Late Night Live with Call Me Dave/September 28th 2012

Richie - Having just returned from a two week holiday in the USA with Mrs Bob No 3, I was honored to visit the Ed Sullivan Theatre for a tour. While I was there I managed to collar one of Letterman's attractive young production assistants for a chat. Well, you can imagine how excited I was when she let slip that our useless growth-averse PM was set to appear on the Late Show - so excited in fact that I primed her with a list of pertinent questions the great Letterman may have wished to ask. "Ask the Tory toff why he sees fit to condemn disenfranchised kids who steal bottles of water but not bankers who steal billions of public money!" I said. "Ask him why, if he's so in favour of democracy and freedom, he's the PM of an unelected government. Ask him why he wants to stamp out loutish behaviour but won't sack his foul-mouthed chief whip who swears and causes offense to our hard-working police!" Well, Rich, I continued in this vein for a further thirty minutes or so. Eventually the poor girl's eyes started glazing over so, gentleman that I am, I thanked her for her time and gave my name as Nick Clegg! Mad in the USA I say! (Hic!)

Read my lips...No more Toytown taxes, Clegg/September 25th 2012

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have just returned from an eat to west coast holiday in the good ol' USA. And what a divided, polarised, anxious country it has become, Rich. We met the usual suspects on our travels - religious fruitcakes, Tea-Party nutters, the rich, the poor, hard-working Democrats fearful of the future - and were left with the impression of a war-weary, ungovernable country unsure of its role in the world and frightened of the Chinese dragon. Although Obama's star has fallen the Republican Party's knack of electing a candidate from the outer reaches of Planet Zog means that the President is almost assured of a second term. Hooray for that I say! Our final destination was New York where I celebrated my 58th birthday and had a syrup fitted by the Big Apple's finest which made me look ten years younger! Unfortunately a gust of wind took hold of it as we enjoyed a boat ride around the statue of liberty, hurling my new thatch high into the air and depositing it in the famous lady's torch! Mad I say! (Hic!)

Can you imagine the Queen topless ?/September 18th 2012.

Richie - Shame on you Lord Littlewon for criticising our beloved blue-blooded Royals! If the beautiful Kate wants to give her pert queenly jellies a tan in the privacy of her back yard, then she should be able to do so without interference from the garlic-chewing Gallic press! It is unpatriotic of you, sir, to side with the dastardly Frenchies! Indeed, as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist you should be leading the way and calling for Levenson to clamp down hard on all aspects of our sordid press! Our Royals are an inspiration to us all I say! Poor Prince Harry is single-handedly fighting for freedom in Afghanistan, Prince Andrew is heroically ab-sailing down the Gherkin for those less fortunate than himself, and Her Madge soldiers on regardless opening this, that and the other at an advanced age! They are a credit to the British bulldog spirit and deserve our unflinching support! Pray for Kate's royal jellies I say! (Hic!)

Tough childhood ? Get out of jail free/September 14th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 ran in to the lounge waving today's copy of the impartial DM. "Lord Wichie want Thatch to go on trial for football disaster!" she squealed. Well, Rich, I calmly took hold of the newspaper and perused your Friday hissy fit. I then tried to explain to Mrs Bob that she had, as usual, mis-read your esteemed column and that you were not implicating old witch Thatcher in the Hillsborough cover up even though many people are now beginning to do so. "Lord Richie supports old style Sweeney hard nut policing" I explained "just as he supports the lunatic economic policies of Tory govts from the 80s. He'd much rather rant against a poor frustrated Afghan immigrant who lobbed a brick than criticise the woman who single handedly took a wrecking ball to this great country of ours." Mrs Bob looked at me in shock - aghast that anyone should want a return to 1980s Thatcherite madness. Tut-tut. Immigrants like Mrs Bob really don't understand bonkers Britain do they Rich ?

Sorry seems to be the easiest word, Dave/September 10th 2012.

Richie - We regulars in the Come-to-Piddle village snug are wondering if Tory Toff Shameron will apologise for the vile Thatcher & Major governments of the 80s. After Thatcher's wrecking ball decimated the nation's manufacturing base, tore apart communities, flogged off the family silver and waged war against hard working families - the consequences of which we poor Brits are all still suffering - the least this wet-behind-the-ears Bullingdon Boy could do is say sorry for the lunatic Tory administrations of the past. In fact, Old Wob now wonders if it's time for CMD to quietly retire and hand over to Ed, Ed & Vince before this unelected Coagulation does even more damage to the economy. The proof is in the puddy, as dear old Grannie Roberts used to say, and, after a stellar summer of public sector Olympic achievement, it looks as though the Tories' austerity goose has been well and truly cooked! Shameron - get thee to a retirement home for failed Tory politicians I say!

He Who Dares Burgles.../September 7th 2012.

Richie- Would you Adam and Eve it! A vile burglar was caught red-handed in our village only last week! The critter broke into the multi-pound mansion of a local hard working hedge fund manager, crept into the kitchen and stole a tin of sardines from the fridge. It just so happened that one of my crack team of immigrant security guards was patrolling the area and apprehended the naer-do-well. We were surprised, Rich, when the burglar turned out to be an 82 year old female pensioner and well known bag lady of these parts. Needless to say she gave some cock n bull story about government cuts and her inability to pay soaring heating bills but we didn't buy a word of it. Many villagers wanted to carry out summary punishment with the hedge fund manager suggesting we cut off her hands and tying them round her neck as a warning to other thieves. In the end we gave her ten minutes in the village ducking stool and told the sodden old hag to sling her hook. These vile specimens need to be taught a lesson as I'm sure you'll agree I say! (Hic! Fart!)

Fat Barry: Paralympic gold medal fraudster/September 4th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob and the people of the British Isles salute you sir, for having the courage to speak out against the lavish funds given by this vile unelected Coagulation to fraudulent private sector spivs! Fearless Lord Richie, Bwitain's Bestest Columnist, has at last highlighted the fury - nay, the volcanic outrage - felt by hard working DM readers as they see their tax money squandered on worthless private enterprises while our heroic public sector endures round after round of viscious cuts. The Porkies uttered by Chancellor Gideon Nobrain, that the nation's "wealth creators" will lead us all to prosperity, has been shown up for what it is - the deranged ramblings of a mentally unbalanced Toffy-Nosed Toad! G4S, A4E, hedge fund operators, Fat Barry - billions handed over in brown envelopes to the feckless and undeserving while hard working families are driven ever further into misery and poverty! Well done Richie! You are a true hero of the working classes! Lord Littlewon stands in the vanguard against lunatic Thatcherism! Long may it continue I say! (Hic!)