It's the jolly boys' outing - directed by Quentin Tarantino/April 1st 2011.
Richie - How right you are to highlight in your esteemed column the vile EDL - that rag-tag of overweight tattooed baldies who can usually be found cheering on Millwall and Norman Tebbit at The Den! These racist, incoherent, belly-brains represent the worst of our sacred isle and it is heartening to know that you, Lord Richie, Britain's Bestest Columnist by far, are prepared to stand up and denounce the violence and terror these thugs bring to our streets. It is an affront to democracy that a few hundred drunks masquerading as English 'patriots' are allowed to inflict fear, division and intolerance into proud upstanding communities, so much so that hair-brained schemes to bus anti-social kids to Blackpool are given the nod. How different to the peaceful law-abiding public sector workers last week! That true English gent Sir Bobby Robson got it right when, as manager of Ipswich, watching the Millwall Nazis riot in 1978, he said to bring in the flamethrowers! That's the spirit I say!
Thursday
Tuesday
Heaven knows, Call Me Dave could use a young Norman Tebbit today/March 29th 2011.
Richie - You may have been asleep over the weekend (or just watching Fox News) so allow me to bring you up to date with the important news. Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a thrilling few days in the capital where, along with half a million other hard working upstanding types, we marched against the vile unelected ConDem govt, leaving wet-behind-the-ears Cameron n Clegg in no doubt that proud British workers will not roll over and take their viscious cuts lightly! The atmosphere was friendly but doggedly defiant. The nurses, teachers, social workers, library staff, police, waste-operatives and fire workers who marched are the backbone of this nation - not the greedy bankers and Tory fat cats who are currently leading us all into the gutter. And as for Gormless Norman Tebbit - given the choice of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with either proud public sector workers or BNP footy hooligans from Millwall I know which the overwhelming majority of people would choose I say!
Richie - You may have been asleep over the weekend (or just watching Fox News) so allow me to bring you up to date with the important news. Mrs Bob No 3 and I have just returned from a thrilling few days in the capital where, along with half a million other hard working upstanding types, we marched against the vile unelected ConDem govt, leaving wet-behind-the-ears Cameron n Clegg in no doubt that proud British workers will not roll over and take their viscious cuts lightly! The atmosphere was friendly but doggedly defiant. The nurses, teachers, social workers, library staff, police, waste-operatives and fire workers who marched are the backbone of this nation - not the greedy bankers and Tory fat cats who are currently leading us all into the gutter. And as for Gormless Norman Tebbit - given the choice of standing shoulder-to-shoulder with either proud public sector workers or BNP footy hooligans from Millwall I know which the overwhelming majority of people would choose I say!
Friday
Who's the Wally with the Golly?/March 2th 2011.
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair trying to think of something suitable to buy my precocious grandson, Bob Roberts Jnr, as a gift for his eleventh birthday. Young Bob has set himself the goal of becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40 and demands we only buy him biographies of political titans of the age - Clinton, Mandelson, Blair, the cheeky chappie has read em all! But all work and no play makes Bob jnr dull, I say. So imagine my delight when I discovered a novelty gift doll called the WallyJohn! With puffed-up cheeks and an ample corsage, the WallyJohn is modelled on that peculiar breed of Right Wing media windbag who goes out of their way to be politically incorrect. Well, Wallyjohn proved to be a big hit with Bob jnr. He especially enjoyed the pull-cord at the rear of the doll that turned Wallyjohn purple and activated the catch-phrase "Who cares about the Japs!" The last I saw Bob jnr had invented a game called earthquakes and buried Wallyjohn in the garden! Mad I say!
Richie - I was sitting in my comfy chair trying to think of something suitable to buy my precocious grandson, Bob Roberts Jnr, as a gift for his eleventh birthday. Young Bob has set himself the goal of becoming Labour PM by the time he's 40 and demands we only buy him biographies of political titans of the age - Clinton, Mandelson, Blair, the cheeky chappie has read em all! But all work and no play makes Bob jnr dull, I say. So imagine my delight when I discovered a novelty gift doll called the WallyJohn! With puffed-up cheeks and an ample corsage, the WallyJohn is modelled on that peculiar breed of Right Wing media windbag who goes out of their way to be politically incorrect. Well, Wallyjohn proved to be a big hit with Bob jnr. He especially enjoyed the pull-cord at the rear of the doll that turned Wallyjohn purple and activated the catch-phrase "Who cares about the Japs!" The last I saw Bob jnr had invented a game called earthquakes and buried Wallyjohn in the garden! Mad I say!
Monday
Why my wife's PoW grandad wouldn't mark a minute's silence for the Japanese/March 22nd 2011.
Richie - We were enjoying weekend snifters in the snug and watching the latest news from Japan on the 60 inch flat screen tv behind the bar when a couple of gobby BNP activists walked in and demanded ale. Needless to say, Rich, our snug is welcome to all who observe common decency and manners. But these two invertebrates rubbed us up the wrong way with their spiteful comments. "Who cares about Japan!" one mumbled. "They're not like us, they've got funny eyes" sniggered his dozy mate. But our anger reached boiling point when the first shouted for all to hear: "The Japs lost the war and ain't gonna discover a cure for cancer! Who gives a toss!" It was at this point that my dear Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3 (who, incidentally, has family members living in Tokyo) executed a mid-air Bruce Lee-style kung-fu chop that blasted the nasty critters out of the door and onto their backsides in the street where they belong. That's what makes this country great I say! Eh, Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?
Richie - We were enjoying weekend snifters in the snug and watching the latest news from Japan on the 60 inch flat screen tv behind the bar when a couple of gobby BNP activists walked in and demanded ale. Needless to say, Rich, our snug is welcome to all who observe common decency and manners. But these two invertebrates rubbed us up the wrong way with their spiteful comments. "Who cares about Japan!" one mumbled. "They're not like us, they've got funny eyes" sniggered his dozy mate. But our anger reached boiling point when the first shouted for all to hear: "The Japs lost the war and ain't gonna discover a cure for cancer! Who gives a toss!" It was at this point that my dear Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3 (who, incidentally, has family members living in Tokyo) executed a mid-air Bruce Lee-style kung-fu chop that blasted the nasty critters out of the door and onto their backsides in the street where they belong. That's what makes this country great I say! Eh, Rich ? Rich ? You there Rich ?
Thursday
Next on the BBC... those wicked Tory cuts in full/March 11th 2011.
Richie - How right you are to give the Marxist-Leninist Broadcasting Corporation a good kicking! Who cares if Plod, lentil-munching teechers, firefighters, a few Florence Nightingales and far-away squaddies have their pensions decimated! They should all thank their lucky stars that pious Lord Gideon hasn't had to tax the air they breathe thanks to vile Gordy's reckless spending as he baled out the banks! I say the wealthy public sector spongers should give back their gold-plated pensions of 5k a year and help fund poor 27m a year Bob Diamond's struggle to put Barclays on an even keel! And Richie I was shocked - nay appalled - to see that dozy bird from The One Show wearing a red dress the other night...proof if it were needed that the odious Beeb is riddled with Trots! It's about time the tv licence was ended, I say, then we could all pay Saint Rupert 100 quid a month to watch live topless casino and the Sarah Palin Show! Well done Richie - cutting edge journalism at its best (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to give the Marxist-Leninist Broadcasting Corporation a good kicking! Who cares if Plod, lentil-munching teechers, firefighters, a few Florence Nightingales and far-away squaddies have their pensions decimated! They should all thank their lucky stars that pious Lord Gideon hasn't had to tax the air they breathe thanks to vile Gordy's reckless spending as he baled out the banks! I say the wealthy public sector spongers should give back their gold-plated pensions of 5k a year and help fund poor 27m a year Bob Diamond's struggle to put Barclays on an even keel! And Richie I was shocked - nay appalled - to see that dozy bird from The One Show wearing a red dress the other night...proof if it were needed that the odious Beeb is riddled with Trots! It's about time the tv licence was ended, I say, then we could all pay Saint Rupert 100 quid a month to watch live topless casino and the Sarah Palin Show! Well done Richie - cutting edge journalism at its best (Hic!)
Tuesday
Look out, Mr Mackay, it's Genial Hattie Grout/March 8th 2011.
Richie - I was sitting at table waiting for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 to serve me breakfast when I caught the sweet aromas of an unknown meat product sizzling in the pan. "Today we eat white woyal bwekfast, Wob!" Mrs Bob pronounced and set before me a plate of the most luscious bacon and eggs I've ever seen. It transpired that she had (at no small expense, I might add) been out buying Duchy Originals, the organically farmed and hand-spoken-to foodstuffs reared among the lush royal estates by Prince Charles. All profits from this noble organisation no doubt go to the deserving poor and as the bacon melted on my tongue and Mrs Bob nibbled on a succulent Royal chipolata I thought how lucky we are to be ruled by the House of Windsor. All of us have a few dubious buddies and poor much-maligned Prince Andrew is no different. Why, a good friend of mine once punched the chairman of the local Tory association on the hooter and I've never held it against him! God bless our royals I say!
Richie - I was sitting at table waiting for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 to serve me breakfast when I caught the sweet aromas of an unknown meat product sizzling in the pan. "Today we eat white woyal bwekfast, Wob!" Mrs Bob pronounced and set before me a plate of the most luscious bacon and eggs I've ever seen. It transpired that she had (at no small expense, I might add) been out buying Duchy Originals, the organically farmed and hand-spoken-to foodstuffs reared among the lush royal estates by Prince Charles. All profits from this noble organisation no doubt go to the deserving poor and as the bacon melted on my tongue and Mrs Bob nibbled on a succulent Royal chipolata I thought how lucky we are to be ruled by the House of Windsor. All of us have a few dubious buddies and poor much-maligned Prince Andrew is no different. Why, a good friend of mine once punched the chairman of the local Tory association on the hooter and I've never held it against him! God bless our royals I say!
Friday
Sack the sniffer wardens - not soldiers or cops/March 4th 2011.
Richie - I've just returned from Barnsley oop north after helping Labour give a bloody nose to Calamity Clegg and the vile unelected Sorry I Haven't A Clue govt. Whilst there I popped round to see my old chum Dave Salt, Trades Union activist and George Formby impersonator extraordinaire, who's busy planning a few Days of Rage in the capital. Whilst stoking the fire and dipping our lard cakes into our brew old Dave perused your esteemed column before chucking the DM into the flames "where it belongs". "I don't know about you, Bob, but it's the lazy, tax-evading journos who need to be culled, not coppers and squaddies putting their lives on the line." Well, I defended your honour, Richie, and said that you were feeling the squeeze just like everyone else. Why, I said, after 40 years hard graft poor Lord Littlewon has only just scraped together enough cash to buy a replacement bed! But Dave wasn't listening - he was too busy barking "Cleggy! Cleggy! Cleggy! Out! Out! Out!" with his army of Trotskyite whippets! Mad I say!
Richie - I've just returned from Barnsley oop north after helping Labour give a bloody nose to Calamity Clegg and the vile unelected Sorry I Haven't A Clue govt. Whilst there I popped round to see my old chum Dave Salt, Trades Union activist and George Formby impersonator extraordinaire, who's busy planning a few Days of Rage in the capital. Whilst stoking the fire and dipping our lard cakes into our brew old Dave perused your esteemed column before chucking the DM into the flames "where it belongs". "I don't know about you, Bob, but it's the lazy, tax-evading journos who need to be culled, not coppers and squaddies putting their lives on the line." Well, I defended your honour, Richie, and said that you were feeling the squeeze just like everyone else. Why, I said, after 40 years hard graft poor Lord Littlewon has only just scraped together enough cash to buy a replacement bed! But Dave wasn't listening - he was too busy barking "Cleggy! Cleggy! Cleggy! Out! Out! Out!" with his army of Trotskyite whippets! Mad I say!
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