Coalition Airways - this one was never going to fly/March 15th 2012.
Richie - Would you Adam and Eve it! Mrs Bob No 3 and myself experienced pre-flight turbulence at Heathrow airport en route to gay Paree for a recent weekend of sightseeing and ohh la la. Old Wob was summarily pulled over by over zealous security and forced to undergo a humiliating search after the scanner went beserk and regurgitated my baggage. All of my hand luggage was explored in full view of other passengers and I must say the security wallahs took great pleasure in holiding up my spandex as well as the gels, sprays and boxes of setting perm that holds my comb-over in place! As you can imagine, Rich, Old Wob was fuming especially when no reason could be found for the disruption. "I'll be writing to Lord Littlejohn. Britain's bestest columnist, about this gross intrusion of my yuman rights" I boomed to which the security staff tittered and said: "No one listens to that right-wing windbag anyway" before emptying out my luggage once again! It's mad in ShamCam n Cleggy's loony Britain I say!
Friday
Tuesday
Have you gone stark staring skyclad, Fletch?/March 13th 2012.
Richie - Thank God & St George that you're back! We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle have been holding candlelit vigils near the duck pond praying for your safe return! Needless to say your long absence from the unbiased pages of the DM gave rise to many an intrepid rumour. Old Arthur Groat of this parish was convinced you were on a secret mission to Syria, dodging snipers and death squads to uncover the truth of the bloody uprising. Marcia Braithwaite said Lord Richie was more likely to be embedded in Afghanistan, asking how in the name of sweet Jesus sixteen Afghani women and children could sleep-walk in front of that poor, stressed-out US Seal's assault rifle. Old Wob, though, thought Britain's bestest columnist was taking our unelected govt to task for making a right old Eton mess of our beloved National Health Service. However, it was a dopey bird standing in the village snug who guessed correctly that you were busy recycling 70s fodder which only goes to prove that even genius such as yourself has the occasional off day...or 2...or 7...or...10...or...Zzzzzzzz...(Hic!)
Richie - Thank God & St George that you're back! We here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle have been holding candlelit vigils near the duck pond praying for your safe return! Needless to say your long absence from the unbiased pages of the DM gave rise to many an intrepid rumour. Old Arthur Groat of this parish was convinced you were on a secret mission to Syria, dodging snipers and death squads to uncover the truth of the bloody uprising. Marcia Braithwaite said Lord Richie was more likely to be embedded in Afghanistan, asking how in the name of sweet Jesus sixteen Afghani women and children could sleep-walk in front of that poor, stressed-out US Seal's assault rifle. Old Wob, though, thought Britain's bestest columnist was taking our unelected govt to task for making a right old Eton mess of our beloved National Health Service. However, it was a dopey bird standing in the village snug who guessed correctly that you were busy recycling 70s fodder which only goes to prove that even genius such as yourself has the occasional off day...or 2...or 7...or...10...or...Zzzzzzzz...(Hic!)
Thursday
The rich aren't all merchant bankers/February 24th 2012.
Richie - Yawn! Hic! Burp! Fart! How right you are to pen yet another article defending the indefensible bankers and gin-sozzled spivs who have brought this great country to its knees! I was a tiny bit worried you were going to write a special tribute to Marie Colvin, the courageous and passionate war correspondent who was murdered in Syria this week. Ms Colvin upheld the highest journalistic ideals and in 1999 in East Timor she was credited with saving the lives of 1,500 women and children from a compound besieged by Indonesian-backed forces. Of course she never managed to scale the journalistic heights that you have, Lord Richie, with your crusading in-depth analysis of wheelie bins and the cut of elf n safety high viz jackets. And who can forget your withering, well-balanced articles about the Ipswich prozzies and vile nasty Japs! Well done Rich I say! Let the other do-gooder journos write solemn praise in Ms Colvin's memory. Here in Richie-Land it's business as usual. Support the rich and to hell with everyone else! Hic! Burp! Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Richie - Yawn! Hic! Burp! Fart! How right you are to pen yet another article defending the indefensible bankers and gin-sozzled spivs who have brought this great country to its knees! I was a tiny bit worried you were going to write a special tribute to Marie Colvin, the courageous and passionate war correspondent who was murdered in Syria this week. Ms Colvin upheld the highest journalistic ideals and in 1999 in East Timor she was credited with saving the lives of 1,500 women and children from a compound besieged by Indonesian-backed forces. Of course she never managed to scale the journalistic heights that you have, Lord Richie, with your crusading in-depth analysis of wheelie bins and the cut of elf n safety high viz jackets. And who can forget your withering, well-balanced articles about the Ipswich prozzies and vile nasty Japs! Well done Rich I say! Let the other do-gooder journos write solemn praise in Ms Colvin's memory. Here in Richie-Land it's business as usual. Support the rich and to hell with everyone else! Hic! Burp! Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Tuesday
Fight for the right to lie in bed all day/February 21st 2012.
Richie - How right you are to throw your considerable weight behind the unelected Coagulation's slave-labour scheme! Why should our beloved Tesco pay an honest wage for an honest day's graft when the loony Tories will subsidise their profit margins with taxpayers' cash ? This great country of ours didn't get where it is today through justice, fairness and equality for working people! What with record VAT, fuel, & food prices alongside mass unemployment, wage reductions and the slashing of pensions Osbourne's vision of a Victorian economy will be upon us quicker than you can say Welcome to the Poorhouse! It'll be a Little Englander's paradise! Why Marcia Braithwaite's feckless son was recently press ganged into Iain Dunkin Donut's latest hair-brained forced labour scheme and sent to work for a major international news company. He learned many valuable new skills, including how to down seven pints of ale during lunch, how to bribe police officers, and how to hack into the mobile phones of murder victims. He's also become an expert on the colour of Imogen Thomas' knickers! - just the kind of skills our sluggish economy needs to compete with those Asian Tigers I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How right you are to throw your considerable weight behind the unelected Coagulation's slave-labour scheme! Why should our beloved Tesco pay an honest wage for an honest day's graft when the loony Tories will subsidise their profit margins with taxpayers' cash ? This great country of ours didn't get where it is today through justice, fairness and equality for working people! What with record VAT, fuel, & food prices alongside mass unemployment, wage reductions and the slashing of pensions Osbourne's vision of a Victorian economy will be upon us quicker than you can say Welcome to the Poorhouse! It'll be a Little Englander's paradise! Why Marcia Braithwaite's feckless son was recently press ganged into Iain Dunkin Donut's latest hair-brained forced labour scheme and sent to work for a major international news company. He learned many valuable new skills, including how to down seven pints of ale during lunch, how to bribe police officers, and how to hack into the mobile phones of murder victims. He's also become an expert on the colour of Imogen Thomas' knickers! - just the kind of skills our sluggish economy needs to compete with those Asian Tigers I say! (Hic!)
Friday
Mr Pastry and the myth of public spending cuts/February 17th 2012.
Richie - How wonderful to see Her Worshipfulness, Our Beloved Queenie, giving it with both barrels on behalf of the C of E! This magnificent institution is, as her Ma'mness says, the spiritual marrowbone upon which we all nibble - a place of worship and reflection in this God-forsaken age where simple British souls can reflect and partake of ecumenical nourishment. So, feeling kinda humble, Old Wob brushed his comb-over and called by our village's house of worship for Sunday prayers. Sure enough, there was our happy clappy Rev Pritchard conducting a service of remembrance for the poor heroic Afghani children recently slaughtered by Nato bombs and leading prayers for the downtrodden Sun journalists who are now scarpering pronto to the European Court of Yuman Rights to fight their Satanic overlord, Digger Murdoch. I must say, Rich, hard-hearted Wob was moved to tears, so much so that I've decided to set up a charity called Help for Sun & Afghani Kiddie Heroes. All donations to Wob Boberts, Castle Roberts, Cum-to-Piddle, Worcs I say! (Hic!)
Richie - How wonderful to see Her Worshipfulness, Our Beloved Queenie, giving it with both barrels on behalf of the C of E! This magnificent institution is, as her Ma'mness says, the spiritual marrowbone upon which we all nibble - a place of worship and reflection in this God-forsaken age where simple British souls can reflect and partake of ecumenical nourishment. So, feeling kinda humble, Old Wob brushed his comb-over and called by our village's house of worship for Sunday prayers. Sure enough, there was our happy clappy Rev Pritchard conducting a service of remembrance for the poor heroic Afghani children recently slaughtered by Nato bombs and leading prayers for the downtrodden Sun journalists who are now scarpering pronto to the European Court of Yuman Rights to fight their Satanic overlord, Digger Murdoch. I must say, Rich, hard-hearted Wob was moved to tears, so much so that I've decided to set up a charity called Help for Sun & Afghani Kiddie Heroes. All donations to Wob Boberts, Castle Roberts, Cum-to-Piddle, Worcs I say! (Hic!)
Wednesday
Scotland Yard Stasi and this sinister assault on a free Press/January 14th 2012.
Richie - Old Wob's just back from a ten day birthday jolly in gay Paree! And what a spiffing time we had! The Roberts comb-over and corsage was on full display along the Champs Elysee and in the nosheries around Le Tower Eiffel! There were snifters a plenty to enjoy in the brassieries of Montmartre and Mrs Bob treated me to a saucy knees up and dinner at the Moulin Rouge!I must say that our French cousins carry themselves with enviable grace and style going about their business with effortless panache and jeun est se quais. One of the highlights of the trip was a visit to the palace of Versailles to witness at first hand the splendour of Louis XIV and his lavish mob. Old Wob couldn't resist a peek in Marie Antoinette's bed and when there was a lull in the endless stream of Chinese tourists I shuffled in between the opulent covers for a quick snooze. Would you believe it, Rich, I woke up long after lights out and with most of the Paris gendarme dragging the sewers searching for me high and low! The trip ended with Mr Bob in a grade 1 hissy fit on the eurostar because I was discovered in another woman's bed! Ooh la la I say! (Hic!)
Richie - Old Wob's just back from a ten day birthday jolly in gay Paree! And what a spiffing time we had! The Roberts comb-over and corsage was on full display along the Champs Elysee and in the nosheries around Le Tower Eiffel! There were snifters a plenty to enjoy in the brassieries of Montmartre and Mrs Bob treated me to a saucy knees up and dinner at the Moulin Rouge!I must say that our French cousins carry themselves with enviable grace and style going about their business with effortless panache and jeun est se quais. One of the highlights of the trip was a visit to the palace of Versailles to witness at first hand the splendour of Louis XIV and his lavish mob. Old Wob couldn't resist a peek in Marie Antoinette's bed and when there was a lull in the endless stream of Chinese tourists I shuffled in between the opulent covers for a quick snooze. Would you believe it, Rich, I woke up long after lights out and with most of the Paris gendarme dragging the sewers searching for me high and low! The trip ended with Mr Bob in a grade 1 hissy fit on the eurostar because I was discovered in another woman's bed! Ooh la la I say! (Hic!)
Monday
Rollover time on the benefit lottery/February 6th 2012.
Richie - How right you are to highlight this lotto-winning welfare sponger of the highest order! What right has this champers-swilling layabout to claim benefits after working and paying his NI contributions for the past forty years! It's an outrage! What's more, I bet he's also claiming the winter fuel allowance when he's sunning his ample corsage in Australia just like all those other feckless ex-pats out there on the Costa del Bingo! This nae'r do well should take a leaf out of Her Graciousness Our Beloved Queen's book I say and dedicate his life and good fortune to serving those less fortunate than ones-self. Why, even the head honchos at RBS and Railtrack have seen the light and are giving up their bonus payments out of the goodness of their hearts! There are plenty of charitable causes for Mr O'Shea to choose from. My personal favourite is the Gay and Lesbian Asylum Seekers Yoga And Yoghurt-Knitting Foundation which promotes positive spiritual vibes across the UK for folk of a nervous disposition. This is the kind of honest, upstanding organisation that has helped make Britain great I say! (Hic!) (Burp!) (Fart!)
Richie - How right you are to highlight this lotto-winning welfare sponger of the highest order! What right has this champers-swilling layabout to claim benefits after working and paying his NI contributions for the past forty years! It's an outrage! What's more, I bet he's also claiming the winter fuel allowance when he's sunning his ample corsage in Australia just like all those other feckless ex-pats out there on the Costa del Bingo! This nae'r do well should take a leaf out of Her Graciousness Our Beloved Queen's book I say and dedicate his life and good fortune to serving those less fortunate than ones-self. Why, even the head honchos at RBS and Railtrack have seen the light and are giving up their bonus payments out of the goodness of their hearts! There are plenty of charitable causes for Mr O'Shea to choose from. My personal favourite is the Gay and Lesbian Asylum Seekers Yoga And Yoghurt-Knitting Foundation which promotes positive spiritual vibes across the UK for folk of a nervous disposition. This is the kind of honest, upstanding organisation that has helped make Britain great I say! (Hic!) (Burp!) (Fart!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)