How Jobcentres have turned into a Circus of Horrors/October 25th 2011.
Richie - Your wonderful, in-depth article regarding the vacancy for a knife throwing asisstant in Blackpool brought back memories of my own fleeting brush with stardom! It was during another Tory-induced recession back in the early 80s that Young Wob, down on his luck and cruelly victimised by the odious Thatcher, managed to find gainful employment with Hattie, the Busty Bearded Seductress who danced the seven veils. As her assistant I accompanied this pouting beauty to numerous bars and gentlemen's clubs of dubious reputation acting as compare and all-round dogsbody before this lithe, exotic creature titillated and beguiled paupers and millionaires alike, displaying her ample wares after a tantalising tease with silk and peacock feathers. A woman of few words it was only when I accidentaly barged into her dressing room that I discovered the truth: Hattie was a tattooed former lorry driver from Bradford who had undergone a backstreet snip in order to make ends meet! It's mad in Tory Britain I say!
Tuesday
Monday
Council igloos? It's their culture, innit!/October 21st 2011.
Richie - Greeings from the People's Islamic Republic of Misrata! As an upstanding small UK businessman Old Wob blagged a seat on a hastily arranged flight for Brit exporters bound for Libya as soon as news came through of the dictator's demise! On board were the usual suspects - arms dealers, taser salesmen, hi-vis jacket manufacturers, botox injectors, scotch egg suppliers & alcopops distillers, in short the finest goods Britain can offer a fledgling democracy! And what a first class welcome we received! We were escorted by a column of Mad Max lookalikes and shown the storm drain where Gaddafi was dragged to his inglorious end. Sad to say the volatile fighters didn't seem very interested in our wares - nor one Brit entrepeneur's suggestion that the drain be transformed into a lap dancing club called Mad Dogs - preferring instead to place orders for minarets, prayer mats and the latest hi-end fashion burkas for their womenfolk! It'll be democracy, Dave, but not as we know it, I say!
Richie - Greeings from the People's Islamic Republic of Misrata! As an upstanding small UK businessman Old Wob blagged a seat on a hastily arranged flight for Brit exporters bound for Libya as soon as news came through of the dictator's demise! On board were the usual suspects - arms dealers, taser salesmen, hi-vis jacket manufacturers, botox injectors, scotch egg suppliers & alcopops distillers, in short the finest goods Britain can offer a fledgling democracy! And what a first class welcome we received! We were escorted by a column of Mad Max lookalikes and shown the storm drain where Gaddafi was dragged to his inglorious end. Sad to say the volatile fighters didn't seem very interested in our wares - nor one Brit entrepeneur's suggestion that the drain be transformed into a lap dancing club called Mad Dogs - preferring instead to place orders for minarets, prayer mats and the latest hi-end fashion burkas for their womenfolk! It'll be democracy, Dave, but not as we know it, I say!
Move over Swampy, it's us who should be protesting/October 18th 2011.
Richie - Greetings from the Occupy the London Stock Exchange demo! Yesterday Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 fired up the Jag and hot-footed it to St Paul's in order to take part in the global struggle against loony-tunes capitalism! And what a swell time we're having, Rich! We've met all manner of honest folk - from hard-up grannies to university lecturers to small business owners who are sick to the back teeth of Shameron's Coagulation of the Featherweights! We all cheered when the wonderful Julius Assange spoke on the hallowed steps (and he's not a mere email hacker as you incorrectly say, Rich, but a courageous informant of what corrupt governments are up to, so get your facts right I say! Saint Julian puts to shame the lazy political commentators of this land who pontificate from their ivory towers!) This afternoon, after I've snoozed in my comfy chair, we intend to zip up the Roberts tent and catch a few West End shows. So, not only is Old Wob saving the world, Rich, but I'm saving a fortune in hotel bills! Mad I say!
Richie - Greetings from the Occupy the London Stock Exchange demo! Yesterday Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 fired up the Jag and hot-footed it to St Paul's in order to take part in the global struggle against loony-tunes capitalism! And what a swell time we're having, Rich! We've met all manner of honest folk - from hard-up grannies to university lecturers to small business owners who are sick to the back teeth of Shameron's Coagulation of the Featherweights! We all cheered when the wonderful Julius Assange spoke on the hallowed steps (and he's not a mere email hacker as you incorrectly say, Rich, but a courageous informant of what corrupt governments are up to, so get your facts right I say! Saint Julian puts to shame the lazy political commentators of this land who pontificate from their ivory towers!) This afternoon, after I've snoozed in my comfy chair, we intend to zip up the Roberts tent and catch a few West End shows. So, not only is Old Wob saving the world, Rich, but I'm saving a fortune in hotel bills! Mad I say!
Saturday
With 'victims' like these, the cuts can't be all bad!/October 14th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit at the Marxist-Leninist Pol-Pottist Left-leaning tree-hugging Gramci-ite, Jarrow-marching BBC! How dare these wet behind the ears liberals report that wimmin are having a rough time in our Tory-led utopia! The bleeding heart unemployed should get on their bikes and look for work in the same way that old Grandad Roberts used his initiative back in the 30s and set up an illegal factory selling cheap home-made meths! That dopey bird who can't be bothered to travel to another borough is a disgrace I say! Why, thousands of enterprising young people are going the extra mile to find a job. (Is she, methinks, a Labour voter ? Either way she isn't going to find a cure for cancer, eh Rich ?) Take young Adam Werritty - a credit to our nation! This honest, upstanding chap has travelled to such far away places as Hong Kong and Singapore to earn himself a crust! That's the kind of lie back and think of England bulldog spirit we need today! Auntie Beeb should get Adam on Strictly Come Fry A 16 Ounce Steak pronto I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit at the Marxist-Leninist Pol-Pottist Left-leaning tree-hugging Gramci-ite, Jarrow-marching BBC! How dare these wet behind the ears liberals report that wimmin are having a rough time in our Tory-led utopia! The bleeding heart unemployed should get on their bikes and look for work in the same way that old Grandad Roberts used his initiative back in the 30s and set up an illegal factory selling cheap home-made meths! That dopey bird who can't be bothered to travel to another borough is a disgrace I say! Why, thousands of enterprising young people are going the extra mile to find a job. (Is she, methinks, a Labour voter ? Either way she isn't going to find a cure for cancer, eh Rich ?) Take young Adam Werritty - a credit to our nation! This honest, upstanding chap has travelled to such far away places as Hong Kong and Singapore to earn himself a crust! That's the kind of lie back and think of England bulldog spirit we need today! Auntie Beeb should get Adam on Strictly Come Fry A 16 Ounce Steak pronto I say! (Hic!)
Tuesday
'Ello, John, got a new Motability motor?/October 11th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my precocious 11 year old grandson, Bob Roberts jnr, shook me awake. Young Bob is staying at Castle Roberts while his parents enjoy a well-earned break and is studying hard as he seeks to achieve his goal of becoming Labour PM around the year 2035. A considerate chap, Bob jnr had poured me an early-morning snifter and collected my copy of the DM. "Anything interesting in the news today ?" I asked, blurry eyed, to which Bob grimaced and stamped his little foot in frustration. "That Right-wing windbag Littlejohn is criticising the motability scheme" he snarled. "Why can't these Tory nutters understand that only governments and the public sector can stimulate an economy during recession. Take away the motability allowance and new car sales will collapse, leading to more unemployment and a higher benefits bill. I mean, it's not rocket science!" and with that young Bob skipped off into the garden to discuss endogenous growth theory with the attractive girl next door!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my precocious 11 year old grandson, Bob Roberts jnr, shook me awake. Young Bob is staying at Castle Roberts while his parents enjoy a well-earned break and is studying hard as he seeks to achieve his goal of becoming Labour PM around the year 2035. A considerate chap, Bob jnr had poured me an early-morning snifter and collected my copy of the DM. "Anything interesting in the news today ?" I asked, blurry eyed, to which Bob grimaced and stamped his little foot in frustration. "That Right-wing windbag Littlejohn is criticising the motability scheme" he snarled. "Why can't these Tory nutters understand that only governments and the public sector can stimulate an economy during recession. Take away the motability allowance and new car sales will collapse, leading to more unemployment and a higher benefits bill. I mean, it's not rocket science!" and with that young Bob skipped off into the garden to discuss endogenous growth theory with the attractive girl next door!
Sunday
Another triumph for the elf'n'safety headbangers/October 7th 2011.
Richie - I must say Old Wob, dressed in fishnets, wig and one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, had a tip top time at the Tory conference. During the morning I'd sit snoozing in the main half-filled hall with all the other half-baked delegates before retiring for a snifter or three ahead of the main afternoon speech. The Tory thought-police would be out in force before these speeches, trying to whip the faithful into a frenzy with all the vigour of Stalin's commissars but it was a hard job Rich to get enthusiastic about this nonsense and especially Shamcam's rambling dirge about highlighter pens. Even worse was Gideon's speech which dashed any hope of salvation from the upcoming economic Armageddon. And with today's news that the govt is moving away from guaranteeing bank savings, I'll be off to withdraw my stash in order to hide it under the bed! Little wonder that Tory delegates were engaged in gargantuan bouts of boozing! With this bunch of incompetents in charge we're doomed I say DOOMED!
Richie - I must say Old Wob, dressed in fishnets, wig and one of Mrs Bob's best frocks, had a tip top time at the Tory conference. During the morning I'd sit snoozing in the main half-filled hall with all the other half-baked delegates before retiring for a snifter or three ahead of the main afternoon speech. The Tory thought-police would be out in force before these speeches, trying to whip the faithful into a frenzy with all the vigour of Stalin's commissars but it was a hard job Rich to get enthusiastic about this nonsense and especially Shamcam's rambling dirge about highlighter pens. Even worse was Gideon's speech which dashed any hope of salvation from the upcoming economic Armageddon. And with today's news that the govt is moving away from guaranteeing bank savings, I'll be off to withdraw my stash in order to hide it under the bed! Little wonder that Tory delegates were engaged in gargantuan bouts of boozing! With this bunch of incompetents in charge we're doomed I say DOOMED!
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