The crime that daren't speak its name? It wasn't David Laws' secret gay lover that brought him down. It was stealing/June 1st 2010.
Richie - As an upstanding hetero member of the red-blooded Brit brigade I too, like your good self, was aghast and shocked at the David Laws scandal and the moral deprivation permeating the heart of our new ConDem govt of the unelected. However, imagine my horror when my Thai wife, Mrs Bob No 3, having branched out into the world of theatrical production, announced that a group of Ladyboy dancers from Bangkok would be staying at Castle Roberts! These young, lithe, long-legged performers who, even when off-stage, remained perfumed and scantily-dressed with lashings of mascara, were our guests for three days. How I managed to contain my dignity as these bikini-clad sirens took over our living space, teasing me with their boa feathers, I'll never know! But when I retired to my bedroom one afternoon for a surreptitious nap only to discover one of their number lying next to me I ran off to the snug, hot under the proverbial collar, for a snifter or three! Lord help blokes like us, eh Rich!
Monday
Friday
Why don't YOU do the right thing, Dave!/May 28th 2010
Richie - Wednesday morning I fire up the XJ6 and head towards the shires where my brother, Howard Roberts, a prominent Tory of those parts, is celebrating his birthday. Of course, dear Howard isn't expecting me - a chipper dyed-in-wool Labour chappie - to make an appearance, especially now Dippy Dave has barricaded himself in No 10. But the chance to enjoy mirth and merriment at Howard's expense is something I just can't resist. It's a garden party and the gathering is filled with Turnip-types. And how miserable they all look! - this ZanuConDem govt really is bad for their health! Unfortunately I remind them of the VAT and NI hike, the backtracking on CGT and the impending council tax increases being dreamt up by Squire Pickles and they start getting upset! And when I sing The Red Flag and Bring Back My Gordon To Me Howard displays his anti-democratic tendencies and ejects me from the festivities! Is that any way to treat a brother -I thought we were all in his together, eh Rich ? (Hic!)
Richie - Wednesday morning I fire up the XJ6 and head towards the shires where my brother, Howard Roberts, a prominent Tory of those parts, is celebrating his birthday. Of course, dear Howard isn't expecting me - a chipper dyed-in-wool Labour chappie - to make an appearance, especially now Dippy Dave has barricaded himself in No 10. But the chance to enjoy mirth and merriment at Howard's expense is something I just can't resist. It's a garden party and the gathering is filled with Turnip-types. And how miserable they all look! - this ZanuConDem govt really is bad for their health! Unfortunately I remind them of the VAT and NI hike, the backtracking on CGT and the impending council tax increases being dreamt up by Squire Pickles and they start getting upset! And when I sing The Red Flag and Bring Back My Gordon To Me Howard displays his anti-democratic tendencies and ejects me from the festivities! Is that any way to treat a brother -I thought we were all in his together, eh Rich ? (Hic!)
Tuesday
What next on the NHS? Bikini waxes for bisexuals?/May 25th 2010.
Richie - The landlord of our village local, Big Frank - a former BNP hardnut now a climate change activist and animal rights campaigner - finally underwent his gender realignment operation last week. With the full support of his wife and kids Frank has been transformed into Frances and to celebrate we laid on a welcome home party in the snug. I must admit, although Frank had set his heart on attaining the wispy, ethereal look of Keira Knightly, he looked to me more like Fatima Whitbread as he walked through the door. Still, Frances received much warmth from regulars, including amongst their number a few old associates from the local BNP coven who still retain an affection for their former comrade. Indeed, in the spirit of coalition currently sweeping the country, the local BNP bovver boys have offered to provide extra muscle for Frances and her merry band of eco-warriors next time they mount a covert operation to save bunny wabbits and lab mice marked for experimentation! Mad innit!
Richie - The landlord of our village local, Big Frank - a former BNP hardnut now a climate change activist and animal rights campaigner - finally underwent his gender realignment operation last week. With the full support of his wife and kids Frank has been transformed into Frances and to celebrate we laid on a welcome home party in the snug. I must admit, although Frank had set his heart on attaining the wispy, ethereal look of Keira Knightly, he looked to me more like Fatima Whitbread as he walked through the door. Still, Frances received much warmth from regulars, including amongst their number a few old associates from the local BNP coven who still retain an affection for their former comrade. Indeed, in the spirit of coalition currently sweeping the country, the local BNP bovver boys have offered to provide extra muscle for Frances and her merry band of eco-warriors next time they mount a covert operation to save bunny wabbits and lab mice marked for experimentation! Mad innit!
This is the Home Service: 'Four Germans have escaped extradition'/May 21st 2010.
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by my Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was busy studying for her British Citizenship Test. "Wob - me no understand" she said and pointed to your esteemed column. I've been encouraging Mrs Bob to read the DM so as to boost her knowledge of British culture but I'm sad to say today's convoluted effort, Rich, left her completely baffled. I tried to explain that you had imagined the Nazi high command goosestepping down the Strand in SS uniform singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" and being given jobs at the Croydon branch of High and Mighty. "Littlewon not fanny man" said Mrs Bob to which I nodded in agreement and settled back into my chair. She was soon pestering me again though. "Wob - why Littlewon always write about gays and Nazis ?" I sighed, took her hand and said: "There are some aspects of British culture, my sweet, that no amount of study or reading will help you understand!" Mad in ShamCam's Clegged-up UK innit!
Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by my Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 who was busy studying for her British Citizenship Test. "Wob - me no understand" she said and pointed to your esteemed column. I've been encouraging Mrs Bob to read the DM so as to boost her knowledge of British culture but I'm sad to say today's convoluted effort, Rich, left her completely baffled. I tried to explain that you had imagined the Nazi high command goosestepping down the Strand in SS uniform singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" and being given jobs at the Croydon branch of High and Mighty. "Littlewon not fanny man" said Mrs Bob to which I nodded in agreement and settled back into my chair. She was soon pestering me again though. "Wob - why Littlewon always write about gays and Nazis ?" I sighed, took her hand and said: "There are some aspects of British culture, my sweet, that no amount of study or reading will help you understand!" Mad in ShamCam's Clegged-up UK innit!
Blind justice or just another fine mess?/May 18th 2010.
Richie - I was busy hoarding a few tins of dried milk and packs of biscuits in the shed in anticipation of Slasher Osbourne's austerity budget when I noticed several bags of nitroglycerin on one of the shelves. It transpired that my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 was intending to send bomb-making equipment to her Red Shirt cousin who is caught up in the anarchy there. I explained to her that armed insurrection is frowned upon here in dear Blighty and anyway the British Postal Service would more than likely deliver her stash to Bangor rather than Bangkok. She retorted that no lesser person than Lord Littlewon of Windbag Way was today calling for people to rise up and "burn down government buildings". Again I explained that such pronouncements were merely in the best traditions of British satire and not be taken seriously although with the assault on our freedoms now being enacted by the ConDem coagulation of the unelected perhaps your idea Rich isn't all bad! Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
Richie - I was busy hoarding a few tins of dried milk and packs of biscuits in the shed in anticipation of Slasher Osbourne's austerity budget when I noticed several bags of nitroglycerin on one of the shelves. It transpired that my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 was intending to send bomb-making equipment to her Red Shirt cousin who is caught up in the anarchy there. I explained to her that armed insurrection is frowned upon here in dear Blighty and anyway the British Postal Service would more than likely deliver her stash to Bangor rather than Bangkok. She retorted that no lesser person than Lord Littlewon of Windbag Way was today calling for people to rise up and "burn down government buildings". Again I explained that such pronouncements were merely in the best traditions of British satire and not be taken seriously although with the assault on our freedoms now being enacted by the ConDem coagulation of the unelected perhaps your idea Rich isn't all bad! Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
The new politics? More like Brokeback Mountain/May 14th 2010.
Richie - Squeezing in to a floral dress, wig and fishnets I assumed my secret Tory persona and met up with my Turnip chums in an 80s theme bar to discuss the UK's new coagulation of the unelected. "Cam's onto a winner. If it goes belly up he can blame the Reds and the sandal-wearers!" said Tarquin a merchant winker with an unhealthy interest in my falsies. "VAT rising, NI rising, CGT rising, SamCam rising - things are going swimingly!" squarked Rupert, a "company director", as he popped another bottle of Krug. "And with the cut in inheritance tax I'll finally be able to nab the stately home!" squealed Lady Mimsy, louche and pale as white powder. A hush descended and Henrietta took Mimsy's hand. "I'm afraid Cam's dropped that idea as a concession to the tofu-munching lefties" she whispered "But cheer up Mims - as soon as Squire Lardy Cake Pickles hikes council tax for the oiks by 30 per cent next year I'm sure Cam'll re-introduce it pronto! Ra! Ra! Ra!" Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
Richie - Squeezing in to a floral dress, wig and fishnets I assumed my secret Tory persona and met up with my Turnip chums in an 80s theme bar to discuss the UK's new coagulation of the unelected. "Cam's onto a winner. If it goes belly up he can blame the Reds and the sandal-wearers!" said Tarquin a merchant winker with an unhealthy interest in my falsies. "VAT rising, NI rising, CGT rising, SamCam rising - things are going swimingly!" squarked Rupert, a "company director", as he popped another bottle of Krug. "And with the cut in inheritance tax I'll finally be able to nab the stately home!" squealed Lady Mimsy, louche and pale as white powder. A hush descended and Henrietta took Mimsy's hand. "I'm afraid Cam's dropped that idea as a concession to the tofu-munching lefties" she whispered "But cheer up Mims - as soon as Squire Lardy Cake Pickles hikes council tax for the oiks by 30 per cent next year I'm sure Cam'll re-introduce it pronto! Ra! Ra! Ra!" Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
What we saw yesterday was nothing less than a cynical coup attempt.../May 1th 2010.
Richie - After a night doing the conga in Big Frank's snug to celebrate the Tory defeat, I assumed my secret Tory identity (dress, wig and fishnets) and met up with local Turnip activists in an upmarket winery. Surprisingy my new Tory chums, Tarquin, Henrietta, Rupert and Lady Mimsy, were in good spirits. "The plan from HQ is to do a deal with the sandal-wearers" giggled Rupert. "Yes - Cam will offer them a sniff of electoral reform and then shaft the blighters when they least expect it!" roared Tarquin. Lady Mimsy, slurping gin, said: "I can't wait for Cam to overturn the hunting ban! Perhaps he'll extend it to include cats and bunny wabbits too!" Henrietta looked solemn as she explained they may have to sacrifice hunting to do a deal with Lib-Dems. "But don't worry - you'll have plenty to occupy your time doing charity work in Dave's Super Duper Big New Society" but by this time Lady Mims had already had a seizure at the prospect of getting her hands dirty. Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
Richie - After a night doing the conga in Big Frank's snug to celebrate the Tory defeat, I assumed my secret Tory identity (dress, wig and fishnets) and met up with local Turnip activists in an upmarket winery. Surprisingy my new Tory chums, Tarquin, Henrietta, Rupert and Lady Mimsy, were in good spirits. "The plan from HQ is to do a deal with the sandal-wearers" giggled Rupert. "Yes - Cam will offer them a sniff of electoral reform and then shaft the blighters when they least expect it!" roared Tarquin. Lady Mimsy, slurping gin, said: "I can't wait for Cam to overturn the hunting ban! Perhaps he'll extend it to include cats and bunny wabbits too!" Henrietta looked solemn as she explained they may have to sacrifice hunting to do a deal with Lib-Dems. "But don't worry - you'll have plenty to occupy your time doing charity work in Dave's Super Duper Big New Society" but by this time Lady Mims had already had a seizure at the prospect of getting her hands dirty. Mad in ShamCam's UK innit!
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