Earth to Mister Ed: Who's the Daddy?/September 27th 2010.
Richie - A very smart, professional, upwardly-mobile couple moved to our sleepy village only a few weeks ago and were well received by locals until - horror of horrors! - it was discovered that they were not married and had a child out of wedlock! Well, as you an imagine, there were numerous grumblings among the upstanding residents amongst us, not least my good self whose belief in marriage remains undaunted, so much so that I'm now trying it out for a third time! But I digress. This couple were naturally given the moral cold shoulder. Prayers were offered in church and a member of the local hunt even tried to refuse them entry to the village fete! Things came to a head when masked men captured the poor fellow and placed him in the village stocks so that he might see the error of his ways! Needless to say they scarpered pronto back to the left-wing, devil-worshipping metropolitan cess-pit from whence they came. A great victory for Cam and Cleggy's all-new shiny loony-bin UK I say!
Monday
Friday
Why decent folk deserve better from cops who let yobs run amok/September 23rd 2010.
Richie - I was lying in bed last night enjoying a pleasant game of I-Spy with Mrs Bob No 3 when I was alerted to an unholy commotion coming from the direction of the village duck pond. With health and safety in mind I put on my safety goggles and armed myself with a rolled up copy of the DM before venturing out. Imagine my consternation when I saw three figures who I identified as Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and General Augusto Pinochet engaging in foul and lewd anti-social behaviour! It transpired the three figures were, in fact, young members of the Tory Party who had been on a boisterous fancy-dress night out to celebrate the upcoming public sector cuts. I tried my best to temper their outrageous behaviour but was greeted with abuse, including shouts of "Peasant!" "Vermin!" and "Oik!" Eventually, I rang the police who, I'm pleased to say, arrived pronto and gave the noisome threesome a bit of "how's your father" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink! which was no more than they deserved I say!
Richie - I was lying in bed last night enjoying a pleasant game of I-Spy with Mrs Bob No 3 when I was alerted to an unholy commotion coming from the direction of the village duck pond. With health and safety in mind I put on my safety goggles and armed myself with a rolled up copy of the DM before venturing out. Imagine my consternation when I saw three figures who I identified as Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and General Augusto Pinochet engaging in foul and lewd anti-social behaviour! It transpired the three figures were, in fact, young members of the Tory Party who had been on a boisterous fancy-dress night out to celebrate the upcoming public sector cuts. I tried my best to temper their outrageous behaviour but was greeted with abuse, including shouts of "Peasant!" "Vermin!" and "Oik!" Eventually, I rang the police who, I'm pleased to say, arrived pronto and gave the noisome threesome a bit of "how's your father" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink! which was no more than they deserved I say!
Monday
Give lie detector tests to MPs, not taxpayers/September 21st 2010.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by the piercing laugh of my Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3, who was perusing your esteemed column. "Littlewon - he so fanny!" she giggled and pointed to the photos of Bob Crow and neanderthal man. "See, Wob - Littlewon and his brother!" I tried to explain that the photos were not of Richie and his brother but of a well known trades union leader who Littlejohn, with the help of some dotty Oxford professor, had likened to a cave man. Mrs Bob looked puzzled. "Why he do that, Wob ?" "Because, my sweetness, union leaders like Bob Crow want to protect the pay and conditions of workers whereas Tory Boy Littlejohn wants to drive down wages to third world levels and put an end to universal benefits and the minimum wage." Mrs Bob scratched her head and pointed out that by advocating a dog-eat-dog society in which people were left to fend for themselves Littlejohn had far more in common with Neanderthal Man than Bob Crow! "Oxford prof not werry bright!" she said and went off to cook one of her delicious insect based Thai curries! Mad innit!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by the piercing laugh of my Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3, who was perusing your esteemed column. "Littlewon - he so fanny!" she giggled and pointed to the photos of Bob Crow and neanderthal man. "See, Wob - Littlewon and his brother!" I tried to explain that the photos were not of Richie and his brother but of a well known trades union leader who Littlejohn, with the help of some dotty Oxford professor, had likened to a cave man. Mrs Bob looked puzzled. "Why he do that, Wob ?" "Because, my sweetness, union leaders like Bob Crow want to protect the pay and conditions of workers whereas Tory Boy Littlejohn wants to drive down wages to third world levels and put an end to universal benefits and the minimum wage." Mrs Bob scratched her head and pointed out that by advocating a dog-eat-dog society in which people were left to fend for themselves Littlejohn had far more in common with Neanderthal Man than Bob Crow! "Oxford prof not werry bright!" she said and went off to cook one of her delicious insect based Thai curries! Mad innit!
Friday
Money back on the bottle? Lovely jubbly/September 17th 2010.
Richie - I was lying in a darkened room listening to "Interstellar Overdrive" when Mrs Bob No 3 alerted me to a group of people praying in our garden. It transpired that they were pilgrims from southern Germany who were walking to see the Pope and had stopped by believing our garden to be the site of a martyred Catholic nun from the twelfth century. They were convinced that my patch of green is a holy place of healing and great fortune to anyone who spends time here, which was news to me as I've spent many an hour lolling in my hammock with a snifter and still suffer jip in the old left leg. When the group had gone on their way I decided to investigate further and started digging up the rockery in search of the ancient nun's remains. Needless to say, Rich, the legend turned out to be the usual mumbo-jumbo, although I did find several empty Tizer bottles buried which I'll wash and return once the CONDEM recycling project gets underway! Mad in ShamCam and Cleggy's loony-atheist UK innit!
Richie - I was lying in a darkened room listening to "Interstellar Overdrive" when Mrs Bob No 3 alerted me to a group of people praying in our garden. It transpired that they were pilgrims from southern Germany who were walking to see the Pope and had stopped by believing our garden to be the site of a martyred Catholic nun from the twelfth century. They were convinced that my patch of green is a holy place of healing and great fortune to anyone who spends time here, which was news to me as I've spent many an hour lolling in my hammock with a snifter and still suffer jip in the old left leg. When the group had gone on their way I decided to investigate further and started digging up the rockery in search of the ancient nun's remains. Needless to say, Rich, the legend turned out to be the usual mumbo-jumbo, although I did find several empty Tizer bottles buried which I'll wash and return once the CONDEM recycling project gets underway! Mad in ShamCam and Cleggy's loony-atheist UK innit!
Tuesday
Be careful what you wish for, Batman!/September 14th 2010.
Richie - My old friend Dave Salt, trades union stalwart and Labour veteran from oop north, paid me a visit en route to the comrades conference. "The Tories want to impose drastic cuts for purely ideological reasons" he said as we chatted over a snifter or three. "They're using the defecit as a smokescreen to drive down ordinary workers' pay and conditions. It's an unelected govt that doesn't represent the voters of this country and there's gonna be trouble, Bob - big trouble." I pointed Dave in the direction of your esteemed column, Richie, in order to offer an unbiased, more balanced view of the situation. "Littlejohn is balanced! Don't make me laugh!" he snorted. "I remember that old windbag when he was desperate to become a Labour MP. He got the hump because the comrades thought he was a lightweight and has been moaning about it ever since!" Needless to say, Richie, I showed the insolent braggard the door. How dare these vile lefties insult this country's answer to Tolstoy, I say!
Richie - My old friend Dave Salt, trades union stalwart and Labour veteran from oop north, paid me a visit en route to the comrades conference. "The Tories want to impose drastic cuts for purely ideological reasons" he said as we chatted over a snifter or three. "They're using the defecit as a smokescreen to drive down ordinary workers' pay and conditions. It's an unelected govt that doesn't represent the voters of this country and there's gonna be trouble, Bob - big trouble." I pointed Dave in the direction of your esteemed column, Richie, in order to offer an unbiased, more balanced view of the situation. "Littlejohn is balanced! Don't make me laugh!" he snorted. "I remember that old windbag when he was desperate to become a Labour MP. He got the hump because the comrades thought he was a lightweight and has been moaning about it ever since!" Needless to say, Richie, I showed the insolent braggard the door. How dare these vile lefties insult this country's answer to Tolstoy, I say!
Thursday
The Bunfight at the Burn-a-Koran Corral/September 9th 2010.
Richie - I was fixing new fluffy dice to the interior of the XJ6 when Mrs Bob No 3 informed me that a VIP had arrived. It was none other than my good friend Reverend Crisp, head God-botherer of this parish, and, after pouring him a large snifter, I discovered the reason for his visit. "Unfortunately a number of local hotheads are planning to burn a pile of Littlejohn's DM columns in protest at his extreme witterings" he said. "They accuse him of being offensive about women, gays, immigrants, the police, public servants, the obese, sex-workers, trans-gender patients, gypsies, and anyone else who is not a member of the Tory party." Well, I was shocked! "Lord Littlewon has a yuman right to air his primitive views!" I countered. "Can we not find a compromise to put a stop to this heinous act ?" Rich, you'll be pleased to hear that your columns will not now be burned - instead they will be re-cycled into loo roll for the benefit of all in the community, a victory for common sense I say!
Richie - I was fixing new fluffy dice to the interior of the XJ6 when Mrs Bob No 3 informed me that a VIP had arrived. It was none other than my good friend Reverend Crisp, head God-botherer of this parish, and, after pouring him a large snifter, I discovered the reason for his visit. "Unfortunately a number of local hotheads are planning to burn a pile of Littlejohn's DM columns in protest at his extreme witterings" he said. "They accuse him of being offensive about women, gays, immigrants, the police, public servants, the obese, sex-workers, trans-gender patients, gypsies, and anyone else who is not a member of the Tory party." Well, I was shocked! "Lord Littlewon has a yuman right to air his primitive views!" I countered. "Can we not find a compromise to put a stop to this heinous act ?" Rich, you'll be pleased to hear that your columns will not now be burned - instead they will be re-cycled into loo roll for the benefit of all in the community, a victory for common sense I say!
Monday
Juicy Jeni and the jewellery ambassador for Argos.../September 7th 2010.
Richie - Would you adam and eve it! Our local has now become the official residence of a pub (wait for it...) boar! Frances the landlady (formerly Big Frank, local BNP hard nut before his gender re-alignment op) saved the boar from being terminally roasted at a summer fete and hid it in the snug before a new home could be found. But such is the boar's popularity that Frances has now decided on permanent adoption! Indeed, having aquired a taste for ale, the swine has become something of a local celebrity, entertaining punters for hours with its hearty boozing. But the animal's piece de resistance has to be seen to be believed. The hairy hog clambers onto a stool whereupon someone reads aloud one of your esteemed columns. Lo and behold the almighty porker rises up onto its hind quarters and knocks its front hooves together in appreciation whilst gargling a pint of best! Needless to say, we've christened the old oinker "Littlejohn" the Pub Boar in honour of your good self! Mad innit!
Richie - Would you adam and eve it! Our local has now become the official residence of a pub (wait for it...) boar! Frances the landlady (formerly Big Frank, local BNP hard nut before his gender re-alignment op) saved the boar from being terminally roasted at a summer fete and hid it in the snug before a new home could be found. But such is the boar's popularity that Frances has now decided on permanent adoption! Indeed, having aquired a taste for ale, the swine has become something of a local celebrity, entertaining punters for hours with its hearty boozing. But the animal's piece de resistance has to be seen to be believed. The hairy hog clambers onto a stool whereupon someone reads aloud one of your esteemed columns. Lo and behold the almighty porker rises up onto its hind quarters and knocks its front hooves together in appreciation whilst gargling a pint of best! Needless to say, we've christened the old oinker "Littlejohn" the Pub Boar in honour of your good self! Mad innit!
Friday
We REALLY don't need to know these politicians' gory details/September 3rd 2010.
Richie - We were in the snug reading Tony Blair's memoirs (and having a thorough giggle at the toilet references - what a fine sense of humour our esteemed ex-PM has been blessed with!) when a well-known local Tory Turnip called by for an post-work snifter. Of course, we expected him to turn the colour of a kipper and hurl mouth-foaming insults at our reading matter. Blair has that effect on Turnips - understandable considering he consigned Thatcher's Colonel Blimp-Blue-Rinse brigade to the margins of British politics! So imagine our surprise when said Turnip sat at our table all dewey-eyed for the heady days of Nu Labour! "I made a fortune during Blair's watch" he sighed. "The country was stable, we stood firm with our closest ally in the war against terror, public services were well-funded...now we've got the brokeback coalition making up policy on the hoof and a Foreign Secretary reducing the UK to a laughing stock! How I miss Blair!" Mad in ShamCam and Cleggie's loonybin UK innit!
Richie - We were in the snug reading Tony Blair's memoirs (and having a thorough giggle at the toilet references - what a fine sense of humour our esteemed ex-PM has been blessed with!) when a well-known local Tory Turnip called by for an post-work snifter. Of course, we expected him to turn the colour of a kipper and hurl mouth-foaming insults at our reading matter. Blair has that effect on Turnips - understandable considering he consigned Thatcher's Colonel Blimp-Blue-Rinse brigade to the margins of British politics! So imagine our surprise when said Turnip sat at our table all dewey-eyed for the heady days of Nu Labour! "I made a fortune during Blair's watch" he sighed. "The country was stable, we stood firm with our closest ally in the war against terror, public services were well-funded...now we've got the brokeback coalition making up policy on the hoof and a Foreign Secretary reducing the UK to a laughing stock! How I miss Blair!" Mad in ShamCam and Cleggie's loonybin UK innit!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)