Father Christmas? Sorry, officer, I thought he was a burglar!/December 21st 2009

Richie - Only the other night there was a rather unsavoury incident in our village involving a shady character with a beard dressed in a red costume. Mrs Roberts No 3 and I had just retired to bed when we heard shouting from the village square. I dressed, rolled up my copy of the DM as a defensive weapon and ran to offer assistance pronto. I discovered our local landlord standing over the inebriated, spreadeagled figure of a prominent member of the aristocracy who had tried to break in to the pub. The bearded aristo cut a forlorn figure, dressed as he was in a red basque, red stockings and red Jimmy Choos. It seems that his eminence had attended a racy Xmas party and was keen to secure a nightcap! "It's all Stalinist NuLabour's fault" said the landlord. "See what our great aristocracy has been reduced to after 12 years of Gordon McMugabe's Marxist rabble!" We then took advantage of Labour's loony 24 hour licensing laws and had a late night snifter! Mad in NuLabour's Britain innit!