Put your trousers on, Worzel... you're nicked/November 16th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by a strange and unsettlingly loud whirring noise coming from the direction of the garden. Well, I put on my safety glasses and rolled up my copy of the DM for protection and proceeded in an orderly manner outside to see what all the fuss was about. Would you Adam n Eve it, Rich, I was confronted by the sight of a police helicopter landing adjacent to my vegetable patch! After the rotor blades had spun their course out jumped a couple of plods tooled up to the hilt and brandishing automatic weapons. I was about to complain in the boldest terms about this invasion of my privacy when one of the plods alerted me that a vile journalist was on the loose poking his red-top nose into hard working people's bins in persuit of saucy tittle-tattle to fill up the pages of his rag. Needless to say our heroic plod nabbed the critter within minutes and hauled him into the boot of their chopper. The sooner Leverson clamps down on these feral journos the better I say!

Run for your life — it’s the Nonce Finder General/November 9th 2012.

Richie - As a dedicated socialist, small businessman, Labour activist and all round Obama fan of these parts, Old Wob was invited dahn to the smoke in order to celebrate the great man's re-election with Democrats Abroad, a fine, upstanding organisation comprising many well-heeled Obama supporters based in the UK. And so, kitted out in a new whistle and flute, and with the Roberts comb-over neatly in place, I hot-footed it to a swanky West End hotel to dance into the early hours with our Democratic cousins from across the Pond. Unfortunately, I lubricated myself with too many pre-party snifters and, jumping in the taxi at King's Cross, told the driver to to take me pronto to the Yanks Abroad post-election do. When asked which colour I supported I naturally said red, forgetting that the political colours in the US election are reversed from our own. I walked in to the hotel singing Obama's praises and "4 more years" only to realise that I'd been dropped at the GOP post election wake and was surrounded by assorted misogynists, gun-toting fruitcakes, racists, homophobes and all manner of lunatics in between, whereupon Old Wob turned into Worcester's Usain Bolt and made a hasty getaway! Mad I say! (Hic!)

This thief claimed thousands of pounds in fake expenses, yet he's protected by Parliament/November 6th 2012.

Richie - Well, we've all gathered in the snug to cheer on President Obama in his quest to win another term of office. And I must say it's looking good, Richie. All those fruitcake proclamations and downright lies by the Right wing windbags, saying that Obama would ship jobs to China, that women who get raped should grin and bear it, that 47 per cent of the American people aren't worth bothering asbout...all of these things showed the American Right for what they are - undemocratic, anti-American and a security risk to a great nation that was once admired by all. Let's hope that we now see the true buccaneering spirit of America under the leadership of this truly great President! All true Americans should now unite behind Obama I say and put aside their petty differences for the greater good. And shouldn't Tory dipstick Iaiain Dunkin Donut now resign after his inappropriate backing of Romney ? Well done Barack and Michelle Obama and all liberal Democrats! Four more years I say! (Hic!)

Welcome to London's hottest new nightspot - the Life On Mars lounge at The Yard/November 2nd 2012.

Richie - I read with great interest this week, in the pages of the world's greatest newspaper the Daily Mail no less, that Lord Coe has credited Cherie Blair with winning the Olympics for London !?! Who would have believed it, Lord Wichie ? The wife of our former illustrious Labour PM gave old Chirac a right rollicking when he sounded off about British cuisine, causing him to flee from the lobbying hall and miss out on potentially crucial votes! Let's hope that Cherie is soon elevated to the upper echelons of public office! But what a contrast with the flow of filth that has been uncovered from the Thatcher years! Our electricity, water, & media is now in the hands of foreign owners; the trains are worse than they were in Victorian times; the Tory deregulation of the 80s has led to an economic tsunami; and now Mrs Thatcher's best pal is revealed as a predatory paedophile of the highest order! The Thatcher regime was a national disgrace I say! What other horrors are lurking in the Tory cupboards I wonder ? (Hic!)