Welcome to the Equality Hotline, for Scribble press 3/July 30th 2012.

Richie - Yesterday's DM said that members of the cabinet attended a rehearsal of Sir Danny Boyle's Olympic extravaganza. Can you imagine, Rich, what must have gone through plummy Gove's mind ? "Oh my goodness...the Lefties have taken over the opening ceremony...There are people of ethnic origin amongst the performers...They're celebrating Great Ormond Street and the NHS! They're saying that capitalism is ripping the heart out of our green and pleasant land! Where is the Rejoice Rejoice of Thatcherism and all things Right Wing ? Call Dave! Call Dave! Abort! Abort!" In fact, Rich, I have it on good authority that in a section called British Right Wing Windbags, Lord Danny wanted you, Mel Philips, Kelvin McKenzie and Simon Heffer to emerge from wheelie bins, have a good rant about the pinko socialist Olympics, before being carted off in an NHS ambulance in straightjackets bound for Broadmoor! Unfortunately there wasn't enough time and it was a choice between you and Dizzee Rascal! No contest I say!

Postcard to MPs: Wish You Weren't Here!/July 27th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 are recovering from Sir Danny Boyle's wonderous 2012 Olympic opening ceremony! What a visual and spiritual feast it was, Rich - a show that truly made you proud to be British I say! The manner in which it charted our nation's development from rural socialist idyll to industrial capitalist madhouse was breathtaking! Lord Boyle's inspired defence of our beloved socialist NHS should be a warning to all those Right Wing windbags who want to flog off our hospitals to the highest bidder. And having the Queen, the UK's most celebrated public sector worker, make her acting debut in a Bond skit was pure genius! So well done to all who contributed to this socialist, multi-cultural extravaganza I say! The only thing that was missing was a section about wheelie-bins, troughing bankers and corrupt journos. In fact, stringing up a few bankers and journos from the rafters would've been an inspired way to begin the games. Eh Rich ? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?

Mr Chips is making a Come-Back - Whack-O!/July 17th 2012.

Richie - How right you are to celebrate the great teachers who have inspired us! Old Wob fondly remembers his own primary teacher Miss Olonghu, an attractive black Marxist lesbian who fled apartheid in South Africa way back in the late 60s. This gorgeous woman instilled in us a love of music, literature and cultural diversity and her motto was equal opportunity for every child to fulfil his or her potential. Needless to say, Rich, these are values which have stayed with me throughout my life and are values which our troughing Eton-educated masters seem duty bound to ignore. That ideological Right Wing wind bag Gove seems intent on dragging our educational system back into the medieval period! Dear Miss Olonghu returned to her native South Africa after apartheid was dismantled and I believe is still teaching to this day. The week she left these shores Old Wob gathered together a group of former students and we performed a traditional African song in the style of Ladysmith Black Mambazo complete with colourful robes, head-dress, and falsies! Rich - she was, er, overwhelmed!

Security ? Call Eddie the Eagle/July 13th 2012.

Richie - As a well respected small businessman of this parish and head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I naturally submitted an application to organise the security at London 2012. In a detailed pitch I offered a comprehensive package which included octogenarian Arthur Groat and his brothers checkings bags, local burlesque artiste Marcia Braithwaite patrolling the perimeter fence and my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's troupe of Ladyboys frisking spectators as they entered the Olympic stadium. My costings were on the low side, Rich, with Arthur and Marcia happy to be paid in beer and sequin costumes respectively and the Ladyboys content to frisk inside legs for free! Of course, management costs (ie cash for Old Wob's back pocket) would have been somewhat higher at £100 million but still a quarter of the total paid to G4S. Richie, I didn't even receive so much as a reply from the troughing Tory toffs sitting on the 2012 committee. How I bet they regret not awarding Bob the conract now, eh ? (Hic!)

The cops watch the boys who watch the girls go by/July 10th 2012.

Richie - I was driving Mrs Bob home from the local Labour Party ale and skittles night in the XJ6 when a Plod car screetched round a corner with sirens wailing and pulled us over. Three Plods emerged barking orders at us to put our hands in the air like we just didn't care, whereupon a meat wagon filled with a SWAT team leapt into action and surrounded us with shooters and night vision goggles! Well, I was outraged! "How dare you encroach upon the hard-won freedoms of an honest Englishman and his Thai-born missus!" I spluttered as a Plod helicopter hovered in the clouds, training its arc lights on Old Wob's bald spot! Thankfully there was a very reasonable explanation. It transpired they thought I was a spiv banker making off with yet more billions of taxpayer pounds and that Mrs Bob was one of the Dirty Digger's vile journos out wire tapping the phones of murder victims and their families. Needless to say, Rich, no offence was taken and, after a good banter and laughs all round, I told our brave Plod to keep up the good work and went on my way! (Hic!)

Slippery Uncle Sam spawned the vultures of Blame Direct/July 6th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob number 3 have just returned from a seven day trade jolly to the people's Republic of North Korea! Following our own beloved PM's diktat to seek out new markets a group of local business types decided to explore opportunities in the famously secretive state. I must say, Rich, it's an apalling place. Run by an arrogant, wealthy elite, ordinary folk subsist on welfare handouts amid stringent cuts to front line services. They're kept in place by an oppressive police and snooper apparatus that thinks nothing of shooting innocent bystanders on the underground or baton charging newspaper sellers to death on the streets of the capital. The media, of course, toes the party line and the star columnist, Wing-Sop Kimojohn, writes article after article about vile prozzies and baby-eating union leaders. Unfortunately the North Koreans weren't keen on doing much business, although Marcia Braithwaite's poodle parlour attracted their interest - but it all ended in tears when they asked for a sample to eat with their mid-day broth and noodles! Mad I say!