Mr Justice Cocklecarrot and the Elf 'n' Safety Smurfs who had to escort 12 jurors across the road/May 8th 2012.

Richie - I must say, Lord Richie, you've incurred the wrath of Old Wob's loyal band of security operatives, car parking attendants and assorted high-vizzers. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I was organising the daily rota when I heard grumblings from my workforce about your esteemed column. "That Littlejohn is talking out of his hooter!" was the general tone of their complaints. As many of my employees are ex-forces they see your continual attacks upon low-paid hard-working men and women who are trying to keep our society secure and free of anti-social behaviour as a right kick in the goolies. "Littlejohn should come and do a 12 hour shift with us one night and see how he likes it!" they raged. Of course, Rich, I tried to explain that as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist it was your right to have a go at all and sundry but they wouldn't have it! Last I heard they were laying into the Dirty Aussie Digger for turning our country into a Stasi-like nightmare worthy of Kafka! Mad I say!