Look out, Mr Mackay, it's Genial Hattie Grout/March 8th 2011.

Richie - I was sitting at table waiting for my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 to serve me breakfast when I caught the sweet aromas of an unknown meat product sizzling in the pan. "Today we eat white woyal bwekfast, Wob!" Mrs Bob pronounced and set before me a plate of the most luscious bacon and eggs I've ever seen. It transpired that she had (at no small expense, I might add) been out buying Duchy Originals, the organically farmed and hand-spoken-to foodstuffs reared among the lush royal estates by Prince Charles. All profits from this noble organisation no doubt go to the deserving poor and as the bacon melted on my tongue and Mrs Bob nibbled on a succulent Royal chipolata I thought how lucky we are to be ruled by the House of Windsor. All of us have a few dubious buddies and poor much-maligned Prince Andrew is no different. Why, a good friend of mine once punched the chairman of the local Tory association on the hooter and I've never held it against him! God bless our royals I say!