Why not give Essma a Harrods account as well as a £2m mansion?/February 15th 2010

Richie - After renouncing his support for the BNP Big Frank, our village landlord, has seen his profits soar as his Foods of the World pub grub continues to be a hit. Monday is Polish, Tuesday is Somali, Wednesday is Balti, Thursday is Romanian gypsy and Friday is Thai, when Mrs Bob No 3 conjures up her insect-based culinary delights. To tell the truth Big Frank is now becoming a bit of a tree-hugger. Gone are the Dr Marten cherry reds, braces and Ben Sherman shirts. With his beard, pony-tail, Clark's sandals and bell-bottomed jeans, Frank looks more like a pre-1970 member of Led Zep than one of Cheeky Nick Griffin's Barmy Engurland Army. And no longer does Frank read out your column in the snug with the same gusto. Commenting on today's article he said: "Peace and love to Tory-run Westminster Council for keeping Essma off the streets, dudes." In fact, Big Frank has veered so far to the Left that he's threatening to vote for Wisteria Dave's Troughing NooTories! Mad in GB's UK innit!