When it comes to asylum, the lunatics really have taken over/January 19th 2010

Richie - I was busy wrapping Mrs Bob No 3's birthday present (a new Dyson ball-controlled vacuum cleaner) when I heard noises emanating from the direction of the village duck pond. I put on my safety gear and approached the area with caution. Imagine my horror when I saw two glowing figures who looked as if they had been infected with radiation! They were, in fact, illegal immigrants scraping the pond for nutrition to add to the discarded bread they'd discovered in a bin. Politely refusing their offer of a plankton sandwich I took them to the village church where our happy-clappy vicar gave them fresh clothes and a warm meal. It seems they were fundamentalists and had travelled to the UK from remotest Afghanistan, hiding themselves in a shipment of tumeric. However, after being assessed by the authorities the men were officially described as delusional as they said they hoped to join Call-Me-Dave's NooTories and re-introduce strict family values to Broken Britain Mad in GB's UK, innit!