Stranded on the road to nowhere/December 27th 2012.

Richie - Greetings from the land of smiles! Old Wob is now in semi-retirement on a Thai beach! At last myself and Mrs Bob No 3 have managed to escape the gloom and misery of Shameron n Cleggie's unelected austerity government. No more hectoring by Tory millionaires! No more crippling back-door taxation! No more "We're all in this together" bull****! I  only wish I'd made the move a few years earlier! Now my biggest daily concern is whether to expose the ample Roberts corsage fully to the sun or not! Lots of plans to start up a little business venture or two as you can imagine. Bob Roberts' Tuk-Tuks4U and a fish n chip shop to cater for the growing number of ex-pats out here just two ideas under consideration. Of course there are things I'll miss about Old Blighty- (er, can't think of any just now!) So, I'll say farewell Rich. Old Rob is signing off for the final time. Off now to my luxury seaside abode which I've christened Wob Bobert's Happy End! You couldn't make it up I say! (Hic!)

Without brave whistleblowers, Ali Dizaei would be running the Met police/December 18th 2012.

Richie - In a week in which the period of notice for redundancies has been halved from 95 days to 45 days by the unelected Coagulation of the Featherbrained, making it easier for employers to sack workers and therefore sucking even more confidence out of people's lives, Old Wob and Mrs Bob No 3 have finally finished packing up our junk ready to be shipped overseas to the Land of Smiles. The Roberts comfy chair and snifter cabinet have been carefully crated and Mrs Bob's array of colourful costumes have been wrapped in moth-proof paper. Needless to say, a long procession of good friends have stopped by to say their farewells, all vowing to leave Rip-off Tory UK as soon as their own circumstances allow. How many other hard working, law abiding citizens are being forced overseas by Shameron and his growth-averse Toffs I wonder ? Immigration isn't the problem, Rich. The relentless Tory-led war on decent honest people is the problem. All in it together ? Don't make me laugh I say! (Hic!)

Windmills for Africa... a policy to DIE for/December 7th 2012

Richie - Well the unthinkable has finally happened. Old Wob has sold up the business, put the house on the market and is leaving the UK with Mrs Bob No 3 for a new life in the Land of Smiles. This once great country of ours is being led to ruin by Shameron and his unelected Coagulation government. Wednesday's disgraceful attempt by Osbourne to fiddle the figures was the final straw. When a finance minister is applauded by his friends in the press for a deceitful performance more suited to a banana republic then you know the game's up and the lunatics have finally taken over the asylum. Sad to say, Rich, but Britain is well on the way to becoming a medieval fiefdom, isolated from europe and without influence in the world. So, it's time to head East where the future lies. In the new year Old Wob's new business - Bob's Tuk-Tuk's 4U - will be up and running and I'll be sunning the Roberts comb-over on a golden Thai beach. No more hectoring Tory Right Wing windbags to listen to! It'll be paradise I say!

Put your trousers on, Worzel... you're nicked/November 16th 2012.

Richie - I was snoozing in my comfy chair when I was awoken by a strange and unsettlingly loud whirring noise coming from the direction of the garden. Well, I put on my safety glasses and rolled up my copy of the DM for protection and proceeded in an orderly manner outside to see what all the fuss was about. Would you Adam n Eve it, Rich, I was confronted by the sight of a police helicopter landing adjacent to my vegetable patch! After the rotor blades had spun their course out jumped a couple of plods tooled up to the hilt and brandishing automatic weapons. I was about to complain in the boldest terms about this invasion of my privacy when one of the plods alerted me that a vile journalist was on the loose poking his red-top nose into hard working people's bins in persuit of saucy tittle-tattle to fill up the pages of his rag. Needless to say our heroic plod nabbed the critter within minutes and hauled him into the boot of their chopper. The sooner Leverson clamps down on these feral journos the better I say!

Run for your life — it’s the Nonce Finder General/November 9th 2012.

Richie - As a dedicated socialist, small businessman, Labour activist and all round Obama fan of these parts, Old Wob was invited dahn to the smoke in order to celebrate the great man's re-election with Democrats Abroad, a fine, upstanding organisation comprising many well-heeled Obama supporters based in the UK. And so, kitted out in a new whistle and flute, and with the Roberts comb-over neatly in place, I hot-footed it to a swanky West End hotel to dance into the early hours with our Democratic cousins from across the Pond. Unfortunately, I lubricated myself with too many pre-party snifters and, jumping in the taxi at King's Cross, told the driver to to take me pronto to the Yanks Abroad post-election do. When asked which colour I supported I naturally said red, forgetting that the political colours in the US election are reversed from our own. I walked in to the hotel singing Obama's praises and "4 more years" only to realise that I'd been dropped at the GOP post election wake and was surrounded by assorted misogynists, gun-toting fruitcakes, racists, homophobes and all manner of lunatics in between, whereupon Old Wob turned into Worcester's Usain Bolt and made a hasty getaway! Mad I say! (Hic!)

This thief claimed thousands of pounds in fake expenses, yet he's protected by Parliament/November 6th 2012.

Richie - Well, we've all gathered in the snug to cheer on President Obama in his quest to win another term of office. And I must say it's looking good, Richie. All those fruitcake proclamations and downright lies by the Right wing windbags, saying that Obama would ship jobs to China, that women who get raped should grin and bear it, that 47 per cent of the American people aren't worth bothering asbout...all of these things showed the American Right for what they are - undemocratic, anti-American and a security risk to a great nation that was once admired by all. Let's hope that we now see the true buccaneering spirit of America under the leadership of this truly great President! All true Americans should now unite behind Obama I say and put aside their petty differences for the greater good. And shouldn't Tory dipstick Iaiain Dunkin Donut now resign after his inappropriate backing of Romney ? Well done Barack and Michelle Obama and all liberal Democrats! Four more years I say! (Hic!)

Welcome to London's hottest new nightspot - the Life On Mars lounge at The Yard/November 2nd 2012.

Richie - I read with great interest this week, in the pages of the world's greatest newspaper the Daily Mail no less, that Lord Coe has credited Cherie Blair with winning the Olympics for London !?! Who would have believed it, Lord Wichie ? The wife of our former illustrious Labour PM gave old Chirac a right rollicking when he sounded off about British cuisine, causing him to flee from the lobbying hall and miss out on potentially crucial votes! Let's hope that Cherie is soon elevated to the upper echelons of public office! But what a contrast with the flow of filth that has been uncovered from the Thatcher years! Our electricity, water, & media is now in the hands of foreign owners; the trains are worse than they were in Victorian times; the Tory deregulation of the 80s has led to an economic tsunami; and now Mrs Thatcher's best pal is revealed as a predatory paedophile of the highest order! The Thatcher regime was a national disgrace I say! What other horrors are lurking in the Tory cupboards I wonder ? (Hic!)