The unsung 'heroines' who champion feminism/December 30th 2011.
Richie - We're counting down to New Year's Eve here in the village snug! The ivories are tinkling, the fire is blazing and snifters are lining the bar aplenty! Old Arthur Groat, virtuoso spoon-playing octogenarian of these parts, has been providing the entertainment along with local super-size burlesque artiste Marcia Braithwaite who, in a rather tawdry imitation of Imogen Thomas, wrapped herself in gaffa tape and had to undergo emergency surgery at A & E! Last night, though, the annual Right Wing Windbag of the Year 2011 was crowned! Unfortunately, Rich, you came a poor seventh, behind such raving fruitcakes as Clarkson, Palin, Mckenzie, loopy Mel Philips and lovable nutter Nige Farage! However, you'll be pleased to hear that Tea Party pin up Glenn Beck romped home thanks to his completely ga-ga comments comparing the Norwegian Labour Party Youth Camp on Utoya to a Nazi rally! Richie - forget the tired old elf-n-safety-wheelie-bins routine and up your game in 2012 I say!
Thursday
Tuesday
The Makes You Proud To Be British Quiz/December 27th 2011.
Richie - Festive greetings from the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle! And what a swell time we've had! Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, rustled up a tasty Asian-inspired Xmas Day feast of turkey, brussels sprouts and pan-fried bamboo worms followed by traditional plum pudding with an added sprinkling of honey-fried grasshopper husks! I was also presented with many wonderful gifts, including a pair of Karl Marx slippers from my precocious grandson Bob Roberts junior, a "Ditch Milliband Now!" t-shirt from my good pal Trades unionist Dave Salt, and a box set of your esteemed Live & Unleashed TV show from Mrs Bob No 2 who, sadly, was never blessed with either taste or refinement! However, Rich, my Xmas was spoiled by a report on the Trotskyite BBC that our beloved royals open their pressies on Christmas Eve, following "German tradition." Shurely shome mishtake, Rich, and I hope you will use all your considerable research skills to refute the Beeb's treasonable accusation I say! (Hic!)
Richie - Festive greetings from the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle! And what a swell time we've had! Mrs Bob No 3, my dear Thai wife, rustled up a tasty Asian-inspired Xmas Day feast of turkey, brussels sprouts and pan-fried bamboo worms followed by traditional plum pudding with an added sprinkling of honey-fried grasshopper husks! I was also presented with many wonderful gifts, including a pair of Karl Marx slippers from my precocious grandson Bob Roberts junior, a "Ditch Milliband Now!" t-shirt from my good pal Trades unionist Dave Salt, and a box set of your esteemed Live & Unleashed TV show from Mrs Bob No 2 who, sadly, was never blessed with either taste or refinement! However, Rich, my Xmas was spoiled by a report on the Trotskyite BBC that our beloved royals open their pressies on Christmas Eve, following "German tradition." Shurely shome mishtake, Rich, and I hope you will use all your considerable research skills to refute the Beeb's treasonable accusation I say! (Hic!)
Twinkle, twinkle, little...WHAT?/December 20th 2011.
Richie - We attended my precocious grandson Bob Roberts jnr's school nativity last week. Not content with bagging the lead role as the wisest of the three wise men, the feisty 11 year old (who has ambitions to be Labour PM by the age of 40) had also been allowed by his teachers to write, produce, and direct the production. As you can imagine, Rich, in Bob jnr's version the downtrodden townsfolk of Nazareth rose up against the vile Tory-led coagulation, replacing it with a democratic socialist government of the people. The final number was a musical extravaganza demanding decent pensions for both private and public sector workers after which the show ended with Young Bob bagging Mary, the hottest girl on the block, and riding off into the desert sunset. Of course, flushed with his success, he's now re-considering his career options, looking to the stage rather than politics. But after the Krankies' sordid revelations this week I'm trying desperately to talk him out of it I say!
Richie - We attended my precocious grandson Bob Roberts jnr's school nativity last week. Not content with bagging the lead role as the wisest of the three wise men, the feisty 11 year old (who has ambitions to be Labour PM by the age of 40) had also been allowed by his teachers to write, produce, and direct the production. As you can imagine, Rich, in Bob jnr's version the downtrodden townsfolk of Nazareth rose up against the vile Tory-led coagulation, replacing it with a democratic socialist government of the people. The final number was a musical extravaganza demanding decent pensions for both private and public sector workers after which the show ended with Young Bob bagging Mary, the hottest girl on the block, and riding off into the desert sunset. Of course, flushed with his success, he's now re-considering his career options, looking to the stage rather than politics. But after the Krankies' sordid revelations this week I'm trying desperately to talk him out of it I say!
Santa Claus ain't coming to town.../December 6th 2011.
Richie - Our village has been preparing for a make-do and mend festive season. The pub has been decorated with trimmings cut from old washing powder boxes and our happy clappy vicar Rev Pritchard replaced the church nativity decoration with a photo of Arch Druid Williams in order to cut costs, scaring local children half to death. Of course there is much extra work this year with food parcels to distribute to public sector workers and local farmers on red-alert in case their animal stock is rustled by starving city dwellers. And with electricity prices going through the roof Old Wob can no longer afford his Xmas light show at Castle Roberts (featuring Che Guevara as baby Jesus) and will instead place a miserly tea candle in the front window. Worst of all though Rich will be the absence of Santa's grotto which is traditionally situated near the village duck pond. After last year's fiasco when Santa, a repentent banker, tried to top himself, we thought better of it! (Shoot em all I say!)
Richie - Our village has been preparing for a make-do and mend festive season. The pub has been decorated with trimmings cut from old washing powder boxes and our happy clappy vicar Rev Pritchard replaced the church nativity decoration with a photo of Arch Druid Williams in order to cut costs, scaring local children half to death. Of course there is much extra work this year with food parcels to distribute to public sector workers and local farmers on red-alert in case their animal stock is rustled by starving city dwellers. And with electricity prices going through the roof Old Wob can no longer afford his Xmas light show at Castle Roberts (featuring Che Guevara as baby Jesus) and will instead place a miserly tea candle in the front window. Worst of all though Rich will be the absence of Santa's grotto which is traditionally situated near the village duck pond. After last year's fiasco when Santa, a repentent banker, tried to top himself, we thought better of it! (Shoot em all I say!)
Friday
Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, health 'n' safety and Plod: How regulation and high taxes are crippling small businesses/December 2nd 2011.
Richie - It's with great sadness that I report the demise of a well-known local business of these parts. Marge Butterworth set up her mobile cup-cake service back in the boom years of Gordon Brown. Much of her custom came from council departments and public sector workers who snapped up Marge's wares for meetings, birthdays and official functions. Now, though, with public sector wages and pension benefits being ground to dust poor Marge's trade has shrivelled to a halt and this week saw her pink van make its final run before the business was wound up. Needless to say, Marge is a broken woman but clear-headed enough to realise that all businesses depend on a vibrant public sector for their custom. Indeed Marge was at the forefront of the union march on Wednesday demonstrating against the loony policies of this vile unelected govt of the Tory featherweights! What a shame the private sector moaners who demonise the public sector don't realise they're biting the hand that feeds them I say!
Richie - It's with great sadness that I report the demise of a well-known local business of these parts. Marge Butterworth set up her mobile cup-cake service back in the boom years of Gordon Brown. Much of her custom came from council departments and public sector workers who snapped up Marge's wares for meetings, birthdays and official functions. Now, though, with public sector wages and pension benefits being ground to dust poor Marge's trade has shrivelled to a halt and this week saw her pink van make its final run before the business was wound up. Needless to say, Marge is a broken woman but clear-headed enough to realise that all businesses depend on a vibrant public sector for their custom. Indeed Marge was at the forefront of the union march on Wednesday demonstrating against the loony policies of this vile unelected govt of the Tory featherweights! What a shame the private sector moaners who demonise the public sector don't realise they're biting the hand that feeds them I say!
Monday
Never mind the ballots: Here's the Sexy Tories/November 29th 2011.
Richie - This morning I was explaining the nation's pension difficulties to my precocious grandson, Bob jnr. Young Bob has dreams of becoming Labour PM before the age of 40 and, according to his tutors, even at 11 years old is already a dead cert for a place at Oxbridge. After an hour's deep thinking he handed me a scrap of paper on which he'd written: "PM Bob Roberts' Patriotic Retirement Plan". It read: "There are about 10 million people over 50 in the UK workforce. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following provisos: 1) They must retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed. 2) They must buy a new car. Ten million cars ordered - car industry fixed. 3) They must buy a house/pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed. 4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - education fixed. 5) They must buy £100 worth of alcohol/tobacco/petrol a week...govt gets back money in duty/tax." He then skipped off to put his radical pension proposals to the attractive young girl next door. Pure genius I say, eh Rich ?
Richie - This morning I was explaining the nation's pension difficulties to my precocious grandson, Bob jnr. Young Bob has dreams of becoming Labour PM before the age of 40 and, according to his tutors, even at 11 years old is already a dead cert for a place at Oxbridge. After an hour's deep thinking he handed me a scrap of paper on which he'd written: "PM Bob Roberts' Patriotic Retirement Plan". It read: "There are about 10 million people over 50 in the UK workforce. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following provisos: 1) They must retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed. 2) They must buy a new car. Ten million cars ordered - car industry fixed. 3) They must buy a house/pay off their mortgage - housing crisis fixed. 4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - education fixed. 5) They must buy £100 worth of alcohol/tobacco/petrol a week...govt gets back money in duty/tax." He then skipped off to put his radical pension proposals to the attractive young girl next door. Pure genius I say, eh Rich ?
Tuesday
This elf 'n' safety madness is par for the course.../November 22nd 2011.
Richie - Here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle locals are preparing for next week's Day of Action against Shameron's vile Coagulation of the Unelected. Old Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player and farmer of these parts, has generously loaned one of his barns for activists to print off flyers and hammer together their "Shameron The Pension Snatcher" banners! Unfortunately though Rich, dark undemocratic forces have been at work. The barn has been targeted by anti-union thugs (probably tattooed, shaven-headed BNP-EDL louts) who've sprayed "Lefty Scum" and "Sack Striking Teechers" graffiti on Arthur's barn doors. But Old Wob came to the rescue. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I deployed three of my crack Polish security guards to take on the yellow-bellied right-wing critters! They soon legged it over the fields, one even falling into a cow pat such was his eagerness to escape! But it's a sad day when we have to rely on hard-working Poles to uphold our democratic rights, eh Rich? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?
Richie - Here in the Worcestershire village of Cum-to-Piddle locals are preparing for next week's Day of Action against Shameron's vile Coagulation of the Unelected. Old Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player and farmer of these parts, has generously loaned one of his barns for activists to print off flyers and hammer together their "Shameron The Pension Snatcher" banners! Unfortunately though Rich, dark undemocratic forces have been at work. The barn has been targeted by anti-union thugs (probably tattooed, shaven-headed BNP-EDL louts) who've sprayed "Lefty Scum" and "Sack Striking Teechers" graffiti on Arthur's barn doors. But Old Wob came to the rescue. As head honcho of Bob Roberts Security4U I deployed three of my crack Polish security guards to take on the yellow-bellied right-wing critters! They soon legged it over the fields, one even falling into a cow pat such was his eagerness to escape! But it's a sad day when we have to rely on hard-working Poles to uphold our democratic rights, eh Rich? Rich ? Are you there Richie ?
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