The death of common sense and how our police are losing the plot/April 28th 2011.
Richie - Shame on you, Lord Littlewon! How sad that in this glorious Royal Wedding week you still feel obliged to give our brave plod a good kicking! How many lazy, incompetent journos are there on the planet I wonder ? No mention of those bozos, eh Rich ? Why, only yesterday, on our local news, we were told of 3 female coppers who courageously tackled an armed gang, displaying vim and heroism above and beyond the call of duty! No mention of these top-notch PC gals in the Richie column either! Instead, you continue to demean and debase this great country of ours in the very week our illustrious plod are doing their best to keep us secure from fanatics like Al-Quaida, the EDL, BNP, Donald Trump and other assorted fruitcake USA Baptists! As we put up the bunting in the snug and prepare for tomorrow's festivities, I say to you moaning minnies from Oz, Phuket, Marbella and all 3rd world ex-pat backwaters: God save our Queen! God save our Labour Party! And God save our glorious plod! (Hic!)
Thursday
Tuesday
Thanks for the laughter, John. See ya, Dave/April 26th 2011.
Richie - Like you we raised snifters in the snug to the memory of the great John Sullivan! May he rest in peace in that great Comedy Gold studio in the sky! But we shouldn't forget, Rich, that John was nurtured by that other beloved institution, the BBC. Without Auntie Beeb there would have been no Crazy Gang, no Python, no Fools & Horses, no Edmund Blackadder, no Office to name but a few. It just goes to show that, compared to the outrageous sums charged by biased private broadcasters for inferior product, the impartial Beeb offers superb value for money, I say! We also raised a snifter or two for another outstanding individual, namely Tim Hetherington, who was sadly killed while reporting the conflict in Libya. Here was a top class journo boldly doing what great journos do, getting to the heart of the story in order to educate and inform the public! What a shame other journos, especially those obsessed by mindless celebrity and wheelie bins, don't follow Tim's shining example I say!
Richie - Like you we raised snifters in the snug to the memory of the great John Sullivan! May he rest in peace in that great Comedy Gold studio in the sky! But we shouldn't forget, Rich, that John was nurtured by that other beloved institution, the BBC. Without Auntie Beeb there would have been no Crazy Gang, no Python, no Fools & Horses, no Edmund Blackadder, no Office to name but a few. It just goes to show that, compared to the outrageous sums charged by biased private broadcasters for inferior product, the impartial Beeb offers superb value for money, I say! We also raised a snifter or two for another outstanding individual, namely Tim Hetherington, who was sadly killed while reporting the conflict in Libya. Here was a top class journo boldly doing what great journos do, getting to the heart of the story in order to educate and inform the public! What a shame other journos, especially those obsessed by mindless celebrity and wheelie bins, don't follow Tim's shining example I say!
Wolfie Smith and the Tower Hamlets Taliban/April 19th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to stand up for this hard-done-by Christian feller from oop north! Live and let live, I say! Let people worship their fairies when and where they want! Indeed, my own company, Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U, allows employees to indulge in all manner of religious nonsense even though clients get heartily offended! Muslims, Christians, Martians - our company has seen em all! One example is the bright young girl who does our admin. A devotee of some wierd and wacky sect she prefers to be known as Princess Delora Hemlock from Deep Space 9 and comes to work dressed like a gothic version of Rowan Williams! But old Wob has never been afraid of entering into the spirit of religious faiths! Many's the time that I've donned my Darth Vader suit, fired up my light sabre and chased her round the office! And there's nothing better than dressing up in silk pantaloons and turban and shaking the Wobert's booty for Dawali - usually after several snifters in the snug I say!
Richie - How right you are to stand up for this hard-done-by Christian feller from oop north! Live and let live, I say! Let people worship their fairies when and where they want! Indeed, my own company, Bob Roberts Security Services 4 U, allows employees to indulge in all manner of religious nonsense even though clients get heartily offended! Muslims, Christians, Martians - our company has seen em all! One example is the bright young girl who does our admin. A devotee of some wierd and wacky sect she prefers to be known as Princess Delora Hemlock from Deep Space 9 and comes to work dressed like a gothic version of Rowan Williams! But old Wob has never been afraid of entering into the spirit of religious faiths! Many's the time that I've donned my Darth Vader suit, fired up my light sabre and chased her round the office! And there's nothing better than dressing up in silk pantaloons and turban and shaking the Wobert's booty for Dawali - usually after several snifters in the snug I say!
Friday
Is that an injunction in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?/April 15th 2011.
Richie - As a successful local businessman of these parts I was recently invited to a round-table event highlighting new start-ups. Normally I avoid these self-indulgent get-togethers but with Mrs Bob off at operatic rehearsals and the prospect of free snifters and nibbles I decided to show my face. And what a swell evening it was! A parade of new business initiatives were prodded onto the stage for our delectation, all of them providing a snapshot of the private-sector-led recovery! Marge, a single parent and former social worker, has launched a pet nail-trimming service and Brian, a former firefighter, has entered the competative market of male kiss-o-grams. Roger, a newly redundant health-and-safety officer, has set up as an Elvis-medium and ex-lollipop lady Katie is looking to corner the market in celebrity-themed cup-cakes! All have taken out huge bank loans to start them on their way. Well done the Tory-led Coagulation, I say, for gving these important industries a leg-up!
Richie - As a successful local businessman of these parts I was recently invited to a round-table event highlighting new start-ups. Normally I avoid these self-indulgent get-togethers but with Mrs Bob off at operatic rehearsals and the prospect of free snifters and nibbles I decided to show my face. And what a swell evening it was! A parade of new business initiatives were prodded onto the stage for our delectation, all of them providing a snapshot of the private-sector-led recovery! Marge, a single parent and former social worker, has launched a pet nail-trimming service and Brian, a former firefighter, has entered the competative market of male kiss-o-grams. Roger, a newly redundant health-and-safety officer, has set up as an Elvis-medium and ex-lollipop lady Katie is looking to corner the market in celebrity-themed cup-cakes! All have taken out huge bank loans to start them on their way. Well done the Tory-led Coagulation, I say, for gving these important industries a leg-up!
Tuesday
It's semi-detached suburban Dr Singh/April 12th 2011.
Richie - I nearly fell out of my comfy chair and spilt my morning snifter when I read today's column! I can proudly report that here in our village Her Madge's loyal British subjects will certainly not be clamouring for a one-way ticket out of Gatwick on April 29th! In fact, plans are well afoot for a knees-up on the village green with plenty of nosh and festivities to celebrate the royal marriage! My dear Thai wife's mother will be arriving for the occasion with Ladyboy members of her brass cymbal folk ensemble and Dr Singh's dholak drumming troupe will also provide entertainment. Marcia Braithwaite's Polish plumber husband is rustling up vodka and 'bigos' (a traditional hunter's stew) for the buffet table and even SWP aristo-activist Lady Tabitha Wilmott-Brown will be in attendance along with her latest squeeze, a famous African-born Prem League footy player. The only poopers will be local Tories and LibDems who have refused invites, too worried about meeting the angry hoi-polloi I say!
Richie - I nearly fell out of my comfy chair and spilt my morning snifter when I read today's column! I can proudly report that here in our village Her Madge's loyal British subjects will certainly not be clamouring for a one-way ticket out of Gatwick on April 29th! In fact, plans are well afoot for a knees-up on the village green with plenty of nosh and festivities to celebrate the royal marriage! My dear Thai wife's mother will be arriving for the occasion with Ladyboy members of her brass cymbal folk ensemble and Dr Singh's dholak drumming troupe will also provide entertainment. Marcia Braithwaite's Polish plumber husband is rustling up vodka and 'bigos' (a traditional hunter's stew) for the buffet table and even SWP aristo-activist Lady Tabitha Wilmott-Brown will be in attendance along with her latest squeeze, a famous African-born Prem League footy player. The only poopers will be local Tories and LibDems who have refused invites, too worried about meeting the angry hoi-polloi I say!
Friday
It's no wonder so many firms end up on the scrapheap/April 8th 2011.
Richie - I was settled in my comfy chair eating a scotch egg and listening to "Instellar Overdrive" by Pink Floyd when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 demanded that I take her out for the day. 'We never go out on nice twip anymore Wob" she said. "You no love me like in owlden days when we first meet!" Well, Rich, in order to prevent several hours of female waterworks I fired up the Jag and we headed along the A5 to north Wales. And what a delighful trip it was! We sat on the beach, saw some of the most beautiful scenery in the UK and finished off with a fish n chip supper on the quayside. The only blemish was when we were accosted by a middle-aged drunk. The man, we learned, had been driven to destitution after his catering business was axed by elf n safety. He'd been mixing meat that wasn't fit for human consumption into his products and was ruthlessly closed down! Yet another example of evil Labour, public sector jobsworths and small business red tape I say! Where will it end, Richie!
Richie - I was settled in my comfy chair eating a scotch egg and listening to "Instellar Overdrive" by Pink Floyd when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 demanded that I take her out for the day. 'We never go out on nice twip anymore Wob" she said. "You no love me like in owlden days when we first meet!" Well, Rich, in order to prevent several hours of female waterworks I fired up the Jag and we headed along the A5 to north Wales. And what a delighful trip it was! We sat on the beach, saw some of the most beautiful scenery in the UK and finished off with a fish n chip supper on the quayside. The only blemish was when we were accosted by a middle-aged drunk. The man, we learned, had been driven to destitution after his catering business was axed by elf n safety. He'd been mixing meat that wasn't fit for human consumption into his products and was ruthlessly closed down! Yet another example of evil Labour, public sector jobsworths and small business red tape I say! Where will it end, Richie!
Tuesday
When it comes to lawyers, Shakespeare called it right/April 5th 2011.
Richie - I put on one of Mrs Bob's floral spring dresses, wig, heels and falsies and infiltrated the local Tory spring fair. And would you adam and eve it, I discovered tip-top secret info! The Tory funded Taxpayers Alliance and other assorted lunatic fringe groups are planning a Pro-Cuts march in London next month! They're expecting between one and two thousand "supporters" (ie bussed-in Tory workers) to show support for the vile unelected ConDem govt's programme to push Britain back into medieval times! I suppose it will be a bit like those hard-nuts who can be seen demonstrating in support of Mad Dog Gaddafi on the six o'clock news - lots of wailing blue-rinse types from the shires demanding the closure of playgroups, libraries and everything else that makes this a civilised country to live in. One local Tory supporter, who couldn't keep his hands off my scotch eggs, even offered me a lift to the demo in his Porsche but I managed to scarper pronto before I was rumbled! Mad I say!
Richie - I put on one of Mrs Bob's floral spring dresses, wig, heels and falsies and infiltrated the local Tory spring fair. And would you adam and eve it, I discovered tip-top secret info! The Tory funded Taxpayers Alliance and other assorted lunatic fringe groups are planning a Pro-Cuts march in London next month! They're expecting between one and two thousand "supporters" (ie bussed-in Tory workers) to show support for the vile unelected ConDem govt's programme to push Britain back into medieval times! I suppose it will be a bit like those hard-nuts who can be seen demonstrating in support of Mad Dog Gaddafi on the six o'clock news - lots of wailing blue-rinse types from the shires demanding the closure of playgroups, libraries and everything else that makes this a civilised country to live in. One local Tory supporter, who couldn't keep his hands off my scotch eggs, even offered me a lift to the demo in his Porsche but I managed to scarper pronto before I was rumbled! Mad I say!
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