RBS: How to make a pig's ear out of a dog's breakfast/January 31st 2012.
Richie - As a much respected small businessman of these parts and head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I've been taking great interest in the goings on at RBS and the furore over top executive pay. Needless to say, in line with my staunch Labour principles, my company is well known for fair treatment of its workers. For example, when my supervising manager, Freddie "Ten Bellies" Wilson recently announced he was about to become a father for the ninth time at the ripe age of 58 Old Wob dug into the company coffers and shelled out for a mothercare baby pack and six cans of Boddingtons to wet the baby's head without hesitation. So, imagine my surprise when I emerged from my office yesterday to be confronted by my bolshie workforce demanding to see details of my salary, perks, bonuses and offshore accounts! "We want to know if we're all in it together, Bob" they said. Well, Richie, in the best traditions of Socialism I told em to mind their effing business and get back to work pronto else they'd all be up the road with their P45s!
Tuesday
At this rate we'll all be selling The Big Issue/January 24th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to have yet another (yawn!) hissy fit (yawn!) about the Trotskyite Leninist Pol-Pottist nest of communist vipers that is the BBC! How dare Evan Davis ask Iain Dunkin Donut pertinent questions about the Coagulation's desire to strip hard working families, who've paid tax and NI, of their right to claim decent benefits when Wisteria and Gideon chuck em all on the dole! The Beeb's anti-Right Wing bias is clear for all to see I say! Why, only this morning, that legendery bolshevik Quentin Letts was to be seen sitting on the breakfast sofa spouting his left-wing madness! And hardly a week goes by without Amanda "Castro" Platell, Kelvin "Stalin" McKenzie and "Red" Mel Philips cropping up on the airwaves to trouser a few more of Auntie's tax-payer funded shillings! Who knows, one day we might even see Richard "Brezshnev" Littlejohn on Question Time blowing his over-exposed hooter, although I doubt it - even the biased, lop-sided, loopy Beeb has standards! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have yet another (yawn!) hissy fit (yawn!) about the Trotskyite Leninist Pol-Pottist nest of communist vipers that is the BBC! How dare Evan Davis ask Iain Dunkin Donut pertinent questions about the Coagulation's desire to strip hard working families, who've paid tax and NI, of their right to claim decent benefits when Wisteria and Gideon chuck em all on the dole! The Beeb's anti-Right Wing bias is clear for all to see I say! Why, only this morning, that legendery bolshevik Quentin Letts was to be seen sitting on the breakfast sofa spouting his left-wing madness! And hardly a week goes by without Amanda "Castro" Platell, Kelvin "Stalin" McKenzie and "Red" Mel Philips cropping up on the airwaves to trouser a few more of Auntie's tax-payer funded shillings! Who knows, one day we might even see Richard "Brezshnev" Littlejohn on Question Time blowing his over-exposed hooter, although I doubt it - even the biased, lop-sided, loopy Beeb has standards! (Hic!)
Friday
Sorry, you can’t phone a friend, Mummy.../January 20th 2012.
Richie - Well I must say your quite brilliant and inventive column today made the Roberts household titter with unashamed glee as we breakfasted this morning! Who would have thought that the bestest columnist in the land would devote almost an entire article to "challenging" kids questions a la Outnumbered ? In fact, Rich, such was the sheer wonderfulness of your prose that I fired up the Jag and went hurtling down to the local school with my copy of the DM and collared my grandson and his mates at play. I gathered them round and made them read your hallowed prose so as to instill some much-needed vim and vigour into their tiny feral heads. The glazed look in their eyes was enough to confirm that they were indeed reading pure unadulterated genius. And as I walked back to the car I heard Bob jnr say: "What's the point of right wing windbags like Littlejohn ?" to which his chums answered as one "Dunno!" That's the bulldog spirit this country needs I say! Well done Lord Richie! (Hic!)
Richie - Well I must say your quite brilliant and inventive column today made the Roberts household titter with unashamed glee as we breakfasted this morning! Who would have thought that the bestest columnist in the land would devote almost an entire article to "challenging" kids questions a la Outnumbered ? In fact, Rich, such was the sheer wonderfulness of your prose that I fired up the Jag and went hurtling down to the local school with my copy of the DM and collared my grandson and his mates at play. I gathered them round and made them read your hallowed prose so as to instill some much-needed vim and vigour into their tiny feral heads. The glazed look in their eyes was enough to confirm that they were indeed reading pure unadulterated genius. And as I walked back to the car I heard Bob jnr say: "What's the point of right wing windbags like Littlejohn ?" to which his chums answered as one "Dunno!" That's the bulldog spirit this country needs I say! Well done Lord Richie! (Hic!)
Tuesday
The worst job I ever had...An Ed Miliband lookalike/January 17th 2012.
Richie - With the Tory-led Coagulation's recession now upon us it was discovered that poor old Arthur Groat and his wife have been living on porridge and stewed grass since Crimbo and heating their cottage with dried fieldmouse droppings. With octagenarian Arthur not far off the knacker's yard it was suggested that his missus find gainful employment to supplement their meagre pension. But, with the UK jobmarket sinking faster than an Italian cruise ship, what hope could there be for an ugly bird in her late sixties with no experience of the real world ? It was only when we were perusing photos of DM columnists that Mrs Groat's true life vocation was found! Yes, she's now become a Rich Littlejohn double! EDL binge-drinking nights, BNP German-themed get-togethers, the Young Conservative Pinochet Appreciation dinner and dance - work has been flooding in! The real crowd pleaser is when she shouts out "They wuz only 6 dopey prozzies from Ipswich!" sending right-wing windbags from across the country into rapture! Nice work if you can stomach it I say!
Richie - With the Tory-led Coagulation's recession now upon us it was discovered that poor old Arthur Groat and his wife have been living on porridge and stewed grass since Crimbo and heating their cottage with dried fieldmouse droppings. With octagenarian Arthur not far off the knacker's yard it was suggested that his missus find gainful employment to supplement their meagre pension. But, with the UK jobmarket sinking faster than an Italian cruise ship, what hope could there be for an ugly bird in her late sixties with no experience of the real world ? It was only when we were perusing photos of DM columnists that Mrs Groat's true life vocation was found! Yes, she's now become a Rich Littlejohn double! EDL binge-drinking nights, BNP German-themed get-togethers, the Young Conservative Pinochet Appreciation dinner and dance - work has been flooding in! The real crowd pleaser is when she shouts out "They wuz only 6 dopey prozzies from Ipswich!" sending right-wing windbags from across the country into rapture! Nice work if you can stomach it I say!
Saturday
Good evening, I'm from Ethics, in case you couldn't tell!/January 13th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to wax lyrical about the heroic men and women from our esteemed newspapers who risk life and liver to bring us the latest about Fergie's shenanigans, Giggsy's deceptions and Imogen's unselfish knockers! Where would the great British public be without this daily dose of gossip n hearsay ? In fact, Rich, it was Young Wob's greatest disappointment that he didn't cut the mustard as a journo and strive to become Britain's bestest columnist like what you are. Aged 16, employed by the Cum-to-Piddle Blower as a trainee reporter, I was sent on my first journalistic mission to file a piece about a wayward moggie who was stuck up a tree. Little did I know but the moggie in question belonged to a high ranking minister and, after a day's investigation at his country pile, we put the paper to bed with the headline TORY MP PINES FOR LOST PERSIAN PUSSY whereupon the editor was sacked and Old Wob told he'd never file another sentence in a British newspaper again! Mad I say!
Richie - How right you are to wax lyrical about the heroic men and women from our esteemed newspapers who risk life and liver to bring us the latest about Fergie's shenanigans, Giggsy's deceptions and Imogen's unselfish knockers! Where would the great British public be without this daily dose of gossip n hearsay ? In fact, Rich, it was Young Wob's greatest disappointment that he didn't cut the mustard as a journo and strive to become Britain's bestest columnist like what you are. Aged 16, employed by the Cum-to-Piddle Blower as a trainee reporter, I was sent on my first journalistic mission to file a piece about a wayward moggie who was stuck up a tree. Little did I know but the moggie in question belonged to a high ranking minister and, after a day's investigation at his country pile, we put the paper to bed with the headline TORY MP PINES FOR LOST PERSIAN PUSSY whereupon the editor was sacked and Old Wob told he'd never file another sentence in a British newspaper again! Mad I say!
Widescreen TVs, porn films, an antique fireplace.... so just how did you get away with fleecing the taxpayer, Jackboots?/January 10th 2012.
Richie - Oh woe! Woe! And thrice woe! I had to give up my organic anti-man-boob fitness and yoga class last week after collapsing in a heap and being rushed to A&E with a suspected heart murmur. Thankfully, rather like a knackered old boiler, it was more a case of severe over-heating of the Roberts corsage and, after spending a few days resting in my comfy chair, I'm now back to my tip-top self. But alas Old Wob has come to realise that he's not immortal and is on the final count-down to meet his maker. With this in mind I too volunteered at the local God-shop to help out on Sundays. After the relevant checks had been made I was put to work filling up the wine decanter and arranging the crackers. I did such a good job that the head warbler gave me a headline role in the Sunday service swinging the incense stick. Unfortunately though, as I paraded down the runway in my robes, the chalice came loose and lodged in the roof timbers causing a mass evacuation to the local snug! Mad I say!
Richie - Oh woe! Woe! And thrice woe! I had to give up my organic anti-man-boob fitness and yoga class last week after collapsing in a heap and being rushed to A&E with a suspected heart murmur. Thankfully, rather like a knackered old boiler, it was more a case of severe over-heating of the Roberts corsage and, after spending a few days resting in my comfy chair, I'm now back to my tip-top self. But alas Old Wob has come to realise that he's not immortal and is on the final count-down to meet his maker. With this in mind I too volunteered at the local God-shop to help out on Sundays. After the relevant checks had been made I was put to work filling up the wine decanter and arranging the crackers. I did such a good job that the head warbler gave me a headline role in the Sunday service swinging the incense stick. Unfortunately though, as I paraded down the runway in my robes, the chalice came loose and lodged in the roof timbers causing a mass evacuation to the local snug! Mad I say!
Friday
Don't drink that lager Guv, it's not worth it.../January 6th 2012.
Richie - While Mrs Bob No 3 enjoys her annual holiday in Thailand Old Wob has been attending Vegetarian Pilates and Organic Anti-Moob Yoga Class all this week, the sweaty workouts supervised by a delectable and newly arrived Polish immigrant to these shores named Miss Katerina Kristova. Needless to say, Rich, I've kitted myself out with colourful top of the range trainers, body-hugging XXX lycra jumpsuit and spandex bandana in order to impress, plus spent a small fortune on all manner of scented sports gels to keep the Roberts comb-over in place. And I must say the results have already been stunning! My flabby corsage is beginning to firm up and my pale wan demeanour has been transformed into a radioactive lobster-red glow! In fact, I now feel, for the first time in years, as fit as a fiddle. so much so that I've been sprinting to the snug in double quick time every evening thereby gaining precious minutes for an extra snifter or three! Three cheers for Polish immigratiion I say!
Richie - While Mrs Bob No 3 enjoys her annual holiday in Thailand Old Wob has been attending Vegetarian Pilates and Organic Anti-Moob Yoga Class all this week, the sweaty workouts supervised by a delectable and newly arrived Polish immigrant to these shores named Miss Katerina Kristova. Needless to say, Rich, I've kitted myself out with colourful top of the range trainers, body-hugging XXX lycra jumpsuit and spandex bandana in order to impress, plus spent a small fortune on all manner of scented sports gels to keep the Roberts comb-over in place. And I must say the results have already been stunning! My flabby corsage is beginning to firm up and my pale wan demeanour has been transformed into a radioactive lobster-red glow! In fact, I now feel, for the first time in years, as fit as a fiddle. so much so that I've been sprinting to the snug in double quick time every evening thereby gaining precious minutes for an extra snifter or three! Three cheers for Polish immigratiion I say!
Tuesday
Howzat! Now they've got us all by the googlies/January 3rd 2012.
Richie - This morning I went for my annual health MOT and a good hour was spent lying on a couch having my ample corsage poked and prodded by Dr Singh's long bony fingers. "Mr Bob, you need fresh air and exercise" he said "and less snifters and fatty breakfasts. I'm going to recommend you attend a course with our new Polish health worker, Miss Kristova." Needless to say Rich I was expecting to meet a redoubtable sour-faced ogre with a bottle of cod liver oil in one hand and an anti-cholesterol injection in the other. So imagine my delight when I was introduced to a slender Elle McPherson lookalike who examined my pitiful condition in great detail and suggested I sign up for her vegetarian Pilates and organic anti-moob yoga class! Well, the first workout is this evening so I've been using my crimbo gift vouchers to buy up all manner of lycra sportswear in order to impress this delectable creature! If Miss Kristova is typical of EU immigration to the UK then Old Wob's all for it I say!
Richie - This morning I went for my annual health MOT and a good hour was spent lying on a couch having my ample corsage poked and prodded by Dr Singh's long bony fingers. "Mr Bob, you need fresh air and exercise" he said "and less snifters and fatty breakfasts. I'm going to recommend you attend a course with our new Polish health worker, Miss Kristova." Needless to say Rich I was expecting to meet a redoubtable sour-faced ogre with a bottle of cod liver oil in one hand and an anti-cholesterol injection in the other. So imagine my delight when I was introduced to a slender Elle McPherson lookalike who examined my pitiful condition in great detail and suggested I sign up for her vegetarian Pilates and organic anti-moob yoga class! Well, the first workout is this evening so I've been using my crimbo gift vouchers to buy up all manner of lycra sportswear in order to impress this delectable creature! If Miss Kristova is typical of EU immigration to the UK then Old Wob's all for it I say!
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