Mind How You Go Awards 2011/March 1st 2011.
Richie - Last night was the annual Right Wing Windbags of the Year awards ceremony in the snug of our village local and I can report that all regulars were well suited and booted for the occasion. Up for grabs were the famous Windbag statuettes, cast in papier mache by local schoolchildren and fashioned in the shape of an overweight, vomit-drenched Fleet Street journo. Many of the awards were rather predictable. Sarah Palin won US Fruitcake of the Year for the third time and the EDL again beat the ailing BNP to the Knuckledraggers award. Mad Mel Philips grabbed another Howling at the Moon gong while Cuddly Nick Griffin was the ever-popular winner of the Funny Walks prize. However, you'll be pleased to learn that you won top honour - the prestigious Right Wing Windbag of the Year. Arthur Groat accepted the "Windy" on your behalf and made a long rambling speech about gay coppers, evil McBroon, and recycling bins that sent the audience into a deep slumber. Old Arfur did you proud I say!
Monday
Friday
Dunkirk? No, it's more like Carry On Follow That Camel/February 25th 2011.
Richie - Yesterday was ConDem night in the snug of our village local and what mirth and merriment we had! Regulars had to dress up as a member of this truly inept government and we spent most of the evening running around like headless chickens apologising for our mistakes! Arthur Groat donned a body suit made out of three bales of hay and came as lardy Squire Pickles while Marcia Braithwaite impersonated tree-lover Spelman, complete with ketchup and comedy knife in the back courtesy of the PM. Dr Singh wandered aimlessly as Deputy Dawg Clegg and Frances, our landlady, did a fine impression of 16 pints Hague by strapping the remains of an ostrich egg onto her head! Of course, I donned my Bullingdon suit and played slimeball Shameron while Mrs Bob No 3 wore vampire fangs and cloak and came as Slasher Osbourne. The evening ended with a toast to our great former PM Blair whose foresight in dealing with Mad Dog Gaddafi has most likely prevented nuclear war in the Mid East! Chins up I say!
Richie - Yesterday was ConDem night in the snug of our village local and what mirth and merriment we had! Regulars had to dress up as a member of this truly inept government and we spent most of the evening running around like headless chickens apologising for our mistakes! Arthur Groat donned a body suit made out of three bales of hay and came as lardy Squire Pickles while Marcia Braithwaite impersonated tree-lover Spelman, complete with ketchup and comedy knife in the back courtesy of the PM. Dr Singh wandered aimlessly as Deputy Dawg Clegg and Frances, our landlady, did a fine impression of 16 pints Hague by strapping the remains of an ostrich egg onto her head! Of course, I donned my Bullingdon suit and played slimeball Shameron while Mrs Bob No 3 wore vampire fangs and cloak and came as Slasher Osbourne. The evening ended with a toast to our great former PM Blair whose foresight in dealing with Mad Dog Gaddafi has most likely prevented nuclear war in the Mid East! Chins up I say!
Tuesday
What on earth is Call Me Dave doing in Egypt?/February 23rd 2011.
Richie - With Mrs Bob No 3 safely packed away at rehearsals for the operatic society's spring production, I settled in my comfy chair with a snifter or three and caught-up with my favourite programmes on Auntie Beeb's wonderful iPlayer. And what a superb choice of entertainment our national broadcaster offers! Drama, current affairs, light entertainment, the best in sport and music - how lucky we are to have this national institution at our fingertips. I was particularly taken by the series The Human Planet - in fact, so enthralled that I watched six episodes in one sitting! My favourite bit was when the men of the Wodaabe tribe, smeared in red paint, adorned in the feathers of the paradise bird, and looking like exotic clowns, danced manically for their womenfolk in the hope of getting a date! It was such a sight, these showboaters huffing, puffing and preening to get themselves noticed, that I was at once reminded of our useless, unelected, blushing PM's visit to Egypt! Mad I say!
Richie - With Mrs Bob No 3 safely packed away at rehearsals for the operatic society's spring production, I settled in my comfy chair with a snifter or three and caught-up with my favourite programmes on Auntie Beeb's wonderful iPlayer. And what a superb choice of entertainment our national broadcaster offers! Drama, current affairs, light entertainment, the best in sport and music - how lucky we are to have this national institution at our fingertips. I was particularly taken by the series The Human Planet - in fact, so enthralled that I watched six episodes in one sitting! My favourite bit was when the men of the Wodaabe tribe, smeared in red paint, adorned in the feathers of the paradise bird, and looking like exotic clowns, danced manically for their womenfolk in the hope of getting a date! It was such a sight, these showboaters huffing, puffing and preening to get themselves noticed, that I was at once reminded of our useless, unelected, blushing PM's visit to Egypt! Mad I say!
Friday
Why it's time to call time on Question Time/February 18th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to give Question Time a good kicking! I have long held the view that Auntie Beeb's flagship political programme has become nothing more than a farce! The left-wing, BBC luvvies are forever cramming the panel with unsavoury individuals who do not reflect the thinking of the country as a whole - Pickles, Dunkin-Donut, Gideon Osbourne, the list is endless! I truly believe that Nick Griffin's tea was spiked with hallucinogenic drugs before he appeared, rendering him an incoherent lunatic and Holocaust-denier! We all know that cuddly Nick is a top geezer who usually speaks eloquently about all manner of wide-ranging subjects, including Nazi uniforms, Eva Braun's hair laquer and dear Adolf's love for German shepherds! But really, last night's programme took the biscuit! Whose idea was it to include bumbling stand-up comedian Nigel Farage on the panel ? It was nothing less than a blatant lefty plot to discredit the anti-EU cause! Bring back Listen With Mother I say!
Richie - How right you are to give Question Time a good kicking! I have long held the view that Auntie Beeb's flagship political programme has become nothing more than a farce! The left-wing, BBC luvvies are forever cramming the panel with unsavoury individuals who do not reflect the thinking of the country as a whole - Pickles, Dunkin-Donut, Gideon Osbourne, the list is endless! I truly believe that Nick Griffin's tea was spiked with hallucinogenic drugs before he appeared, rendering him an incoherent lunatic and Holocaust-denier! We all know that cuddly Nick is a top geezer who usually speaks eloquently about all manner of wide-ranging subjects, including Nazi uniforms, Eva Braun's hair laquer and dear Adolf's love for German shepherds! But really, last night's programme took the biscuit! Whose idea was it to include bumbling stand-up comedian Nigel Farage on the panel ? It was nothing less than a blatant lefty plot to discredit the anti-EU cause! Bring back Listen With Mother I say!
Tuesday
Those wicked 'Tory cuts' - women and children first/February 15th 2011.
Richie - I was intrigued to see a council job ad in our local newspaper, the Come-To-Piddle Blusterer, seeking two "Counselling Officers" to help people who have been scared half to death by reading Right-Wing Windbag Columnists like yourself. I made my way pronto to the local library to do further research but sadly it had already shut down. No matter, old Wob persevered, and managed to collar a council offcial in the know on the steps of county hall. Wishing to remain anonymous she said that more and more folk are becoming clinically depressed through reading the lunatic ramblings of yourself and Mel Philips. "Everybody knows Cameron is trying to palm the blame for cuts onto Tory and LibDem councils and that his Big Society is an embarrassing sham. By helping people negotiate govt propaganda in a safe and caring environment these posts will help save the NHS millions." In fact, she whispered, some people had become so obsessed with Lord Richie they wrote to him twice a week! Mad I say!
Richie - I was intrigued to see a council job ad in our local newspaper, the Come-To-Piddle Blusterer, seeking two "Counselling Officers" to help people who have been scared half to death by reading Right-Wing Windbag Columnists like yourself. I made my way pronto to the local library to do further research but sadly it had already shut down. No matter, old Wob persevered, and managed to collar a council offcial in the know on the steps of county hall. Wishing to remain anonymous she said that more and more folk are becoming clinically depressed through reading the lunatic ramblings of yourself and Mel Philips. "Everybody knows Cameron is trying to palm the blame for cuts onto Tory and LibDem councils and that his Big Society is an embarrassing sham. By helping people negotiate govt propaganda in a safe and caring environment these posts will help save the NHS millions." In fact, she whispered, some people had become so obsessed with Lord Richie they wrote to him twice a week! Mad I say!
Friday
Duck and duchesse potatoes for me, Fernando, and just a rocket salad for the bride-to-be.../February 11th 2011.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3 and her gaggle of playmates arrived at Castle Roberts to carry out rehearsals for the upcoming operatic society's spring production. The original plan, a version of Hello Dolly set in the Gorbals, has been scrapped and replaced by a new work called Dopey Dave's Big Society, written and directed by happy clappy Rev Pritchard. The musical is set in a post-apocalyptic Britain that has been decimated by spending cuts. The vile medieval thought-police persecute minorities and imprison single mothers and the unemployed are forced to work in global corporations for slave wages. Of course I did my best to ignore the screetching and wailing that passes for singing these days until it was announced that the Rev had written me a cameo role! I play a washed-up Right-wing columnist, government apologist and self-appointed windbag of the people named Dickie! How does our talented Rev think up these wonderful fictional characters I wonder ?
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when Mrs Bob No 3 and her gaggle of playmates arrived at Castle Roberts to carry out rehearsals for the upcoming operatic society's spring production. The original plan, a version of Hello Dolly set in the Gorbals, has been scrapped and replaced by a new work called Dopey Dave's Big Society, written and directed by happy clappy Rev Pritchard. The musical is set in a post-apocalyptic Britain that has been decimated by spending cuts. The vile medieval thought-police persecute minorities and imprison single mothers and the unemployed are forced to work in global corporations for slave wages. Of course I did my best to ignore the screetching and wailing that passes for singing these days until it was announced that the Rev had written me a cameo role! I play a washed-up Right-wing columnist, government apologist and self-appointed windbag of the people named Dickie! How does our talented Rev think up these wonderful fictional characters I wonder ?
Monday
Jungle drums and the politics of hate/February 8th 2011.
Richie - After cropping my hair, buying a pair of cherry red Dr Martens and having a swastika tattooed on my forearm, I go undercover dahn the Dog n Duck in Luton on Saturdy and infiltrate the EDL gathering. In the snug I meet up with three "patriots" named Chopper, Blubber and Psycho. "Them filthy foreigners take all our jobs" says Chopper, who's been happy on the dole for the past ten years. "Darkies eat strange food" says Blubber, tucking in to a plate of chips and curry sauce. "It's the rag-heads who are to blame for the cut in wheelie-bin collections" says Psycho, trying hard to read the cartoon in The Sun. We down several pints and march outside to greet the hundreds of thousands of EDL supporters. But, after scaring a few Asian nippers in a school playground and performing Deutchland Uber Alles with our arms held aloft, we realise that only a few hundred racist fruitcakes have bothered to turn up and about-turn to the pub for more ale and live footy! Mad in Sham-Cam's Ingurland, I say!
Richie - After cropping my hair, buying a pair of cherry red Dr Martens and having a swastika tattooed on my forearm, I go undercover dahn the Dog n Duck in Luton on Saturdy and infiltrate the EDL gathering. In the snug I meet up with three "patriots" named Chopper, Blubber and Psycho. "Them filthy foreigners take all our jobs" says Chopper, who's been happy on the dole for the past ten years. "Darkies eat strange food" says Blubber, tucking in to a plate of chips and curry sauce. "It's the rag-heads who are to blame for the cut in wheelie-bin collections" says Psycho, trying hard to read the cartoon in The Sun. We down several pints and march outside to greet the hundreds of thousands of EDL supporters. But, after scaring a few Asian nippers in a school playground and performing Deutchland Uber Alles with our arms held aloft, we realise that only a few hundred racist fruitcakes have bothered to turn up and about-turn to the pub for more ale and live footy! Mad in Sham-Cam's Ingurland, I say!
Thursday
From Cairo we go live to London where things are even worse.../February 4th 2011.
Richie - In my regal capacity as school governor I was invited to observe a sixth form Media Studies class at my local comp today. To add flavour I suggested to Miss that the young whippersnappers spent time studying your esteemed column. And study they did, Rich, perusing your hallowed words with silent vim and vigour that surprised all. Eventually a chap named Emo put up his hand and said: "Is this crap, like er, for real ?" I assured Emo that yes Lord Littlewon was indeed "for real" and represented a cherished tradition of political satire dating back to Swift. A girl with a stud through her nose shook her pretty head and said: "This really is like, er, major major crap. Nothing about tuition fees, nothing about the cuts in ed maintenance. Is this guy some kind of Right Wing fruitcake ?" I tried to defend your honour, Richie, but acknowledged that perhaps today's offering wasn't your finest hour and we moved on to a more relevant dude named Dickens. The Yoof of today, eh ?
Richie - In my regal capacity as school governor I was invited to observe a sixth form Media Studies class at my local comp today. To add flavour I suggested to Miss that the young whippersnappers spent time studying your esteemed column. And study they did, Rich, perusing your hallowed words with silent vim and vigour that surprised all. Eventually a chap named Emo put up his hand and said: "Is this crap, like er, for real ?" I assured Emo that yes Lord Littlewon was indeed "for real" and represented a cherished tradition of political satire dating back to Swift. A girl with a stud through her nose shook her pretty head and said: "This really is like, er, major major crap. Nothing about tuition fees, nothing about the cuts in ed maintenance. Is this guy some kind of Right Wing fruitcake ?" I tried to defend your honour, Richie, but acknowledged that perhaps today's offering wasn't your finest hour and we moved on to a more relevant dude named Dickens. The Yoof of today, eh ?
Tuesday
Good evening, caller, you're through to Jackboots Jacqui/February 1st 2011.
Richie - I was lounging in my comfy chair last Friday reading a biography of Le Petomane, the famous French flatulist. And what an interesting book it was! Did you know that this famous French farter didn't actually release any obnoxious gases during his stage act, being so talented that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles ? I also learned that he was by trade a baker and returned to his original profession late on in life before his death in 1945. Of course, I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to perfect my own version of the 1812 overture and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds suite, much to Mrs Bob No 3's disgust. But I must have made some progress because our next door neighbour threatened to call the fire brigade if my trumpeting didn't end! Eventually, exhausted by my noxious efforts, I remembered that Friday was the day you published your esteemed column Rich and returned to my chair! Mad I say!
Richie - I was lounging in my comfy chair last Friday reading a biography of Le Petomane, the famous French flatulist. And what an interesting book it was! Did you know that this famous French farter didn't actually release any obnoxious gases during his stage act, being so talented that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles ? I also learned that he was by trade a baker and returned to his original profession late on in life before his death in 1945. Of course, I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to perfect my own version of the 1812 overture and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds suite, much to Mrs Bob No 3's disgust. But I must have made some progress because our next door neighbour threatened to call the fire brigade if my trumpeting didn't end! Eventually, exhausted by my noxious efforts, I remembered that Friday was the day you published your esteemed column Rich and returned to my chair! Mad I say!
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