Hello, Jacqui, there's a Romanian family in my wine cellar/August 26th 2011.

Richie - There was an unseemly altercation in our snug this lunchtime. A group of university lefty-student types were sat reading the dailies. (We could tell they were lefties because hidden beneath their DM was a copy of The Guardian - nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more!). All was well until they started perusing your hallowed column and making derogatory remarks! 'I see Littlejohn is havin' a pop at Jacqui Smith and Labour again' one, wearing a Tame Impala T-shirt, smirked. 'Yeah' said his mate. 'He writes the same crap every week. Ignore him. He's just a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore.' Well, Richie, it was at this point that I sprang to your defence. I slammed down my snifter and went over to the little upstarts. 'How dare you accuse Britain's bestest columnist of being a bigoted, right-wing Tory bore' I roared, pointing at the hapless lefties. 'Why, Lord Richie is a bigoted, right-wing, BNP bore! Get your facts right next time, lefty punks!' Puh, the uneducated yoof of today, eh Rich!