Put your trousers on, Worzel... you're nicked/November 16th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by a strange and unsettlingly loud whirring noise coming from the direction of the garden. Well, I put on my safety glasses and rolled up my copy of the DM for protection and proceeded in an orderly manner outside to see what all the fuss was about. Would you Adam n Eve it, Rich, I was confronted by the sight of a police helicopter landing adjacent to my vegetable patch! After the rotor blades had spun their course out jumped a couple of plods tooled up to the hilt and brandishing automatic weapons. I was about to complain in the boldest terms about this invasion of my privacy when one of the plods alerted me that a vile journalist was on the loose poking his red-top nose into hard working people's bins in persuit of saucy tittle-tattle to fill up the pages of his rag. Needless to say our heroic plod nabbed the critter within minutes and hauled him into the boot of their chopper. The sooner Leverson clamps down on these feral journos the better I say!

Run for your life — it’s the Nonce Finder General/November 9th 2012.

Richie - As a dedicated socialist, small businessman, Labour activist and all round Obama fan of these parts, Old Wob was invited dahn to the smoke in order to celebrate the great man's re-election with Democrats Abroad, a fine, upstanding organisation comprising many well-heeled Obama supporters based in the UK. And so, kitted out in a new whistle and flute, and with the Roberts comb-over neatly in place, I hot-footed it to a swanky West End hotel to dance into the early hours with our Democratic cousins from across the Pond. Unfortunately, I lubricated myself with too many pre-party snifters and, jumping in the taxi at King's Cross, told the driver to to take me pronto to the Yanks Abroad post-election do. When asked which colour I supported I naturally said red, forgetting that the political colours in the US election are reversed from our own. I walked in to the hotel singing Obama's praises and "4 more years" only to realise that I'd been dropped at the GOP post election wake and was surrounded by assorted misogynists, gun-toting fruitcakes, racists, homophobes and all manner of lunatics in between, whereupon Old Wob turned into Worcester's Usain Bolt and made a hasty getaway! Mad I say! (Hic!)

This thief claimed thousands of pounds in fake expenses, yet he's protected by Parliament/November 6th 2012.

Richie - Well, we've all gathered in the snug to cheer on President Obama in his quest to win another term of office. And I must say it's looking good, Richie. All those fruitcake proclamations and downright lies by the Right wing windbags, saying that Obama would ship jobs to China, that women who get raped should grin and bear it, that 47 per cent of the American people aren't worth bothering asbout...all of these things showed the American Right for what they are - undemocratic, anti-American and a security risk to a great nation that was once admired by all. Let's hope that we now see the true buccaneering spirit of America under the leadership of this truly great President! All true Americans should now unite behind Obama I say and put aside their petty differences for the greater good. And shouldn't Tory dipstick Iaiain Dunkin Donut now resign after his inappropriate backing of Romney ? Well done Barack and Michelle Obama and all liberal Democrats! Four more years I say! (Hic!)

Welcome to London's hottest new nightspot - the Life On Mars lounge at The Yard/November 2nd 2012.

Richie - I read with great interest this week, in the pages of the world's greatest newspaper the Daily Mail no less, that Lord Coe has credited Cherie Blair with winning the Olympics for London !?! Who would have believed it, Lord Wichie ? The wife of our former illustrious Labour PM gave old Chirac a right rollicking when he sounded off about British cuisine, causing him to flee from the lobbying hall and miss out on potentially crucial votes! Let's hope that Cherie is soon elevated to the upper echelons of public office! But what a contrast with the flow of filth that has been uncovered from the Thatcher years! Our electricity, water, & media is now in the hands of foreign owners; the trains are worse than they were in Victorian times; the Tory deregulation of the 80s has led to an economic tsunami; and now Mrs Thatcher's best pal is revealed as a predatory paedophile of the highest order! The Thatcher regime was a national disgrace I say! What other horrors are lurking in the Tory cupboards I wonder ? (Hic!)

A journalist jailed for exposing tax cheats - don't kid yourself it couldn't happen here/October 30th 2012.

Richie - Phone tapping, harassment, bribery, hiding in bushes, treachery, stalking, lies, an incipid culture of dumbing down...but enough about journalists Rich! Today Old Wob wants to bring good news about Iaiain Dunkin Donut's welfare reforms! It so happened that Belinda Slouch, a single mother of 7 whose offspring have an inglorious history of terrorising the local neighbourhood, was hauled before the local welfare Czars and told to get a job pronto. Having never worked Belinda was found a job (using vast amounts of govt subsidy) in a DIY store, even though the owner wasn't in need of more staff but needless to say the pound signs were sparkling and he took her on board. Well, what a disaster! Ms Slouch lasted barely three days. Guzzling Carlsberg extra by the can she gave freebies to all her mates, threatened irate customers with a chain saw and, when she was reprimanded by the owner, nutted the old geezer so hard he spent a week in hospital! Another triumph for our Tory-led Coagulation of the gormless I say! (Hic!)

Yes, the BBC has some serious questions to answer, but who gave Savile the key to care homes and hospitals?/October 26th 2012.

Richie - It is with great pleasure that I can announce you have been chosen to receive a special lifetime award in recognition of your services over many years to Investigative Right-wing windbaggism! Yes Lord Wichie, the regulars in our local snug have decided that it's about time you were honoured for your many years as Britain's undisputed Bestest Columnist and a social commentator of the highest order. The judging panel, headed by octogenarian farmer and spoon-player Arthur Groat, paid particular tribute to your courage in exposing sexual deviancy among a small number of the nation's wheelie-bins. These vile, debauched bins you discovered lurking in the nation's gardens and on patios ready to pounce on naive and impressionable yoof. A major scandal was averted thanks to your sterling in-depth journalism, Rich. Because of you our boys and girls can now sleep soundly in their beds! The trophy, a mounted bin, is behind the bar awaiting collection. Well done sir I say! (Hic!)

Don't be such a W4lly Mr Speaker!/October 23rd 2012.

Richie - Sunday morning Old Wob donned his silver mankini and took part in the Birmingham half marathon, raising money for charities hit by the savage Nasty Party cuts. But sad to say things didn't exactly go to plan. As I got to the first bend opposite Islamic Relief I went down like a sack of spuds with chest pains. Well, our heroic ambulance service was soon on the scene but came to a sudden halt with a puncture. Because of Shameron's NHS cuts the AA recovery hadn't been renewed! But no matter, the paramedics rolled the Roberts corsage onto a stretcher and carried me towards the QE2 hospital. Unfortunately these hard working public sector workers ran out of puff but lo and behold the pains subsided and I made a miraculous recovery! I jumped off the stretcher, saw that I was only 100 metres from the finish line and sprinted home to raptuous applause in a record time for a 56 year old, raising thousands for those being neglected by the vile Tory-led Coagulation! Mad I say! (Hic!)