Freeze! It’s Dixon of Glock Green/May 1st 2012

Richie - How right you are to have an almighty hissy fit about our once beloved Plod! How dare the boys (and gals! PC! PC!) discard their mammary-shaped helmets for Ruskie balaclavas and their serrated rubber truncheons for glockenspiel pistols! But Plod isn't the only profession that's changed for the worst, Richie. Why, only yesterday I fell upon a money-grubbing rodent (formerly known as a journalist) rifling through my saucy neighbour Marcia Braithwaite's bins in the hope of discovering soiled undergarments or other items of titillation to splash across the front page. Having cornered the vile critter he confessed that his ambition was to usurp your good self as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist and dish the dirt on the great and the good and whoever else the Aussie Dirty Digger deems surplus to requirements! "I mean, it's every journos dream to have a gig like Littlejohn, mouthing off twice a week about Labour and the unions" he said. "That way you don't have to go out in the cold and do real research like wot I'm doin now!" Mad in ShamCam and Glegg's Bwoken Bwitain I say!