He Who Dares Burgles.../September 7th 2012.

Richie- Would you Adam and Eve it! A vile burglar was caught red-handed in our village only last week! The critter broke into the multi-pound mansion of a local hard working hedge fund manager, crept into the kitchen and stole a tin of sardines from the fridge. It just so happened that one of my crack team of immigrant security guards was patrolling the area and apprehended the naer-do-well. We were surprised, Rich, when the burglar turned out to be an 82 year old female pensioner and well known bag lady of these parts. Needless to say she gave some cock n bull story about government cuts and her inability to pay soaring heating bills but we didn't buy a word of it. Many villagers wanted to carry out summary punishment with the hedge fund manager suggesting we cut off her hands and tying them round her neck as a warning to other thieves. In the end we gave her ten minutes in the village ducking stool and told the sodden old hag to sling her hook. These vile specimens need to be taught a lesson as I'm sure you'll agree I say! (Hic! Fart!)