Watch out! It's Call Me Tony Martin/June 24th 2011.

Richie - This past week has seen an unsavoury incident in our village which has led to shock, swooning and open-mouthed dribbling throughout our placid community. A well-heeled middle aged couple who live in a desirable mock-Georgian house on the village outskirts had tragedy of the highest order visited upon them after the wife was discovered in the hallway by her hubby with her bonce shot off! After a thorough police investigation, it transpired that it was HE, no less, who was the culprit having mistaken his rather ample missus for a cat burglar! Of course, the local plod put a comforting arm around the poor chap and told him it was a mistake that any upstanding citizen could make whereupon the wife's remains were swept up and taken away pronto. Thankfully, after a day's mourning, he's now recovered sufficiently to start a new relationship with a 21 year old stunna from Essex, who's also been working as his personal PA these past few months! A happy end! Snifters all round I say!