Good evening, caller, you're through to Jackboots Jacqui/February 1st 2011.

Richie - I was lounging in my comfy chair last Friday reading a biography of Le Petomane, the famous French flatulist. And what an interesting book it was! Did you know that this famous French farter didn't actually release any obnoxious gases during his stage act, being so talented that he was able to inhale air into his rectum and then control the release of that air using his sphincter muscles ? I also learned that he was by trade a baker and returned to his original profession late on in life before his death in 1945. Of course, I spent the remainder of the afternoon trying to perfect my own version of the 1812 overture and Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds suite, much to Mrs Bob No 3's disgust. But I must have made some progress because our next door neighbour threatened to call the fire brigade if my trumpeting didn't end! Eventually, exhausted by my noxious efforts, I remembered that Friday was the day you published your esteemed column Rich and returned to my chair! Mad I say!