Coming up after the latest Salford news Corporation Street/April 13th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to have a hissy fit about the Marxist Pol Pottist Trotskyite Arfur Scargill-worshipping Auntie Beeb's move to miserable drizzly Salford! Old Wob worked oop north when he was a nipper and what a grim place he remembers it to be! Full of strange northern folk who didn't at all speak Her Madge's lingo like wot we do Rich - all Commies and Trades Unionists who thought hard working ordinary folk should earn a decent wage and pension for their labour and enjoy a fully funded health care system that treats all and not just the wealthy few! Pah! Dangerous ideas as I'm sure you'll agree Rich! Why the delectable Susanna Reid wants to grace the cobbles with her abundant presence is beyond me! She ought to be shimmying dahn the old King's Road in her Laboutins, dopey good-looking bird like 'er, eh Rich ? In depth reports about phone-hacking, Syria, poverty and cuts - da Beeb ought to do some proper journalism and write about wheelie bins like Bwitain's Bestest Columnist!
Friday
Tuesday
On your Marx, it's the People's Protest Games/April 9th 2012.
Richie - Dear old mumsy (a blue rinse Tory Little Englander of the highest order) has graced us with her presence over Easter and this morning at brekkie she commandeered my copy of the DM eager to aquaint herself with Lord Richie's esteemed column. "Haw Haw Haw" she guffawed regarding your quip about the protester who scaled the shard. "Quite right too! Would've served the silly winker right if he'd fallen orf!" There followed an even louder "Ra! Ra! Ra!" as she poured over your pronouncements regarding boat race pooper Tenton Oldfield. "Put him against a wall I say and give it with both barrels!" she railed before ordering my dear Thai wife - or "the maid" as mumsy not very affectionally calls her - to pour more tea. It was only when she started reading your piece about polar bears that she looked somewhat dejected. "Pah! Can't silly Richie check his facts ? Everybody knows that polar bears don't eat penguins. They eat squirrels and live in Siberia! Hurry up with the bally toast, ffs maid! Really, you really can't get the staff these days can you!" Mad I say!
Richie - Dear old mumsy (a blue rinse Tory Little Englander of the highest order) has graced us with her presence over Easter and this morning at brekkie she commandeered my copy of the DM eager to aquaint herself with Lord Richie's esteemed column. "Haw Haw Haw" she guffawed regarding your quip about the protester who scaled the shard. "Quite right too! Would've served the silly winker right if he'd fallen orf!" There followed an even louder "Ra! Ra! Ra!" as she poured over your pronouncements regarding boat race pooper Tenton Oldfield. "Put him against a wall I say and give it with both barrels!" she railed before ordering my dear Thai wife - or "the maid" as mumsy not very affectionally calls her - to pour more tea. It was only when she started reading your piece about polar bears that she looked somewhat dejected. "Pah! Can't silly Richie check his facts ? Everybody knows that polar bears don't eat penguins. They eat squirrels and live in Siberia! Hurry up with the bally toast, ffs maid! Really, you really can't get the staff these days can you!" Mad I say!
Friday
If you simply want to make someone's life a misery, press 3/April 6th 2012.
Richie - Just as I was settling down for a quiet Easter weekend in my comfy chair with a large snifter or three I heard the unmistakable crunch of familiar tyres on my driveway gravel. I peered through the curtains and sure enough saw the redoubtable figure of Ma Roberts clambering out of her Range Rover. "Hurry along Wob" she bawled "and tell the maid to attend to my luggage!" She was, of course, referring to my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was by now in tears at the thought of playing host to mumsy for the duration of the holiday. Once inside Ma let rip with her usual tales of woe from the English shires and the machinations of her local Tory coven of which she's been a member for the past 40 years. "I'm seriously thinking of joining UKIP" she raged. "That wooly Shameron isn't one of us. If he was a true blue he'd have re-introduced hanging and the poorhouse and the birch for all the drunken chavs and darkies blighting our lovely towns" whereupon she got plastered on gin, started a fight in the snug and fell into the duck pond, legs akimbo, with her knick-knacks on display for all to see! Mad I say!
Richie - Just as I was settling down for a quiet Easter weekend in my comfy chair with a large snifter or three I heard the unmistakable crunch of familiar tyres on my driveway gravel. I peered through the curtains and sure enough saw the redoubtable figure of Ma Roberts clambering out of her Range Rover. "Hurry along Wob" she bawled "and tell the maid to attend to my luggage!" She was, of course, referring to my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was by now in tears at the thought of playing host to mumsy for the duration of the holiday. Once inside Ma let rip with her usual tales of woe from the English shires and the machinations of her local Tory coven of which she's been a member for the past 40 years. "I'm seriously thinking of joining UKIP" she raged. "That wooly Shameron isn't one of us. If he was a true blue he'd have re-introduced hanging and the poorhouse and the birch for all the drunken chavs and darkies blighting our lovely towns" whereupon she got plastered on gin, started a fight in the snug and fell into the duck pond, legs akimbo, with her knick-knacks on display for all to see! Mad I say!
Tuesday
Bikinis, beach burkas and bird flu - welcome to London 2012/April 2nd 2012.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob's been laid up with a severe dose of botulism after scoffing a lukewarm pastie last week! I was asked at the till whether I wanted to pay full VAT on the piping hot delicacy or wait until it had cooled and save a few pennies. Needless to say, in these austere times I opted for the latter and stood brushing my comb-over until the snack had fallen below ambient temperature. Little did I realise that a vicious strain of bacterium would in the meantime spread and coagulate with the end result that after two bites I was rushed to A & E at death's door! Matters were further complicated when the ambulance driver fell woozy at the wheel due to the overpowering fumes from jerrycans of fuel stored in the rear following govt pronouncements! Mrs Bob tried to visit me in hospital but couldn't afford the car park fees and I was eventually released with orders from my doc to stay indoors until the unelected Tory-led coagulation had been driven from office! Mad I say!
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Old Wob's been laid up with a severe dose of botulism after scoffing a lukewarm pastie last week! I was asked at the till whether I wanted to pay full VAT on the piping hot delicacy or wait until it had cooled and save a few pennies. Needless to say, in these austere times I opted for the latter and stood brushing my comb-over until the snack had fallen below ambient temperature. Little did I realise that a vicious strain of bacterium would in the meantime spread and coagulate with the end result that after two bites I was rushed to A & E at death's door! Matters were further complicated when the ambulance driver fell woozy at the wheel due to the overpowering fumes from jerrycans of fuel stored in the rear following govt pronouncements! Mrs Bob tried to visit me in hospital but couldn't afford the car park fees and I was eventually released with orders from my doc to stay indoors until the unelected Tory-led coagulation had been driven from office! Mad I say!
HOW MUCH to watch Eric Pickles eat his weight in sausages?/March 26th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to launch a withering attack on unelected Shameron's tete-our-tetes in No 10 with assorted spivs, whingers and naer'do wells from the Citeh! Surely, Lord Rich, it can't be long now before the vile Coagulation government crumbles beneath the weight of its own sleaze and ineptitude! Like Old Wob, I bet you're sick of the daily parroting of the Tory party line by the likes of Maudlin Maude, Iain Dunkin Donut and Count Gideon the Impaler - propaganda cooked up by the billionaires attending Wisteria's 250k soirees. Privatising the NHS, dismantling the welfare state, a property building free-for-all, driving down wages to slave labour levels - and if anyone complains blame it all on Labour! Thank the lord you've now seen the light and are standing shoulder to shoulder with the honest working men and women who are the backbone of this great country! A triumph Lord Richie! You have cemented your place as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist! (Have you considered standing as a Labour MP in 2015 ?)(Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to launch a withering attack on unelected Shameron's tete-our-tetes in No 10 with assorted spivs, whingers and naer'do wells from the Citeh! Surely, Lord Rich, it can't be long now before the vile Coagulation government crumbles beneath the weight of its own sleaze and ineptitude! Like Old Wob, I bet you're sick of the daily parroting of the Tory party line by the likes of Maudlin Maude, Iain Dunkin Donut and Count Gideon the Impaler - propaganda cooked up by the billionaires attending Wisteria's 250k soirees. Privatising the NHS, dismantling the welfare state, a property building free-for-all, driving down wages to slave labour levels - and if anyone complains blame it all on Labour! Thank the lord you've now seen the light and are standing shoulder to shoulder with the honest working men and women who are the backbone of this great country! A triumph Lord Richie! You have cemented your place as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist! (Have you considered standing as a Labour MP in 2015 ?)(Hic!)
Thursday
PortaShrine - ideal for all your instant grief needs!/March 23rd 2012.
Richie - How we guffawed and tittered at the thought of all the yoghurt-knitting Lefties complaining about Tuesday's article in which you rightly moan about the goodwill shown by ordinary folk to Patrice Muamba. And it makes an Englishman proud, Lord Richie, to see you today mounting a sterling defence of your esteemed column! Why, it put me in mind of Shakespeare 'imself when, in one of the plays what he wrote, he scribbled the immortal line "The lady doth protest too much". But I must say the coup de grace is your inspired idea for a Portashrine! Genius sir! Genius I say! And why not a Porta-Right-Wing-Windbag to accompany the Portashrine to those not-so-sacred sites for murdered prozzies! The mechanical Windbag (batteries included) would be guaranteed to cause a grade 1 stink with its wilted prose, tatty research and badly written claptrap! "Up yours" it would wheeze. "The tarts were never gonna find a cure for cancer!" Why, you and Kelvin McKenzie could flog millions I say (Hic!)
Richie - How we guffawed and tittered at the thought of all the yoghurt-knitting Lefties complaining about Tuesday's article in which you rightly moan about the goodwill shown by ordinary folk to Patrice Muamba. And it makes an Englishman proud, Lord Richie, to see you today mounting a sterling defence of your esteemed column! Why, it put me in mind of Shakespeare 'imself when, in one of the plays what he wrote, he scribbled the immortal line "The lady doth protest too much". But I must say the coup de grace is your inspired idea for a Portashrine! Genius sir! Genius I say! And why not a Porta-Right-Wing-Windbag to accompany the Portashrine to those not-so-sacred sites for murdered prozzies! The mechanical Windbag (batteries included) would be guaranteed to cause a grade 1 stink with its wilted prose, tatty research and badly written claptrap! "Up yours" it would wheeze. "The tarts were never gonna find a cure for cancer!" Why, you and Kelvin McKenzie could flog millions I say (Hic!)
Tuesday
Pray 4 Muamba, but less of the fake tears/March 19th 2012
Richie - Only last night, while watching Paxo's uni quiz show, Mrs Bob No 3 and I heard the most frightful wailing from down the road. Well,I rolled up my copy of the DM, put on my protective goggles and went out to investigate. Would you Adam and Eve it, poor Marcia Braithwaite, local burlesque queen of these parts, was shreiking for all she was worth with her poor 92 year old mum lying prostate on the floor after a coronary attack! Needless to say, Old Wob swung into action. After calming Marcia and telling her to ring for an ambulance I proceeded, after taking out mum Braithwaite's false nashers, to give resusitation and defibrilisation as well as providing comfort and succour to the old bird by singing a medley of Motown favourites before the paramedics arrived. Glad to say Marcia's mum is doing fine but thought, Lord Richie, you'd give her a shout-out in your esteemed column, in the same manner that you asked for tea and sympathy when your dear old mumsy was ill. Pray4Braithwaite I say!
Richie - Only last night, while watching Paxo's uni quiz show, Mrs Bob No 3 and I heard the most frightful wailing from down the road. Well,I rolled up my copy of the DM, put on my protective goggles and went out to investigate. Would you Adam and Eve it, poor Marcia Braithwaite, local burlesque queen of these parts, was shreiking for all she was worth with her poor 92 year old mum lying prostate on the floor after a coronary attack! Needless to say, Old Wob swung into action. After calming Marcia and telling her to ring for an ambulance I proceeded, after taking out mum Braithwaite's false nashers, to give resusitation and defibrilisation as well as providing comfort and succour to the old bird by singing a medley of Motown favourites before the paramedics arrived. Glad to say Marcia's mum is doing fine but thought, Lord Richie, you'd give her a shout-out in your esteemed column, in the same manner that you asked for tea and sympathy when your dear old mumsy was ill. Pray4Braithwaite I say!
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