Wednesday
'Wanna buy a cheap sheep for supper?' How meat theft and rustling are making a comeback in these austere times/April 23rd 2012.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! I looked through my french windows this morning and saw a Lesser Spotted Right Wing Windbag staring at me! Well, as a wet behind the ears liberal, Old Wob didn't consider blasting it with a shotgun. Instead I opened the frenchies and invited the creature in. As you know the Lesser Spotted Right Wing Windbag carries about its personage a foul odour and miserable angry demenour, fuming and dribbling at all and sundry. But its a scientific fact the species is really pining for love and affection and before long it was rolling on its back having its tummy and nether regions well and truly tickled! But in payment for my good nature the 2-faced creature deposited a mound of steaming effluence on my Wilton carpet and was subsequently booted out pronto! Last I saw it had crawled into next door's wheelie bin, it's natural habitat or so I'm told, and came to a messy end when a cleansing operative failed to check inside and chucked it in the masher! Mad I say!
Friday
Theresa May has been done up like a kipper over Abu Qatada/April 20th 2012.
Richie - Old Wob breathed a sigh of relief this morning as Ma Roberts finally climbed into her Range Rover and returned to the Tory shires after her extended Easter visit. But alas poor Ma left these parts not in the best of humour, having witnessed Teresa "Kitten Heels" May's balls-up of the Qatada deportation ontop of "Vlad the Impaler" Osbourne's botched budget and Wisteria's hilarious stand-up routine as he tried to convince the British public he partakes of a Cornish pastie now and again! "After 50 years a Tory Party member I'm going to rip up my membership card" she snivelled. "This is a government of first class incompetents and nincompoops, Wob!" Ma will now join the small number of loons and fruitcakes howling at the moon in support of anti-europe UKIP even though they had trouble spelling out to her their other policies when she rang to enquire about membership. "But we do enjoy a jolly get together once a week with champers and canapes" they said and that seemed enough to seal the deal! Mad in Sham & Cleggy's Bwoken Bwitain I say!
Tuesday
Taxing fast food won’t persuade people to eat lentils and mung beans/April 17th 2012.
Richie - Ma Roberts has been gracing us with her presence over Easter and invited round one of her Tory big-wig chums from these parts to partake in afternoon refreshment. Old Wob was duly banished from his own castle to the snug while Ma plied the goofy toff with my best snifters and fancies. Not content, the greedy porker sweet-talked his host into raiding the Roberts larder, wolfing down all and sundry, including my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's jar of honeyed cockroaches, a Thai delicacy but not for the faint hearted! Well, soon the Thatcherite nob was writhing on the floor complaining of a cardiac arrest and Old Wob was called to ferry him to A & E pronto where he moaned about the service and the number of ethnics who'd just happened to save his life. The staff had their fill when he ordered the nurses to deliver him his copy of the DM along with a full English and he was summarily kicked out this morning. Get these greedy Coalition hogs packed off to boot camp I say! (Hic! Fart!)
Richie - Ma Roberts has been gracing us with her presence over Easter and invited round one of her Tory big-wig chums from these parts to partake in afternoon refreshment. Old Wob was duly banished from his own castle to the snug while Ma plied the goofy toff with my best snifters and fancies. Not content, the greedy porker sweet-talked his host into raiding the Roberts larder, wolfing down all and sundry, including my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3's jar of honeyed cockroaches, a Thai delicacy but not for the faint hearted! Well, soon the Thatcherite nob was writhing on the floor complaining of a cardiac arrest and Old Wob was called to ferry him to A & E pronto where he moaned about the service and the number of ethnics who'd just happened to save his life. The staff had their fill when he ordered the nurses to deliver him his copy of the DM along with a full English and he was summarily kicked out this morning. Get these greedy Coalition hogs packed off to boot camp I say! (Hic! Fart!)
Friday
Coming up after the latest Salford news Corporation Street/April 13th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit about the Marxist Pol Pottist Trotskyite Arfur Scargill-worshipping Auntie Beeb's move to miserable drizzly Salford! Old Wob worked oop north when he was a nipper and what a grim place he remembers it to be! Full of strange northern folk who didn't at all speak Her Madge's lingo like wot we do Rich - all Commies and Trades Unionists who thought hard working ordinary folk should earn a decent wage and pension for their labour and enjoy a fully funded health care system that treats all and not just the wealthy few! Pah! Dangerous ideas as I'm sure you'll agree Rich! Why the delectable Susanna Reid wants to grace the cobbles with her abundant presence is beyond me! She ought to be shimmying dahn the old King's Road in her Laboutins, dopey good-looking bird like 'er, eh Rich ? In depth reports about phone-hacking, Syria, poverty and cuts - da Beeb ought to do some proper journalism and write about wheelie bins like Bwitain's Bestest Columnist!
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit about the Marxist Pol Pottist Trotskyite Arfur Scargill-worshipping Auntie Beeb's move to miserable drizzly Salford! Old Wob worked oop north when he was a nipper and what a grim place he remembers it to be! Full of strange northern folk who didn't at all speak Her Madge's lingo like wot we do Rich - all Commies and Trades Unionists who thought hard working ordinary folk should earn a decent wage and pension for their labour and enjoy a fully funded health care system that treats all and not just the wealthy few! Pah! Dangerous ideas as I'm sure you'll agree Rich! Why the delectable Susanna Reid wants to grace the cobbles with her abundant presence is beyond me! She ought to be shimmying dahn the old King's Road in her Laboutins, dopey good-looking bird like 'er, eh Rich ? In depth reports about phone-hacking, Syria, poverty and cuts - da Beeb ought to do some proper journalism and write about wheelie bins like Bwitain's Bestest Columnist!
Tuesday
On your Marx, it's the People's Protest Games/April 9th 2012.
Richie - Dear old mumsy (a blue rinse Tory Little Englander of the highest order) has graced us with her presence over Easter and this morning at brekkie she commandeered my copy of the DM eager to aquaint herself with Lord Richie's esteemed column. "Haw Haw Haw" she guffawed regarding your quip about the protester who scaled the shard. "Quite right too! Would've served the silly winker right if he'd fallen orf!" There followed an even louder "Ra! Ra! Ra!" as she poured over your pronouncements regarding boat race pooper Tenton Oldfield. "Put him against a wall I say and give it with both barrels!" she railed before ordering my dear Thai wife - or "the maid" as mumsy not very affectionally calls her - to pour more tea. It was only when she started reading your piece about polar bears that she looked somewhat dejected. "Pah! Can't silly Richie check his facts ? Everybody knows that polar bears don't eat penguins. They eat squirrels and live in Siberia! Hurry up with the bally toast, ffs maid! Really, you really can't get the staff these days can you!" Mad I say!
Richie - Dear old mumsy (a blue rinse Tory Little Englander of the highest order) has graced us with her presence over Easter and this morning at brekkie she commandeered my copy of the DM eager to aquaint herself with Lord Richie's esteemed column. "Haw Haw Haw" she guffawed regarding your quip about the protester who scaled the shard. "Quite right too! Would've served the silly winker right if he'd fallen orf!" There followed an even louder "Ra! Ra! Ra!" as she poured over your pronouncements regarding boat race pooper Tenton Oldfield. "Put him against a wall I say and give it with both barrels!" she railed before ordering my dear Thai wife - or "the maid" as mumsy not very affectionally calls her - to pour more tea. It was only when she started reading your piece about polar bears that she looked somewhat dejected. "Pah! Can't silly Richie check his facts ? Everybody knows that polar bears don't eat penguins. They eat squirrels and live in Siberia! Hurry up with the bally toast, ffs maid! Really, you really can't get the staff these days can you!" Mad I say!
Friday
If you simply want to make someone's life a misery, press 3/April 6th 2012.
Richie - Just as I was settling down for a quiet Easter weekend in my comfy chair with a large snifter or three I heard the unmistakable crunch of familiar tyres on my driveway gravel. I peered through the curtains and sure enough saw the redoubtable figure of Ma Roberts clambering out of her Range Rover. "Hurry along Wob" she bawled "and tell the maid to attend to my luggage!" She was, of course, referring to my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was by now in tears at the thought of playing host to mumsy for the duration of the holiday. Once inside Ma let rip with her usual tales of woe from the English shires and the machinations of her local Tory coven of which she's been a member for the past 40 years. "I'm seriously thinking of joining UKIP" she raged. "That wooly Shameron isn't one of us. If he was a true blue he'd have re-introduced hanging and the poorhouse and the birch for all the drunken chavs and darkies blighting our lovely towns" whereupon she got plastered on gin, started a fight in the snug and fell into the duck pond, legs akimbo, with her knick-knacks on display for all to see! Mad I say!
Richie - Just as I was settling down for a quiet Easter weekend in my comfy chair with a large snifter or three I heard the unmistakable crunch of familiar tyres on my driveway gravel. I peered through the curtains and sure enough saw the redoubtable figure of Ma Roberts clambering out of her Range Rover. "Hurry along Wob" she bawled "and tell the maid to attend to my luggage!" She was, of course, referring to my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was by now in tears at the thought of playing host to mumsy for the duration of the holiday. Once inside Ma let rip with her usual tales of woe from the English shires and the machinations of her local Tory coven of which she's been a member for the past 40 years. "I'm seriously thinking of joining UKIP" she raged. "That wooly Shameron isn't one of us. If he was a true blue he'd have re-introduced hanging and the poorhouse and the birch for all the drunken chavs and darkies blighting our lovely towns" whereupon she got plastered on gin, started a fight in the snug and fell into the duck pond, legs akimbo, with her knick-knacks on display for all to see! Mad I say!
Tuesday
Bikinis, beach burkas and bird flu - welcome to London 2012/April 2nd 2012.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob's been laid up with a severe dose of botulism after scoffing a lukewarm pastie last week! I was asked at the till whether I wanted to pay full VAT on the piping hot delicacy or wait until it had cooled and save a few pennies. Needless to say, in these austere times I opted for the latter and stood brushing my comb-over until the snack had fallen below ambient temperature. Little did I realise that a vicious strain of bacterium would in the meantime spread and coagulate with the end result that after two bites I was rushed to A & E at death's door! Matters were further complicated when the ambulance driver fell woozy at the wheel due to the overpowering fumes from jerrycans of fuel stored in the rear following govt pronouncements! Mrs Bob tried to visit me in hospital but couldn't afford the car park fees and I was eventually released with orders from my doc to stay indoors until the unelected Tory-led coagulation had been driven from office! Mad I say!
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob's been laid up with a severe dose of botulism after scoffing a lukewarm pastie last week! I was asked at the till whether I wanted to pay full VAT on the piping hot delicacy or wait until it had cooled and save a few pennies. Needless to say, in these austere times I opted for the latter and stood brushing my comb-over until the snack had fallen below ambient temperature. Little did I realise that a vicious strain of bacterium would in the meantime spread and coagulate with the end result that after two bites I was rushed to A & E at death's door! Matters were further complicated when the ambulance driver fell woozy at the wheel due to the overpowering fumes from jerrycans of fuel stored in the rear following govt pronouncements! Mrs Bob tried to visit me in hospital but couldn't afford the car park fees and I was eventually released with orders from my doc to stay indoors until the unelected Tory-led coagulation had been driven from office! Mad I say!
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