The secret diary of Nick Clegg aged 43¾ (with apologies to Sue Townsend)/August 17th 2010.

Richie - We've got my 10 year old grandson, young Bob Roberts III, staying with us for a week. He's a bright little lad and has decided to become Labour Prime Minister around the year 2050 in order to repair the damage caused by successive Tory governments. As part of his apprenticeship I make him read the DM every day so that he gets a balanced, non-partisan view of national events. After studiously perusing your esteemed column today he looked at me and snorted: "Blimey - there are kids in year 2 at my school who can write better political satire than this garbage!" Naturally, Richie, I sprang to your defence. "I'll have you know that Lord Richie Littlewon of Windbag Way is the bestest and most favourite political columnist in all the land!" "Well" said young Bob "if he's the best, god help the worst! If I was Sue Townsend I'd be on the blower to my lawyers right now!" And with that he ran off into the garden to play MPs and interns with the girl next door. Kids of today, eh Rich!