Red sky at night, Tottenham's alight - as looters liberate everything from trainers to flat-screen TVs/August 8th 2011.

Richie - With world markets in turmoil, Britains cities ablaze, NI hacking phones on an industrial scale and a double dip recession to look forward to at Xmas it was with great relief that Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 received news that our illustrious PM has finally returned from his 10k a week summer hols to take control of the situation. Needless to say, here in the Worcs. village of Come-to-Piddle residents have set in motion an action plan to protect life and property from the feral hoards of raging looters. The local snug, identified as a natural refuge, has been boarded up and well stocked should civilisation and the rule of law collapse. Meanwhile, at Castle Roberts, the nuclear bunker in our garden, last used during the Thatcher era, has been swept and made ready. The only slight difficulty, Rich, is the large volume of luxury cars clogging up our quaint roads but I have it on good authority these are just bankers making a dash for the ports before rough justice catches up with them. Mad I say!