Stranded on the road to nowhere/December 27th 2012.

Richie - Greetings from the land of smiles! Old Wob is now in semi-retirement on a Thai beach! At last myself and Mrs Bob No 3 have managed to escape the gloom and misery of Shameron n Cleggie's unelected austerity government. No more hectoring by Tory millionaires! No more crippling back-door taxation! No more "We're all in this together" bull****! I  only wish I'd made the move a few years earlier! Now my biggest daily concern is whether to expose the ample Roberts corsage fully to the sun or not! Lots of plans to start up a little business venture or two as you can imagine. Bob Roberts' Tuk-Tuks4U and a fish n chip shop to cater for the growing number of ex-pats out here just two ideas under consideration. Of course there are things I'll miss about Old Blighty- (er, can't think of any just now!) So, I'll say farewell Rich. Old Rob is signing off for the final time. Off now to my luxury seaside abode which I've christened Wob Bobert's Happy End! You couldn't make it up I say! (Hic!)

Without brave whistleblowers, Ali Dizaei would be running the Met police/December 18th 2012.

Richie - In a week in which the period of notice for redundancies has been halved from 95 days to 45 days by the unelected Coagulation of the Featherbrained, making it easier for employers to sack workers and therefore sucking even more confidence out of people's lives, Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally finished packing up our junk ready to be shipped overseas to the Land of Smiles. The Roberts comfy chair and snifter cabinet have been carefully crated and Mrs Bob's array of colourful costumes have been wrapped in moth-proof paper. Needless to say, a long procession of good friends have stopped by to say their farewells, all vowing to leave Rip-off Tory UK as soon as their own circumstances allow. How many other hard working, law abiding citizens are being forced overseas by Shameron and his growth-averse Toffs I wonder ? Immigration isn't the problem, Rich. The relentless Tory-led war on decent honest people is the problem. All in it together ? Don't make me laugh I say! (Hic!)

Windmills for Africa... a policy to DIE for/December 7th 2012

Richie - Well the unthinkable has finally happened. Old Wob has sold up the business, put the house on the market and is leaving the UK with Mrs Bob No 3 for a new life in the Land of Smiles. This once great country of ours is being led to ruin by Shameron and his unelected Coagulation government. Wednesday's disgraceful attempt by Osbourne to fiddle the figures was the final straw. When a finance minister is applauded by his friends in the press for a deceitful performance more suited to a banana republic then you know the game's up and the lunatics have finally taken over the asylum. Sad to say, Rich, but Britain is well on the way to becoming a medieval fiefdom, isolated from europe and without influence in the world. So, it's time to head East where the future lies. In the new year Old Wob's new business - Bob's Tuk-Tuk's 4U - will be up and running and I'll be sunning the Roberts comb-over on a golden Thai beach. No more hectoring Tory Right Wing windbags to listen to! It'll be paradise I say!

Put your trousers on, Worzel... you're nicked/November 16th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by a strange and unsettlingly loud whirring noise coming from the direction of the garden. Well, I put on my safety glasses and rolled up my copy of the DM for protection and proceeded in an orderly manner outside to see what all the fuss was about. Would you Adam n Eve it, Rich, I was confronted by the sight of a police helicopter landing adjacent to my vegetable patch! After the rotor blades had spun their course out jumped a couple of plods tooled up to the hilt and brandishing automatic weapons. I was about to complain in the boldest terms about this invasion of my privacy when one of the plods alerted me that a vile journalist was on the loose poking his red-top nose into hard working people's bins in persuit of saucy tittle-tattle to fill up the pages of his rag. Needless to say our heroic plod nabbed the critter within minutes and hauled him into the boot of their chopper. The sooner Leverson clamps down on these feral journos the better I say!

Run for your life — it’s the Nonce Finder General/November 9th 2012.

Richie - As a dedicated socialist, small businessman, Labour activist and all round Obama fan of these parts, Old Wob was invited dahn to the smoke in order to celebrate the great man's re-election with Democrats Abroad, a fine, upstanding organisation comprising many well-heeled Obama supporters based in the UK. And so, kitted out in a new whistle and flute, and with the Roberts comb-over neatly in place, I hot-footed it to a swanky West End hotel to dance into the early hours with our Democratic cousins from across the Pond. Unfortunately, I lubricated myself with too many pre-party snifters and, jumping in the taxi at King's Cross, told the driver to to take me pronto to the Yanks Abroad post-election do. When asked which colour I supported I naturally said red, forgetting that the political colours in the US election are reversed from our own. I walked in to the hotel singing Obama's praises and "4 more years" only to realise that I'd been dropped at the GOP post election wake and was surrounded by assorted misogynists, gun-toting fruitcakes, racists, homophobes and all manner of lunatics in between, whereupon Old Wob turned into Worcester's Usain Bolt and made a hasty getaway! Mad I say! (Hic!)

This thief claimed thousands of pounds in fake expenses, yet he's protected by Parliament/November 6th 2012.

Richie - Well, we've all gathered in the snug to cheer on President Obama in his quest to win another term of office. And I must say it's looking good, Richie. All those fruitcake proclamations and downright lies by the Right wing windbags, saying that Obama would ship jobs to China, that women who get raped should grin and bear it, that 47 per cent of the American people aren't worth bothering asbout...all of these things showed the American Right for what they are - undemocratic, anti-American and a security risk to a great nation that was once admired by all. Let's hope that we now see the true buccaneering spirit of America under the leadership of this truly great President! All true Americans should now unite behind Obama I say and put aside their petty differences for the greater good. And shouldn't Tory dipstick Iaiain Dunkin Donut now resign after his inappropriate backing of Romney ? Well done Barack and Michelle Obama and all liberal Democrats! Four more years I say! (Hic!)

Welcome to London's hottest new nightspot - the Life On Mars lounge at The Yard/November 2nd 2012.

Richie - I read with great interest this week, in the pages of the world's greatest newspaper the Daily Mail no less, that Lord Coe has credited Cherie Blair with winning the Olympics for London !?! Who would have believed it, Lord Wichie ? The wife of our former illustrious Labour PM gave old Chirac a right rollicking when he sounded off about British cuisine, causing him to flee from the lobbying hall and miss out on potentially crucial votes! Let's hope that Cherie is soon elevated to the upper echelons of public office! But what a contrast with the flow of filth that has been uncovered from the Thatcher years! Our electricity, water, & media is now in the hands of foreign owners; the trains are worse than they were in Victorian times; the Tory deregulation of the 80s has led to an economic tsunami; and now Mrs Thatcher's best pal is revealed as a predatory paedophile of the highest order! The Thatcher regime was a national disgrace I say! What other horrors are lurking in the Tory cupboards I wonder ? (Hic!)

A journalist jailed for exposing tax cheats - don't kid yourself it couldn't happen here/October 30th 2012.

Richie - Phone tapping, harassment, bribery, hiding in bushes, treachery, stalking, lies, an incipid culture of dumbing down...but enough about journalists Rich! Today Old Wob wants to bring good news about Iaiain Dunkin Donut's welfare reforms! It so happened that Belinda Slouch, a single mother of 7 whose offspring have an inglorious history of terrorising the local neighbourhood, was hauled before the local welfare Czars and told to get a job pronto. Having never worked Belinda was found a job (using vast amounts of govt subsidy) in a DIY store, even though the owner wasn't in need of more staff but needless to say the pound signs were sparkling and he took her on board. Well, what a disaster! Ms Slouch lasted barely three days. Guzzling Carlsberg extra by the can she gave freebies to all her mates, threatened irate customers with a chain saw and, when she was reprimanded by the owner, nutted the old geezer so hard he spent a week in hospital! Another triumph for our Tory-led Coagulation of the gormless I say! (Hic!)

Yes, the BBC has some serious questions to answer, but who gave Savile the key to care homes and hospitals?/October 26th 2012.

Richie - It is with great pleasure that I can announce you have been chosen to receive a special lifetime award in recognition of your services over many years to Investigative Right-wing windbaggism! Yes Lord Wichie, the regulars in our local snug have decided that it's about time you were honoured for your many years as Britain's undisputed Bestest Columnist and a social commentator of the highest order. The judging panel, headed by octogenarian farmer and spoon-player Arthur Groat, paid particular tribute to your courage in exposing sexual deviancy among a small number of the nation's wheelie-bins. These vile, debauched bins you discovered lurking in the nation's gardens and on patios ready to pounce on naive and impressionable yoof. A major scandal was averted thanks to your sterling in-depth journalism, Rich. Because of you our boys and girls can now sleep soundly in their beds! The trophy, a mounted bin, is behind the bar awaiting collection. Well done sir I say! (Hic!)

Don't be such a W4lly Mr Speaker!/October 23rd 2012.

Richie - Sunday morning Old Wob donned his silver mankini and took part in the Birmingham half marathon, raising money for charities hit by the savage Nasty Party cuts. But sad to say things didn't exactly go to plan. As I got to the first bend opposite Islamic Relief I went down like a sack of spuds with chest pains. Well, our heroic ambulance service was soon on the scene but came to a sudden halt with a puncture. Because of Shameron's NHS cuts the AA recovery hadn't been renewed! But no matter, the paramedics rolled the Roberts corsage onto a stretcher and carried me towards the QE2 hospital. Unfortunately these hard working public sector workers ran out of puff but lo and behold the pains subsided and I made a miraculous recovery! I jumped off the stretcher, saw that I was only 100 metres from the finish line and sprinted home to raptuous applause in a record time for a 56 year old, raising thousands for those being neglected by the vile Tory-led Coagulation! Mad I say! (Hic!)

Freeze! Or the guide dog gets it/October 19th 2012.

Richie - Would you Adam n Eve it! Unemployment down AGAIN in the middle of a recession! Well, Old Wob and the other regulars in the village snug have been busy all week trying to work out this particular conundrum! "Perhaps Iain Dunkin Donut is a genius" said Arthur Groat, octogenarian spoon-player of these parts, as he supped his half a mild. "Maybe Labour has got it all wrong" said local burlesque queen Marcia Braithwaite, her heaving chest casting a shadow over her ploughman's lunch. "The harsh Tory medicine must be working" said Dr Singh as he cleared an area near the bar and unravelled his prayer mat. Then bingo - it clicked! "Perhaps the Nasty party is forcing people into part time, non-pensionable non-jobs and subsidising the private sector with billions of pounds of taxpayers money!" I said. Well, Rich, we all breathed a sigh of relief and moved on to more difficult puzzles, namely the Tories' omnishambles regarding energy bills! Mad in Sham Cam n Cleggy's bwoken Bwitain innit! (Hic!)

Careful with those arrows – you’ll have somebody's eye out!/October 16th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob was up with the lark this morning wearing his best mankini and putting in a few last minute circuits of the duck pond before Sunday's Birmingham half marathon. Never one to shirk a challenge I've put myself forward to raise much needed funds for local charities who are suffering after cuts instigated by our vile unelected Coagulation of the gormless government. Needless to say, Old Wob hasn't done much exercise since primary school when I used to chase Marcia Braithwaite round the canteen but you'll be pleased to know that I've been putting in the hard work every day for a whole week so I'm confident of running this popular race in double-quick time. Only thing, Rich, is that I get the occasional problem with chafing around the tender areas. Local farmer Arthur Groat gave me some of his home-made ointment in the snug and I must say it was surprisingly soothing until I discovered the main ingredient was pig dung! That'll keep Mo Farah and the elite runners in their place when I break from the front, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Jimmy Savile ? It's time they called in the New Tricks squad/October 12th 2012.

Richie - There was an unseemly incident in the village snug last night. A couple of middle aged loudmouths stood at the bar making derogatory comments about immigrants, the poor, the disabled - you know the kind, Rich - when the talk veered off towards the latest accusations against the infamous Savile. Well, these two monsters from the 70s decided it would be fun to make light of this serious news story by acting out a rather obnoxious skit based around the classic and much-loved telly comedy "On the Buses". Taking on the characters of Blakey, Reg and the others they made light of these young girls' trauma in the most offhand and vile way. "I bet she enjoyed taking a ride on the Number 69!" "They were all slappers in those days!" "Jim fixed it for her, hur, hur hur!" Well, Rich, as you can imagine there was uproar among the locals and the two were dragged outside and thrown in the village duck pond! Then we told 'em to sling their hooks and not show their faces again! Some people, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Foreign criminals can sleep easily in soft-touch Britain/October 9th 2012.

Richie - Old Wob donned a wig, heels and one of Mrs Bob's floral dresses and joined a mini bus filled with local Toffs bound for the Nasty Party conference in Birmingham. Well the champers was flowing and all were in good humour as we sang Nasty Party classics such as "We Hate the Poor", "Strip Workers of all their Rights" and "All Lefties are Gay!" After arriving at our hotel Lady Mimsy Tonkington-Nutter invited a few Tory bigwigs to her suite for drinks. Well, Rich, when I let slip I was a wealthy widow looking to make a large donation the top brass were sniffing round me like flies! I was offered all kinds of incentives, including the chance of being made a Baroness, a tempting offer that would turn any girl's head! Eventually the chat turned to a Tory 2nd term and plans to privatise the NHS, the Beeb, and put non-taxpayers in the workhouse. But I scarpered pronto when a high ranking party member demonstrated Jimmy Savile's seduction technique and my falsies burst! Mad I say! (Hic!)

If Savile was alive today, he'd be a star witness at Leveson - given the full 'Sir James' treatment and allowed to trash the Press/October 5th 2012

Richie - Old Wob has been hob-nobbing it at the Labour conference with my good pal union rep Dave Salt. And what a splendid time I had Rich! Out and about at night taking in Manchester's many splendid watering holes, then back in the conference hall at 10am to catch up on much-needed shut eye! We also attended a number of fringe events where the more "outspoken" (ie. rational-thinking) Labourites let off steam. There were speakers demanding everything from the re-nationalisation of the railways to the jailing of the vile bankers who have wrecked our economy. One speaker even called for the public takeover of the Right Wing press and cited you, Rich, as a gobby rabble-rousing Thatcherite journalist of the worst kind! Well, I stood up and defended your honour sir! "Lord Richie is a national treasure" I thundered "whose tireless work investigating corruption and sexual wrong-doing among wheelie-bins is second to none! How dare you Lefties enhance his reputation by calling him a proper journalist!" That told em, eh Rich ? (Hic!)

Late Night Live with Call Me Dave/September 28th 2012

Richie - Having just returned from a two week holiday in the USA with Mrs Bob No 3, I was honored to visit the Ed Sullivan Theatre for a tour. While I was there I managed to collar one of Letterman's attractive young production assistants for a chat. Well, you can imagine how excited I was when she let slip that our useless growth-averse PM was set to appear on the Late Show - so excited in fact that I primed her with a list of pertinent questions the great Letterman may have wished to ask. "Ask the Tory toff why he sees fit to condemn disenfranchised kids who steal bottles of water but not bankers who steal billions of public money!" I said. "Ask him why, if he's so in favour of democracy and freedom, he's the PM of an unelected government. Ask him why he wants to stamp out loutish behaviour but won't sack his foul-mouthed chief whip who swears and causes offense to our hard-working police!" Well, Rich, I continued in this vein for a further thirty minutes or so. Eventually the poor girl's eyes started glazing over so, gentleman that I am, I thanked her for her time and gave my name as Nick Clegg! Mad in the USA I say! (Hic!)

Read my lips...No more Toytown taxes, Clegg/September 25th 2012

Richie - Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have just returned from an eat to west coast holiday in the good ol' USA. And what a divided, polarised, anxious country it has become, Rich. We met the usual suspects on our travels - religious fruitcakes, Tea-Party nutters, the rich, the poor, hard-working Democrats fearful of the future - and were left with the impression of a war-weary, ungovernable country unsure of its role in the world and frightened of the Chinese dragon. Although Obama's star has fallen the Republican Party's knack of electing a candidate from the outer reaches of Planet Zog means that the President is almost assured of a second term. Hooray for that I say! Our final destination was New York where I celebrated my 58th birthday and had a syrup fitted by the Big Apple's finest which made me look ten years younger! Unfortunately a gust of wind took hold of it as we enjoyed a boat ride around the statue of liberty, hurling my new thatch high into the air and depositing it in the famous lady's torch! Mad I say! (Hic!)

Can you imagine the Queen topless ?/September 18th 2012.

Richie - Shame on you Lord Littlewon for criticising our beloved blue-blooded Royals! If the beautiful Kate wants to give her pert queenly jellies a tan in the privacy of her back yard, then she should be able to do so without interference from the garlic-chewing Gallic press! It is unpatriotic of you, sir, to side with the dastardly Frenchies! Indeed, as Bwitain's Bestest Columnist you should be leading the way and calling for Levenson to clamp down hard on all aspects of our sordid press! Our Royals are an inspiration to us all I say! Poor Prince Harry is single-handedly fighting for freedom in Afghanistan, Prince Andrew is heroically ab-sailing down the Gherkin for those less fortunate than himself, and Her Madge soldiers on regardless opening this, that and the other at an advanced age! They are a credit to the British bulldog spirit and deserve our unflinching support! Pray for Kate's royal jellies I say! (Hic!)

Tough childhood ? Get out of jail free/September 14th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when my dear Thai wife Mrs Bob No 3 ran in to the lounge waving today's copy of the impartial DM. "Lord Wichie want Thatch to go on trial for football disaster!" she squealed. Well, Rich, I calmly took hold of the newspaper and perused your Friday hissy fit. I then tried to explain to Mrs Bob that she had, as usual, mis-read your esteemed column and that you were not implicating old witch Thatcher in the Hillsborough cover up even though many people are now beginning to do so. "Lord Richie supports old style Sweeney hard nut policing" I explained "just as he supports the lunatic economic policies of Tory govts from the 80s. He'd much rather rant against a poor frustrated Afghan immigrant who lobbed a brick than criticise the woman who single handedly took a wrecking ball to this great country of ours." Mrs Bob looked at me in shock - aghast that anyone should want a return to 1980s Thatcherite madness. Tut-tut. Immigrants like Mrs Bob really don't understand bonkers Britain do they Rich ?

Sorry seems to be the easiest word, Dave/September 10th 2012.

Richie - We regulars in the Come-to-Piddle village snug are wondering if Tory Toff Shameron will apologise for the vile Thatcher & Major governments of the 80s. After Thatcher's wrecking ball decimated the nation's manufacturing base, tore apart communities, flogged off the family silver and waged war against hard working families - the consequences of which we poor Brits are all still suffering - the least this wet-behind-the-ears Bullingdon Boy could do is say sorry for the lunatic Tory administrations of the past. In fact, Old Wob now wonders if it's time for CMD to quietly retire and hand over to Ed, Ed & Vince before this unelected Coagulation does even more damage to the economy. The proof is in the puddy, as dear old Grannie Roberts used to say, and, after a stellar summer of public sector Olympic achievement, it looks as though the Tories' austerity goose has been well and truly cooked! Shameron - get thee to a retirement home for failed Tory politicians I say!