of Ma Roberts' Range Rover crushing the gravel on my drive. My mother, a feisty 75 year old Tory activist from the shires, has a habit of making unannounced visits, usually when she is engulfed in some sort of crisis. And sure enough, once she had reduced my Thai wife to tears by calling her "the maid" and parked her ample suitcase in the spare room, she began to unburden herself of her woes. "I've had it with this foul Coalition govt" she gasped. "The Tory party is now a mish-mash of Liberals, wets, and others who belong in the bally SWP! They're cutting this, cutting that - even talking about getting rid of the fuel allowance! And horror of horrors, news is we're going to share an aircraft carrier with the awful French!" Later, in the snug, she heard the news they were disbanding the Gurkhas and was last seen sobbing near the duck pond and calling for Gordon's return!
Tuesday
Friday
A walkway for dormice is a bridge too far.../August 27th 2010.
Richie - Mrs Bob No 3 and her pals from the amateur operatic society have been hijacking Castle Roberts as they begin rehearsals for their autumn production of Hello Dolly, set during the time of the Black Death. Needless to say, yours truly is turfed out from his comfy chair and told not to return until the day's warbling and screetching has ended. I usually go to the snug for a snifter or two but this morning decided to venture to the nearby forest. Oh the joy of nature, Richie! I spotted foxes, badgers, squirrels, all manner of winged creature - and also dormice by the dozen, scurrying between the trees as they stocked their underground larders with whatever it is dormice eat. In fact, I was so taken by these delightful creatures that I captured three in my tuck box and took them home as pets, which sent Mrs Bob's am dram group fleeing and screaming from the house pronto vowing never to return! 200k seems the least we can do if it allows Wob to re-claim his comfy chair I say!
Richie - Mrs Bob No 3 and her pals from the amateur operatic society have been hijacking Castle Roberts as they begin rehearsals for their autumn production of Hello Dolly, set during the time of the Black Death. Needless to say, yours truly is turfed out from his comfy chair and told not to return until the day's warbling and screetching has ended. I usually go to the snug for a snifter or two but this morning decided to venture to the nearby forest. Oh the joy of nature, Richie! I spotted foxes, badgers, squirrels, all manner of winged creature - and also dormice by the dozen, scurrying between the trees as they stocked their underground larders with whatever it is dormice eat. In fact, I was so taken by these delightful creatures that I captured three in my tuck box and took them home as pets, which sent Mrs Bob's am dram group fleeing and screaming from the house pronto vowing never to return! 200k seems the least we can do if it allows Wob to re-claim his comfy chair I say!
Tuesday
Since when was a Ladyshave razor tax deductible?/August 24th 2010.
Richie - As Mrs Bob No 3 has corralled Castle Roberts for a rehearsal of the local amateur operatic society (this year's offering is Hello Dolly set during the time of the Black Death) I decided to slope off to the local snug for a full English and snifter. It's now six months since our landlady, green campaigner Frances -formerly Big Frank, BNP local hard-nut - underwent his/her gender-bending operation. It's all worked out jolly fine, especially with Frank/Frances' wife and kids who are overjoyed at having two mums for the price of one. Needless to say Frances read your esteemed column today with interest. "Richard is so macho" she purred. "He writes about gay and transgender issues with such passion that I have a sneaky feeling he's a closet queenie. What do you think Bob ?" Well, I almost choked on my chipolata! In fact the thought of Lord Littlewon camping it up in his star-spangled boxers at G.A.Y put me right off my brekkie and I legged it pronto! Mad in Cam's loonybin UK innit!
Richie - As Mrs Bob No 3 has corralled Castle Roberts for a rehearsal of the local amateur operatic society (this year's offering is Hello Dolly set during the time of the Black Death) I decided to slope off to the local snug for a full English and snifter. It's now six months since our landlady, green campaigner Frances -formerly Big Frank, BNP local hard-nut - underwent his/her gender-bending operation. It's all worked out jolly fine, especially with Frank/Frances' wife and kids who are overjoyed at having two mums for the price of one. Needless to say Frances read your esteemed column today with interest. "Richard is so macho" she purred. "He writes about gay and transgender issues with such passion that I have a sneaky feeling he's a closet queenie. What do you think Bob ?" Well, I almost choked on my chipolata! In fact the thought of Lord Littlewon camping it up in his star-spangled boxers at G.A.Y put me right off my brekkie and I legged it pronto! Mad in Cam's loonybin UK innit!
Friday
It's yet another fine mess as councils fight dog dirt menace/August 20th 2010.
Richie - This morning my precocious 10 year old grandson was busy doing his mock-Oxbridge entrance exams when I suggested he take a break, enjoy a soda-pop and read your esteemed column. You see having declared his intention to become Britain's Labour PM in the year 2050 I've been keen to engage him in the great issues of the day. After giving your column the once over he looked up and snorted: "Blimey, grandad - this Littlejohn bloke is on to a good thing! A few hundred words about dog poo, the usual Blair, BBC and plod-bashing...and you say he's paid a fortune for writing this garbage ?" As usual, Richie, I defended your honour. "Lord Littlewon is one of this country's foremost thinkers" I said. "Well" said Bob jnr "when I'm PM I'm going to appoint him Head Poo Cleaner of the UK's parks and pavements. It's about time serial moaners like him stepped up to the plate I reckon!" and before I could answer young Bob had skipped off to play PMQs with the girl next door. Kids today eh Rich?
Richie - This morning my precocious 10 year old grandson was busy doing his mock-Oxbridge entrance exams when I suggested he take a break, enjoy a soda-pop and read your esteemed column. You see having declared his intention to become Britain's Labour PM in the year 2050 I've been keen to engage him in the great issues of the day. After giving your column the once over he looked up and snorted: "Blimey, grandad - this Littlejohn bloke is on to a good thing! A few hundred words about dog poo, the usual Blair, BBC and plod-bashing...and you say he's paid a fortune for writing this garbage ?" As usual, Richie, I defended your honour. "Lord Littlewon is one of this country's foremost thinkers" I said. "Well" said Bob jnr "when I'm PM I'm going to appoint him Head Poo Cleaner of the UK's parks and pavements. It's about time serial moaners like him stepped up to the plate I reckon!" and before I could answer young Bob had skipped off to play PMQs with the girl next door. Kids today eh Rich?
Thursday
If a mosque opens at Ground Zero on 9/11 next year, Obama can kiss the White House goodbye/August 19th 2010.
Richie - My precocious 10 year old grandson, Bob Roberts III, is staying with us and, having declared his intention to become Britain's PM in 2050, I've been probing his opinions on the great issues of the day. As usual he read through your esteemed column with interest. After doing so he scratched his head and said: "Does Littlejohn actually get paid for writing this right-wing nonsense ?" I assured him that as one of the country's foremost intellectuals Lord Littlewon does indeed get paid for his witterings. "Well" said Bob jnr, "as I understand it, the perpetrators of 9/11 were a bunch of authoritarian fanatics. By supporting the building of a mosque at ground zero Obama is merely upholding the sacred principles of Western democratic freedom. And anyway, in the US, religion and the state are seperate. Doesn't Littlejohn know that ?" Before I could answer young Bob had heard the alluring jingle of the ice cream van and run off to spend his pocket money. Kids today, eh Rich ?
Richie - My precocious 10 year old grandson, Bob Roberts III, is staying with us and, having declared his intention to become Britain's PM in 2050, I've been probing his opinions on the great issues of the day. As usual he read through your esteemed column with interest. After doing so he scratched his head and said: "Does Littlejohn actually get paid for writing this right-wing nonsense ?" I assured him that as one of the country's foremost intellectuals Lord Littlewon does indeed get paid for his witterings. "Well" said Bob jnr, "as I understand it, the perpetrators of 9/11 were a bunch of authoritarian fanatics. By supporting the building of a mosque at ground zero Obama is merely upholding the sacred principles of Western democratic freedom. And anyway, in the US, religion and the state are seperate. Doesn't Littlejohn know that ?" Before I could answer young Bob had heard the alluring jingle of the ice cream van and run off to spend his pocket money. Kids today, eh Rich ?
Monday
The secret diary of Nick Clegg aged 43¾ (with apologies to Sue Townsend)/August 17th 2010.
Richie - We've got my 10 year old grandson, young Bob Roberts III, staying with us for a week. He's a bright little lad and has decided to become Labour Prime Minister around the year 2050 in order to repair the damage caused by successive Tory governments. As part of his apprenticeship I make him read the DM every day so that he gets a balanced, non-partisan view of national events. After studiously perusing your esteemed column today he looked at me and snorted: "Blimey - there are kids in year 2 at my school who can write better political satire than this garbage!" Naturally, Richie, I sprang to your defence. "I'll have you know that Lord Richie Littlewon of Windbag Way is the bestest and most favourite political columnist in all the land!" "Well" said young Bob "if he's the best, god help the worst! If I was Sue Townsend I'd be on the blower to my lawyers right now!" And with that he ran off into the garden to play MPs and interns with the girl next door. Kids of today, eh Rich!
Richie - We've got my 10 year old grandson, young Bob Roberts III, staying with us for a week. He's a bright little lad and has decided to become Labour Prime Minister around the year 2050 in order to repair the damage caused by successive Tory governments. As part of his apprenticeship I make him read the DM every day so that he gets a balanced, non-partisan view of national events. After studiously perusing your esteemed column today he looked at me and snorted: "Blimey - there are kids in year 2 at my school who can write better political satire than this garbage!" Naturally, Richie, I sprang to your defence. "I'll have you know that Lord Richie Littlewon of Windbag Way is the bestest and most favourite political columnist in all the land!" "Well" said young Bob "if he's the best, god help the worst! If I was Sue Townsend I'd be on the blower to my lawyers right now!" And with that he ran off into the garden to play MPs and interns with the girl next door. Kids of today, eh Rich!
Tuesday
Juliet Bravo is taking the proverbial by splashing the cash on Shewees/August 10th 2010.
Richie - With profits at Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U going through the roof on the back of the vile, unelected Con-Dem government's public sector cuts I've jetted off on yet another foreign jolly jaunt with Mrs Bob No 3, this time to her sunny homeland Thailand. And would you adam and eve it, while enjoying a pre-lunch snifter at a sports bar in downtown Bangkok I ran into one of your biggest fans! Ex-con "Chopper" Douglas fled from Blighty in the late 90s after being persued by HM plod for GBH and money laundering. "Lttlejohn's right on the money" he told me. "Ex-pats like me look forward to takin' a peek at Richie's esteemed column every Tuesday and Friday. He writes wot we fink! The UK's goin' down the plughole! BNP and EDL all the way mate!" You'll be pleased to know, Rich, that "Chopper" is back on the straight and narrow, happily married to his ladyboy friend Supaporn and awaiting his gender-bending re-alignment op on the NHS! Mad outside Sham n Cleggie's loony UK innit!
Richie - With profits at Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U going through the roof on the back of the vile, unelected Con-Dem government's public sector cuts I've jetted off on yet another foreign jolly jaunt with Mrs Bob No 3, this time to her sunny homeland Thailand. And would you adam and eve it, while enjoying a pre-lunch snifter at a sports bar in downtown Bangkok I ran into one of your biggest fans! Ex-con "Chopper" Douglas fled from Blighty in the late 90s after being persued by HM plod for GBH and money laundering. "Lttlejohn's right on the money" he told me. "Ex-pats like me look forward to takin' a peek at Richie's esteemed column every Tuesday and Friday. He writes wot we fink! The UK's goin' down the plughole! BNP and EDL all the way mate!" You'll be pleased to know, Rich, that "Chopper" is back on the straight and narrow, happily married to his ladyboy friend Supaporn and awaiting his gender-bending re-alignment op on the NHS! Mad outside Sham n Cleggie's loony UK innit!
Friday
Who wants to be a billionaire? Brits sadly lacking in the 40 super-rich giving away fortunes/August 6th 2010.
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair stroking the silky hindquarters of Mrs Bob No 3's pet ferret when I received a letter imploring me to support a new charitable cause. As a well-known small businessman of this parish - and with my company, Bob Roberts' Security Services 4 U, doing very nicely thank you on the back of public sector cuts - I'm often asked to provide philanthropic donations. I usually refuse, in the simple belief that it is governments' job to keep the homeless housed and the vulnerable protected, not poor old Wob Boberts'. That said, the project in need of support that appeared through my letterbox fired my imagination. The Gay & Lesbian Asylum Seekers' Yoghurt Knitting & Organic Lentil Centre offer abused people the opportunity to unleash their creative potential in a peaceful, non-threatening environment. I'm sure you'll agree, Richie, it's a very worthy cause. I donated £100 and I urge DM readers to do the same. Support Sham n Cleggie's Big Society I say!
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair stroking the silky hindquarters of Mrs Bob No 3's pet ferret when I received a letter imploring me to support a new charitable cause. As a well-known small businessman of this parish - and with my company, Bob Roberts' Security Services 4 U, doing very nicely thank you on the back of public sector cuts - I'm often asked to provide philanthropic donations. I usually refuse, in the simple belief that it is governments' job to keep the homeless housed and the vulnerable protected, not poor old Wob Boberts'. That said, the project in need of support that appeared through my letterbox fired my imagination. The Gay & Lesbian Asylum Seekers' Yoghurt Knitting & Organic Lentil Centre offer abused people the opportunity to unleash their creative potential in a peaceful, non-threatening environment. I'm sure you'll agree, Richie, it's a very worthy cause. I donated £100 and I urge DM readers to do the same. Support Sham n Cleggie's Big Society I say!
Tuesday
And the same to you, Jackboots!/August 3rd 2010.
Richie - There was an unsavoury incident in the snug a few days ago involving your esteemed column! I'd ambled down to our local after a late breakfast and was sitting reading the DM with Arthur Groat, Dr Singh and Marcia Braithwaite when a stranger entered and ordered a large g n t. It so happened that, as I turned to your latest dirge and began to read, the stranger in question gave out a loud snort and proclaimed: "Pah! Littlejohn! He's just a useless, fat, ugly, untalented, right-wing rent-a-gob who should be put against a wall and shot!" Well, Richie - the atmosphere could've been cut with a butter knife! Needless to say, I stood and defended your good reputation. "How dare you say such a thing about Lord Littlewon!" I shouted. "I'll have you know that he may well be a useless, ugly, untalented, right-wing rent-a-gob but he certainly isn't fat! He's just big-boned!" whereupon the lentil-knitting, yoghurt-munching bounder scarpered pronto! Mad in Sham n Cleggy's loonybin uk innit!
Richie - There was an unsavoury incident in the snug a few days ago involving your esteemed column! I'd ambled down to our local after a late breakfast and was sitting reading the DM with Arthur Groat, Dr Singh and Marcia Braithwaite when a stranger entered and ordered a large g n t. It so happened that, as I turned to your latest dirge and began to read, the stranger in question gave out a loud snort and proclaimed: "Pah! Littlejohn! He's just a useless, fat, ugly, untalented, right-wing rent-a-gob who should be put against a wall and shot!" Well, Richie - the atmosphere could've been cut with a butter knife! Needless to say, I stood and defended your good reputation. "How dare you say such a thing about Lord Littlewon!" I shouted. "I'll have you know that he may well be a useless, ugly, untalented, right-wing rent-a-gob but he certainly isn't fat! He's just big-boned!" whereupon the lentil-knitting, yoghurt-munching bounder scarpered pronto! Mad in Sham n Cleggy's loonybin uk innit!
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