Welcome to the Equality Hotline, for Scribble press 3/July 30th 2012.

Richie - Yesterday's DM said that members of the cabinet attended a rehearsal of Sir Danny Boyle's Olympic extravaganza. Can you imagine, Rich, what must have gone through plummy Gove's mind ? "Oh my goodness...the Lefties have taken over the opening ceremony...There are people of ethnic origin amongst the performers...They're celebrating Great Ormond Street and the NHS! They're saying that capitalism is ripping the heart out of our green and pleasant land! Where is the Rejoice Rejoice of Thatcherism and all things Right Wing ? Call Dave! Call Dave! Abort! Abort!" In fact, Rich, I have it on good authority that in a section called British Right Wing Windbags, Lord Danny wanted you, Mel Philips, Kelvin McKenzie and Simon Heffer to emerge from wheelie bins, have a good rant about the pinko socialist Olympics, before being carted off in an NHS ambulance in straightjackets bound for Broadmoor! Unfortunately there wasn't enough time and it was a choice between you and Dizzee Rascal! No contest I say!